Trying for a baby after 43

[84wood]

Hello

I’m looking for experiences and posting here for traffic. Hope that’s ok. But if you’ve tried for a baby without IVF after 43, what is your experience?

I’m a fit and healthy 43 year old. I’m considering a second child for my only DC who would love a sibling.

I’ve done my research and it’s risky because of my age and I certainly don’t expect to fall pregnant with the ease of a 20 or 30 year old woman. So even if I try it might not happen and I wouldn’t sign up for IVF.

I posted some time ago about whether you’d have a baby at 45 and I got some interesting opinions and there seemed to be a divide between those who chose to have children in their 20s and 30s, and those who were older.

I just wasn’t in a position to have children younger. I’m truly divided about what to do because the research is so negative for older mothers and I worry that I might open myself up for a lot of upset but in truth I’d really like to try for another baby.

Thanks for reading and for any experiences you are able to share.

All you can do is try.
I had my first at 41 and am due my second in July, just after I'll have turned 43.
I got pregnant quickly and easily. Labour is never nice, but there were no age related complications.
We also want a sibling for our first child, and just feel like we'll be complete with two.
As for funding uni etc, there is such a thing as financial planning! We'll have no mortgage and it shouldn't be a problem.
In an ideal world, I'd have met my husband sooner, however I am glad I waited to have kids with someone reliable, solvent and keen to be a responsible parent.

Try and see what happens. Life is full of anecdotes - mine are:

Regarding children: my aunt met her DH at 39, they had 3 children naturally between 40-45. Kids are now 10-13 years old and all perfectly healthy and academically bright - no special needs.

A friend got pregnant at 25. Baby had severe Down’s syndrome and subsequent child at 27 had special needs.

Re Age: My grandmother is 81 and perfectly healthy and driving/babysitting her great grandchildren - doesn’t need any care. My friends father is 90 - he was 58 when she was born. He’s seen her graduate, get married, have a baby etc. Been there for it all.

My other friend has lost both parents in their early 50’s - they had her in early 20’s and missed her wedding, having a baby etc.

Basically the moral of the story is we don’t know what’s going to happen in life. You’re 43 and you want another baby. Start trying and see how you get on. I wouldn’t go to a clinic first - I’d give it 6 months then consider getting checked out. Good luck!

I think it's true about GP. My own parents were 30+ having me. Then i was 35 when i had dd2. Now they are 70+ and 1 had heart issues and the other cancer.

That is quite a diff to when mums had kids at 23/25 meaning gp around 50yo.

I found zero bad attitudes in the real world, but they seem to abound on here with the keyboard warrior

Wow. So naive. They just aren't saying it to your face.

Or maybe those kind of people just don't get out much in the real world, thankfully. Just sit on forums like this one is waiting to purge their venom.

I will admit energy is an issue, though I've a number of health problems anyways.

But you do have more experience

I do think it is unfair once they are adults and have very old parents whilst still young but that's just my opinion

It's a shit load more unfair not to be born for such a reason. What are you thinking, only people between ages 25 - 35 can have kids?

Wannakisstheteacher

Wow. So naive. They just aren't saying it to your face.

Or perhaps I mix with people who are mature, educated, wanted to achieve some of their life goals and be in a stable career, stable relationship and equally stable financial position before starting a family.

I don't mix with people who 'aren't saying it to my face'.

Miscarriage would be my worry. So I'd do everything I could to minimise that. I'd recommend reading the book 'It starts with an egg'.

If people I know irl are saying nasty things behind my back, I really couldn't give a shiny shit.
I'd love to know so that I could cut them out of my life but that's about it.

If you want a baby there is no harm in trying for one. My landlord fell pregnant accidentally at 49. My friends step mother fell pregnant accidentally at 54!
My suggestion to you would be to make sure you take vitamins for a period before you start trying to make sure you have all the right nutrients for a healthy baby

Thank you all for your kind comments.

I definitely intend to keep trying for a set period of 6 or 12 months. I’m also going to start the vitamin regime early too!

I’m aware that my chances are slim.

But really good to hear a mixed view from people who have had later families.

Thank you again.

@Wannakisstheteacher In the last role I did I had women talking about their children who were around 10 then revealing they were 50-55. I also talk to older mothers at some of the hobbies I do.

So yes it is an older mother issue with keyboard warriors on MN.

the same stuff always gets said on here every time & there's some truth in it; 35 is a good time to have a baby; 40 is dicy; 45 is...

...45 is away and shite.

I'm 45, I had my first and only at 42, and I'm way more energetic, involved, and healthy than a lot of the mothers I meet who are ten years younger, overweight, sedentary, and intellectually bored. I know I'm older, so i take good care of myself and plan for my financial and medical future in a mature and logical fashion.

