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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU anomaly scan?

86 replies

Rachael2098 · 10/02/2020 22:30

I'm due my 20 week scan this week and we are finding out the gender.

My mum has asked if she can pop her head in after we have had the scan just to see it. I really want her to and it will make me so happy

I just don't want to ask my partner incase he is like well I'm inviting my mum too. I understand why but I just don't want my MIL there.

AIBU?

OP posts:

BadCatDirtyCat · 11/02/2020 08:12

Your body, your scan, your choice. I had a private reassurance scan and went with my mum as DP couldn't make it - my dad had to wait downstairs because that was my choice!

That said - do remember it's a medical appointment and the first thing is to check no anomalies. If they do find something maybe that's another reason to have your mum there for support but not your MIL as you're not as comfortable with her?

Good luck!

myself2020 · 11/02/2020 08:18

Please remember its a medical appointment, and a strictly timed one as well. there will be people in the waiting room who’ve had potentially bad news, please be respectful to them. The extra time taken up by your mum will mean another women with a sick baby won’t get enough time.

PurpleDaisies · 11/02/2020 08:20

The extra time taken up by your mum will mean another women with a sick baby won’t get enough time.

I’m sorry but this just isn’t true, even in the nhs. If problems are found, that appointment just runs longer.

CorneliusBeefington · 11/02/2020 08:21

If it's a private scan (at one of those window to the world type places?) Then yes yanbu to want your dm there to share it with her. Yanbu to not want your MIL there although it may harm your relationship.

myself2020 · 11/02/2020 08:24

@purpledaisies it is true. i know, i was there. sitting in the waiting room, having to wait for a mum to beg for endless repeats to see her -healthy - baby led to my anomaly scan (hydrocephalus) being postponed to the next day. so i waited in near panic for 30 minutes only to be send home to come back the day after. all because of miss selfish who refused at full volume to get up if they couldn’t take another picture.
even if not that extreme, lots of 3-5 minutes delays add up, and somebody looses out

BirdieFriendBadge · 11/02/2020 08:25

No. Your mum doesn't need to go with you. You'll get photo print outs anyway.

Andtwomakesix · 11/02/2020 08:32

Are you even allowed to do that? My hospital has a clear sign up saying only two in total. The 20 week scan is a much more serious affair than the first scan so can't imagine the staff would appreciate it.

Andtwomakesix · 11/02/2020 08:37

Oh just saw its a private scan...I'd invite her in that case. We are having one and my mother, my partners mother and our two kids are invited as there can be five guests. His mother can't make it though but she was invited

PurpleDaisies · 11/02/2020 08:39

I’m so sorry that happened myself.

I meant if during a scan problems were found, they wouldn’t stop because the allotted ten minutes were up.

Kittypillar · 11/02/2020 08:40

we have the scan at the hospital too. This is just my 20 week we are having an additional privately.

OP, I'm a bit confused, so can you clarify - is the scan you want your mum to "pop into" a private scan or is this the 20 week anomaly scan? I thought earlier this was the former but this post seems to suggest it actually is the anomaly scan?

If it's the private scan you're talking about, (while I do think it perhaps is a bit of a shame not to include the other grandmother) it's a private scan and you can invite who you want. You'll have your own reasoning for who you want to support you there and you just have to thrash that out with your partner. Personally I would advise against it unless you're prepared to invite MIL too but it's your scan, your choice, and you'd just have to be prepared for the consequences of what not inviting your MIL along too might result in.

If it's the latter and it's the 20 week anomaly scan, then yes, that's unreasonable. I join the other voices here in saying that an anomaly scan is, ultimately, much more serious (clue is in the name) and it should be treated as such. The important thing is that the Sonographer can do their job properly and having people "pop in" while they're trying to give baby a thorough check isn't appropriate. I'm sorry if people telling you as such has upset you but, believe me, it's very valid to remind you of this. If you want your mum there for support for the whole 20 week scan, because you're nervous about this and want the support, that would be different if your hospital allows 2 people in. But just "popping in" is not. Again, you'd just have to explain properly to your MIL why you've made that decision and be prepared for how she might take that.

tilly568 · 11/02/2020 08:41

Think a lot of people are missing that this is a private paid scan. Away from the NHS that I am paying a fortune and I am entitled to have up to 5 visitors.

People have been very very nasty on here so I will not be responding again.

Feel free to carry the thread on

AnotherEmma · 11/02/2020 08:44

Have you name changed OP?

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 11/02/2020 08:48

Wait, im a bit confused as to if this is a private scan, or a 20 week scan with the NHS?

At a private clinic they'd probably be more accommodating.

