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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Child Maintenance Stopping

70 replies

Willarosie · 10/02/2020 12:27

Hi, my ex husband has a well paid career and he has always paid maintenance for his children. It is a private agreement. His wife has been a full time mum to their son who is now 18 months old, I was absolutely fine when they reduced payments to us when their Son was born. I was also fine with reduced maintenance payments when but wants to go back to her career so has asked my ex husband to be a full time dad. Therefore, my ex husband said that if this happens they will no longer pay any child maintenance to our two children even though they will have a household income of over £50k. I took nothing from my ex husband - nothing of the equity in the house, nothing from his inheritance, no spousal maintenance I didn't even make a claim on his pension. I know they don't have to pay from his wife's income, but it seems very unfair. He isn't willing to contribute a penny for his children. How can this be fair?

OP posts:

TheReef · 10/02/2020 14:27

I think the problem is you've been far too accommodating. Time to assert yourself

Dc access and holidays etc, plus child maint. Time for big girls pants

Bibidy · 10/02/2020 14:30

Unfortunately OP there really is nothing you can do if he does this. He doesn't have to hand over what he's not earning.

I'm surprised that as a headteacher he would be happy to become a full-time dad, hopefully this won't happen.

Tombakersscarf · 10/02/2020 14:31

I suspect something has happened at his work - either stress related or he is being managed out due to incompetence (or something worse). I can't see a HT dropping to sahp otherwise, when he had never done this before.
Is he close enough to do all the childcare for dc from now on, since he isn't working? That could be his contribution.

CakeandCustard28 · 10/02/2020 14:35

It’s not fair but there’s nothing you can do. At least when they’re older you can say “I brought you up myself without any help.” His loss, not yours or your kids.

TheRealShatParp · 10/02/2020 14:42

He’s a piece of shit.

Original poster

Willarosie · 10/02/2020 14:47

The children actually enjoy themselves when with their Dad. It's just step mum they don't like. She used to be lovely with them and care about them. But now...It's all about washing hands. They have to change clothes and underwear upon arrival - please can I add we are not unclean and the children are by no means dirty, it's just she sees them in this regard. If the clothing isn't from John Lewis, Monsoon, or similar, she isn't impressed and tells the children the same. When the children play outdoors, I am quite happy for them to be in basic leggings and jogger bottoms. Years ago, my ex did want them 50:50, but on the basis that he would have one child and not the other. Obviously I refused this.

In terms of his family, they don't like the person he has become and see that his wife controls him, but he is just as bad to go along with it. He no longer speaks to his mum and won't allow the children to see her, as she has contacted me. So I have now arranged for his mum to see the children via me...I just drop the children off for an hour a week and then a few hours at the weekend...I don't stay. I am also in touch with his brother to allow him to see the children too, as their dad has cut him off as well. He cut them off when they disagreed with his reduction in contact. If you disagree with him,...you are wrong.

The children are still not allowed to kiss their baby brother...who is 18 months old for fear of germs - they find this upsetting.

I work full time, well hours to fit around the school run and then I work from home to make up to my 35 hours a week. It is hard, but better than having to pay childcare. My partner works full time too, but he also has two children that he provides for. Money is tight and will be tighter now that maintenance will stop.

My daughter was in hospital last year and he came to visit for a 3 hours a day, but I stayed over for the whole week. She was then re-admitted a week later for another week and transferred to a hospital in an ambulance....he didn't visit once. He was on holiday down south in the UK with his wife, baby and their friends so advised that he would contact the hospital directly for all updates. My daughter will never forget or forgive him for this...she is 9.

There is no talking to him. It makes me so angry. It upsets me more that he works in education.

He was telling his mum and brother prior to this that it was me who limited contact for him to see the children, when it has been quite the opposite. I am so stressed and p*ssed off. I could do with someone to talk to about it all. It's so hard hiding the frustrations from the children.

They are both very selfish people.

OP posts:

Original poster

Willarosie · 10/02/2020 14:49

He has always been quite lazy and disorganised. I can imagine that when he became ill they will have seen it as a means to get rid. His mum stated the same. This is probably another easy get out.

OP posts:

Original poster

Willarosie · 10/02/2020 14:51

He tells me not to contact him unless it is related to child contact too.

He was great at paying for half of my daughters residential last year.

Sometimes he is great but most of the times he is really awful and cancels to much. I was so shocked that he hasn't been working all this time and yet makes out he is very busy, poorly and unwell and therefore can't see the children. He tells me they are tiring, especially our son. Well, yes, being a parent is hard work...not that he would know as he rarely has them, so going from being just a couple, to a couple with a baby and then two children that are becoming strangers to him will seem exhausting!

OP posts:

CakeandCustard28 · 10/02/2020 14:52

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Purpleartichoke · 10/02/2020 14:53

It should not be legal. I’m in a different area and it’s not where I live. A judge would say he has to keep paying at a rate commiserate with his earning potential.

Blackandgreenteas · 10/02/2020 14:59

my ex did want them 50:50, but on the basis that he would have one child and not the other

^^
This is appalling! What kind of parent says this? What was his justification?

