ExDP “seeing” one of my friends ... Aibu?

[TheSheepofWallSt]

ExDP lives in London, where we lived together until I had DS (now 3) and our relationship fell apart.

He comes up once a month, stays in my house for 3-5 days and spends the time with DS. We eat meals together and we’re civil, but I use this as an opportunity to catch up on work, sleep, long baths etc. It works for us.

ExDP is self employed and has been unable to work for 2 years- living on savings frugally, (owns home outright so that’s fine) and I’ve waived any maintenance requests etc. in response to this.

ExDP had been considering selling up, downsizing and moving to our new town, so he could be more hands on with DS and share childcare - freeing up money for me and DS (I’m in awful debt from covering all nursery fees for 2 years). All of a sudden he doesn’t want to.

Something prompted me to ask him “are you seeing someone in London?” ... and of course he is.
And she’s a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. And it’s been going on for 9 months. we’ve talked about this friend in that time, and not once has he said anything.

I’m really upset- partly because he no longer wants to be more hands on with DS. Partly because he kept this from me. And partly because he said he hadn’t told me because “he was worried about my reaction”. I would have been fine, if he’d told me of his own accord- but he says things like that because after I had DS I had PNA and PND, and I was a bit volatile. But that was years ago- he just uses it as a stick to beat me with.

Aibu to be upset?

Well done @TheSheep I think having something in writing is very sensible. Make sure you do follow through if he renegades. I’d forget about your friends, she clearly isn’t a very good one!

He runs a large expensive house, and yet gives you no child support ?
Start a claim. He might remarry, and promises are just words

@PinkShiny

Yes but he has no “income” as such- savings that he’s living off, and some assets he could sell (bit of art, fishing boat, that sort of thing) ... can he be forced to sell these to release funds given we weren’t married?!

I’ve just realised that out of context he sounds minted... he’s sort of is and sort of isn’t. He’s “old school” posh- you know, cash poor and half the assets are more liabilities than anything else... the boat is a prime example

It's not really your place to decide if he can afford it or if he should sell up, his non existent income etc. forget about that, it's not your concern. What IS your concern is being able to afford to care for your child without going into massive debt because the dad won't pay his keep.
The friend, I'm sure, has no idea he stays in your house btw.

I think your situation with your ex is fine, but it's pretty clear you won't move on as long as he's in your house a few days every month -- which you seem fine with, since you say you don't want a relationship with anyone else anyway. The jealousy is understandable. It would be understandable even if you didn't have those few days together every month, because he's seeing your friend. Of course that is going to get your fur up. That's normal.

I think it sounds reasonable to have your ex stay with you so you can have some time off every month. When your DS is older, it may make more sense for him to visit his DF away from you, but for now, I would keep doing what you're doing if I were in your shoes. Consider the jealousy the price you are paying for that.

Firstly, it’s up to him who he dates.

However, as you said, you resent more that he’s moving on with his life, whilst your holding the fort. You’re doing everything, and he’s living a life of Riley (subject to his medical condition). He’s not contributing, yet Socialising Etc.

So, immediately after hearing about his new girlfriend, you started claiming maintenance for the first time.

I think you're perfectly reasonable in doing so, and you've been very kind to him up until now. But in his mind the 2 ideas will be linked, and you're punishing him financially for moving on. He'll feel justified in his reasons for not wanting to tell you.

For 4 or 5 days a month the father of your child who pays nothing towards his keep, turns up like Mary Poppins and you think that's good parenting .
I think you need to wise up a bit.

Lucky him having his cake and eating it!

Does he contribute at all to his stay with you? And how come it's you who has to co-ordinate and be close by when he has his collective? What's he self-employed in? Is it a 'hobby job' or is it something that can actually sustain a living?

YANBU to be cross he hasn't told you. However, you cannot dictate who he has a relationship with,

Personally, I would not want to be friends with someone who could keep that from me.

He really does need to start paying for his child too.

Please stick to the arrangement. If he has a property in London he could be able to pay more and maybe downsize in London.

Anyway, you sound like you know how you want it to go.

You need to see a solicitor.
He's taking you for a ride.

Next thing now, the new woman will be pregnant.

I’d also be worried about him keeping his house “for his son”. What if the new gf gets pregnant, what if he needs care and it gets swallowed up by fees - there’s all sorts of stuff that can happen there. Your son is entitled to maintenance from his dad. I’m glad you’re pursuing this, but I’d also be asking what he’s doing to protect the house.

In terms of the new gf - I think you can be annoyed but you have to live with it. It’s not your business who he sees. I’d be annoyed at my friend who I’d think should have told me, but you’ve said you’re not close. Is she more of an acquaintance ?

What Lorenzo and Stephminx have said (above).

If he were to marry his new girlfriend she would become his next of kin and, if they remain married and she's aiive at the date of his death, will inherit a significant portion of his estate. If they have children your ds's share will be further reduced.

While I believe in having an eye to the longer term, there are so many potential variables for the future that it is more sensible to get what you can.

You have said that you have come to an agreement which he has signed. As this document is not legally binding I sincerely hope he doesn't renege on it.

