Advice needed, honest opinions

[lilmisstoldyouso]

Ok

So, here's a situation which has developed and I need some advice, well opinions really, I'll try to be brief.

Me and my DH both work demanding full time jobs. About six months ago he decided to buy into a franchise, his plan was/is to leave his current job once the business "takes off". He paid a 10k to buy the franchise and spent three weeks away from home attending training.

He has absolutely no experience in business, I mean none. And he had absolutely zero experience in the field the franchise covers.

Before he bought into the franchise I expressed my concerns "business is difficult, you have no knowledge of the product,". He simply wouldn't listen, said I was not ambitious, was scared of change and he was doing it anyway. In the end I just agreed to disagree because it was causing too many arguments.

He is now two months in, is completely overwhelmed by the legalities, tax, insurances and what not, and admitted this weekend that he can't remember how to use their computer system, so can't process any business transactions, he hasn't had any customers so this is probably a good thing, otherwise I'd dread to think what would have happened to the people's money.

He has now asked, well demanded, that I attended the training as well, so that he has someone to "support him" and someone to answer calls when he's not around.

I have explained that I never had any interest, intention, desire what so ever to run a business. I have no interest or knowledge of the product, am not a sales person, have my own job to do.

His response was "well when it takes off you'll be happy to spend to money won't you".

Because he runs the franchise from home I have no break from it. Yesterday was spent sitting on the couch for literally 10 hours doing online training for suppliers. If I so much as glanced at my phone he accused me of not being supportive and not being "there for him".

My opinion is this (Please tell me I'm wrong, I need perspective on this)

I have no interest in running a business, he knows this. I work full time in my own demanding job. I told him not to do it because I could foresee the issues it would cause. I feel like I'm being railroaded into something I want no part of. I think (privately) he's a fucking idiot for spending 10k of our money on a fucking pipe dream. The industry he's invested in is cut throat, and the commission is a pittance, by the time every man and his dog had taken their cut he will be lucky to earn 50 quid per job.

All we have done this weekend is argue. I resent him for bulldozing us into this. Sorry but I do.

Am I being unsupportive?

AIBU for not wanting to jump on board?

What would you do?

YANBU. If both partners want to do something outside their usual work and have a second business together then it's ok - but even that is very hard. But you were clear from the start that you didn't want involvement. I see your point of view as well - who wants a second job (and by the sounds of it a demanding one) when you come in from doing your first job. It will give you zero time to do other stuff (house/cooking/time for you etc). From what you say it sounds quite serious and perhaps he won't let go of it - perhaps you should put your ducks in order to ensure you are ok if you break up over it.

Op, as much as I'd step in and help him get it up and running, to make the pain go away, I'd also make it clear what your future role is.

I think your husband is thinking you'll do all the grunt work, do all the admin, behind the scenes, answer the phone etc, you need to make it very very clear that's not going to happen so he needs to do it himself, with your support only in the beginning, after that he's on his own.

What does he do now that he thought a business that could bring in a max of twenty grand a year was a good call?

I just feel drained. The money is one thing, he's taken a bank loan to but the franchise. Not such an issue as we don't have many debts but it's money we could have used for other things, house stuff, whatever. It's in his name, his bank, so not directly related to me.

I'm just feeling a bit shit because we had a pretty good life up to the fucking franchise bollocks. Now it's EVERY. SINGLE. CONVERSATION. It just never ends. I'm sick of the sight of the stuff lying all over the house. Sick of the name, the products, the constant talking about it. He hasn't talked about anything else for four months now.

I just need to vent, sorry.

If he does not understand the paperwork he should employ a part-time person to do it for him while he is learning the ropes about the business. My ex dh did something similar but it was in a field he was already working in and I went back to work full time instead of part time to pick up the slack financially whilst he got business off the ground. Even though I did not want to get involved I ended up having to do ordering supplies, invoicing, tax, insurance of one employee and VAT none of which I could do before and had to learn as I went along. I also had to make a business plan for when he wanted a bank loan. I felt if I didn't help and do this for him as he is dyslexic he would fail and blame me for not helping when I could.

I can't resist telling you OP that when we divorced the judge ordered him to pay he half of value of business which I was not really expecting.

I mean, just say op that you did attend the training and you were able to swoop in and save the day so to speak. How do you think things would continue once he'd got to grips with it himself? Would he see it as your success, or your joint success, or do you think he'd paint himself as the entrepreneurial master mind and expect you to keep on doing grunt work in the background?

You can probably tell which one of those I think would be the case, just based on his actions so far I think the latter. Obviously I don't know him or your how your marriage works generally, and perhaps all of this has been out of character for him.

OP

Read the second paragraph of your opening post again.

He. Him. His.

Not I. Not ‘we’. Not ‘our.

Been there, done that. It escalates, it gets all-consuming. Your marriage will be all about this. He wants you to join in so you can be partly responsible for the blame.

If I were you I’d stay in your line of work to keep the cash coming in.

Marriage is about supporting each other yes, but supporting things that you have made a joint decision on surely. This wasn't a joint decision as you made your reservations very clear from the beginning. As PPs have said, be supportive of HIM but not of the business - tell him this, and remind him that your job provides a steady income which is enabling him to attempt to run his business. And no I would not attend the training, you will find yourself doing ALL the work (in your precious spare time) while he faffs about telling all and sundry about HIS successful business!

Shit he took out a loan to do it?

