ExDP “seeing” one of my friends ... Aibu?

[TheSheepofWallSt]

ExDP lives in London, where we lived together until I had DS (now 3) and our relationship fell apart.

He comes up once a month, stays in my house for 3-5 days and spends the time with DS. We eat meals together and we’re civil, but I use this as an opportunity to catch up on work, sleep, long baths etc. It works for us.

ExDP is self employed and has been unable to work for 2 years- living on savings frugally, (owns home outright so that’s fine) and I’ve waived any maintenance requests etc. in response to this.

ExDP had been considering selling up, downsizing and moving to our new town, so he could be more hands on with DS and share childcare - freeing up money for me and DS (I’m in awful debt from covering all nursery fees for 2 years). All of a sudden he doesn’t want to.

Something prompted me to ask him “are you seeing someone in London?” ... and of course he is.
And she’s a friend of mine. Not a close friend, but a friend. And it’s been going on for 9 months. we’ve talked about this friend in that time, and not once has he said anything.

I’m really upset- partly because he no longer wants to be more hands on with DS. Partly because he kept this from me. And partly because he said he hadn’t told me because “he was worried about my reaction”. I would have been fine, if he’d told me of his own accord- but he says things like that because after I had DS I had PNA and PND, and I was a bit volatile. But that was years ago- he just uses it as a stick to beat me with.

Aibu to be upset?

If he has this massive house is there a reason he can’t have a lodger and pay you some of that income as child support?

You are calling her a ‘friend’ but if I’m reading it right, she lives 250 miles away and you haven’t seen her since you moved? Even when you lived near her you weren’t close friends? And the connection is now so tenuous you aren’t even sure when she stopped following you on SM? IMO, that’s not a current friend that’s someone you used to know so YABU to be unhappy he is seeing her.

This whole situation is messy and unboundaried. You refer to him as an ex but for part of the month you live and function like any other couple. You also seem to be taking an active role in his life and health care despite the geographical distance between you.

I agree that some counselling would be useful to you. You need to work out who you are now and what you need in the future. At the moment your life (as you describe it here) seems to be full of regret and living in the past. Given the circumstances you describe, full of ill health and co-dependence, thats completely understandable but it’s not healthy. Counselling could give you some perspective and help you move on.

I think you just have to come to terms with the fact that he doesn’t really see the child as his responsibility. It’s that simple.

I’m not surprised he’s an artist type. I’ve known them all my life and most of the men are utterly unable to cope with normal life and responsibilities.