There's always one annoying fucker...

[SaltedPretzel]

....who has to comment on what you're having for lunch!!

Work in an office full of blokes which is fine but one of them annoys the living crap out of me. He's quite a snob anyway and I'm not fond of him but he has the most annoying habit of always commenting on my lunch.

Today is spag bol - "bloody hell! That's a plate full, you're never gonna eat all that are you?"
Last week - "That's a box of salad!!" It was a fucking Tupperware box.
And so forth.

He regularly comments on the cleaner's weigh too when she has left. Bear in mind she has three young children and is at most is a size 14. Not that it's anyone else's business what size she is.

AIBU to get aggravated at this guy? Anyone else have to suffer with people like this?

YANBU. I have a colleague who frequently comments on my appearance (particularly when I’ve made an extra effort for external meetings). Anyone got any comebacks I can use? Would it be unacceptable to comment on his bald patch?

You need to do this with as much ‘kindness’ and ‘concern’ as you can muster.

Brian, you’re always very interested in how I, as a woman, present myself. You know society has moved on and you can wear whatever you want. There are even laws in place to protect you and I’m sure HR would be very supportive.

Haha thank you @messolini9 and a@T0tallyfuckedup

I found that when I answered back I was accused of being ‘aggressive’ so have stopped challenging this, but I think I need to borrow some of these

I found that when I answered back I was accused of being ‘aggressive’

Ah, the old DARVO gambit - Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender.
Much beloved by coercive controllers, Cluster-B disordered abusers, & random Brians seeking to undermine you in the office.

"How was my response "aggressive", Brian? Please explain how you can deem your persistent & unwelcome remarks on my appearance appropriate, yet simultaneously claim that I have no right to object to them? Would you like to discuss this again with Megan from HR?"

Obvs. it would be better for you if you already know that Megan from HR is going to be on Team High. But I've found that creeps like Brian will escalate unless they are shut down, & sometimes it pays to go nuclear.

If nuclear is not an option:
"I've noticed that you like to comment on my appearance Brian. But never on Malcolm's, or Pete's, or Adrian's. Why is that, do you think ...?"
& hold the eye contact until he withers.

Or High could you print off an article about cross dressing and next time he mentions your appearance put on a kindly smile and say “Look Brian, I’ve noticed you seem very interested in women’s clothing/make-up. It’s really nothing to be embarrassed about these days - here read this” - then hand him the article and walk away.

Ugh these ppl annoy me, I had it when I was heavily pregnant, we started at 6 am, I left the house at 5 i didn't eat before, I would have a porridge pot thing, and this one girl would be like ooh eating already? (wtf yes it's called breakfast) then later I'd have a banana and it was "eating again" so weird. Just constantly!!! Anyway I thought she was a right bore and dull as dish water, wish I had said something to her.

While pregnant a bloke in my office continually told me what I should and shouldn't eat. For example I'd be sat in the staff room eating a jacket potato with beans and he'd wince etc until someone asked him what was wrong, then he'd say oh you should eat healthy for baby. I never ate anything horrendous. At 34 weeks I threw up daily and had low blood sugars. After a 12 hour shift he saw me drinking a can of coke (maybe not the healthiest but all I had kept down that day and stopped me feeling faint) and he commented that he couldn't understand how I'd feed my baby that crap etc. I was about to reply when another woman told him to shut up and come back when he had a growing 8lb baby inside of him.

God bless his poor currently pregnant wife.

@messolini9 - pleasure!

@Highonpotandused
Just vary it - was it a tough interview to get into the fashion police, Brian? Hmm, I don't think much of the uniform!

Thank you @messolini9 and @ShesGotBetteDavisEyes
I’m definitely going to try the suggested non-nuclear options for now!

“Keith, do you fancy me? You’re always way more interested in my diet/outfit/hairdo than anyone else I know. For the record, I’m a happily married woman and have no interest in an office fling.”

He sounds horrendous. Is he quite insecure?

Just smile sweetly and get him to repeat the comment next time and then ask why he always comments on your lunch anyway? If he's interested in food so much why doesn't he comment on male colleagues lunches etc. He's a bully and he likes to belittle women esp around food and size.

Does he not have enough money to buy his own? Does he secretly wish he had spag Bol? Does he comment before or after he's had lunch? What sort of things does he eat? He sounds like a right tosser.

