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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child Maintenance Stopping

70 replies

Willarosie · 10/02/2020 12:27

Hi, my ex husband has a well paid career and he has always paid maintenance for his children. It is a private agreement. His wife has been a full time mum to their son who is now 18 months old, I was absolutely fine when they reduced payments to us when their Son was born. I was also fine with reduced maintenance payments when but wants to go back to her career so has asked my ex husband to be a full time dad. Therefore, my ex husband said that if this happens they will no longer pay any child maintenance to our two children even though they will have a household income of over £50k. I took nothing from my ex husband - nothing of the equity in the house, nothing from his inheritance, no spousal maintenance I didn't even make a claim on his pension. I know they don't have to pay from his wife's income, but it seems very unfair. He isn't willing to contribute a penny for his children. How can this be fair?

OP posts:

Blackandgreenteas · 10/02/2020 12:30

Why didn’t you assert your right to any of those things? That seems to be where you went wrong!

Not sure if you can do anything about the maintenance now though.

Original poster

Willarosie · 10/02/2020 13:04

WE wanted a clean break. Things were amicable. That was 6 years ago and everything has been fine since. He had so much debt to pay off I wanted him to have a good life with the children and that was the best way forward. Both have a clean break, no ties until and after her retires. Think it's awful that they don't pay a penny for the children, even though they will now have a larger household income. He has confirmed today that they are doing it on purpose.

OP posts:

araiwa · 10/02/2020 13:28

Im surprised that sahd in this sitution arent more common

No income. No payment

TheTrollFairy · 10/02/2020 13:30

That’s so shit.
Is it worth contacting CMS to see if there is anything you can do?

Blackandgreenteas · 10/02/2020 13:33

They’ve confirmed they’re doing it on purpose! The lesson for others from this is never to think things are amicable and that a “gentleman’s agreement” means anything.

Still, on the plus side, he can have the kids more often if he’s not working!

Original poster

Willarosie · 10/02/2020 13:50

His contact has changed since he re-married. He used to have the kids half the school hols including overnight stays, as he is a Head Teacher and every Saturday night, plus a full weekend once a month. Contact reduced when he married his wife, contact became one day of each week of each holiday for just a few hours 9am - 3pm/4pm. HE only has them for one overnight stay a month from 5pm on the Saturday until 4pm on the Sunday. Then one Sunday a month from 10am - 3pm. His reasons is because he is a Health Teacher and has a lot of work. He also has a child with his wife and contact reduced when she went through IVF. They state they are very busy but they have been on three holidays last year and never took his two children with them, just them three. Now he isn't working, you would think he would have his children more...but found out he hasn't been working since September and not once has he had his children more. He has been on sick leave. That will reduce to half pay and he hasn't even told me this...I found out from his mum. I would have had no warning otherwise. Since he re-married he has cut off his friends, mum, brother and also reduced his contact with his children. His wife is obsessed with germs and I am asked every time it is for their contact if the children are well. His wife hasn't cut her friends or family off and now wants her career. Narcissist spring to mind?

OP posts:

Urkiddingright · 10/02/2020 13:55

What sort of shit parent gives up their career to raise one of their children but in turn stops providing for their other child? How horrible for your child especially given he has reduced contact since he met his wife too.

Sadly this is all too common though, men going off and finding new replacement families. Just horrible.

thequeenoftarts · 10/02/2020 13:56

Well since he is at home all that time he can take his other children free of charge so you can work full time to support them. Perfect solution to you not getting maintenance, haha. That might change their minds

Wattagoose90 · 10/02/2020 13:56

He's a horrible person.

Your poor kids :(

Blackandgreenteas · 10/02/2020 14:01

What an awful man!

Drum2018 · 10/02/2020 14:03

Now that he'll be at home full time he will be able to step up the access. I'd tell him that it's fine to cut maintenance payments but he now needs to have the kids to stay with him 50/50 both to compensate for lack of maintenance and also to build a decent relationship with them. He sounds like a right prick.

