Was I asking for it?

[Ihavenotaclue]

DH and I were messing around, grabbing others chubby bits and he said he hates his, I replied I love them. So I said ‘don’t you like mine?’ he said no.
I’m 5’7 size 12 and in proportion. Quite muscular I suppose but the children have ruined my stomach, stretch marks, baggy skin to which I have issues with, quite insecure.
So I got a bit upset. I let it pass and tried to make light of it tonight in bed and he touched my bum and I wiggled his hand asking why he didn’t like that....he then touched my stomach saying that it’s this he doesn’t like. Feel like utter crap now, it’s a part of me I can’t change, it’s what happened when I made our beautiful children and he doesn’t like that part of me. AIBU to be a bit heartbroken and sad? I suppose I was expecting him to love my flaws, especially that one. I was looking forward to some sex, but now I’m totally put off. He doesn’t seem to understand why.

Honesty is sometimes vastly overrated. So post baby stomach might not be the biggest turn on but why on earth would you say that.

I knew someone at school whose father had been tortured by the Nazis, apparently his wife would kiss the scars and tell him she how much she loved him. I bet looking at those scars hurt her but she never let him know.

I am 44 and have stretch marks from having my children years ago. When I met my fiance I hid them as much as possible. Eventually i asked him what he thought and he said he didn't think anything! He said they aren't pretty but they are not ugly either! They are just there. He finds my body to be very sexy so doesn't quite understand when I tell him I find them ugly. He said all they are is evidence of child birth, marks on skin and that's it. He has been with 8 women in his life and said every single one had stretch marks from pregnancy. He says people ought to just see them for what they are.

I have a wobbly post-baby tummy too OP, as do most women who have had a baby. It is the part of me I am most insecure about and because it's skin I suspect that diet and exercise wouldn't improve it much. I mentioned to my DH just last night I had been doing stomach crunches (have had some self esteem issues) and he was genuinely dismayed that I felt I needed to, said I didn't need to and that I'm perfect as I am - which is what your DH should have said. The problem here is not your belly, it's your DH and his shallowness and tiny brain.

This would really upset me. I’ve struggled with my loose belly skin since having my children-although I’m very slim and have a nice figure, sometimes it’s all I see when I wear nice underwear. I hate it amd how bad it looks from certain anfles. If I’m down I am especially conscious and have often fantasised about having it operated on and sliced off!

I’ve just had my 4th baby with a new partner after leaving an unhappy marriage 4 years ago. My stomach is perhaps slightly worse from this pregnancy but my new man is so complimentary and loving. He kisses my belly and says it tells my story. He says he loves it because it’s part of me. He has a great body with no wobbly bits and loves the gym, but doesn’t expect me to look like a 19 tear old. He loves me and shows it all the time I am slowly starting to love my body too...

I suppose what I’m saying is being with the right person can help you to feel better and value yourself for the amazing job your body has done. It made a difference to me

Oh he was being so mean! I have a great figure for someone who is mid forties but I have that saggy skin thing on my belly from carrying babies, I hate it, but I will always remember it's from my beautiful babies. My husband doesn't seem to mind it, or if h does he know not to say anything xx

He was being v insensitive.

Tell him 'as we're being open and honest with each other, I think you've got a small dick and I wish it was bigger'

See how he fucking likes being told about things he has no control over.

I had an ex who made this type of comment. He's an ex for many reasons, including this ( and I realised the worst comments would be said when I was in a good mood, like he was deliberately trying to drag me down).

Sorry you had to hear such a terrible remark OP.
I would be so, SO upset if my partner said that to me. The issue here is the profound and utter disrespect he has shown

• to your feelings
• to the generosity of spirit you showed in carrying his children for him
• to your body
• to his marriage vows to you, which (I'm guessing) promised to 'love and honour' you, no matter what the life changes you two go through together.

He has betrayed you on so many levels with that shitty but very telling comment. Our partners are supposed to provide that lovely, protective, safe and intimate bubble, and we to them. He has broken this. This is why you're upset. It is justified.

So what to do?

If this were me, I'd go super cold/clinical/less words and ask him to stay somewhere else until you work things out in your own mind.

Tell him you need space in order to process the fact that that comment made you feel disrespected and unloved.

