Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

It’s over

75 replies

TwinkleLittleBat · 10/02/2020 23:12

So after several months of trying to move on from husband cheating I’ve realised I can’t do it anymore. I can’t believe it but I ended it tonight. I thought it was the right thing to do, but seeing how hurt he was, and how upset I am, I’m devastated.
I expected to feel relief but I just feel loss. I want nothing more than to go back and tell him I take it all back.

OP posts:

Original poster

TwinkleLittleBat · 11/02/2020 10:20

I am. I can’t help it. He doesn’t understand why it’s come to this after months of it being over with the OW.
I’ve tried to explain it to him. He now thinks I’m seeing / talking to someone else. Doesn’t get why it’s resulted in this. Maybe it would just be easier if I went back

OP posts:

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 11/02/2020 10:23

If he is serious about mending the damage and rebuilding trust he will do whatever it takes eg counselling. Not about him talking but about your two as a couple. If he wont then there is no going forward. He is probably afraid of being the bad guy

user18463585026 · 11/02/2020 10:27

Grief is a natural human response to any ending. It doesn't mean you made a mistake, it means you're human.

Really you experienced the loss you feel now a while back when you found out what he's done and every time he refused to do anything meaningful to address the damage. But while you stayed in the relationship you could defer some of the emotions around that loss and hurt. Ending it crystallised the loss for you. And some of your feelings now might be ones you pushed away while you were trying to keep things going. Sooner or later they have to be felt.

It's ok to grieve the good times, the person you thought he was before this, and the future you dreamed you'd have with him.

You probably do have some relief under all these other difficult emotions. You'll be able to feel it once the more painful feelings ease.

I don't know if it's useful to know, but even with women fleeing domestic violence it is so common to hear them say they thought they'd feel relieved but all they feel is loss and guilt so maybe leaving was a mistake (hence why it's also common for women to go back to violent men).

I know it's a different situation to yours, but you're not alone in ending a relationship because you realise it's the right thing but then doubting yourself because you don't feel how you expected or hoped. Human emotions are complex and frustrating to cope with sometimes! But grief is a natural response not a sign of a mistake.

pointythings · 11/02/2020 10:33

You're grieving and that is natural. Meanwhile he has done fuck all to make amends. He is shocked because he thought he had got away with cheating and now here are the consequences. Tough shit, he did this to himself.

Get some support for yourself and divorce him.

dontgobaconmyheart · 11/02/2020 10:33

Don't confuse the look of hurt OP, he's upset it has affected HIM, I doubt it's about you at all. If he cared in any meaningful way he really wouldn't have cheated on you. It's not nice being dumped is it, so he will have looked upset- it is not your job to male this better for him. He doesn't care about making anything better for you, cheated and won't even try counselling. All the effort and the suffering is yours and that's why, when the hurt is over, you will be much better off. And he's now accusing you of cheating as well? He's a massive dick OP, how dare he.

Stick to your guns. Don't go back, don't go back because it's 'easier'- the only reason it feels easier is because he is deliberately making it hard because all he cares about is his own needs and ego. He has shown how much he values you and sounds mainly bothered about the dent to his eho that you might have cheated, with all the irony of someone who actually did and couldn't give a toss about the effect on you

TwentyViginti · 11/02/2020 10:35

He thinks you're seeing someone else because that's what HE did.

Maybe it would just be easier if I went back
Easier for him, certainly.

user18463585026 · 11/02/2020 10:38

Going back might be momentarily easier in the sense he'd stop badgering you and you could squish these painful feelings back down again for a while.

Long term? No. Nothing has changed. You would be throwing your future away.

Badgering you into submission is not the mark of a respectful decent human being. Claiming not to understand and pushing you to explain again and again until he gives you his approval (which will be never) whilst making counter accusations is nasty behaviour.

Just because he says he doesn't understand doesn't make it true. And you're not required to do his thinking for him.

I think you're being manipulated by someone who sees how much you're hurting (because of him) and is trying to use that to his advantage by throwing every trick in the book at you until you buckle.

StormTreader · 11/02/2020 10:40

"Hes not a talker" = "he knows hes being a dick and doesnt want to talk about it because he knows theres no excuse and the councillor will tell him the truth".

user18463585026 · 11/02/2020 10:43

Stop trying to explain to him.

He's made clear there is no combination of words he will accept so you will only drive yourself mad if you get sucked into that cycle of you explaining and him refusing to accept it.

There are multiple threads on here by women stuck in that trap if you want to see how badly it will pan out.

WifOfBif · 11/02/2020 10:43

The easy option isn’t always the right option.

It hurts now, I know it does but give it time

Dragonembroidery · 11/02/2020 10:58

Be careful OP. Mn always recommends splitting and yet...and yet.
Most of them wouldn't follow that advice themselves.

Security and having someone there for you in tough times or illness is a good thing to have. I have neither.

I'm a single mum over 45. V unlikely to find another man again. And I'm skint. Men of my age on OLD are either married or after women aged 25 to 35. Men in 50s and 60s will consider me but not for long and not without a lot of beauty industry effort on my part, that's never quite enough.
I just saying it's very tough out there.
Consider this.

Maybe he's not that bad. Most are worse.

