Trying for a baby after 43

[84wood]

Hello

I’m looking for experiences and posting here for traffic. Hope that’s ok. But if you’ve tried for a baby without IVF after 43, what is your experience?

I’m a fit and healthy 43 year old. I’m considering a second child for my only DC who would love a sibling.

I’ve done my research and it’s risky because of my age and I certainly don’t expect to fall pregnant with the ease of a 20 or 30 year old woman. So even if I try it might not happen and I wouldn’t sign up for IVF.

I posted some time ago about whether you’d have a baby at 45 and I got some interesting opinions and there seemed to be a divide between those who chose to have children in their 20s and 30s, and those who were older.

I just wasn’t in a position to have children younger. I’m truly divided about what to do because the research is so negative for older mothers and I worry that I might open myself up for a lot of upset but in truth I’d really like to try for another baby.

Thanks for reading and for any experiences you are able to share.

I ttc at 42.3 and had a dc at 43.2. Ttc again at 44 and had 3 chemicals and a mmc at 8 weeks a week before 45 . Dr said it was unlikely I would end up with a baby.
Many will tell you stories of healthy babies at 45+. But don't think it will be easily achieved..

Hi OP. I had my first at 39 and started trying again at 40, not having the benefit of time. I fell pregnant 3 times over a 12 month timeframe. Basically, we were successful conceiving every time, but the first 2 didn't have happy endings. I lost them at 12 and 8 weeks.

I'm 21 weeks now with fingers toes and everything crossed. Some people will sail through with no problems, but MCs have definitely been the reality for me rather than not being able to conceive. I don't know how many times I could put myself and my partner through that. I think you have to follow your heart, but go in with your eyes wide open. We're due to have a little girl in June but I'll still be on tenterhooks until she arrives.

• Trying and failing takes over your life and makes every month a rollercoaster of emotion in which you convince yourself that you’re pregnant this time, and then discover you’re not.
• Scheduled sex plus the repeated mutual disappointment grinds down your relationship.
• It makes you resent everyone you know who isn’t having this struggle.
• If you long for a baby the above won’t matter to you, nor will it matter what internet strangers think.
• maybe agree to try for a set period of time like 6-12 months. But a happier path would probably be adoption or even embryo adoption / donor eggs. The problem is, as my IVF doctor said, “there is no such thing as a great forty year old egg: all the best eggs are released when you are younger and with what you have left it’s a long shot.”
• Sorry not to be more cheerful, I wish you all the best. Basically it’s a gamble which you are very unlikely to win, if you do the reward is tremendous but if you don’t it can ruin years of your life trying.

(FYI, There is literally no way to tell if your eggs are good or not, other than ttc / IVF. The hormone tests can tell you if your body tried to release eggs, but not if they were any good.)

My mother got pregnant five times between 42 and 45 and had two babies, the second born when she was 46. Both of us were healthy babies. Every story will be anecdotal but obviously it can and does happen for some women. I hope you are one of them.

I had 2 healthy pregnancies in my 30s. In the first 2.5y of my 40s I've had a miscarriage, a tfmr for severe chromosomal issues at 18w, a chemical pregnancy, and a missed miscarriage detected at 11weeks last week, followed by a massive haemorrhage and surgery. It's been quite a strain. I doubt we will try again. I just feel heartbroken and also aware that I could easily have died and left my children motherless.

Having said all that, I understand only too well the drive to have another baby. You could easily be one of the lucky ones. But go into it with your eyes open regarding the emotional and physical risks. Good luck.

I had my third child when I was 44, it was my easiest pregnancy in the end but as I’d had 3 mc before that I was so nervous for the first few months. I needed a few growth scans but it was all fine.

Several of my mummy friends had their LOs after the age of 40-45 with no problems. As long as you're fit and healthy you go into this without any unrealistic expectations then go for it. Don't be disappointed if it doesn't work out but if it does then that's great!

I had our DD at 41 after a mmc. Then had a blighted ovum at 42.
It took a year to get pregnant again, and I'm now 44 and 27 weeks pregnant. It's been an easy pregnancy so far, just shattered as I have a nearly 3 year old to look after too this time.
I am terrified that things will go wrong again, but trying to stay positive.

Placemarking.

Also a colleague just had her first baby at 45! I know it was an incredibly stressful pregnancy for her, but ultimately a positive outcome.

Regardless of age...

I’m considering a second child for my only DC who would love a sibling.

You don't have babies for other people.

I had my first two children mid thirties, and my youngest DS 3 months before 43. Hes well and healthy. It was all fine for us and we are very lucky.

Wishing you all the best and I hope it works out.

You've seen the stats. The first sensible thing to do would be to go to a clinic and get your eggs and sperm checked out. If you have no chance of success from the outset, which is quite likely, you'd be better off knowing, rather than wishing in vain.

I have 4 kids and my first MC at 43. I did loads of reading on conception after 40/45. The odds are 50:50 for MC due to the eggs age. But ultimately the chances of getting pg arent really the 1% they quite. Because lots of 40-45 year olds in these states are trying for the first time. They might have been infertile for decades before and never knew.

So my take is that getting pg might be easy ( second month of trying for me at 43) but MC rate is definitely not good.