Everything about him sounds awful. Tbh he sounds well able to stick up for himself, so the idea that it’s all his wife that’s the problem is a bit thin! She sounds pretty bad re the germs etc though. I feel sorry for their baby when it’s older!

Bibidy · 10/02/2020 15:16

It should not be legal. I’m in a different area and it’s not where I live. A judge would say he has to keep paying at a rate commiserate with his earning potential.

Just curious, how would this work though if he's not earning that money in order to pay it?

Bibidy · 10/02/2020 15:17

This is awful, sounds like it’s the wife being a OCD control freak.

Sounds to me like she's developed some kind of anxiety/OCD since having her baby and probably needs some kind of therapy to treat this. Obvs not your problem OP but her husband should be trying to help her sort this, especially if it effects his children as well.

AJPTaylor · 10/02/2020 15:20

Did you actually get a financial settlement agreed?

Purpleartichoke · 10/02/2020 15:20

It should not be legal. I’m in a different area and it’s not where I live. A judge would say he has to keep paying at a rate commiserate with his earning potential.

Just curious, how would this work though if he's not earning that money in order to pay it?

He would use his savings or accrue arrears and possible be arrested. You can’t simply choose not to support a child. Exemptions exist for disability or severe illness.

PhilCornwall1 · 10/02/2020 15:28

He would use his savings or accrue arrears and possible be arrested. You can’t simply choose not to support a child. Exemptions exist for disability or severe illness.

On the main topic, this man is a complete shit. If my marriage broke up, there is absolutely no way I could do this to my boys, they mean too much to me.

On the highlighted above, I can't see how that would work. If he has no savings and isn't working, where would the money come from? How would the arrears ultimately get paid as he has zero income.

copperoliver · 10/02/2020 18:04

I'd say if you don't contribute to their upbringing you cannot see them
Get solicitors advice maybe they can make her pay something. X

stuffedpeppers · 10/02/2020 19:20

Because he is a weak willed man with no back bone. Hie new wife wants the perfect nuclear family and your DCS sort of wreck that image.

She has slowly alienated the DCs and made their father reduce contact and he ahs not got the balls or brains to see what she is doing.

This happens so often and we wonder why Dads and Step mums get a bad name.

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/02/2020 19:25

Are posters missing this
but found out he hasn't been working since September and not once has he had his children more. He has been on sick leave.
He is t choosing to be a SAHD he is sick.

MyDcAreMarvel · 10/02/2020 19:26

*is not

Tombakersscarf · 10/02/2020 19:50

For a head teacher that may be an alternative to gardening leave. Or, he might be ill - but not in a way his dc have any knowledge of?

bigvig · 10/02/2020 20:10

They are not allowed to kiss their baby brother!!!!! I would stop sending them altogether. I doubt he would fight you in court for them. It must be messing with their minds to feel so excluded and unwanted by their stepmum- and seeing their Dad allow this.

Soontobe60 · 10/02/2020 20:24

Op, how old is your ex? If he's on sick leave with a view to losing his job he will probably get a pay off in lieu of working his notice. I'd get a claim in with CMS now, so you would be entitled to some of this. Also, if he's over 55 he may well be claiming his pension, which if he's a Head with over 30 years service should be a decent amount and again you'd be entitled to some if this as its income.

Aureum · 10/02/2020 20:37

He tells me not to contact him unless it is related to child contact too
This is quite reasonable and not unusual. He’s your ex not your friend. If I was his new wife I’d also be saying he needs to restrict it to essential contact only.

They are not allowed to kiss their baby brother!
I find this reasonable too. Nobody kisses my DC. Not his grandparents, cousins, aunty - it’s gross and unnecessary.

He has been on sick leave
This is why he’s quitting work then. Teaching is stressful, teachers are quitting in droves. Are you sure it’s her asking him to be a SAHD? I think it’s more likely that she’s doing him a favour by working so he can quit a job that’s obviously destroying him.

they will no longer pay any child maintenance to our two children even though they will have a household income of over £50k
THEY don’t pay maintenance. HE does. It’s his responsibility. If he’s not earning then he doesn’t pay. She shouldn’t have to pay for children that aren’t hers.

He isn't willing to contribute a penny for his children
This is where I think YANBU. He should work and provide for his DC. Even if he’s not teaching any more - he has responsibilities to his DC so he should get a different job, any job.

HughGrantsHair · 10/02/2020 20:53

It's wrong but it's a loophole lots of Non Resident Parents exploit.

Bibidy - you asked how would an NRP pay maintenance when not earning. I don't think it should be an option not to earn if they have children to provide for. As a single mother myself, I can't just stay at home forever until my children are grown up and expect someone else to pay for them. I'd have to claim job seekers and find a job. I think the same should apply for a Non Resident Parent in these circumstances. If they cannot or will not pay maintenance while choosing not to work then they should have to find a job. If they want to be a SAHP they need to find a way of paying. Even if it means their partners subsidising them

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