I completely disagree with Bluntness. If I’d done this there is absolutely no way dh would give up time from his own very demanding job to bail me out of my self dug hole so why you expect the op to is beyond me.
I bet there’s a strong element that because you’re the “wife” you’re expected to suck it up and your husband would be aghast if the roles were reversed and you demanded his help.
It’s his selfish mistake op, yes it may result in your marriage ending but that’s what happens when one party does something without the others full support and agreement which impacts hugely on your whole family. It’s not that different from losing a fortune on a gambling site, nobody would be telling you to “roll your sleeves up” for that debacle.

And no I would not attend the training, you will find yourself doing ALL the work (in your precious spare time) while he faffs about telling all and sundry about HIS successful business!

Yes that's exactly how I envisage it turning out. Unless things go wrong still, in which case I'm sure op will be at fault.

He got into debt over this? Fucking hell. TELL him right now, I am not a part of this business, do not want to be, don't have time and what time I do have I don't want to spend on a business in which I have NO interest. I've given you what support I can - listened to you talk about the business, being surrounded by it in the home, supporting the financial commitment to it. That's what I can offer in terms of support.

If you're resenting it now, just imagine how much you will when you're working with him? Devoting time to bloody training when you could be taking a walk or doing some DIY or a hobby? Becoming the office dogsbody with no real benefit to yourself? Just nope out of it now.

I had a boyfriend who had a business and he tried this on with me, tried the 'you're not supporting me'. I told him I supported him all the time, discussing it all, listening to him vent about it, but supporting something and working for it are two different things and that I did not mix business with my relationship life and that if he required assistance he needed to properly hire someone for it.

Sorry, I didn't say she should take time away from her job. Clearly she shouldn't,

I simply said that they are in a stale mate, and he's fucked up but it's done now. So she could support him in the evenings, weekends etc, as long as he does the work, just to get it up and running, then don't be involved further. So she does it with him in those times, but he physically does it, she just kinda discusses and advises where possible.

Really? This is like saying you have to 'support' someone in a hobby you hate because you're married to them. Utter bollocks. She has a demanding job by her own admission, needs time to unwind and refresh herself without adding to her stress by using her free time to do grunt work for his grand ideas. By the sounds of it, she's already doing quite a bit of support by listening to talk of it non-bloody-stop.

Evenings? Weekends? Is the op not entitled to a life of her own after a 40 hour week? Sheesh.

The fact is that now you are the breadwinner - it makes no sense for you to get involved in the business. You need to hang on to your job so that in the very likely event his business goes tits up, you two can eat.

I agree with a PP - he wants you to be involved so that he can blame you when it all goes wrong.

If he's taken on a franchise that he has no previous experience of, then he's an idiot, really. There's so much involved in running a business - even if, say, he was a hairdresser who'd always been employed but now wanted to start up his own salon, he'd find it difficult enough. Given he has no prior knowledge and no general business common sense, it's just ridiculous that he's given up his job to do this.

How much was he earning before this? Let's say he was taking home £2,000 per month. With every passing month, he's losing yet another £2,000 (plus pension and NI investments) that he will never see again. If he's done that for four months, his investment is now £18,000.

I’d think seriously about leaving him.

How hideous. I would resist getting involved but you can't really win either way. If it collapses then you'll be to blame for not helping or you'll be to blame for helping and getting it wrong. Ugh.

Did you say you were not onboard before he bought the franchise? Did he do lots of research before he bought it?
Sounds like it's going to be an expensive mistake

I would just take a massive step back now and not get involved in any more discussions about it.

He will bankrupt you.

Have a serious think about separating and take financial advice to see what you can do to protect your own income and assets.

Hi OP, you sound very much like me 4 years ago 🙈🙈 partner did the same -sacked his full time well paying job to buy into a franchise that he knew nothing about. For months and months I heard about nothing else, but I rode it out.
It was a huge financial flop, and we ended up in a lot of debt having to bail him out of the contract he was tied into.

I have never said I told you so, or I knew it wouldn’t work.... I just grinned and bared it and hoped for the best. It was his mistake to make, however he recognised after 18 months that it just wasn’t going to work.

Refunds, suppliers, running costs, a market where everyone can do something slightly cheaper and with more knowledge.

He is back In his safe job that he did prior to the franchise, but he’s tried it, it didn’t work, it’s a learning kerb for him.

To be honest I think if I hadn’t had a relaxed attitude it could have ended up make or break!!

He's focusing on you getting into the business, almost to rescue him if that makes sense. Fair enough the business isn't for you - can you focus on supporting him to find a way through this. He sounds a bit overwhelmed and panicked. I'd be helping him make lists, prioritise, so that he can pick his way through this himself but with your support in that way e.g while he hasn't got any customers, a good time for him to learn the system rather than fretting about who is answering the phone (it can't be that busy?!). Be the calm, rational one and help in that way. But no, you're definitely not being U but at this stage it's about sorting out this all out whilst not finding yourself a new role at a company you didn't ever want! Good luck.

Some men can be such arse holes.

Firstly keep a calm head and very carefully think a plan through before taking any action. What screams out to me is how he has and is continuing to be so disrespectful towards you in all this and to go ahead without your blessing! This will fail for him and by the sounds of it you're the one who is going to take the brunt of it BUT only if you allow yourself to.

I agree with Fairnuff. Put plans in motion to protect yourself, your money and put as much aside in your name as you can. Don't allow this to bring you down.

Do you deserve to be treated like this?