Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell my former best friend I’m pregnant

67 replies

hmfair54 · 10/02/2020 13:10

Hello everyone, bit of a ranty one I’m afraid, but basically the title says it all.

To add a bit of back story, me and this girl have been friends for about 11 years (I’m coming up 22 now). Naturally, as we’ve got older and got partners/financial/work commitments we’ve drifted a little, which I think can be expected.

Through college and beyond we were in a close friendship group of 4 and we all did everything together (festivals, nights out etc.) but a few months ago following a nasty series of arguments, the group split in two, with my “best friend” taking the side of the girl who was painting me as a liar, fake, and b*tchy. Anyone who knows me would know I’m not like this at all, and part of me expected her to defend me since she was the person who knew me best out of all of them.

Back to now, I’m nearly 12 weeks pregnant with my first and I’m struggling with whether or not to tell her face to face to be nice or just let her find out with the rest of Facebook. Tbh I would rather not be in the same room as her after the things that were said but I know that if we ever reconciled in the future, then she would hold it against me if I didn’t tell her in person.

I know this all probably comes across as a bit childish but I’m in a real dilemma about it, any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
Original poster
hmfair54 · 10/02/2020 13:11

Also, I should probably add that she would likely not take the news in the way you’d imagine a friend of 11 years would. When I bought a house with my partner at the start of last year, she didn’t congratulate me once - no card or even a message, and has never asked me how it’s going or whether she could pop round to see it etc. I imagine her reaction to this news will be more of the same.

OP posts:
NoMorePoliticsPlease · 10/02/2020 13:13

Yes it is childish. As is announcing a pregnancy on Facebook. She is either your friend or she is not. This sounds like a school girl spat. You are only 12 weeks so plenty of time

Lazydaisydaydream · 10/02/2020 13:13

don't tell her. Don't waste any energy thinking about her. Not sure why you think there would be a friendship in the future when she's treated you like this?!

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 10/02/2020 13:14

Why should she congratulate you for moving in with a boyfriend? Not exactly an achievement

sirmione16 · 10/02/2020 13:14

This is a non issue. You're not on good terms, why would you tell her?

SmellyBeard · 10/02/2020 13:14

I think it depends what outcome you would like for your friendship. If you are ready to move on and leave the friendship behind you then I would just let her find out. If you hope to eventually reconcile then I would tell send her a simple text to tell her. I wouldn't tell her just because she'll 'never forgive you', I would work out what I wanted and act accordingly.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 10/02/2020 13:16

I have never got a friend a card for moving into a house ConfusedHonestly OP it sounds like an intense dynamic - she's a friend (or was) not your partner you don't need to tell her face to face

Roozy123 · 10/02/2020 13:18

I feel like you've answered your own question??

User12879923378 · 10/02/2020 13:18

Normal people would congratulate a close friend on moving in with someone they'd been seeing for a while, wouldn't they? I mean I think most of us understand that congratulations are to show people we're fond of that we're happy that something nice is happening for them Grin

CakeandCustard28 · 10/02/2020 13:20

You aren’t friends with her anymore? Why would you tell her? Hmm

User12879923378 · 10/02/2020 13:21

I think the world is very much divided into people who do cards and expect cards, and people who don't and don't. I was in the latter camp until this year when all of my cards arrived after my birthday and I realised that actually it is quite nice to get cards on your birthday. I'm going to remember other people's cards from now on Blush

PrinnyPree · 10/02/2020 13:21

This does feel a bit teenage, the fact she would hold it against you if you didn't tell her face to face even though you are currently "not friends" makes me think you are best without this person in your life at all. You can't be having people in your life that you are falling out with like its school all over again. Just move on and don't give them another thought.

CruCru · 10/02/2020 13:24

I think the first thing to do is decide if you actually want this person back as your friend. It sounds as though you don’t but that you also want to avoid drama with her.

I would just let her find out on FB. Making a point of telling her face to face allows her to think that drama is okay. Don’t reward her for being horrible. If she kicks off about not being told separately, be bright and breezy - say that you haven’t seen that much of each other and didn’t think it would be a big deal to her.

KaptenKrusty · 10/02/2020 13:29

similar situation with a friend of mine - have now not spoken to her in almost a year - doubt we will reconcile tbh!

I am about to buy my first house, she won't be getting told by me about it - i've blocked her on social media as i don't want to see what she is up to and don't feel the need for her to know what I am up to!

When I hopefully get pregnant soon I will also definitely not be telling her (or putting anything on social media)

I'd move on and forget about her if I were you!

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 10/02/2020 13:35

You're 22, the age where an awful lot of childhood friendships hit the dirt. She's decided that she'd rather be friends with other people which is her prerogative.
Although being pregnant is lovely for you, it doesn't mean as much to other people and if she's made the decision to remove you from her friendship circle then I doubt telling her you're pregnant will matter much to her either way.

Original poster
hmfair54 · 10/02/2020 13:36

With regards to the card thing, I'm basing my opinion on what I would have done for her and what other friends/work colleagues who were not as close did when we moved in. It's the principle. Just a message would've been fine, I'm not caught up about a bit of paper that would go in the recycling a few weeks later.

Also not sure why announcing a pregnancy on social media is childish??

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 10/02/2020 13:37

If you are no longer friends then there is no need to tell her anything.

Strangerthingshere · 10/02/2020 13:39

Not sure why no more politics is being so picky, lots of people announce news on facebook (after telling family and close friends) and I would absolutely expect a friend to congratulate me on getting a new home, send flowers, etc Confused

I think it's simple, you aren't friends at the moment so I wouldn't tell her. If you ever reconcile it's nothing to hold against you, you simply had fallen out at that point. Congratulations on your news

lostinadream · 10/02/2020 13:41

Gah don’t announce your pregnancy on Facebook and also don’t tell her at all.

Just concentrate on yourself and maybe grow up a bit

Thehop · 10/02/2020 13:44

Why are you friends on Facebook but not in real life?

Delete block and move on with your life

february08baby · 10/02/2020 13:45

dont tell her. clearly you are drifting apart. It happens. Some people are more mature than others at 22. I certainly wasn't ready to move in with my BF or have a child at that age.

anendhasastart · 10/02/2020 13:46

I could have written this. The girl in the friendship who I thought was my good friend didn't stand and up for me or be supportive and since then hasn't so I just don't speak to her. You need to make a decision about wether you want to terminate the friendship completely. Then if doesn't matter what you do. I'm pregnant and I just don't care how she finds out.

gamerwidow · 10/02/2020 13:52

If you're not friends with her to the extent that you don't want to be in the same room as her why on earth are you still connected on FB.
It's fine not to tell her about the pregnancy if you're not friends. If you reconcile and she holds it against you that's her problem.

NotStayingIn · 10/02/2020 13:52

I would just send her a text.

OscarWildesCat · 10/02/2020 13:54

Why would you feel you need to tell her face to face if you have fallen out?. Non-issue.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.