AIBU anomaly scan?

[Rachael2098]

I'm due my 20 week scan this week and we are finding out the gender.

My mum has asked if she can pop her head in after we have had the scan just to see it. I really want her to and it will make me so happy

I just don't want to ask my partner incase he is like well I'm inviting my mum too. I understand why but I just don't want my MIL there.

AIBU?

It’s a medical scan. They’re looking for abnormalities. It’s not a spectator sport

Another vote for this.
Also if there are issues it may really and truly not be appropriate.

My hospital only allowed one person to accompany the mother.

Thanks everyone.

It is a private scan scan in a clinic, I am having more so to find out the gender. It is in a beautiful clinic and I wanted my mum to simply pop her head in at the end when we are told the gender because she wanted to.

I just didn't want it to be made into a huge deal with my partner wanting to then ask his MIL DIL etc. I am a very shy person and have been dealing with confidence problems now and before my pregnancy.

I do not want MIL there as I feel exposed and she is very loud and boisterous

At private clinics you can get pictures and maybe even a recording on a USB. Maybe do that for your parents and PIL.

My mum popped in at the end of my anatomy scan. She happened to be staying on that date and DH and I agreed it would be nice to invite her. They did all the formal checks and then DH went to the waiting area and asked her to come in while we found out gender. Had something awful been found on the scan I would have wanted my mum nearby anyway.

MIL, if she had been there, would have been there purely to see GC. I probably would have found it uncomfortable as she tends to get overly involved and ask lots of questions. DH equally wouldn’t have felt comfortable having his mum there, as it isn’t an easy relationship.

In the future if I was a MIL I wouldn’t feel pushed out if the other GP attended a scan. Children aren’t possessions to be fought over and scores kept. I would want my DIL to feel completely comfortable in her pregnancy and know that I’ll be in her space if/when she invites me and not to have expectations on that.

Maybe just have a chat with him and see what he thinks. Your mum can join in the excitement with a FaceTime straight after if he’s not keen on the idea.

Provided the hospital will allow it that’s fine.

I had my mum with me during labour (as well as DH) during my first labour (at home). This is your body that is exposed. It is entirely up to you.

After the birth there are issues of equality and fairness to consider between the grandparents. But whilst you are pregnant it’s all about your body, your medical needs and who you want to share in that.

@Yellowandpurple78 thank you so much for your reply. I completely agree with you!

My family are there for me at the drop of a hat, vice versa, but they respect our privacy and I really respect them for that. My PIL are very intrusive and get upset if we go out together without them.

I think just some families are different and I can see and understand the cause for different opinions completely. 😊

As others have said I think this is unreasonable of you. I don’t have the closest relationship with my mil and wouldn’t have wanted her at various things that I might be open to own mum joining but ultimately she is my child Granny and my husbands mother; hurting her or more so my husband by making them feel lesser or not as important just isn’t ok. You have really good alternatives such as sharing the pics or getting the recording at a private scan that could allow for this just as easily without upsetting anyone. Maybe arrange to go to your mums for a cup of tea post scan to show her straight away but I don’t think it’s a great idea to set out your “my mum is more important or valued to me than your mum in this whole thing” stall

@WingingIt101 as I said in my last post, I didn't want it to be a huge deal which it seems it is now being made out to be!

I nearly lost my mum a few weeks back, I'm 25 and it was hard. I feel like this means a lot to her and I want her to pop in and see it for herself as I want her to do things that make her happy after the tough time we had.

I am not purposely not inviting MIL or leaving her out. I just want a private calm scan as I am a very nervous person and I would love to have my mum nearby, although I didn't invite her, she asked and I would like her to.

It’s a medical scan. They’re looking for abnormalities. It’s not a spectator sport

This completely sums it up.

I imagine that the sex of the baby is really going to be one of the last things on the sonagrapher's mind.

Worth paying for a private scan if you want to invite others to come, in addition to your partner.

@TurquoiseDress I am not claiming for it to be a spectator sport.

If there is a problem with the baby I would want my mum straight away regardless if she was with me in the clinic or not. The point is she asked to simply just see. This whole thread has been made into a huge deal which I wasn't suggesting it is!

Very upset.

Our hospital allows 2 people to come in with you.

I find it very odd when people want to take parents and friends etc... to medical appointments. This is primarily to check on the health of your baby, if you happen to find out the sex at the same time it's a bonus. At 25 you should be able to attend an appointment without clutching onto your mother. Go with your partner and send the grandparents copies of the picture later.

The problem is that if you want her there to "pop her head in at the end" then you are inviting her to the scan. That's how everyone else will see it. So your MIL may well feel that it's unfair.

That doesn't mean that you can't do it. It's your scan happening to your body so ultimately you can have whoever you want there, but be prepared for some possible conflict if you do invite your mum along.

OP, given the circumstances I'm sure you're partner would understand. I'd talk to him about it.

So your main purpose at your anomaly scan is finding out the sex of your baby? Get your priorities straight.

You sound very immature.

Even if we focus on your strange priority, why does your mother have to see what might not even be clear to a non-medical person ? Can’t you just tell her!

@user1494182820 I think you are very rude. Given my circumstances and the tough last month we had I have agreed her request.

@Anoisagusaris we have the scan at the hospital too. This is just my 20 week we are having an additional privately.

Thank you @HomerSimpsonSmilingPolitely I just don't want to make it an invite everyone event so maybe best my mum doesn't come at the end. She just asked and I didn't see why not and love her support.

It's a different story if it's a private scan. However to try and avoid conflict I would talk to your partner and explain your reasons. Especially with what you and your mum have been through. Hopefully he understands.

OP, one thing you do not want to do is alienate grandparents - however loud they may be. It's hard to see now, but in a few years you'd be glad of the good relationship your child has with them if you allow it to flourish. Having trusted people on hand who're good with your child so you can do date nights/doctors appointments/Labour with baby no 2/just have a break is invaluable. Not to mention good for your child. Don't be one of those mothers who only want their own mummy involved, it's immature and unfair. Do the scan alone and send them both a picture

Do you for some reason feel like you couldn't tell your partner:

• I want my mum to pop in at the end
• she nearly died and we've had a rough month
• I'm very anxious and nervous
• but I don't want it to turn into loads of family members being there

?

If you can't have the conversation you're having here with him too, then you two have some problems.

YA both BU. It’s in the name, anomaly scan. It’s not a ‘balloons and rainbows’ scan. They are checking baby is developing normally. Sometimes they refuse to check gender though I found out with mine at this scan.

Book a private scan and discuss who can come then.

OP, you really shouldn't have posted in AIBU.
As you have seen people can be very nasty on here.
I think if you'd posted in Pregnancy or Relationships and said in your first post that it was a private, the overall tone and balance of the answers would have been very different.
Fuck everyone else and what they think.
You're having a private scan, if the hospital allows it and your partner is ok with it, take your mum with you.
It is absolutely ok for you to make decisions about what makes you comfortable during your pregnancy and birth.
If you are not comfortable with involving your MIL in your own medical appointments that is absolutely bloody fine!!!
When men get pregnant they can invite their mothers to whatever they like!

*a private scan