With regards to ivf with your own eggs at your age, from.what the councilling Midwife told me, that is very close to zero. Not least because the eggs shatter when the needle goes in but also because all the eggs arent great. Your hyper stimulating a so so egg plus a lot of very unfavourable eggs.

At 43 itwould be donor eggs but that brings your odds back to age of your donor.

Oh and your thread title invites positive replies, because people who've succeeded are delighted, so happy to tell everyone. So you're going to get a massively skewed thread here.

I think it's important to keep in mind being fit and healthy doesn't make your eggs younger. You can be fit and healthy but the fact is your eggs are that of a 43 yo woman.

How patronising @WorraLiberty

One motivation for me was giving dd1 a sibling. It's ok to say that, granted not on MN, but you know, in real life.

Obviously I also wanted another DC as who the fuck would go through all that otherwise.

But do throw your thoughtful 2 pence in

How old is your child?

I personally wouldn't have a child that old but if your current child is only young then it's not going to be very different to that experience surely?
If your current child is older then there's no point in having a baby to give them company if for eg the older child will be almost a teen when dc2 is turning 3 and able to actually play with them.

I had my first at 42 (conceived at 41), took a year of ttc.

I had my second at 43 (conceived at 42) first month of ttc

I had my third at 45 just shy of my 46th birthday (conceived at 45) and was a 'surprise' as wasn't trying to conceive, just had a rare evening with DH and thought it was so unlikely I'd get pregnant at 45 we took a risk.

All three pregnancies were 'normal' and I had three healthy babies. I was put on low dose aspirin with all three pregnancies due to being over 40 and had consultant led care (NHS) rather than midwife again due to being over 40. Another NHS rule is baby has to be delivered by 40 weeks if you're over 40 (not sure if every hospital follows this rule).

The problem with asking this question on MN is you will get posters demonising you for even considering having a baby over 40 because they had their children in their 20's and over 40 is far too old in their opinion. But not everyone is in the right position or wants to have children in their 20's or even 30's. I didn't meet DH until I was 36 and we didn't decide to start a family until I was 40.

Feel free to ask me anything.

@DroppedBoxxedRuth I wouldn't waste my breath if I were you.

We wanted a 2nd and it didnt happen, didn't happen until I gave up hope and gave almost everything away. Then I relaxed .. and it happened. Had after a hellish pregnancy at 44.

Would stopping using protection and leaving things to unfold as they will, work for you?

I don't think there's anything wrong at all in wanting to give your only a sibling, as long as you want the baby too.

The problem with asking this question on MN is you will get posters demonising you for even considering having a baby over 40 because they had their children in their 20's and over 40 is far too old in their opinion

I have to say, I do struggle to push the buggy at times. The zimmerframe does tend to get in the way.

OP it is pretty easy to weed them out. They're the ones that quote statistics like "virtually no chance" and whatnot, and talk about chromosomal abnormalities like they're a virtual certainty, rather than a minority of cases that increases with age, yes, but is still a minority nonetheless.

I found zero bad attitudes in the real world, but they seem to abound on here with the keyboard warriors.

My mum had me at 43, she is now 80. I'm still juggling my own young children and a demanding job with having to provide care and help for my mum as my dad died over 10 years ago. You might be able to have a baby in your forties but I do think it is unfair once they are adults and have very old parents whilst still young but that's just my opinion

I found zero bad attitudes in the real world, but they seem to abound on here with the keyboard warriors.

Completely agree.

I had two teenage dds when I had an accidental pregnancy at 39. It ended with miscarriage and was a shock to us both.

That said my very young dd1 discovered she was pregnant not long afterwards and simply could not cope with the baby. I ended up bringing her two sons up so I had a second family so to speak in my forties. It was a difficult time for many reasons.

I know your post is about conceiving but you need to think about other issues as well. I found my forties fine with two babies energy wise, but when we moved schools, my age was noticeable and I was worried the boys would be embarassed. They never were and now as teenagers they will both happily go out shopping with me etc.

However, I am now later fifties and when I look back at pictures of the boys, I honestly do not know how I did it. You have to think that you will be later fifties when they are teenagers and it is not easy. I feel I have run out of steam at 58 and although I am involved in all aspects of their lives, I feel I am letting them down.

Their aunt and uncle love taking them on days out to Alton Towers, Blackpool etc whereas I now hate all of this. I am really grateful to them - they see it as getting the best bits!

Just a perspective from someone who has brought up two families. My friend has four boys, the youngest two 15 years after the first two. Whilst younger than me, she has gone back to work full time to support Uni fees etc in her fifties.

There’s so much more to consider than just having a baby though.

You’re 43 now so even if you conceive straight away you’ll be 44/45 when the baby’s born, that means that you’ll be 60 with a sixteen year old, and needing to find the money to put them through university in your 60’s.

Added to which they will have elderly parents when they’re still young and likely raising families of their own.

Everyone says “well, anyone can fall ill at any time,” which is true, but age is a guarantee.

I’ve said this before but I think we’re on the verge of ending up with a grandparentless generation because of women choosing to have their children so late who then also have their children late meaning the grandparents have either died or suffering from various conditions, dementia, heart failure etc.