In an NHS 20 week scan the gender is literally that last thing on the sonographers minds. They checked everything over, then the sex at the end was just an add on, like, 'oh and its a boy', and even then we had to remind her we wanted to know. It wasnt a great reveal like people seem to think it is.

I do think you're being a bit unreasonable for not letting your MIL in. She may be a bit loud and boisterous, but in in reality what do you think shes going to do? Knock things over and cause havoc?

Equally the NHS hospital probably wouldnt let your husband, your mother AND your MIL into the room. Honestly id just say its a one person policy, and tell them afterwards.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 11/02/2020 08:49

Away from the NHS that I am paying a fortune and I am entitled to have up to 5 visitors.

You havent actually said previously on this thread that 5 people are allowed though have you. That might have been nice.

PrincessPain · 11/02/2020 08:52

You can do whatever you want within the guidelines of the people scanning you.
But not being to have a pretty normal conversation with your partner while you are pregnant is worrying.
And you can't control how other people feel. Likely you will alienate and disappoint your partner and MIL.
You can still do whatever you want, you just have to be prepared for a possible fallout.
It doesnt matter if you're being reasonable or not, have you read the threads on mumsnet about MIL and DPs? People fallout all the time about the pettiest things.

Bezalelle · 11/02/2020 08:52

It always gives me the rage when people berate women who want to see their mums after giving birth and not their MILs.

Why does this enrage you? Can't you fathom that people are different? I wouldn't want my mother there, because we have a strained relationship. However, I would love my MIL to be there because she is wonderful and treats me really well.

Kittypillar · 11/02/2020 09:03

Away from the NHS that I am paying a fortune and I am entitled to have up to 5 visitors.

This kind of context about the visitors might have been useful to mention upfront OP...

Like I said before, your previous posts made it difficult to distinguish if it was private or not. People have no need to be rude but you also asked the question and people have given you honest opinions based on the information you gave them. Sorry if they just weren't the answers you wanted.

Good luck with the scan, it's important for you to have an honest conversation with your partner. It's ultimately your choice who have there for the scan, just be prepared for what that might result in. And if you want your mum there, have her there for the whole thing for support.

Trooperslaneagain · 11/02/2020 09:28

@PurpleDaisies has it.

*It’s a medical scan. They’re looking for abnormalities.

It’s not a spectator sport.*

Not to be the voice of doom but remember you can get some very bad news - not definitely, but think about who you would want in the room if you need to process it.

It's a brilliant service to have access to - don't treat it disrespectfully.

Notso · 11/02/2020 09:48

Think a lot of people are missing that this is a private paid scan. Away from the NHS that I am paying a fortune and I am entitled to have up to 5 visitors.

They are missing it because this is the first time you've mentioned it and under a name change.

I stand by what I said before though, you need to be discussing this with your partner, not strangers online.
If your mature enough to become parents you should be mature enough to have a discussion about who is or isn't attending a scan.
The avoiding telling your partner because you think he'll want his Mum there too is quite childish.
You need to be on the same page. Having a child is fantastic but it can also be incredibly stressful. It's great that you have your Mum who will always support you but you are having a baby with your partner not your Mum.
I would be annoyed if my husband went behind my back to please my MIL. I imagine if you get to the scan and your partner has invited your MIL there without telling you wouldn't go down very well with you either.
It's actually a bit unfair of your Mum to invite herself to the scan, my MIL does this and it's really annoying.

Urkiddingright · 11/02/2020 10:08

Anomaly scans are 100% medical, they’re not a family day out ffs. If you want family to gawp at a scan, pay for a private 3D one.

ddraigygoch · 11/02/2020 11:37

So this is not an anomaly scan?

It's a private gender scan?

Then yes it's your money and time so you will be able to tell them you're going to call your mum in.

FebruaryBlueberry · 11/02/2020 12:40

Yeah the hospital wont allow this. Why don't you all chip in for a private scan? Ours was such a wonderful experience and you can have up to 5 people in with you!

FebruaryBlueberry · 11/02/2020 12:43

Ignore my last post, I was lazy and did not RTFT. I would think it was only fair that both are in there with you? meh there is probably a massive backstory

Wez13 · 11/02/2020 12:47

What @AnotherEmma said !!!!

Cs03 · 11/02/2020 12:55

I did a post about mil and the replies really upset me .... of course you will want your own mum instead of your partners and it’s your pregnancy so you decide. Your the one carrying baby for 9 months not your partner yes it’s his baby too but we go through WAY more.
I’m going to be honest, I think there are a lot of overbearing women on here with sons and when they have babies they will be the type of mil we all dread !!! So your not going to get many comments agreeing with you. Some of you need to stop pandering to your grown up sons so much and realise your dils are doing the graft of pregnancy so let them have there wishes whatever they bloody are.

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