Fyi, he cannot be forced to sell any of his possessions in order to fund child maintenance and you are best advised to consult a solicitor in order to make your informal agreement legally binding. I would also suggest you look into registering an interest in his house on behalf of your ds.

He cannot be forced to sell any assets to give you child Maintenance. If he also has 0 income As he’s not working then your also entitled to zero maintenance.
If he gets benefits then you may be entitled to something like £5 a week from them.

Also the ‘friend’ of yours doesn’t actually sound much like a friend and more of a someone you just know of, he doesn’t have to tell you and you’re not entitled to know who he’s seeing.

This chap is taking you for a ride & manipulates you through your child

He isn’t self employed, he’s unemployed or on sick leave

But didn’t you say you used to live in London and then you left after the split and moved 250 miles away? I’m not too sure how you expect anyone to coparent and give you a break from 250 miles away, much less someone with a difficult, chronic condition. Perhaps I have misunderstood this bit though...

I’m pleased you requested CM. He sounds like a total chancer to me, even when he does see your DS for ‘4-5 days a month’ it’s in your home so you don’t get any real personal space away. It’s a little like having a live-in nanny for a few days a month really.

Also agree with PP who said he had literally millions of local women to potentially meet and date but chose your friend? Such a peach.

Just to answer some questions because I hate it when posters tell half a story...

The friend was a proper friend- not “go on holiday together” but definitely “share intimate stories” “pop in for coffee” kind of friend

She’s unlikely to have children- post menopausal and has an adult daughter (exDP is 55 so not an age gap romance)

The monthly access has been in place for 3 years, and works well for everyone at the moment. It is not and never has been a “forever” arrangement, but has been the deal until DS is old enough to be in London with his father, and not be endangered if exDP becomes suddenly ill- agreement was that at that point, DS would spend one weekend in London a month, and exDP would come here once a month OR that exDP would move here and would have daily access after school (basically covering childcare 3.30 until 5.30 when I get home from work)
DS is well used to the arrangement and speaks to his dad on FaceTime 3 or 4 times a week inbetween times

I moved so far away because this is my home town. I had debilitating post natal mental health problems that exDP was exacerbating (accused me of wanting to harm our son when I confessed to intrusive thoughts etc). I came here because my family are here. As it turns out the support from them (despite promises) has been negligible and I would have been better staying in London near my friend support network but am now priced out.

Spoke to exDP about a will many times. He isn’t dragging his feet for any reason other than he finds “admin” of any kind (Accounts, legal etc) hard to navigate - always had an assistant who dealt with that stuff until he had to lay her off

His job was (is?) in a successful craft/ architectural field- can’t say what a it’s small world and he’s well known within it. His health problems have made it impossible to continue, but he’s done it for 30 years and has severe dyslexia so retraining for a more sedentary job is tricky- he does do occasional lecturing, (the “community” he’s off of is effectively an informal collective of artists/ friends who have shared studio space for decades)

Definitely said too much now- but hopefully contextualises a bit

No benefits. Living on small amount of inherited family money/ assets

I’m sorry you’ve had a hard time, but you chose to move so far away from your ex, so realistically there is very little he can do to help you out. Would you consider moving closer?

"Spoke to exDP about a will many times. He isn’t dragging his feet for any reason other than he finds “admin” of any kind (Accounts, legal etc) hard to navigate - always had an assistant who dealt with that stuff until he had to lay her off"

I am afraid I would make it clear to him that his child deseves some long term reassurances and it is his duty as a parent to make a will. We made one when dd was three. We thought about who would care for her if we both died! It was a miserable jib but I believe every parent needs to do all this. Especially if he has a 'new" erson in his life, IMHO. But he could still change it so shy Doran-t he make some financial provision now.

person

Yanbu op, you wouldn't be human if you didn't feel upset by this. She is not a friend at all, it's been going on for nine months so they had ample opportunity to tell you. How did you find out incidentally?

As for him turning their secrecy around on you by bringing up your pnd, he sounds nasty and cowardly.

I think he doesn't know how good he has it and I am delighted you are drawing up formal contracts now.

Once the hurt passes I guess you might see an upside. You don't have to be 'responsible' for him anymore. Perhaps they might both come and stay in a hotel.

And sadly, you don't get a say in who he dates even though it is highly distasteful for him to have pursued a friend of yours. Big hugs to you.

OP, I can see how your access arrangement works. On an emotional level there’s you supporting and making concessions for him and his vulnerabilities (I use that term guardedly because he actually sounds like one of those entitled, creative special snowflake types - I find them deluded and so very dull). The problem with this is it hurts when the ex doesn’t show you the same courtesy (looks out for himself). Been there, though, and got the T-shirt.

I went into therapy and this gave my head a wobble. What is needed here is he provides for his son. Take a leaf from his book - he is showing you how it’s done! Bollox can he not write a will or put his hand in his pocket. This friend is not your friend any more. His relationship with her is irrelevant.

You’d do better to find ways to support yourself and not need to lean on this loser. Maybe build relationships with mums and come up with some reciprocal childcare arrangement, widen your circle a bit.

Glad you’ve taken steps in this direction.