It’s over

[TwinkleLittleBat]

So after several months of trying to move on from husband cheating I’ve realised I can’t do it anymore. I can’t believe it but I ended it tonight. I thought it was the right thing to do, but seeing how hurt he was, and how upset I am, I’m devastated.
I expected to feel relief but I just feel loss. I want nothing more than to go back and tell him I take it all back.

Twinkle, I could shake your H.
Still feel guilt though

He's the cheating fucker who refuses counselling, refuses to give you space, yet YOU are somehow left feeling guilty?

Oh no no no no no Twinkle.
This is not a healthy dynamic for you at all.

When you dont know what to do, do nothing. Give it time and space. Some people come out of affairs with a better relationship but it's a long process. Wishing you luck

He’s not trying is he? He said no to counselling, he said to giving you space and now is trying to shift he blame on to you by saying you must be seeing someone else.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he cheats on you again. He will think you will forgive him again.

Twinkle - please go back & read @user18463585026's post at Tue 11-Feb-20 10:27:44

And give yourself a nice hot chocolate or whatever your favourite small comfort is - right now.

I am 42, 43 this year. I divorced my husband last year after a long time of feeling angry and resentful about the un-equal load in our relationship. I asked him time and time again to step up and he didn't. He was devastated. I was so so sad and felt so guilty but once I made the decision I pursued it. I must have felt bad to have said I wanted him gone so whilst at that instant I felt upset and guilty I had to believe that I'd made the right decision.

It was a really shitty 9 months. Selling the house, dealing with an upset kid and feeling bad about the ex. Then it started to get better... I am 18 months on from "Please leave day" and so much happier. Just started a new relationship - it may not work out but it's fun.

My ex has magically found he can sort his own life if I'm not there to do it for him.

Now I look back I KNOW KNOW KNOW I was right to do this. Yes it was hard, yes it was sad but he wasn't for changing and I couldn't live like that anymore.

Stick to your guns - you made a decision and it was the right decision for you. Don't let this initial emotional shit storm confuse you. It is really really hard but the only way for it to get better is to batten down the hatches and ride it out.

Most of them wouldn't follow that advice themselves.
Is that a fact, @Dragonembroidery?

Security and having someone there for you in tough times or illness is a good thing to have. I have neither
Bullshit.
Why are you looking to a man to provide you with security, & why would he be the sole source of help in "tough times or illness"?
Isn't that what friends are for?

Maybe he's not that bad. Most are worse.
Fucking hell Dragon.
Get yourself some therapy, the term "Simpering Dickpanderer" could have been minted just for you on these boards lately.
Are you seriously recommending that OP stays with ANY man, just in case she can't "get" ANOTHER one?

What has gone on in your life that you feel Wrong Man is better than No Man?

Don't feel guilty and don't look back.
Stick by your decision op.
Take it hour by hour,step forward by step forward.
You cannot change the past,today you can begin to plan a happier tomorrow.
Be strong,be determined to acknowledge that he has caused irredeemable damage to your relationship.
Respect yourself in that you cannot live with someone who has cheated on you,don't feel bad for acknowledging your own feelings.
You can do this.

Whatever you eventually decide to do, a decent chunk of time on your own now will enable you to clarify your thinking.

If anybody should be feeling guilt, it's him NOT you. He's still thinking about himself, not you.

I wouldn't be able to move on from this and regardless of how much remorse he is showing now, he didn't give you a second thought when he cheated on you.

I'd just like to add: read the Chumplady website. I think it will help you come to a decision.

You tried to get past it and couldn’t. That’s ok.
He isn’t open to therapy which really suggests he isn’t willing to do everything possible to save it.
Sometimes you try and it doesn’t work out.

YANBU for feeling this loss though. Despite the betrayal you can still grieve for what you had, and the future you understood you had too.

And please don’t say with him solely for security and having someone in your life. It’s a grim fate to damn yourself to, stuck in a loveless marriage feeling resentment towards the man who was threw his loyalty away and shat on your relationship.

If he actually cared about the devastation he cause you counselling would be no issue. Not pointless.

He didn't care enough about you to try and do what you may have needed to fix things.

