To not tell my former best friend I’m pregnant

[hmfair54]

Hello everyone, bit of a ranty one I’m afraid, but basically the title says it all.

To add a bit of back story, me and this girl have been friends for about 11 years (I’m coming up 22 now). Naturally, as we’ve got older and got partners/financial/work commitments we’ve drifted a little, which I think can be expected.

Through college and beyond we were in a close friendship group of 4 and we all did everything together (festivals, nights out etc.) but a few months ago following a nasty series of arguments, the group split in two, with my “best friend” taking the side of the girl who was painting me as a liar, fake, and b*tchy. Anyone who knows me would know I’m not like this at all, and part of me expected her to defend me since she was the person who knew me best out of all of them.

Back to now, I’m nearly 12 weeks pregnant with my first and I’m struggling with whether or not to tell her face to face to be nice or just let her find out with the rest of Facebook. Tbh I would rather not be in the same room as her after the things that were said but I know that if we ever reconciled in the future, then she would hold it against me if I didn’t tell her in person.

I know this all probably comes across as a bit childish but I’m in a real dilemma about it, any advice would be appreciated

Just re your update OP; I think you're letting this get you anxious when it doesn't need to. She's the one who's removed herself from your friendship. You don't owe her the right to any knowledge and she doesn't have the right to cause any drama if you don't tell her.
Concentrate on the people who matter.

@hmfair54
Sorry, but I agree with others. This 'dilema' is very immature. You'll probably cringe a bit in a few years thinking about it, I know I do when I remember such silly dramas from that age. Just delete her from Facebook, the friendship is over and it's just not worth it for one more 'congratulations'. Hell, she might not be interested at all at your age in pregnancy and friends having babies, which is fair enough but you may find more hurtful.

As for this comment:

Firstly, why are you 21 and on FB? I'm 41 and even I know it's deeply uncool for anybody under, well, 50.

Mate, the only people (young or old) who aren't on Facebook these days are the ones who think it's super cool to say they're not on it (bar those who have genuine reasons to keep off social media). It would hardly be one of the largest SM platforms in the world if it only had your Gran writing in caps, or your Uncle Ron and his endless pictures of old motor cars and grandchildren.

I wouldn't tell her, not from how you've described her behaviour. I wouldn't class her as a friend & wouldn't want her as a friend in future.

If she couldn't be happy for you when you bought your first house, do you think it'll be any different when you tell her about the pregnancy.

It sounds like she's not ever happy for you, but is happy for you to be slagged off by another friend. Tbh she's not really a friend, so regardless if you do or don't tell her, she's not worth your time or worry.

I didn’t tell my ex best friend I was pregnant. I didn’t post it on Facebook although my mum did.

It didn’t occur to me to tell her. She’s not my friend

Personally I think buying a house, especially in this current situation of the UK (assuming you're in the UK) would warrant at least a congratulations from a close fri, very strang people on here saying it's not an achievement probably jealousy. I wouldn't bother telling her though.

Close friend *

You’re not friends anymore so why is this even an issue? Just announce on FB if that’s what you want to do and leave it at that.

Also nobody really sends new house cards in this day and age so that’s hardly a shocking thing...

Also not sure why announcing a pregnancy on social media is childish??

It is

Also - just delete her from FB and then 'announce it' if thats really how you really want to tell random strangers the world surely?

@loobyloo1234 really don't know why I'm still bothering to try and justify myself on this thread. I don't have 'random strangers' on Facebook, only people I'm close to including ex-work colleagues and any friends/family who don't live in my area that I don't have numbers for. If I post it will only be as an FYI to those I haven't been able to tell in person/over the phone. If you feel that Facebook is childish then good for you, but I think you missed the point of my post.

@hmfair54 don’t bother trying to justify yourself to the condescending misery guts. They’ll only drag down your young spirit. Focus on the folks giving you actual advice. :)

MN often has an collective attitude that public announcements re pregnancy on FB are something to be looked down on. Just ignore those comments - it's irrelevant to what you're asking.

OP it is really hurtful to be treated badly by someone who is supposed to be a good friend. When you say you feel you need to tell her to prevent further drama - what kind of drama are you imagining might happen? Are you worried she will turn others against you?

You are no longer friends with her. You have nothing to with each other now therefore your pregnancy has nothing to do with her. You live your life and do your own thing and if in the future you do reconcile then great but she absolutely should not hold it against you - she isn’t part of your life now.

I could’ve written the same thing, last year I fell out with a best friend of the best part of 20 years over a feud that never got resolved, malicious allegations and bunny boiling with my fiancé behind my back (very long story). I’m still grieving and contemplating trying to bury the hatchet especially as we are both now parents to babies and in the aftermath of me becoming a parent she tried to get back into mine and my fiancé’s good books by saying congratulations (our OHs are friends on FB).
There’s really nothing to be gained by telling this friend if you don’t wish to be friends with her after the argument.

Trouble is, if you tell her directly about the pregnancy and she reacts in the same way she did about your house(which is entirely possible), it's likely to make you feel worse.

I'd not tell her and announce in fb as you were planning to do

Why should she congratulate you for moving in with a boyfriend? Not exactly an achievement
OP purchased her first home, Congrats on your new home and pregnancy OP.
Don't tell her, forget the friendship it is dead.

It depends how you see your friendship progressing, if it can be repaired etC

If it was me, I’d personally just let her find out via Facebook. I know some people don’t like it but it’s a quick and easy way to let multiple people know at once that you might not see regularly/go out of the way to tell specifically.

Maybe she’ll get in contact to say congrats and you can take it from there? Or she won’t and you’ll have your answer r.e friendship

Alternatively if you think it’s salvageable, tell her face to face but more as an olive branch to rebuild the friendship

Only you know which is the right route for you