To ask was it all worth it for DD 1 to attend a super selective grammar school when she is so down on herself because she won't be going to Oxbridge like her three best friends.e

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DD 1 YR 13 is hoping to get offers from Warwick , Bath or Surrey Universities. However, despite potentially having the choice of three great Uni's is feeling extremely low this evening, unbelievable i know but with three of her closet friends likely to get offers from Cambridge and Oxford is feeling 'stupid!

Do these extra selective girls schools create the idea for normally very bright girls that if you are not Oxford/Cambridge bound you are mediocre .
Out of sympathy DD 2 year 10 who is at the same Essex Grammar school as now informed me she intends leaving the school next year and will not go to University.

@olympicsrock how interesting! You were deemed not good enough and now you work there! Hope that helps the OP to keep it all in perspective

Very amused by all the dissing of Oxbridge by people here, especially by people who never went.
I did go and had a great time socially and academically as a mixed race person from a comprehensive. My friends from there are from all walks of life and social backgrounds, they have done well in their chosen careers. Some earn a lot, some have chosen to be SAHMs, some do socially conscious work and are not well paid. Were there awful snobs, social misfits and weirdos in my college? Yes because Oxbridge is more a reflection of society (in that respect) than we allow ourselves to believe. There are all sorts of people everywhere and it would be a real shame to put people off applying to Oxbridge by perpetuating the myth that only posh or weird people go there.

All schools, of whatever kind, tend to pigeonhole students.

I went to a school that sends approx 70-80 students a year to Oxbridge. A friend of mine was told, like olympics above, that she wasn’t Oxbridge material. Cambridge disagreed, gave her a place and she went on to get 3 As at A level (no stars in those days) and a double first. Schools can get their students very wrong.

In this case it seems to be DD who has decided that she’s not suitable.
You do need to be confident to be happy there, so she may be correct it’s not the right place for her, but that’s no reflection on her intelligence.

Wow. Sounds like CCHS hasn't changed since I left then..

While they don't explicitly tell you you aren't good enough, you are left with no doubt in your head as to what is acceptable and isn't.
Bs mean try harder, they aren't good enough.
As mean with a bit harder so you can get that A*.
Cs... well. Not worth talking about.

I disappeared from their radar when i said i didn't want to go to uni, i was of no interest to them, although i still had to sign up to UCAS.

A friend joined us there for sixth form and regretted moving from her previous high school within Chelmsford.

Half the year had issues with eating, MH.. no one escaped unscathed.
I'm glad i went.. purely for the friends i made. Other than that.. i wouldn't recommend it to anyone.

OP, one of my best friends didn't get into Oxbridge, and studied at Warwick-she has no regrets about that and loved it.

I went to Oxford. It is (or was) quite a different set up to other universities - the college system and the intensive nature of the tuition. I feel lucky to have been there and mostly enjoyed my time there. Obviously I have no idea if I would have had a better or worse time at a different university - no one does. It does annoy me on these threads when people talk about what a narrow escape it was that they didn't get into Oxbridge/how much better a time you will have elsewhere. Who can tell? I think, though, that it is probably also correct to say that some people choose/want to choose Oxbridge for the prestige factor, when the course/set-up isn't necessarily their ideal.
My sister got an offer for a highly selective politics course at the LSE, missed one of her grades unexpectedly and ended up going to Manchester. She had a great time there - who is to say if it would have been better/worse to get into her first choice.
The issue here I think is your DD's self-esteem and it's impossible to tell on the basis of a post on here to what extent that's due to the school environment and to what extent it's other internal/external pressures. I hope she is OK, gets through this tricky patch with her friends (it's an odd time when you're all about to go on your own ways), and enjoys herself wherever she does end up.

Sorry OP, just seen your update. If she didn’t apply to Oxbridge even after encouragement from the school, then she can hardly be angry at those who did

Even if she did go to Oxford, that’s will be those who get Firsts and those that get middling degrees. If she doesn’t get a first, should she blame the uni for that?

This is life, surely. There is competition in every school.

As you say, 90% will not get Oxbridge offers. She has chosen to be part of that 90% or maybe she wouldn’t have got an offer anyway - who knows? But they’ll make their own lives, like everyone else.

Since the entry requirements for Oxbridge are often A*AA (and for some courses AAA) why did your DD assume she wasn't good enough to apply?

Of course they’re going to “lionise” offers from two of probably the three best universities in the UK. Those offers make them as selective as they are. 🤷🏻‍♀️

So she didn't even apply? Then that is her problem, not the school's and you need to deal with her insecurities.
Listen, I went to Oxford and loved it, the 1 on 1 tutoring is unlike any other place, I found it tough academically but I also had an amazing time. People feel the need to bash it but it's a fantastic
place for very academic people. That said, there are plenty of other great places and if her self esteem is so fragile, she needs to work on that before anything else. The most important thing is the course, not the uni (assuming the uni is good quality and her options all look great)

Sorry but I don't understand what your aibu is op.
(I clearly would not get into any university😀)

My DD at Edinburgh knows two kids who genuinely turned down Oxbridge offers. It's not everything. Not by a long way.

At the end of the day op, if she REALLY WANTS to go to Oxbridge she rejects all offers, takes a year out and reapplies. Its a simple as that.

I do think looking at her choices Warwick would be excellent, it is very hard to get into. Its not a choice she would regret.

Great schools offer opportunities, not guarantees.

My Nephew got the grades that could have taken him to Oxbridge but Southampton University had more to offer in its Courses for his subject and interest in Maths and Computers. I don't think he would have been happy in the Oxbridge system. He went back to visit Southampton three times so that must say something about the place that he felt that was for him .

