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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Was I asking for it?

98 replies

Ihavenotaclue · 09/02/2020 23:40

DH and I were messing around, grabbing others chubby bits and he said he hates his, I replied I love them. So I said ‘don’t you like mine?’ he said no.
I’m 5’7 size 12 and in proportion. Quite muscular I suppose but the children have ruined my stomach, stretch marks, baggy skin to which I have issues with, quite insecure.
So I got a bit upset. I let it pass and tried to make light of it tonight in bed and he touched my bum and I wiggled his hand asking why he didn’t like that....he then touched my stomach saying that it’s this he doesn’t like. Feel like utter crap now, it’s a part of me I can’t change, it’s what happened when I made our beautiful children and he doesn’t like that part of me. AIBU to be a bit heartbroken and sad? I suppose I was expecting him to love my flaws, especially that one. I was looking forward to some sex, but now I’m totally put off. He doesn’t seem to understand why.

OP posts:

DuckonaBike · 10/02/2020 09:53

Agree with the PP who said he may be projecting his own insecurities onto you. You need an honest discussion. If you are happy as you are, then he needs to accept you as you are. Nobody's perfect. If you're not, could you take positive action to get in shape together?

emmylousings · 10/02/2020 10:02

I can totally see why you are upset and turned off. I think he probably really doesn't understand the impact of that on you. if you value the relationship, you will have to try to get him to understand and why it's so hurtful - and also - as others have said, what about him? I doubt he is perfect, but expects you to want to shag him?! How would he like it if you were mean about his bod? Try to give him the benefit of the doubt when you have this conversation and try your hardest not to get too upset during the talk. Good luck.

Mlou32 · 10/02/2020 10:11

Sounds like it was tit for tat tbh. You were grabbing and poking an out at bits that you know he has hang is a out and playing on that insecurity so he decided to do the same.

I'm sure he doesn't mind your tummy at all, it was just a bit of 'you made me feel like shit so I'll make you feel like shit'.

Mlou32 · 10/02/2020 10:13

Excuse the typos above but I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say. Bloody MN not allowing you to edit!!

Original poster

Ihavenotaclue · 10/02/2020 10:23

Thank you for validation of my feelings. I wasn’t sure if my hurt was an overreaction.
We are brilliant together, a great team and I love and adore him. We always laugh. I can’t not talk to him, he’s the only real life adult I have to talk to.
I have issues with how I look any how, I’m finding getting older a horrible process as I used to be so confident and sexual, but these days I can’t have sex unless the lights out. Now he’s said this I’m not sure how thats going to work out, it’s made me feel really low. I know I shouldn’t rely on him to make me feel good, and I should love myself, but I don’t.

OP posts:

izzywizzygood · 10/02/2020 10:26

@bustergonad - it will make the OP feel more confident - she said she had insecurities. Then she can address the marriage issues. He's putting her down, she's upset. But she can take power over herself and get out. It's good advice :) I suspect you're just anti-exercise ;)

flower1994 · 10/02/2020 10:28

what the fuck, he seriously said that? might sound a bit over the top but I'd question my relationship with my partner over that considering I created his child 'in this'. it's a shame cos it seems like you wanted a bit of reassurance and he said probably the worst thing be could

MummyJasmin · 10/02/2020 10:30

What a prick!

flower1994 · 10/02/2020 10:30

I know guys dont always think the same but cant imagine saying something so cruel to my partner

AmeliaAndCasey · 10/02/2020 10:36

Narcissist, comes to mind.

Savingshoes · 10/02/2020 10:36

It's crap when people have no filter but I would rather someone be honest with how they feel/their opinions than lie.
He may not like that part of you but he's not you. He wasn't belittling or mocking in his comments, just answered a question matter of factly the way you describe. The alternative would suggest insecurity on his part.
And if you are happy the way you look, that's all that matters.

FizzyGreenWater · 10/02/2020 10:36

I'm not surprised you're not sure how it's going to work out. But that's now his problem.

I'd hate to be married to a man who would think like that... who wouldn't be thinking 'well yep wouldn't it be great if we were both still taut twentysomethings but neither of us are and THAT'S the abdomen that changed shape so that I got to be a dad and that's the best thing that ever happened to me.'

ellejay33 · 10/02/2020 10:40

What in the fucking hell was he expecting making a comment like that? Sorry he said this to you. You've created 2 (??) human beings, what has he done? Unless he's built like an olympic athlete and birthed 2 children then he needs to give his head a shake. Is he 12?

FizzyGreenWater · 10/02/2020 10:41

And the other thing - I'm sure that when you said you love his chubby bits, you meant it. My DH has changed over the years but I genuinely don't ever think 'I wish this bit looked a little bit different'. I suppose it might be different if he'd become hugely overweight or something to be fair. But mature, adult people in good relationships surely should be looking at their slightly older partners and seeing the changes and feeling secure and happy that they're lucky enough to have gone through all these stages together - not just look at A. N. Body and pick holes.

The people that are silly and shallow enough to think like that are the people who are silly enough to throw over their long relationships for the temporary thrill of an affair. Not saying that's your DH by the way OP! - just saying that it smacks of that kind of immaturity, the grass being greener thing. Very disappointing.

QueSera · 10/02/2020 10:51

OP - please try to love your wobbly bits! We earned them, and they gave us our DC.
Most women who have carried a baby, no matter how slim and/or fit, end up with that wobbly tummy. For most of us, it's impossible to get a flat, taut stomach, the skin, muscles and connective tissue has been stretched beyond repair.
How does your P and others like him, think that our bodies can go through pregnancy and childbirth and breastfeeding and not be permanently changed??
I'm so sorry he has said this to you OP. It really is horrible and beyond insensitive. I don't think I could ever have sex again with someone who had said that to me. I hope he apologises.

Lilymossflower · 10/02/2020 11:07

Omg what a dickhead he is !

Your whole body is beautiful op , and the parts that created children have extra layers of beauty and specialness

You deserve to feel honoured and cherished by a man, not made to feel like shit

Disfordarkchocolate · 10/02/2020 11:10

I'd be gutted if my husband said that to me. I know my stomach is pretty grim to look at in certain positions, who they heck mentions it out loud to someone they love!

WorldEndingFire · 10/02/2020 11:19

Wow, sounds like he needs a biology lesson in how pregnancy works. What a colossal fool.

Salamander91 · 10/02/2020 13:24

Wow. Hubby wouldn't be seeing my chubby bits again if he said that to me. Your feelings are completely valid

FinallyHere · 10/02/2020 13:40

{{{{{Ihavenotaclue}}}}}

february08baby · 10/02/2020 13:47

its not a part of you that you can't change, so you are wrong to say that, but nor should you change it for anyone else but you. Your DH sounds a bit of a dick.

Incontinencesucks · 10/02/2020 14:50

What a cock. How would he like it if you said the same?

Your 'wobbly bit' are from growing and protecting your dc, what are his from? Cream cakes?

The first comments were insensitive, the second nasty.

oobieloo · 10/02/2020 17:16

I don't think you're wrong at all how horrible of him.
I'd have thought the whole point of a relationship that lasts is that you love each other no matter what even if you get a bit chunky from having babies and whatnot.
If DP dared to make me feel worse about my belly that has happened since carrying his child I'd probably lose my shit with him. I know I wouldn't be able to have sex with him for a long time. That sort of thing messes with your confidence in massive ways.
What an insensitive rude jebend

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