ExDP “seeing” one of my friends ... Aibu?

[TheSheepofWallSt]

ExDP lives in London, where we lived together until I had DS (now 3) and our relationship fell apart.

He comes up once a month, stays in my house for 3-5 days and spends the time with DS. We eat meals together and we’re civil, but I use this as an opportunity to catch up on work, sleep, long baths etc. It works for us.

ExDP is self employed and has been unable to work for 2 years- living on savings frugally, (owns home outright so that’s fine) and I’ve waived any maintenance requests etc. in response to this.

ExDP had been considering selling up, downsizing and moving to our new town, so he could be more hands on with DS and share childcare - freeing up money for me and DS (I’m in awful debt from covering all nursery fees for 2 years). All of a sudden he doesn’t want to.

Something prompted me to ask him “are you seeing someone in London?” ... and of course he is.
And she’s a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. And it’s been going on for 9 months. we’ve talked about this friend in that time, and not once has he said anything.

I’m really upset- partly because he no longer wants to be more hands on with DS. Partly because he kept this from me. And partly because he said he hadn’t told me because “he was worried about my reaction”. I would have been fine, if he’d told me of his own accord- but he says things like that because after I had DS I had PNA and PND, and I was a bit volatile. But that was years ago- he just uses it as a stick to beat me with.

Aibu to be upset?

You’re not being unreasonable to be upset, you can feel how you like and it would be sad for your son.

However you definitely have an unhealthy relationship with your Ex and should address this. He has an obligation to pay for his child, don’t let this slide, especially to the detriment of your own financial detriment. There is no need for him to stay with you when he visits and frankly it will be very confusing for your son. Also likely to stop if he’s seeing someone.

Financial situation not detriment

@puds11

Not a drip feed but if he didn’t stay here he wouldn’t see DS (and I wouldn’t EVER get any kind of break or support).
He lives 250 miles away and has a significant health condition that can flare suddenly- I wouldn’t want to be more than half an hour away in case of an emergency.

How does he manage the illness the rest of the time?

@puds11

With great difficulty. It’s hard to say without outing us... He’s under multidisciplinary care, the local chaplain offers help with some day to day stuff, and he’s part of a co operative collective that is very supportive.

But I have had times when I’ve had to make calls to friends to go round and get him to a doctor/ hospital/ collect medicine from the pharmacy.

If I’m honest I’m tired of it all, and if it weren’t for DS who loves him dearly, I’d just cut him off.

Funnily enough the amount of support he’s needed has dropped off in recent months....

Then let him carry on as he is, but stop allowing him to stay at yours. That’s weird and will prevent you starting another relationship. How can you, with him staying so frequently?

I honestly don't think it's your business who he's in a relationship with. But YANBU to be upset that he wasn't upfront with you about his change of plans before now.

Also, you should not be offering him support. Wtf?! He’s an ex.

@Cherrysoup

I work 60+ hours a week, am a lone parent and am writing a book to deadline.
Another relationship is not what I want or need.

What I need is once a month for somebody to come and let me catch up with life- exDP does that, and having him in my home is no problem.
DS is not confused- he’s a very bright little boy who is very capable of telling me when he’s unsettled/ what bothers him- and he understands that daddy lives in London and comes to see him once a month.

I’m sorry if this sounds snappy- but I’m fine with the access arrangements. What I’m wondering about is whether I’m right to be upset about him starting a relationship with a friend of mine.

@Cherrysoup
Do you have children?
If you do, surely you understand that you want the other parent to be as well as possible for as long as possible, for the sake of the child?

In the nicest possible way, could he just be using you/ manipulating you because you give him an easy ride and take care of him? If he paid child support could you not then afford child care in order to get your work done?

@puds11
That’s interesting... I’d have said not.... If he paid child support things would ease up, but wouldn’t materially affect hours worked etc.
If he lived closer DS could spend less hours in childcare and bills would go down significantly, but I think that’s a dream to let go of now

It doesn't really matter who he has a relationship as he's an ex. If his condition is life-shortening, though, I would want to make sure that his property is left to his child; especially as he hasn't been financially supportive.

YANBU to be upset it's a natural reaction, nothing you can really do about it though, it is what it is. However stop letting him off the hook for child support, he is taking advantage of you. Doesn't even mean you have to stop the visits if thats the only way he sees your child and works for you both, but he has to get his finger out about support especially since you've got yourself into debt paying his share. Xxx

@katy1213

Yes absolutely- particularly as there’s an ex wife before me (no kids) who I worry about too...
He does say that one of the reasons he’s hanging onto his ridiculously oversized, high maintenance house is for DS. So not worried he has good intentions in that direction.

@TheSheepofWallSt I get it, honestly and of course you need a break, but it strikes me that he’s getting an easy time (barring his health issues) by staying at yours and getting support. Eventually, you might have another relationship, but with him staying, you’re stopping that from happening (I know you work long hours and have deadlines, but are you saying that’s it, you’d say no to a relationship if some fab guy came along?)