It’s frustrating reading your updates OP.

As a PP has said - he’s really not trying.

You’ve suggested counselling and taking some time and space apart and HE’S not keen on that.

What exactly does he expect - you to just get over it and move on? While he does nothing to work on the relationship or regain your trust?

He’s now playing the victim - accusing you of having someone else and that being the cause of the relationship ending. NOT HIS BLOODY AFFAIR.

OP please don’t feel sorry for this man. He cares little for you or your relationship clearly. He’s not trying. He’s not doing anything. And now he’s trying to blame you!!

He’s showing you the man he is... take notice!!

He just doesn’t believe counselling would do any good. Says he’s not a talker so what’s the point.

The point is if he really wanted to mend your relationship, he would do whatever is required. However pout of his comfort zone that took him. It is more likely he doesn't want to face the awful way he has behaved and betrayed you.

I suggested space, But that didn’t go down well
At all

Probably because it would inconvenience him moving out for a bit and he wants his home comforts.

He just wants to brush it all under the carpet and carry on as you were before.

The thing is. I know what dragon says is true.

OP, I am 51, and a single parent, and while it might be nice to have a partner, I'm not reliant on finding one. It's been 3 years since I left my ex because of abuse, and I relish the peace.

The thing is. I know what dragon says is true.

BULLSHIT, HONEY.

Go & do some reading on what "love" is. This geezer has a better handle on it that ou currently do - www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1577531/jewish/What-Is-Love.htm

Then go & read some more - mainly on manipulative & controlling relationships, where one party has everything his own way, & his partner has to suck it up for fear of ... what? Not being lied to, not taken for granted, not listened to, not cared enough about to attend counselling with, not respected enough to be given space to process her feelings about his infidelity ... & then accused of having an affair just because she wants to assert some independence from him while she works out what to do next?
Goodle DARVO while you're thinking that one over, Twinkle.

My brother always says give yourself a fortnight. Don't back track but see how you feel then. Worked for me, I went back and forth, listened to my brother and took a fortnight to think things over. Ended everything. Never been happier. Initially it's the shock of change - give yourself time.

you wanted counselling - he wouldn't do it
you wnated some space - he didn't like that

now he is hurt that you ended it.

Pretty self absorbed!

you deserve better. He hasn't really got it, that he needs to do the running here has he? In other words, he doesn't really think he has done anything too bad.

He doesn’t understand why it’s come to this after months of it being over with the OW.

Because he thinks that having ended it everything should go back to how it was before. No consequences for him, no having to take responsibility, just move along, nothing to see here. But it isn't about the ending, it's about how he's behaved since. No to counselling (he doesn't want to face up to what he's done), no to giving you some space. No to - I suspect - anything else you've asked of him. So even since the ending of the relationship with the OW it's still all about him, what he will and won't do. There's nothing about how you feel, and what would help you.

That's why it's come to this now. And feel free to tell him so.

The thing is. I know what dragon says is true

It’s a shame that you have latched on to the one voice that is scared of change and happier to stay in an unhappy situation.

I’m afraid @constantlyseekinghappiness was right, your updates are frustrating. I don’t suppose you’ll leave him this time, and you’ll be back posting here in a year’s time.

FWIW, I did leave in a similar situation and my only regret is not leaving sooner. 5 wasted years.

Nope, what the dickpanderer said isn't true. That's your zero self esteem talking. A shitty cheating man who expects you to just get over it is not better than no man.

And you do realise it's more than likely that he will do it again, don't you?

NO, dragon is NOT right.
I am not one for saying LTB.
I do often think that despite affairs etc, many people can work their marriage out.
I think people can make mistakes, regret them, grow, change and you can come out stronger as a couple. Hard but possible.

The trouble is, your dh stopped at regret. He regrets it that you caught him. He regrets that his easy ride stopped. He isn't willing to grow, change, work on the marriage and move on. So there isn't an option here.

Give yourself time to grieve and to heal.

"FWIW, I did leave in a similar situation and my only regret is not leaving sooner. 5 wasted years."

Yep, I stayed in an abusive relationship for 4 years in my youth - my biggest regret is those 4 years lost out of my life.