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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice needed, honest opinions

94 replies

lilmisstoldyouso · 10/02/2020 16:14

So, here's a situation which has developed and I need some advice, well opinions really, I'll try to be brief.

Me and my DH both work demanding full time jobs. About six months ago he decided to buy into a franchise, his plan was/is to leave his current job once the business "takes off". He paid a 10k to buy the franchise and spent three weeks away from home attending training.

He has absolutely no experience in business, I mean none. And he had absolutely zero experience in the field the franchise covers.

Before he bought into the franchise I expressed my concerns "business is difficult, you have no knowledge of the product,". He simply wouldn't listen, said I was not ambitious, was scared of change and he was doing it anyway. In the end I just agreed to disagree because it was causing too many arguments.

He is now two months in, is completely overwhelmed by the legalities, tax, insurances and what not, and admitted this weekend that he can't remember how to use their computer system, so can't process any business transactions, he hasn't had any customers so this is probably a good thing, otherwise I'd dread to think what would have happened to the people's money.

He has now asked, well demanded, that I attended the training as well, so that he has someone to "support him" and someone to answer calls when he's not around.

I have explained that I never had any interest, intention, desire what so ever to run a business. I have no interest or knowledge of the product, am not a sales person, have my own job to do.

His response was "well when it takes off you'll be happy to spend to money won't you".

Because he runs the franchise from home I have no break from it. Yesterday was spent sitting on the couch for literally 10 hours doing online training for suppliers. If I so much as glanced at my phone he accused me of not being supportive and not being "there for him".

My opinion is this (Please tell me I'm wrong, I need perspective on this)

I have no interest in running a business, he knows this. I work full time in my own demanding job. I told him not to do it because I could foresee the issues it would cause. I feel like I'm being railroaded into something I want no part of. I think (privately) he's a fucking idiot for spending 10k of our money on a fucking pipe dream. The industry he's invested in is cut throat, and the commission is a pittance, by the time every man and his dog had taken their cut he will be lucky to earn 50 quid per job.

All we have done this weekend is argue. I resent him for bulldozing us into this. Sorry but I do.

Am I being unsupportive?

AIBU for not wanting to jump on board?

What would you do?

OP posts:

user1480880826 · 10/02/2020 16:42

@Butterflyflower1234 Relationships are also about making joint decisions, not about spunking £10k of your joint income despite the objections of the other party.

HelloYouTwo · 10/02/2020 16:42

Also if she gets roped in as support, to his job, when does he help her out with her job - unless this amazing franchise can support two people in full time wages, he’ll cut down his hours and expect her to be working overtime for his projects!

user1480880826 · 10/02/2020 16:43

I’m desperate to know what the franchise is. Can you tell us?

whysthepoweroff · 10/02/2020 16:45

It doesn’t matter what it is, if she wanted to share she would have.

OP, YANBU and I feel for you. In a roundabout sort of way, I feel for him, too. I did something like this a few years ago but mine was worse - an MLM

At the time, I was really unhappy at work and desperate for a get out quick. I had no customers, in fairness I didn’t promote my ‘business’ much but I did have a ‘shop’ on FB. Sigh, what an idiot!

I’d go with what Bluntness has said

midwestspring · 10/02/2020 16:47

It is important to be supportive of your other half but that doesn't mean taking on work you have been clear you have no interest in doing.
I would be clear that you remain supportive of him doing this if he wants to but you don't want to.
Suggest he contacts franchise for further IT support.

Original poster

lilmisstoldyouso · 10/02/2020 16:47

Butterflyflower

I understand what you are saying, however, nobody has made millions in this business. I've looked at the numbers, researched it, the money just isn't there. At best he would make 20k a year, and that's assuming no mistakes, complaints, refunds ect.

OP posts:

midwestspring · 10/02/2020 16:49

I would also try and have a conversation about why he started this? It is a quick fix solution for work issues? If so maybe try and talk through together other more practical long term ways for him to feel happier.

Celeriacacaca · 10/02/2020 16:50

Don't underestimate how much this can affect your marriage. I have experience of similar and was resented when it went wrong as I didn't want to be involved and couldn't be involved as I had a full-time career but some blame was laid at my feet.

Original poster

lilmisstoldyouso · 10/02/2020 16:52

Crleria

That's what I'm worried about.

OP posts:

Christmaspug · 10/02/2020 16:56

You should take ten thousand yourself and bank it In your own name if he can ,you can

Squirrelblanket · 10/02/2020 16:58

You are definitely not being unreasonable in not wanting to get involved. You were clear from the start that you didn't think it was a good idea. I would be looking for ways to support him which don't involve getting involved in the business.

I do feel for you though, my husband took on his first management role last summer and he's found it very difficult and overwhelming at times. He regularly spends evenings and weekends doing work and he's been quite unhappy at times, the part of your post where you mention you feel it's all you ever talk about rings very true for me. Also, feeling guilty when I just want to chill out on an evening or weekend from my own busy, full time role. It's so hard isn't it.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 10/02/2020 17:01

I think this is really unfair of him. If you have joint finances, unless you're rolling in cash, its shit to go ahead with a 10k purchase without the other person being on board. It's also shit to then accuse them of not being supportive of something they didn't want to do in the first place.

I'd put in a load of extra work to help the family finances if my husband was ill, or made redundant, or I'd agreed to support him starting a business as I could see that it was a short term thing and would eventually make him and us a load of money. I wouldnt support him in making a bad choice where hed made that choice despite me listing my reasoned, researched, misgivings. It might be different if you were not working and wanting to live off his money and business without contributing, but it's really unfair to expect you to be involved when you work full time and he knew your views. I really think you need to bottom out what he expects of you, and what you're prepared to give, through counselling if necessary, before this breaks you. You also need to fully concentrate on your own job incase you split up or he loses loads of money.

flouncyfanny · 10/02/2020 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pigsDOfly · 10/02/2020 17:09

Can you actually just jump in as do the training, as he wants, if you're not the franchisee?