You know the chances of you conceiving naturally at 45 are very slim, Op, as are the chances of giving birth to a child at 46, and presumably you know that there's a much higher chance of your child being disabled or otherwise having special needs. If you've sincerely weighed up those chances and decided that you'll be ok whatever the outcome, than go for it. If you think you wouldn't be able to cope with a disabled child, or with multiple miscarriages/still-births, than don't.

my mum had her third at 44.

my cousin is having her second at 40.

There's a good thread on the conception forum here for 40's TTC.

They have good things to say about Ubiquinol/Q10.

Fwiw when I was a child/teenager both our neighbour and my classmates mum fell pregnant naturally at 45, both kids are in their 20s now. We were horrified that people that old had sex 😄.

Actually my great aunt had my second cousin at 45, here in Northern Ireland/Ireland that was pretty common until recently.

No personal experience but I have a close friend who conceived her second child at 45 , but she did have 3 early miscarriages while she was trying, so it's harder but not impossible.
Doing family history I also noticed that a lot of last babies were born when their mums were 45/46. Good luck.

I'm 45, I had my first and only at 42, and I'm way more energetic, involved, and healthy than a lot of the mothers I meet who are ten years younger, overweight, sedentary, an4d intellectually bored.

Cue the bashing of younger mothers who dared to embark on a family earlier than you. I always hear this from older mums talking about younger mums. I had my children in my late 20s. I owned my home outright, had savings and a career, spent most of my life and childhood travelling, was married had 2 Masters degrees and now a PhD but by virtue of being in my 30s with children I'm "intellectually bored". Nice!

It would be nice if you could be confident in your decision to start a family later in life.

Also I have realised the women on MN who have discovered the elixir of youth at 40 and are the absolute picture of health and will easily run about with a toddler in their 50s are the same ones to look down on any woman in her 20s or 30s with a DH in their 40s and tell them their DH will be too tired to help with the kids and he is marrying a built-in-carer. Funny that men over 40age so rapidly on MN but the women at 60 are in better shape than most 20 year olds.

Posted too quickly.

Good luck OP.

You said you are aware of all the pros and cons so noone can or should dissuade you.

I hope everything goes well for you and your family.

@Hydroflotation ? My husband is 8 years older than me at 53. If he thinks he's getting a built-in carer, he's sadly mistaken.

i am confident in my decision to start a family later in life, thank you. And Im not tarring all mothers who are younger than me with the same brush, just as I'd hope you'd not lump all us older mothers together, although some have already done it on this thread.

I'm saying that being an older mother doesn't necessarily mean that you're an exhausted grey-haired spectre at the school gates, as a lot of the negative comments on this thread have implied, if not outright stated.

My father at 80 is in a lot better shape than some sixty-year-olds. That doesn't mean that I think the pension age should be pushed to 78.

Difficult to sound mature mid-rant about ‘always hearing this from older mothers’ whilst equating home ownership to intellectual and emotional maturity isn’t it....

I was older having all mine I suppose. 34 with DD1, 37 with DD2 and 44 with DS. I’m neither better nor worse a mother than those younger (or older) than I on account of age. Fertility will decrease with age, but given most women don’t know their base line fertility such thoughts are fairly meaningless. Age is genuinely just a number. There is so much more that is important.

Difficult to sound mature mid-rant about ‘always hearing this from older mothers’ whilst equating home ownership to intellectual and emotional maturity

Of course, enjoy your digs at my immaturity.

The only reason financial stability, education or career are mentioned is because of comments like "Well, I chose education/my career/being financially stable etc. instead of wasting my life and having children at your age". Well some young people, actually accomplish those things before they have children, so why bring it up? (Of course some don't)

I've never heard anyone my age disparage older mums or go on about their "superior fertility"- (sarcasm) but SOME older mums seem to take delight in pointing out perceived weaknesses that younger mothers have and how and why they are better. Why not just say this is what I chose for myself and it works instead of I'm a better mother than that dumb 20 year old because I have more money, a nicer house and better holidays. That smacks of insecurity to me.

Anyway, best of luck to OP. I hope you have a new addition soon and do hope it all goes well. Like many have said on this thread age it has worked well for them and I hope it does for you too.

When I was pregnant at 36 the odds I was given of having a baby with Downs was 1 in 32,000. At 38 it was 1 in 250. I had 4 pregnancies to get 2 healthy babies.

I think you should think hard about your attitude to giving birth to such a baby and whether you are happy that you could cope - not just in the short term but also through into their adult life. Or whether you would terminate the pregnancy. It's not just whether you can conceive but the chances of a healthy birth. Do your research and think hard.