From an objective POV, it looks like you’re doing all the compromising. Do you think he’ll be reluctant to come up due to his new relationship? You say he’s needed less support recently; are you feeling resentful that he’s less reliant on your help? Sorry, just trying to understand the bigger picture.

PS ; of all the women in London, he had to choose a friend of yours?!

I think you've every right to be upset with him. You've done a lot to help him by understanding his difficulty with maintenance, allowing him to stay at yours, helping with his care and hes repaid you by hiding a relationship from you and most importantly, he seems to have chosen that new relationship over his access to his son and responsibility to co parent.

I think you need to say that to him and explain that if he chooses to stay in London then he has to start working with you more regarding childcare or maintenance

OP I've been there!

My exDP was living in a place which wasn't suitable to have children in.

So he would come to mine over the weekend when he had the kids and would stay over. Sleep on the sofa.
This worked for us.

Fuck what everyone on Mumsnet says, just because it's not the 'usual' way, doesn't mean it can't be a way it works for all of you.

I've also been through him seeing a friend as well. That was annoying but it didn't last more than a few months and it didn't effect where he would live like it is with your ex.

It's weird though how the new gf is ok with him sleeping at yours so regularly.
I'd be worried if that changed.

If he had children with her, I've no doubt she would be putting her foot down. You probably need to put that to him.

Best of luck with the book.

I think you also need to examine your feelings here a bit. Is there a part of you that likes having him as a kind of ‘not quite‘ partner? That hasn’t fully let go? You could as easily have felt relief that he was seeing someone and someone that you know and trust to boot, if you had completely moved on I wonder if it would be easier to see the possible positives in this. He sounds like he offers you a break with the added bonus of him being DS’s dad, but that you have to suppprt and facilitate him? And forgo financial support etc? that’s not fair on you. You need a break with no strings. You need proper loving support and it sounds like you won’t get that from him. So cut your losses and be really clear that he must make better maintenance arrangements. You having pnd is not your fault and him making capital out of it in any way is unacceptable and bloody low.

It doesn't matter if you do or don't have feelings for an ex. When the father of your child starts seeing your mate, it's going to sting a bit. Even if you haven't loved them for years.

Have you sat him down and clearly spelled out to him that you are in debt because you have picked up his share of financial responsibility for several years now for the child you both made, and that him moving closer to you would have allowed you to enjoy a fraction of the child free time that he does, and would have enabled him to pay back his debt to you for his share of all the childcare and maintenance? That it would have been him contributing in a fairly small way to the financial burden of his own child, by making it possible for you to make more money/spend less on childcare in order to cover his obligations? There's also the small matter of being able to spend more time with his son.

If you have put all of this to him, what was his response?

RE your friend, I suppose technically he can date who he wants (typical MN response 🙄) but it is a shitty thing to do and it's very selfish of him to risk jeopardising your relationship as co-parents with the knock-on effect that would have for your son, just for a girlfriend. She is definitely not your friend. Does he know there are 100,000's of other women in London?

All in all, he doesn't seem to be father of the year.

Thanks for all the support everyone...

I do understand our set up is strange to lots of people re: access. But that part of it is actually the clearest cut and most “transactional”.

I think if I’m honest with myself, I am angry and jealous but not in a jealous of him-and-her way. I’m jealous of him. Being able to start a new relationship, smoke, drink, keep hold of his property, live with no cares or consequences... I adore DS. I wouldn’t be without him- the sun rises and sets with him. But this isn’t what I planned, for either of us.

I’m angry that I’m so fair and even handed and try to treat him with kindness- and he gaslights me (“I couldn’t tell you about her because I was worried about your reaction”)- which he did when we were together (“I’m not drunk, it’s you, you’re not well”). It was/is always his cowardice at facing up to his shortcomings that won out over treating me kindly.

Anyway- I was at the office this evening (went because ... well I had to get out of the house, and it was there or my mothers, and the less said about that option the better), had a good cry and wrote basically an MOU regarding access and financial support.
I’ve asked for (a fairly paltry) sum monthly, but given he isn’t working it feels significant enough for him to feel it, and set out access dates, including some that are “non-negotiable” (because I’m committed to project delivery deadlines etc and need him here to support).

He’s signed it. I’ve signed it. He’s really annoyed. I’m still a bit tearful but here we are, we all know what’s what, and he’s finally going to have to put his hand in his pocket.
I’ve told him if he breaches our agreement I’ll have to get a solicitor involved- which he knows is the sort of thing to say that I find really distasteful (childhood was spent knowing my parents were in and out of court) but I meant it.

Also re: the “friend”... I’ve just found she’s deleted me from social media ... not sure how long ago that happened, but it doesn’t bode well for how she’ll be if their relationship continues and we have to navigate this together...