To not sleep train my baby

[Bizawit]

My baby has just turned 8 months. She’s not a great napper. We have a pretty regular bedtime routine (bath, change, pjs, story etc.) that ends with me feeding and cuddling her to sleep. We co-sleep. She’s mostly ok at night. She wakes up sometimes to feed but then settles back to sleep. The time between around 7.30 (when I put her to bed) until I’m ready to sleep is a nightmare though. She wakes up constantly and cries, and I have to come get in bed and feed her back to sleep again. She only really settles when I’m ready for bed myself and I fall asleep next to her.

I’m so exhausted hearing of all the other mums sleep training their babies. Apparently these babies all sleep through the night. They are put in a cot with the lights out and they settled themselves to sleep! They take a nap at the same time everyday and sleep for two hours in a go! Apparently the research says that sleep training is fine - beneficial evening. Apparently it is healthier for my baby to get more sleep and everyone will be happier if I just leave her to cry until she learns to sleep.

I cannot bear the idea of abandoning my baby to cry until she gives up and falls asleep. I just can’t get my head around the idea that this is what I am supposed to do to be a good mum. AIBU?

Yanbu to not want to leave your baby to cry but YABU to continue a routine that’s not working. Try working on self soothing at nap time before tackling bed time? Your health visitor should help x

I used to beat myself up about this! In the end I just decided to go with the flow and try again when baby was a bit older. It worked for a while but even now at 2 something we do the bedtime routine consistently and he sleeps in with us. Truthfully we get such a good night sleep and it won't last forever!

The way I see it is they grow so fast, it doesn't hurt to have them there with you so long as it works for everyone!! There's no shame in that although I'm sure someone will be along soon to disagree

At 9 months me and dh set about getting ds to sleep. Took 3 nights of very minimal fuss. Compared to 5 /6 bf a night. A dm and df with bags under their eyes. No energy for other dc or each other.
Result was a happier ds and happier us. And ultimately a happier home all round. .

I don’t believe in sleep training either.
Have you read this book? That’s the approach that resonates with me

gentlesleepbook.com/

Ah I just saw your bit about her not sleeping without you. That's a tricky one! I hope you'll get more helpful advice than my ramble

Sleep training and leaving babies to cry are not synonymous. There are a huge number of sleep training methods, some of which involve very little crying and never leaving them to cry alone. So YABU for lumping all sleep training together but YANBU for not wanting to do it.

I haven't needed to with DD as I have a naturally good sleeper, but I do need and value my evenings so if she wasn't sleeping until I came to bed, I probably would do some gentle sleep training as I don't want to go to bed at 7pm! But others are happy to do so and that's fine.

We didn't sleep train as such, and have never done any form of leaving them to cry, but we followed the little ones programme in terms of when to put them down for daytime naps and it worked absolute wonders.

However, if you're happy with your current situation then who cares what other people are doing? Don't judge them, and don't worry about what they think of you.

Yanbu op.

I felt under pressure to sleep train but never did because I don't believe in it. I breastfed my baby to sleep and went in to see him every time he woke up and he has slept through reliably from age 1. He is by no means clingy and is a very happy one and a half year old who can self-settle if need be (even though I never 'taught' him). I know I did the right thing for my own individual baby.

Every baby is different and if you'd rather comfort your baby every time than leaving them for set intervals then you go for it! Never let anyone make you feel guilty! Do what you want to do.

I would never dream of telling an avid sleep training fan to stop sleep training - I'd respect their decision and never dream of doing otherwise. I still feel a bit sad now that I wasn't treated with the same kindness when I was being pressurised to sleep train. We should all be able to parent how we want.

@tangled2 it’s not that I care what other people think of me. I don’t really share that much about my approaches to things anyway unless people ask me. What is distressing me is that so many testimonials about how effective sleep training is and the research that says it’s beneficial etc., and that by not dOing it I’m not teaching my baby to “self settle” and impairing her development with lack of sleep etc. It’s upsetting to me that something that goes against all my instincts as a mother is the recommended advice.. hence asking if iabu..

I’ve thought about getting the little ones programme but it is really expensive and I am skeptical about what it might say that would justify the money?

Your baby your rules. I rocked, sang ,fed and cuddles my children to sleep for ages. Each to there own but I enjoyed it. Dont get me wrong my ds was still co sleeping at 3 years old but it meant we all slept through. They're 4 and 6 now and I dont regret those days. It was tough though. Try to at least get her to settle for naps so she does have some ability to self soothe.and hopefully she'll sleep a few hours alone to give you some space. Dummy? Patting back instead of rocking? I remember those hard days and someone told me it's only a problem if it a problem for me. I could never leave my babies upset and alone I think it's against your natural instincts for a reason but lack of sleep is a killer. It passes xx

Thanks so much @firstimemamma. It’s really great to hear a positive outcome from someone who didn’t do sleep training.

You clearly don’t understand what sleep training is. It is setting a rinse-repeat routine and sticking to it, letting your DC cry in a controlled way to see if they will settle (not rush to them at the first cry) and if they don’t then comfort them in the same way each time.

I have an 9 week old and have tried this and it seems to work:

Dim lights at night, bright natural light in the day
Put baby into bed once they’ve fallen asleep (or are falling asleep).
If they cry I will wait until I definitely know he needs me and will pat and shush three times then only pick him up when he’s inconsolable. Once asleep I put him down and if he cries again I follow the same routine. I put him in an extra thick nappy the times I want him to sleep so minimal disruption (I change for poos only during the 6 hour period).