@SaltedPretzel

I echo what the other posters are saying 'ask him flat out why he keeps commenting on your food!'

Don't expect him to stop though. Some people are so thick and arrogant and obtuse, that even when confronted with their (shitty) behaviour, they don't change it.

YANBU at ALL. I hate it with a PASSION when people mention what I am eating. I get co-workers doing it occasionally, and even random strangers when I am eating a banana on a park bench! DH does it too sometimes. Not maliciously at all, and maybe just making conversation, but it irksome. Especially as I have suffered from an eating disorder my whole life, so I am conscious of people watching me eat. (and I am expecting a comment!)

DH doesn't say things TOO often, but when he does, he will (for example) say (when I come into the lounge with a bag of wotsits,) 'you like your wotsits dontcha?' with a sly squinty-eyed look. Or 'another custard cream!' when I have had 2 and gone back for one more. I just sigh and try and enjoy eating them.

He got annoying a while back, commenting on everything I ate, because he was on a very strict diet. Liquid and fruit only. It got to the point where I was taking a kitkat or pack of quavers or wotsits and going into the garage to eat it, or going for a walk and eating it, because I got sick of the comments.

Also comments from people like 'you'll get fat eating that,' and 'how many maltesers can one girl eat?' pisses me off. Fuck off commenting about my food and my eating.

I went for a meal out with 3 colleagues a few years ago, and one of them (who seemed to be on a diet 90% of her life, and had a salad for her main meal,) commented on my meal ELEVEN times when I was eating. 'Bloody hell, look at the size of that pie!' 'Where you gonna put all THAT food?' 'I can't believe you're gonna eat all that' and 'apple crumble and custard? Must be a thousand calories in that.'

Literally, a constant barrage of comments. By the 7th or 8th one, one of the other women said 'jeez Carol, you're a bit obsessed with what Poppy's eating aren't ya?' Carol said nothing, and then made 3 or 4 more comments. I rolled my eyes and said 'Carol, just get some food instead of a bowl of lettuce if you want, take your mind off what I am eating.' She said 'I could never eat as much as you.'

I never ever ever went out with my colleagues for a meal again, when SHE was going. I paid £35 for my meal out that night, and it was ruined by her commenting. Weirdly, she didn't make any comments about anyone else's meal, and I didn't have anymore than anyone else.

Bloody hell @poppyonastring
Weirdly, she didn't make any comments about anyone else's meal, and I didn't have anymore than anyone else.

Were you by any chance the youngest/slimmest/better at your job than Ms ElevenComments?
She obviously had the same motivation as the OP's office Brian - to undermine, & distort the perceived power balance in her favour.
What a toxic little troll. Glad you & your colleague spoke up

Lots of good suggestions here!

If I really couldn't stand the guy and didn't care if he knew it, I might take the easy route of rolling my eyes and sighing, every single time he made a comment on my food, with no other response, as if he hadn't even spoken. Just let him know that you find his very presence wearying.

@messolini9 Thanks for your kind post, and the flowers.

I didn't wanna say anything in case I sounded vain, but yeah, at the time I was youngish (mid 30s and the youngest of the 4 women,) slim-ish, (size 12,) and have big boobs, and am a blonde, and she was ummm a bit of a plain Jane. (Sorry to sound a bit catty, just trying to set the scene.) I got men coming to the counter chatting me up, and asking if I was married (I was!) and complimenting me. I don't think I ever saw the same happen to her.

She was 5 years older than me, but looked 12-13 years older, and had a harsh, sour look about her. I don't (and didn't think then) that I'm anything special, and am not 'model material' but I think she was a bit jealous of me, and there was some underlying resentment towards me, as she did chuck rude/sarcastic throwaway comments my way and call it 'banter.'

She made horrible, snide comments when DH bought me a cuddly toy and chocolates for Valentine's Day, asking 'a cuddly toy? Are you five?!' And when he sent some flowers to my work on my 35th birthday, she said it was pathetic and showy, and what are we trying to prove?

Yeah I am glad the other woman did say something, (at that meal out,) but it didn't stop her unfortunately.

I put some weight on several years after this, in my late 30s (about 2 stone) and she actually said to me 'I prefer you fat, you look kinder and more cuddly. You look a bit tarty when you're slim.' Yep, she really said that! I got the party poppers out when she left! Vile cow.