Warwick is an excellent University and she will thrive there. Once she makes new friends from various schools and backgrounds she will realise she is far from stupid!

A family member turned down an offer from Cambridge. We thought he was bonkers at the time but in retrospect it was the right decision for him.

If your DD didn't apply then you can't ask whether it was worth attending a GS, can you? The school asked her to apply, she refused!

I can feel for her. My son (from grammar school) went to Warwick. He worked hard and got the required grades. He did electronic engineering. But was really low as he went as he found that a lot of his colleagues on EEng course were ‘failures’ having not got the 3 or 4 A*’s needed for Oxbridge, so to them, Warwick was a second choice ‘back up’ whereas he worked his socks off to get there. He always has (and still does) lack confidence. But Warwick is vv good uni, one of the very top in the ‘second league’ if you count Oxbridge as number 1. It doesn’t make you any less bright because you go to somewhere a bit more achievable in terms of grades. And I think the extreme pressure put on Oxbridge is really unhelpful for some.....on the radio last week, apparently you aren’t allowed a term-time job if at Oxford as there is so much work!
Good luck to her in forthcoming exams.

In hindsight, one of the best things that happened to me was going to a sink comprehensive. Not that there was a choice. I've been successful but also missed the horrible competitiveness of these girls' selective schools. A friend's daughter is really suffering. I hope your daughter feels better soon, all those universities are great.

DS1 turned down Oxford for Warwick. He has no regrets.

I went to school and Uni in another country. Got average A level equivalent grades and although my Uni was a good one - I didn't get the course I wanted so did another one and got an average degree result. Came to London to work a long time ago and worked hard. Now I'm wealthier than all my school friends including those who did way way better than me results wise and Uni Course wise (not the be all and end all I know - but if we're going to judge success by monetizing it - then yes I've done well) - also happily married with 3 kids. Never in my wildest dreams did I think my life would turn out this way. The girl who came top of our year and went on to the best University in my country - like THE best - went on to fail her course at the end of her first year - and had to come to my Uni - a big big climb down for her as she always made those of us who didn't get straight A's feel thick. She stayed in the city I grew up in and has gone from pillar to post in her life and now has a crap job. If anyone had told me back all those years ago when she seemed destined for a glittering career and I was imagining myself back home living with my parents after Uni - how our lives would turn out I'd have said they were dreaming. A lot in life comes down to hard work, ambition and luck and if your daughter wants a particular career - she will make it happen regardless of what University she goes to - and BTW the three you mention are all excellent. There's a long road in life ahead of you when you leave school and the direction you take is not the forever direction. And take it from someone who interviews people on a regular basis for well paid jobs, what matters at the end of the day is someone who is clever yes - but who also has a personality - sense of humour and empathy for other people - not someone who has been to what is considered to be a top Uni but which produces arrogant, self centred and snobbish graduates (a sweeping generalisation I know - but you know what I mean). The working world is full of normal people - many have got where they are without even going to University - and those who can get along with everyone and don't think they're a cut above the rest are the ones who do best. Let her friends go where they go - tell her 10 years is a long time and a lot can happen then. Although I didn't get the Uni or course I wanted - I made the best friends I've ever had and we're still in touch today..... now emoloyers don't even look at mv cv - they look at my experience and me as a person!! Good luck to your daughter those are great grades that ince upon a time I'd have killed to have!

Sounds like she has decent options, her choice not to go for Oxbridge. However it may well be that the summer pool friend does not get a place unless she has a disadvantage background as Zc's policy changed last year or one misses grades.

I went to CCHS too and agree with everything other ex pupils have said. I’m in my late 30s and was only just diagnosed with depression 18m ago despite definitely suffering since school. All those years I didn’t get help because it felt like a failure to admit I wasn’t on top of everything. I left school with rock bottom self esteem and spent years beating myself up watching all the high flyers progress while I still didn’t really know what I wanted to do with my life. I had more friends with eating disorders or who self harmed than didn’t. Now I have 3 daughters of my own, I wouldn’t dream of sending them to such a school.

I can understand her feeling a bit down on herself if all 3 of her closest friends are going to Oxbridge. But surely, even a high achieving school only sends a few kids to Oxbridge ? So she must still be in the majority. I dont think any of this stuff matters alot in the long term. Theres so many other factors when it comes to success other than schools and university.

Your daughter can apply to the universities SHE chooses on her UCAS form- the school does not choose. My daughter was not actively encouraged to apply to Oxbridge by her non selective state school 😱 but she still did- and got an interview- she went on to get A star A star A but went to another fantastic university and is very happy. Some students who were encouraged to apply didn’t get interviews. Some students got offers from Oxbridge and missed out on the grades- some got in! It’s all part of learning and life!
You chose to send your child to an elite environment-the competition is to be expected and I think that Cambridge and Oxford suit some students - and get offers because it is appropriate for them and the universities want them because they would do well there. There are plenty of academic students with A* grades who go there and loads who don’t- there are other places! Try to encourage your daughter to see this as a fork in the road rather than a failure.

Sometimes things happen for a reason. I applied for Oxford but didn't get in- I decided from the interview that I liked the college system so chose Durham (originally 6th on my list). Met my (now) husband and most of my best friends there, was able to specalise within my subject much more than the Oxford degree allowed, and have never felt it held me back in life at all. The drama about unis will be over very quickly (as the 11+ stage is) and your daughter can go on to decide who, what and where she wants to be in life.