I used to worry about the same OP. By now I've read so much about the whole concept of 'self settling' being a con basically. There's a whole industry behind sleep training in whose interest it is to convince people (vulnerable young parents) that their baby has a sleep 'problem' and it is our responsibility to 'teach' them to sleep better. None of it is actually scientifically / biologically true... It's totally normal for babies to wake up during the night and need soothing. They can't learn to 'self soothe' at that age.

Check our The Beyond Sleep Training Project. There's a Facebook group of that name.

Also Sarah Ockwell Smith explains about the sleep training industry in Why Your Baby's Sleep Matters.

I think sleep training is something you do when you can’t sustain your own wellbeing, relationships, employment etc because of lack of sleep. And obviously people’s perspectives will vary - I have a friend who sleep trained to get rid of one night wakening - one!! That to me would be tolerable forever, but obviously my perspective is different because my child is wildly different.

I felt pressure when my DD was about 6mo. Not from anyone directly, but she was a poor sleeper and everyone else I knew had babies that slept well.

I’d forget the pressure. If you get to that point, and you may not, where you’re not sustaining your own wellbeing then you know it’s there.

Sleep training is not necessarily leaving a baby to cry it out. I sleep trained my DD and at no point has she ever been left to cry until she falls asleep.
It’s fine for you to do what you want to do but logically if you co sleep then she’s not going to fall asleep until you’re there as that’s not what she’s used to and most people I know who co sleep then end up keeping their children up until they go to sleep.

raisedgood.com/self-soothing-biggest-con-new-parenthood/

thebeyondsleeptrainingproject.com/

You’re reading the wrong stuff OP. There’s loads of research that shows letting babies cry to sleep is harmful, raises cortisol levels, changes brain development, harms ability to have loving attachments etc etc. Even Gina Ford said it was a last resort thing when the mother can’t cope. Google stuff like “African babies don’t cry”.

Do what your baby needs you to do. You won’t get these days back again. I ended up having to go to bed with baby at 7pm for a while.

For what it’s worth, my child:

• slept in 3 hour blocks until 4 months old
• would only sleep when latched on from 4-5 months old (teething toothache)
• thereafter stopped needing to be latched on but started waking every 45 minutes exactly. This continued until about age one then he started sleeping in 2 hour blocks. By this point I had given up on the cot and moved to bed sharing (made safe) for some of the night.
• started sleeping through the night at age 3 (except for one blissful week when he was two 🤷‍♀️)

I tried all of the sleep training methods except cry it out (so pick up put down, gradual retreat etc etc). They did not help at all. I didn’t try ‘cry it out‘ because to me that is not ‘training’ that is just abandoning the child and hiding from it.

It would be interesting to see if these parents who think cry it out didn’t affect their children have increased issues with tantrums / teenage rebellions etc. But no one is tracking that. I’m interested because my child never had tantrums, he’s year 2 now and we are so so close, and I think those early experiences are a huge part of why.

Sleep training didn’t work for me. I tried letting DS cry but he got hysterical and never stopped. He would thrash around and end up injuring himself on the bars of the cot. Plus if I did manage to make him sleep at 7pm he was up for the day at 5am and I couldn’t cope with that. I’d only been in bed myself since maybe 11pm so I wasn’t getting enough sleep.

So I let him stay up till 9-10pm in order to make him sleep till 7-8am. I cuddle him to sleep to prevent him hurting himself. He wakes up half a dozen times a night for no reason because I just tell him to lie down and he gets no drinks or anything. I don’t know how to fix that? But he ends up in my bed because I get sick of repeatedly getting up.

@GrumpyHoonMain but I have a rinse repeat routine - it just doesn’t involve allowing my baby to cry. I have a regular bedtime routine that ends with me feeding and cuddling her to sleep. If she wakes and cries I feed and cuddle on repeat. There have been a couple of times that she’s done one cry and then rolled over and fallen back to sleep, but mostly she wakes and cries for me to come back and feed and cuddle her. So I do. I don’t think that counts as sleep training though..? Everything I’ve read says you should never feed the baby to sleep, but if I just put her down like that she’s cries..

Extra thick nappy sounds wise.. I avoid changing at night these days...

I didn't sleep train either of mine, and it was pretty exhausting but when I look back, I wish I'd had more support, but I don't wish I'd sleep trained them. I might have needed more sleep, but they got what they needed and it made our relationship a lot stronger. I think there's a certain amount of trusting your gut feeling involved in sleep training - if it feels tough but reasonable, then it's probably the right choice for you and your baby. If it feels like unbearable anguish, then it probably isn't.

Nope. It’s horrid and cruel. They can’t talk, move properly and are totally vulnerable.
Sleep trained babies still wake up but they don’t bother crying anymore because they know that no one will come for them.
The sleepless nights don’t last forever, enjoy the cuddles and trust your instincts.

I could have written this myself when dd was the same age.
She was in a next to me crib though but slept better on the bed 😂 at 9 months she went in her cot in her own room and the routine continued only it was harder as I was having to get up/ go into her so don't don't sleep as much.

Tbh the only real change came at about 16 months when I stopped the breastfeeds. Then she seemed to just fall in a routine of sleeping through and about this time the day naps became a regular (ish) kind of time.

Your baby isn't a baby long so do what suits you both.