HollowTalk · 11/02/2020 11:03

I think a really hard lesson to learn is that just because you love someone, it doesn't mean you should spend your life with them. Forget your feelings for a moment and look at the reality. He cheated on you. He thinks now you're cheating on him, just because you can't cope. He won't go for counselling or do anything positive to help. The right guy wouldn't cheat in the first place.

cheesydoesit · 11/02/2020 11:04

Jesus Christ Dragonembroidery you don't half come out with some submissive shit on here. Yes OP, if clinging on to someone who treats you like shit is your thing then crack on.

YANBU to feel how you are feeling. Others have said it more eloquently than me but he is not showing the actions of a remorseful man who is sorry to have betrayed you.

Snowymascot · 11/02/2020 11:13

Massive hugs to you. I’m sorry to say this BUT if he loved you so much and wants to try to make things work he would move heaven and earth and do anything to do that. Believe me you have done the right thing.

I was once in your shoes, ex husband cheated only ended when I found out, we decided to give it another go, I was struggling wanted counselling he didn’t, I decided to end it.

Snowymascot · 11/02/2020 11:20

Dragonembroidery I feel sorry for you.

TwentyViginti · 11/02/2020 11:23

Dragonembroidery there are enough posts on MN to show that having a man isn't a guarantee of having someone who supports you through tough times or illness.

OP has no support from her H does she? For a shit situation HE created

dayowl · 11/02/2020 11:25

It’s going to be hard but it’s the right thing to do

pointythings · 11/02/2020 11:29

Well, I am a single woman of 52. I was in the process of divorcing my husband (he didn't cheat unless you count his mistress, the bottle) when he died. And life is so much better. You don't need a man in your life to be happy. Dragonembroidery is talking needy bollocks.

MumW · 11/02/2020 11:29

I suggested space, But that didn’t go down well
At all

He cheated.
You've tried your hardest to forgive but you are struggling.
You've asked for some space, he gave you short shrift when he should have been saying "It was me that f*cked up, take as long as you need".
You call time, he immediately thinks that because time has passed you should be over his 'indiscretion' so says there must be someone else.

It's all about him, isn't it?
I bet that in his mind he's minimised what he's done.

Stay strong. Of course, it's hard to leave but you can't just turn off a switch and stop loving him. Just remember, though, that you love the person you thought he was and that is what you are having trouble leaving - that bus left the minute he was unfaithful.

FlowerArranger · 11/02/2020 11:34

I really don’t know if I’ve done the right thing. Despite everything I do love him. It just hurts to be with him remembering what happened.

Of course you don't know whether you've done the right thing, but he is doing NOTHING to help you heal. Refuses counselling. Won't give you space. Minimises what he did. And now, the piece de resistance: he is accusing YOU of planning to cheat.

There is a book called Helping your Spouse Heal from an Affair, which I haven't read but is often recommended. Though, given your husband's lack of insight and kindness, I wonder whether he'd even read it.

You love the IDEA of him, a story and character you've built in your head, coloured by idealised memories of the good times you shared.

The feeling of hurt on his face was him realising the time of having his cake and eat it has come to an end.

I know how hard this is. I tried for 5 YEARS. But it was never the same, and ultimately never enough. The feeling of liberation when I finally pulled the plug told me all I need to know about whether it was the right thing to do.

Tombliwho · 11/02/2020 11:34

Dragonembroidery your self esteem must be through the floor. Imagine clinging to someone, anyone just so you don't have to be alone. Grim.

messolini9 · 11/02/2020 11:39

He just doesn’t believe counselling would do any good. Says he’s not a talker so what’s the point.
So he can't talk - how boring, Communication is everything in a marriage. I think you should press ahead with counselling anyway - JUST for you. It will help you make sense of what has happened, how you genuinely feel, & - eventually - what you want to do about it.

I thought he had stopped caring, but the look on his face tonight has made me wonder if it was all in my head.
He did stop caring,. All the time he was with his OW, he was not caring about you.
That look on his face - ? - that's not caring. That's dismay at having to face a consequence to his own actions.

I'm not advising you to LTB OP. Only you can decide what is valuable to & bearable for you. But say you go back on your decision to quit ... say he is relieved & grateful & makes promises ... & things are ok for a little while ... but what will you do when you realise that "that look" is no longer featuring on his face?

This is, after all, the man who wants you to stay, but can't be arsed to commit to counselling with you. Yeah, sounds like a winner. Can be arsed to fuck around, but not own that behaviour & take it to a safe space for discussion & resolution with you.
Here - he can have this AND eat it -

wobblywinelover · 11/02/2020 11:43

You've done the right thing OP, seems he isn't even capable of rational thought? Just because it's over with the OW, it doesn't mean all the problems go away!! And to accuse/think that you've now got someone else is totally pathetic and highlights exactly how his mind as a cheater works - projection at it's finest. Stay strong OP and certainly don't feel guilty, you deserve better. Take him back and he'll do it again, I promise you that

messolini9 · 11/02/2020 11:43

I suggested space, But that didn’t go down well
At all

It's all on HIS terms, innit OP?

I’ll never trust him again
I'm not surprised. Not only will he not "entertain counselling", he's "not a talker" i.e. unable to communicate, & he's not exactly a listener either, is he?

Cheating aside - when did you ever get what YOU wanted in this marriage OP?

AryaStarkWolf · 11/02/2020 11:45

If the trust is gone then it's pointless imo, that doesn't mean you will just stop loving him or it won't hurt. It will get better though

Flip

1 2 3