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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell my former best friend I’m pregnant

67 replies

hmfair54 · 10/02/2020 13:10

Hello everyone, bit of a ranty one I’m afraid, but basically the title says it all.

To add a bit of back story, me and this girl have been friends for about 11 years (I’m coming up 22 now). Naturally, as we’ve got older and got partners/financial/work commitments we’ve drifted a little, which I think can be expected.

Through college and beyond we were in a close friendship group of 4 and we all did everything together (festivals, nights out etc.) but a few months ago following a nasty series of arguments, the group split in two, with my “best friend” taking the side of the girl who was painting me as a liar, fake, and b*tchy. Anyone who knows me would know I’m not like this at all, and part of me expected her to defend me since she was the person who knew me best out of all of them.

Back to now, I’m nearly 12 weeks pregnant with my first and I’m struggling with whether or not to tell her face to face to be nice or just let her find out with the rest of Facebook. Tbh I would rather not be in the same room as her after the things that were said but I know that if we ever reconciled in the future, then she would hold it against me if I didn’t tell her in person.

I know this all probably comes across as a bit childish but I’m in a real dilemma about it, any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:

PersephoneandHades · 10/02/2020 13:58

As PP have said, do you want her as a friend after the argument? If you do then tell her, if you don't then don't.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/02/2020 13:58

Why should she congratulate you for moving in with a boyfriend? Not exactly an achievement do you never congratulate friends when something nice and important to them happens?

OP don't tell her. She isn't a friend.

JingsMahBucket · 10/02/2020 14:04

Announcing a pregnancy on FB isn’t childish FFS. It’s usually the quickest way to notify tons of people. Just because you hate social media or are uptight doesn’t mean other people have to conform to your biases.

Drum2018 · 10/02/2020 14:06

You're no longer friends. I wouldn't make any effort to tell her at all.

Clangus00 · 10/02/2020 14:09

Why is she still on your Facebook?

Vanhi · 10/02/2020 14:10

Anyone who knows me would know I’m not like this at all, and part of me expected her to defend me since she was the person who knew me best out of all of them.

Well, at least 2 people who actually know you do seem to think you're like this. It all seems very weird and unpleasant. I'd probably not tell her in person. If she complains at some point, just tell her you weren't sure what to say because things were/ are odd between you.

Letsallscreamatthesistene · 10/02/2020 14:12

Tbh I would rather not be in the same room as her

This answers your question, no? Also, tbh when you've had the child you'll probably drift apart further

IWantThatName · 10/02/2020 14:14

If you wish to put on FB that you're pregnant, then do so. I'm sure lots of people do that. To be honest, she's irrelevant in this decision.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 10/02/2020 14:15

If your not speaking at the moment, why would you tell her?

lowlandLucky · 10/02/2020 14:15

Honey, she is really not that in to you ! She may have seen you as a friend but never a best friend. Find better people to fill your life with. Let her go

Wolfiefan · 10/02/2020 14:18

You don’t want to be in the same room as her? Delete her off your social media and don’t bother telling her you’re pregnant. You’re clearly not friends anymore.

NotALurker2 · 10/02/2020 14:18

No friendship in the future can replace a childhood friendship that bridges your tween, teen and young adult years. I can understand why this is important to you. However, if you were to rekindle a friendship in the future, she would have to apologize to you and offer an explanation. Friends have your back. Friends don't side with those who are against you. As it stands, she's not your friend, and that's because of her behavior, not yours.

I admire you for keeping the door open to a reconciliation in the future. However, it would be on her to initiate that, not you. I wouldn't use your pregnancy as leverage. For now, put this friendship on the back burner and forget about it. Some day in the distant future, things may change. It sounds like you have a lot going for you. Good luck with your pregnancy and your new house and adult life.

redcarbluecar · 10/02/2020 14:25

You haven’t made her sound like someone worth being friends with, but you know the relationship best. I think you may be investing too much thought into it though. If you really don’t want her to find out on FB with everyone else, could you drop her a casual text at around the same time? Sounds like you may not get a reply, but at least the base is covered.

whitesoxx · 10/02/2020 14:25

Why would you tell someone you're no longer friends with? Wouldn't care if you never see them again...delete from Facebook and move on!

Bibidy · 10/02/2020 14:34

Why would you tell her face to face if you're not even speaking?

Let her find out with everyone else.

crosspelican · 10/02/2020 14:36

Firstly, why are you 21 and on FB? I'm 41 and even I know it's deeply uncool for anybody under, well, 50. Secondly, why are you still friends with this woman on social media at all? You don't like each other!

If you're on FB to stay in touch with older relatives or similar, then just delete the people who don't need to be there - that's what Insta is for, surely.

And you 100% only want to tell her off FB to stir. You're not "struggling" with it, you just want to rile stuff up again.

Leave it.

Tell people you're pregnant when you see them.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 10/02/2020 14:38

The whole things sounds somewhat teenage
Which is worrying given that you are about to become a parent

Vanhi · 10/02/2020 14:47

Firstly, why are you 21 and on FB? I'm 41 and even I know it's deeply uncool for anybody under, well, 50.

Really? I'm under 50 and I'm on there. I must tell my even younger friends that we're all very uncool and shouldn't be on there. Oh, no, hang on. I don't give a shit and neither do they.

Lindy2 · 10/02/2020 14:47

Honestly it all sounds very juvenile.

You are going to be a mum now so really you need to move on from all this stuff and be the adult.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. If you are planning to announce it in Facebook just go ahead and do it. You may or may not get a response from her. It doesn't matter either way.

Tombliwho · 10/02/2020 14:59

Firstly, why are you 21 and on FB? I'm 41 and even I know it's deeply uncool for anybody under, well, 50.
Cringe. I'm 29 and the only people I have older than 50 on it are my parents and a couple of aunts. Please don't try to do the hip and 'too cool' thing to talk down to people. It backfired for you..

OP you're overthinking this. You're not really friends anymore. Crack on and announce however you were going to.

Original poster

hmfair54 · 10/02/2020 15:07

CrossPelican - I've bitten my tongue over a lot of comments on this thread but find yours probably the most patronising and unhelpful. I do not want to stir anything and am not doing this to cause further drama. The only reason I would tell her face to face is to prevent any further drama which when my child is born, I'm sure I won't have the time for. In case you missed it, she has been my friend for 11 years, so actually I am struggling with it. There's no need to be so rude.

OP posts:

JingsMahBucket · 10/02/2020 15:14

@crosspelican this ain’t it. Really.

CruCru · 10/02/2020 15:30

All the people telling the OP that she should grow up are being a bit unhelpful. She is 22, she isn’t going to write the way a 42 year old would.

Heismyopendoor · 10/02/2020 15:32

Delete her from Facebook and don’t mention to her.

Excited101 · 10/02/2020 15:36

You’re not friends anymore, just out it on fb, she can find it out there.

I’m 33, and I use fb a lot. I have friends from early 20s up to 50/60s who use it a lot too. It doesn’t mean anything, some people do, some people dont. It’s not an elaborate lifestyle choice for the planet how or what you do on the internet.

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