Tell him you need space in order to process the fact that his comment made you feel incredibly unsafe in your relationship. Misogyny is unsafe. Discovering your husband is a misogynist has serious ramifications for the emotional and sexual components of your relationship.

Maybe suggest to him that he can use his time away to reflect on the meaning of respectful behaviour, lover and honouring one's partner in a relationship. He needs to revisit his marriage vows and consider the 'love and honour' bit.

I would go SO hard on this one OP. I cannot emphasise the power of going cold, hard, respect-me-or-get-the-fuck-out-of-my-way on men like this. It is the ONLY response they respect.

There are a pantheon of incredible female rappers (Lizzo, Eve, Lady of Rage) who you can listen to for inspiration and pure feminist energy to pump you up and give you courage to stare this man down!

Good luck. xx

DP has made subtle remarks about my post baby belly and I have calmly pointed out that my body has done amazing things and yet his is imperfect due to laziness and greed yet I overlook it which stopped him in his tracks. He suggested I exercise to just 'tighten up' my hereditary crepey skin

What irks me more is the constant fanboy following and liking of a particular 'prefect' childless athlete on Instagram who is the complete opposite of me which confuses the hell out of me ; heavy makeup, fake hair and eyelashes, implants, very short. All the things he says to me he finds repulsive and why he was attracted to me in the first place because I don't have them

Perfect was meant to say.
I doubt she was a prefect. Looks more like cheerleader fodder

I'm out of shape atm but in all honesty dh wouldnt dare voice his opinions on that,he knows how upset it would make me and also the fact he would be in a &e if he commented on my body( joke)

I'd have knocked his head clean off his shoulders.

What a hideous comment to make. I'm honestly not sure I could get over something like that.

Snoozylou love that comment!

Im not a big fan of my dh wobbly stomach but would never tell him but he probs not a big fan of it either. We never have those kinds of discussions. I would never ask a question that i might not like the answer to.

That's not a nice husband. Can I ask why you are with him? Exercise and plastic surgery will help with your stomach a bit.

@Italiangreyhound, I liked this - There are loads of things about people's bodies we may not love but because we love the person overall, we love the body overall.

Exactly this. OP, that was a really mean thing for him to say and do, and I think you need to take a long hard look at your relationship - the last comment was particularly cruel and unnecessary.

I'm no supermodel - I'm a size 16 with many and various wobbly bits and stretch marks - but DH loves me and has never said anything like that in over 30 years. If I backed him into a corner, put his hand on one of my less attractive bits and asked him if he liked it, he'd just grin, cuddle me and tell me he loves all of me. He certainly wouldn't react like yours did.

He should have lied to you.
I mean, you specifically asked him, after he'd said he didn't like his.
He was pretty daft not to just lie.

My heart hurts reading this

I like @SnoozyLou suggestion .

Yeah, get some plastic surgery op that'll shut him up. Or just exercise the loose skin away,
For God's sake izzy. Great advice.

Rwalker - you might let it go, but 99% of women on here wouldn't. And shouldn't. It's an appalling comment, and anyone who said it to me (in bed, well after it had been 'let go', after the 'messing about' situation) would never see me naked again.

Regardless of his size or her size. EVERY man alive knows that the quickest way to hurt a woman is to criticise he weight/size/shape. Why would someone who loves you want to hurt you, belittle you, like that?

Hang on so he criticised your body twice and then was all like "lets get jiggy then?" That sounds really controlling and ugly. Putting you down and then him wanting to have sex with like it's some kind of honour. Don't allow it OP.

It's the fact that he expects you to accept/love his flaws and find him attractive but you should be in far better shape that angers me - WHY?!

He obviously thought it was ok to say he didn't like your chubby bits after declaring that he hated his own. I hate my stomach. If Dh had a similar flabby stomach I cannot imagine I'd love his, while hating mine. While he shouldn't have said it to you, you did ask directly after him declaring his dislike of his own chubby bits so it would have been obvious he was lying if he said he loved your chubby bits. I would never ask Dh if he liked my stomach and if he said he loved it I'd think he was mad in the head.

I'd be upset by the comment, but even more upset that I'm married to the sort of man who doesn't think that kindness and tact has any place in a marriage.

He did say he didn't like his... You were asking for it.

But don't let it get to you. It's a small part of you and partners are allowed to not like parts of our body or parts of our personality, IMO.