Not that I'm suggesting you should do the training OP.

It sounds very much as if he's realised that he's thrown £10,000 away, hasn't the first idea how to run the business and is panicking.

He's probably feeling stupid and angry with himself and doesn't know how to make it better, which is why he's wants you to step in and rescue him and is getting angry with you, and even more panicked when you refuse. And even worse, he knows you were right.

This has been a very expensive mistake and lesson for him.

You can't dig him out of this hole, and there's no reason why you should.

It's a financial loss that you both have to swallow unfortunately. He needs to accept that the money's gone and a line has to be drawn under this enterprise. And you need to have that conversation before it causes permanent harm to your marriage.

Original poster

lilmisstoldyouso · 10/02/2020 17:09

This is so hard. I can see he's struggling, I know he want to make a go of it but jesus christ, he's gotten involved in something that's way over his head. And mine. One person not knowing what their doing is bad enough, but two people . . .

OP posts:

Daftodil · 10/02/2020 17:13

This sounds horrible. Your DH is being selfish and as PPs have said, he is looking for ways to blame you if/when it all goes wrong.

He has now asked, well demanded, that I attended the training as well, so that he has someone to "support him" and someone to answer calls when he's not around.

He should've thought about this beforehand. I imagine that as it all seems a bit overwhelming for him, the amount of time he won't be around to answer calls will increase and you will be expected to pick up the slack.

Bihye · 10/02/2020 17:14

Yeah, that comment really got to me, I would never say something like that to him.

If he's not normally like that, and the comment really was a one-off, I'd put it down to stress. But I definitely wouldn't be sympathetic to getting involved.

It sounds like he's ignored your advice, your opinion and your common sense from the beginning so again I'd leave him to it. This is his mistake to make.

Let him realise he's in way over his head, he won't listen to you if you try to tell him.

Bloody frustrating for you, YANBU at all.

Bluntness100 · 10/02/2020 17:16

The suggestions to tell him to get on with it, are all well and good, but she's married to him.she wishes to remain so at this stage, and they are both fucking miserable.

He's made a huge mistake. But he's made it now.

Op if you're not formally involved in the business you don't need to tell your employer, you can definitely do some work to support him without informing, as long as your name isn't on anything there is no way for them to know unless they spy on you.

The thing is it's not going to go away. Really the only way to make it better is for you to help, he's in a tailspin. If you don't it's only going to get worse.

Is he an idiot, oh yes, he really is. But you digging your heels in and refusing to help him as it's his mess, isn't going to make it better. You helping might.

It's shit, but there it is.

stormciarathegale · 10/02/2020 17:17

You're a bigger person than I am! He used 10 grand of family money for this shit? I wouldn't have agreed to that at all. Now he wants to use you as a secretary. NOPE! You don't have time and you're not allowed to by your work contract. The end. Repeat, repeat, repeat. 'You're never there for me/support me in this,' '10 grand is plenty of support, dear.' 'You'll be happy to spend the money.' 'Nah, I'm good, I have my own career and money, thanks.' And just carry on. Would just tell him point blank, again, I'm not doing the training, I have no interest in running a business, I don't have time and I don't want to compromise my job for this.' Over and over.

stormciarathegale · 10/02/2020 17:19

You don't have time. You have no inclination. He needs to accept the consequences of his action, losing 10k is bad enough.

stormciarathegale · 10/02/2020 17:20

I think 'helping' him will just make you even more resentful because you're doing something with your free time that you don't want to do because you're being manipulated. Fuck that.

Batshittery · 10/02/2020 17:22

YANBU. I might try and support him at home with admin stuff, but I wouldn't go on the course. My job is important to me and his project wouldn't trump that, especially when you told him from the outset that you weren't interested. I feel for you OP.

stormciarathegale · 10/02/2020 17:25

You start playing the receptionist/secretary and soon enough, you'll find the donkey work transferred to you. Personally, I hate taking calls. HATE it. So much that I built my work around avoid traditional 'customer service' after doing it for a couple of years. Wild horses could not induce me to do it again. By support he wants you to do part of the job, 'answering calls when he's not around' and the like. Best to make it clear you're not going right now.

BlueHarry · 10/02/2020 17:28

If I had half an idea about the product I might give it a try if I had the time, but I don't have time. And also my work contract doesn't allow me to do any other business without my employers approval. I would have to submit a business proposal to HR, go for an interview, explain myself to senior managers. First person would be my own manager, and we don't exactly get along the best anyway.

That sounds like a lot of hassle but either way I don't think you need to justify yourself any further. You expressed concern from the off, you have never been interested and this as always been his project. Getting involved would be an inconvenience to you, and yes it's nice to help your partner but it doesn't sound like he's been respectful in how he has asked for help. It comes across to me like, he's got into a mess, and is shouting at you for not clearing it up after him rather than making a proper effort to clean up after himself. Sense of entitlement or something? I don't know. I think his initial mistake of buying into a franchise he doesn't have the experience to manage is the lesser of the two problems, it sounds more like it's his attitude/ behaviour since that is the main problem.

Chamomileteaplease · 10/02/2020 17:28

Sounds like you are seeing a side to him you hadn't realised was there.

Can you imagine working with him? It would just be a disaster.

He has made his bed....

I think you need to reiterate that you voiced your concerns before he even started and you really do not want to get involved.

And then keep a wide berth!

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