Original poster

Willarosie · 10/02/2020 14:03

Unfortunately, when I have tried to reason with him, he says I don't need to understand this is the way things will be until the children are adults. My children don't want to see him. They don't like either of them. They do feel sorry for their dad though, as they are scared of their step mum and thinks their dad is too

OP posts:

PettyContractor · 10/02/2020 14:06

I agree with letting him have the children much more, say 50%. If he's the only SAHP among his children's three parents, it's obvious he should spend the most time looking after them.

Bythebeach · 10/02/2020 14:08

OP what he is doing is morally indefensible but there’s no legal redress. My ex has just done the same - stopped working to be a full time dad to his kids with his wife while she works full time - hence cessation of payments for his first born child. I’m fortunate in that I’m in a financially reasonably robust situation. His decision to stop work and payments is just the latest in a series of decisions that have made it clear over the last decade that his eldest son is not his priority. He has omitted payments over previous years and paid under the CMS requirement for some of the years he has paid. He also diminished contact as the years went by and seemed to want my son to make all the effort! He has made it abundantly clear he doesn’t view my eldest as on a par with his wife and subsequent kids. His loss - after all my son’s loss is just that of a morally reprehensible, parentally irresponsible twat - and who needs a father like that!

YgritteSnow · 10/02/2020 14:10

There's no way whatsoever I would be sending my children to this man and his awful wife any more than I absolutely was forced to. Are people who are suggesting this not reading the thread?

stormciarathegale · 10/02/2020 14:14

If your kids don't want to see him, then I'd respect that. Your ex is a cunt.

Bythebeach · 10/02/2020 14:14

Oh and my eldest’s dad has had neither the courtesy nor sense of responsibility to inform me he was stopping all payments. I’m not sure what he’d say if I just stopped all practical and financial care for our son with no notice! Cowardly and pathetic. I’m not sure how he would ever defend his behaviour if publicly known!

Chloemol · 10/02/2020 14:15

Can’t you go back and see a solicitor and see if you can now claim on pension etc?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/02/2020 14:18

Go back to a solictor, see what they say.

wink1970 · 10/02/2020 14:20

If you're in contact with his Mum, perhaps you can try shaming him through his family? Other than that, withdraw DC contact and try to get on with life, it's his loss.

ADJ1151 · 10/02/2020 14:20

Oh wow. What a horrid position to be in. Firstly I don’t agree that they had to start paying less when their child come along. If he has a well paid career like you said then he shouldn’t have reduced the amount he pays. Complete rubbish.

He sounds like an awful man. Sounds like him and his new woman are doing this on purpose so they don’t have to pay.

If your children don’t want to see their dad, don’t send them. Children are actually very good at deciding whether it’s worthwhile seeing their other parent or not. I’ve had similar so with DS. Now he’s getting older he is realising what a let down his dad is.

Clearly their dad doesn’t give a damn nor does his wife and just their child to be supported. If they really cared neither him or her would do this. Also she met a man who has children so she’s just as guilty in this than him.

Better off without!

Blackandgreenteas · 10/02/2020 14:21

When I suggested about him having the kids more it was a. Before you’d commented that they dislike being there, and b. Slightly tongue in cheek.

My exh lost his job (although he was on full pay) and thought he could “just” have them 50:50 til he got a new job, despite them not wanting to go there. My boss was brilliant and helped me to arrange my hours so that he didn’t have a good argument. He’s behaving ok at the moment, but was actually in a shit place mentally when he didn’t have a job, so it wouldn’t have been good.

TeaLibrary · 10/02/2020 14:21

Your poor children. He sounds like a horrible man and his wife sounds as bad. Does a cms claim need to come from him or can it be claimed from their household income. I wouldn't force your children to go anywhere this man or his wife. Can you cut off all contact with him. Doesnt sound as though he is at all bothered about maintaining contact. You need to protect your kids from exposure to either your ex or his wife.

Blackandgreenteas · 10/02/2020 14:22

I agree with going back to a solicitor in case there’s some sort of variation to the divorce settlement you can get.

Lifeisabeach09 · 10/02/2020 14:24

What is wrong with these men?! Do they feel no love and responsibility towards their children?
That's really shit, OP.
He is an asshole!

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