(I lost the 2 stone of weight by the way... a couple of years after gaining it. I gained it because I had an operation, and wasn't very mobile for 3-4 months.)

Had an ED and an abusive ex who used mealtimes as the best time ever to start ripping into me about everything, including how I ate too much, too quickly and too much like I enjoyed food.

Managed to get past it, but still don't like eating in front of anybody else - my office is secluded and doesn't have passers by calling in. Maybe once or twice in two hours would somebody employed there walk past and I'd immediately put the scrap of food I was eating into the lunchbox stashed in my desk. You know, because I don't like people seeing me eat.

'Somebody has seen you eating at your desk. It's very unprofessional to be seen eating. We've said nobody is to be seen eating. Why are you continuing to do so?'

A very hard stare.

'Well, when I actually get my full legal entitlement to a break between the 3rd and 5th hours AND my break is of the contracted duration, rather than having to argue for having fifteen minutes every single day, I won't need to eat at my desk after working for six and a half hours straight anymore, will I?'.

@poppyonastring - and had a harsh, sour look about her
Oh ha ha ha ha ha, see pic.

It's amazing what this type of person gets away with - & often its not through fear of calling them out, but the certain knowledge that any tit for tat, no matter how well-deserved & necessary, will result in them bleating, causing a fuss, or ramping up the drama in some way that makes everything about them & their precious feelings, all while trampling on yours.

Thanks goodness the sour old bitch has left now.
For future reference, should you encounter another one, simply repeating their remarks back to them in faux-puzzled astonishment tends to stop all but the most committed in their tracks.
"Did you really just say you thought I looked tarty? Debbie, Jackie - did you hear Sandra? Can you believe it?!"

& if they push back "Some things are just better thought than said Sandra. I would never, for example, call YOU a tart. What is going on with you that you feel it's an ok thing for you to do?"

Anyhoo - fuck her, & fuck the lame donkey she rode in on.

@MitziK - as ever, I am awestruck by your strength x

@Cheeryandmerry agree with you so much- that's exactly the best response. 'What do you mean?' calmly and rationally. It means people have to either say what they are really getting at (ie weight related and rude!) or pipe down. And normally they'll just pipe down because their passive aggressiveness relies on not being called out! Perfect. So bored of casual body / food shaming.

I had a female colleague do this to me. I tried to be nice but one day I was having a bad day and said ‘I didn’t know I had to share an office with the food police’. She never commented again.

With this bloke, options are:
Brian, everyday you comment on my lunch but not anyone else’s. Why is that?
Brian, you comment on my food and Cleaner’s appearance everyday. That is very sexist, do I need to go to HR and make a complaint about this?
Brian, do you have an eating disorder because you comment on my food every day?

Thanks @messolini9 That was a funny and inspiring post (and picture you attached!)

Was it a tough interview to join the food police, Brian?

Beautiful. I’d also add in ‘Why is it you think it’s ok to comment on my food, but never Jack’s or Tom’s?’ Accompanied by the classic mn hard stare, obviously. Wait for his blustering reply, then whatever he says, just go ‘Hmm, interesting. So it’s a sexist thing, is it?’ regardless of what he’s said.

Oh I hate this. I used to have an eating disorder so I'm very sensitive to these types of comments. If someone comments I put my food away straight away. I lost so much weight at my current job (managing a care service) because people are in and out all day so I never get a proper break.

Whatever I ate it would be "oh eating are you?" "Ohhhhh having a break?!" "What is that (perfectly normal food but they'd look at it like it was alien food". So I stopped eating and became very thin again.

It was only when I became pregnant that I challenged comments and said something back and they stopped. I lost weight in the pregnancy because I was so sick right up until I gave birth I had to eat what I could manage when I could manage it and that's that. Dreading the comments starting up because 4.5 months postpartum I'm a size 10 (was a size 8).

Girlmeetsbook exactly that. If I’d responded “are you saying I’m fat?” I’d have been told I was over sensitive. But she didn’t quite have the nerve to say it outright, so just made comments designed to be hurtful .

Genuinely shocked at just how many plain bloody weirdos there are out there commenting on someone else’s lunch!

You are a gentlewoman & a scholar, @Cheeryandmerry