There's always one annoying fucker...

[SaltedPretzel]

....who has to comment on what you're having for lunch!!

Work in an office full of blokes which is fine but one of them annoys the living crap out of me. He's quite a snob anyway and I'm not fond of him but he has the most annoying habit of always commenting on my lunch.

Today is spag bol - "bloody hell! That's a plate full, you're never gonna eat all that are you?"
Last week - "That's a box of salad!!" It was a fucking Tupperware box.
And so forth.

He regularly comments on the cleaner's weigh too when she has left. Bear in mind she has three young children and is at most is a size 14. Not that it's anyone else's business what size she is.

AIBU to get aggravated at this guy? Anyone else have to suffer with people like this?

Person two turns round and comments “I don’t even have a portion that big for my evening meal!!”

Withering look, slowly, up and down and then 'Really? You do surprise me'.

Next time just say “If I wanted my lunch reviewed and commented on everyday, I would open a fucking restaurant, now off you fuck!”

Or when you see him coming, say “Here comes Michel Roux (or whoever he most resembles), for the lunch review”

So annoying.

Hold his stare with a deadpan face, wait until the silence gets visibly uncomfortable. Then eat your lunch.

YANBU. I have a colleague who frequently comments on my appearance (particularly when I’ve made an extra effort for external meetings). Anyone got any comebacks I can use? Would it be unacceptable to comment on his bald patch?

This might be reaching, but maybe the media called it a mansion to extend that ‘rough trade who was asking for it’ narrative that an op referred to?

Can you set it up with another colleague to play 'annoying fucker bingo'.

'Wahoo, we have a stamp for the 'that's a big lunch' marker today, Cecil, that's always so reliable'. . .

'Wahay - the boy correctly clocked it was a salad - he just never misses a trick, does he?!'

I lost it at my food police last week. After yet another bout of having my lunch stared at, commented on (ooh you're having brown bread today, you don't usually, are you on a health kick?), I snapped and bellowed at the poor bloke 'I'm a grown ass woman and I get to decide what the fuck to have for lunch Brian, is that OK with you?'
To be fair, he snuck off and hasn't spoken to me since 😳

Next time he says, "Are you going to eat all that?" Say, "Dunno, but I plan to give it a bloody good go."

Or, get weird with him. "Are you going to eat all that?" "Yep, blow jobs give me quite the appetite."

"you always seem very interested in my lunch. Is there a reason?"

this

What about putting something revolting into an old container you can throw away afterwards. If it were me I'd get either some of that very smelly cheese, think it's something like stinking bishop (perhaps someone can enlighten me), or mealworms! Think you can get them from pet shop dead or alive. Make sure he's watching when you open container!

I get this all of the time YAWN!
I work in retail and often alone - so customers (or my pet name for these ones - CUNTOMERS) will often see me eat. I can work 14 hour shifts so that can be breakfast, some lunch and maybe more later on.

I get, and it's always men, never women!

You eating again? - that would be yes, as I find it's crucial for life mate.
'You'll get fat' (I'm a size 12) Erm no I won't but thanks so much for the concern, I'll be sure to ask your opinion if I feel I've put on a few lbs knobhead
My favourite 'You eat way too much fruit, it's not healthy' Oh do forgive me I actually hadn't realised you were a qualified dietitian/nutritionist but then again the fact that you spend almost all of the 14 hrs I'm on shift fucking with me kind of threw me off.

It's boring! I find my bitch face and stare works well. As does sometimes calling them out on it.
I'll loudly say ' ahh not this boring shit again, haven't you anything else to talk about'
I've also been known to say to the worst offender (this out of anything will out me lol)
Can you just fuck off please while maintaining eye contact. Simple and effective :)

Get a large piece of cardboard and write on it:

SILENCE PLEASE
Brian is about to pass judgement on my lunch

Hold it up so all the office can see it.

I hate this so much. I have a lovely friend who does this, all of the time. I don't know if it's because she works so hard to stay slim and has slight food envy or what (she also feels compelled to comment on people's weight) but it drives me crazy. I actually never bring food to work just because of how annoying I find it... Its so weird because she's so lovely in all other respects... Which is why I never tell her to stfu.

Haha @Nubbled that's genius. I might actually do that one day, my friend has a sense of humor so she'd laugh and carry on regardless though 😁

Contrary to popular belief, testicles are utterly delicious. I dare you to take a lunchbox-full in and eat the lot whilst looking him straight in the eye.

I can provide a supplier and a recipe...

He's doing it to create (or try to create) a power imbalance, so that you're put on the defensive. He's a jerk.

This.

OP - you need to stop "chickening out" or you will forever feel squished & resentful, also he needs putting back in his box.

PP's suggestions upthread are perfect.
Pick one, & say it every time he comments.
The same comment, every time.
He'll soon back off, because your response (delivered in a bored & dismissive monotone) will make him look like the pathetic control freak he is, in front of the other men.

Was it a tough interview to join the food police, Brian?

@Bluetrews25, this isn't the first time you have made me guffaw thank you dear heart x

I had a work colleague like that. Always only to me. "Oh my god, you're eating ALL that soup??!", would just shove her hand into my bag of Maltesers etc and say "thanks! You don't need that", other stuff like "Oh, no salad then?" And queue pointed looks to everyone who was in immediate vicinity. Also liked to say "urgh, you look disgustingly thin" (I wasn't, I was a UK 12 and short so...Noidea what the hell she was talking about)

Just say "and...?" works in most situations because the fuckers have only thought of their first comment and don't know how to continue.

@messolini9 what do you suggest I say to the man who keeps commenting on my appearance? He is sly, he doesn’t say anything bad.

YANBU. I have a colleague who frequently comments on my appearance (particularly when I’ve made an extra effort for external meetings). Anyone got any comebacks I can use? Would it be unacceptable to comment on his bald patch?

Entirely reasonable, @Highonpotandused, although you may wish to place your career ahead of the (deserved) satisfaction.

"Malcom, you seem quite obsessed with my appearance, this is the Xth comment you've made on it this week/month/(whatever). Do you feel able to focus on the work in hand now? Good, because we need to discuss XYZ project" ... & off you go.

Of course, if he makes his commentary while you are alone, go for the bald patch. "Yes Malcom, I'm wearing the blue shirt again, I can change my appearance at will you know. Unlike your hairstyle, see you later bye."

My MIL used to comment constantly on what I ate. That’s a big portion! You’re surely not going to eat all of that! Goodness me, all that fruit! Did you know you can make a sandwich without butter to save calories? Etc etc.

I finally stopped her by just looking puzzled each time and saying “what do you mean?” I’d literally fix her gaze and put her in the spotlight. She’d tie herself up in knots and I’d just persist politely with “I don’t get it. What are you trying to say?” until she eventually stopped trying.

Example:

• goodness that’s a big portion!
• what do you mean?
• well it’s a big portion of food!
• yes but what do you mean?
• it’s ....a lot to eat!
• ok but I don’t understand what you mean.
• well it’s....a big portion......you know what I mean!
• no I’m sorry, can you explain?

It’s very important that you say it very calmly and in a genuinely puzzled way. Betray no sign of being wound up or upset, just continue to calmly ask what he means. She grew to hate it and after a few times she stopped.

replace 'food police' with 'fashion police'
Was it a hard interview to join the fashion police, Brian?

@Skyrabbit congratulations on your top Brian-wrangling.
@Nubbled - genius

Or you could say, 'thanks Brian, by the way, a mate of mine was extolling his hair follicle implantations the other day, do you want me to find out who he used? Since we're swapping fashion tips. . .'