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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to ask how you cope?

69 replies

SippingTea · 09/02/2020 14:16

Posting in AIBU for traffic. Just thinking after reading the thread about taking mental health days off work.... Something one of the posters mentioned was the importance of building resilience and having strategies for getting through the tough times, rather than trying to avoid difficulties in life. While I guess this is obvious, I struggle with it and am often overwhelmed by worries. So please may I ask - what are your coping strategies? How do you manage when life is hard? Do you feel resilient? If so, how did you come to feel this way? I’m 40 and still struggle to cope when things get difficult. Any advice, strategies etc would be hugely welcome.

OP posts:
georgialondon · 09/02/2020 14:19

I have good emotional resilience along with my siblings. But I largely think it's thanks to my parents and upbringing rather than anything else. I know that's not very helpful

Threeflyingducks · 09/02/2020 14:40

I consider myself resilient, but some of it is healthy resilience, some less so! I say that because part of my resilience comes from enduring a bad childhood, which means I have been through things that have made me stronger, but can lead to me having low standards/being a bit disconnected.

Its a subject we discuss a lot in my line of work & I like the idea that resilience is not a personal characteristic, it's a network. My own resilience is having a life & interests outside work, a couple of good friendships, exercise. Specifically to me, I have a lot of guilt about money so I use a budgeting app so I know where it's going and don't beat myself up. I practice good habits for mental health, like getting outdoors even if I don't feel like it, and having plants in my home.

I know all those things might seem a bit odd or generalised, but resilience is the ability to bounce back when things are tough, and all of those things help me to do so. Being resilient doesn't mean you don't feel things, or that you endure without question or complaint (something managers in my sector have long been criticised for promoting!)

SippingTea · 09/02/2020 18:01

Thanks both, that’s really insightful. @Threeflyingducks I must admit I think I’ve always felt resilience is not feeling things so deeply but I guess it’s more about building yourself up enough to bounce back by having measures in place to support you when things are too much. I have often had worries etc and carry on as normal outside whilst feeling like a terrified child inside. I will take some of the things you do on board and read up a bit on the subject.

OP posts:
Bihye · 09/02/2020 18:05

I think self-compassion and self-care are vital. Those that had loving childhoods have this built into them, but those that didn't need to learn it.

Recognising you're feeling overwhelmed and then taking steps to feel better doesn't come naturally to lots of people, but the more you practice the easier it becomes!

I have to make sure I eat well, exercise, and do things that make me feel fulfilled :) that all helps.

NotJustACigar · 09/02/2020 18:11

I do yoga every morning and try to go for a walk in a lovely park near my work at lunchtime. I find both of these really helpful.

midgebabe · 09/02/2020 18:18

I have to exercise and eat well.
Remember times I have felt bad in the past. Be proud of getting through
Make time for myself, even if it's just enjoying the luxury feeling before sleeping
I have a notebook by my bed for nighttime worries

midgebabe · 09/02/2020 18:22

And struggling to cope , yeah a lot of people are like ducks looking in control and then having a paddy/weep when it's safe to do so

Lolaholax · 09/02/2020 18:23

I’m a really resilient and strong person but I’ve recenty taken days off work for ‘mental health’ as I’ve been so swamped with work that I’ve been utterly miserable and have completely felt lost in myself.
The two aren’t incompatible- you can be strong and still know when to take time out. Sometimes you need to be strong in order to admit you need to take time for yourself. We are human beings, we have feelings and to put yourself and your wellbeing above work and other priorities does not make you weak or precious. Sometimes it’s just not as simple as ‘building techniques for resilience’ or ‘just get on with it, don’t run from your problems’. Sometimes mental health days and time away from your problems gives you time to re-evaluate, understand what’s important, what you want to achieve, what life you want to live, what standards you’re setting for yourself...do not let anyone tell you that it’s a weakness. Everyone needs time away!

Boozeless · 09/02/2020 18:29

I don't know to be honest. I just cope because I don't have a choice & there is no support available. I am the support for everyone else, but for me there is nothing. Sad How I haven't ended up as a basket case I have no idea.

EssentialHummus · 09/02/2020 18:31

I’m very much a “this too shall pass” type of person. It usually works, helps me to keep perspective. I also imagine how I’d treat a friend/family member who was feeling like I was - I’d probably suggest an early night/chocolate/good meal/little gift or some other self care thing. And then I do the same for myself.

GeorgieTheGorgeousGoat · 09/02/2020 18:33

Fake it ‘til I make it

Anastasiaqueensouth · 09/02/2020 18:34

This might sound cheesy but I found a load of positive quotes on google and wrote them down in my pocket diary and took screenshots of them on my phone. When I’m anxious, I look at them and they help me take a step back and understand that nothing is too big to overcome

Reginabambina · 09/02/2020 18:35

I ask myself what is the worst thing that could possibly happen? Let’s say I under perform at work. I get fired. I can’t find a new job. I go bankrupt. So what? I know a few people who’ve gone bankrupt and are millionaires again a few years later. Not a big deal. Sometimes all you have to do is confront your fears to realise just how trivial they are. Unless you are worrying about something that is life and death you’re wasting your mental energy.

UnaCorda · 09/02/2020 18:35

I don't class myself as particularly resilient, so I try to insure against things falling apart by being on top of stuff (so that it's not a disaster if I find myself unable to cope with life for a few days) and building in plenty of downtime. I also take medication for anxiety which helps a lot.

I also avoid situations which could end in catastrophe, so haven't dated for a long time.

puds11 · 09/02/2020 18:37

I cope because every day my life is getting better. Now that I can see the positive changes I strive more for it if that makes sense. Things that would have gotten me down before don’t affect me as much. I am going to actively try to change my mind set to a naturally more positive mind set but this will take time. Exercise is helping immensely.

Itwasntme1 · 09/02/2020 18:43

I think emotional resilience is a bit of a myth. People will announce they have emotional resilience and can be quite smug about how strong they are.

I though I was quite emotionally resilient until I was put into an extreme situation, and I broke.

I truly hope this never happens to people like @georgialondon, but to be honest it can happen to anyone. You can cope in some situations but be overwhelmed by others, and there is no way to predict it.

All you can do is be kind to yourself. Acknowledge every situation is temporary and ensure you Have a good support network.

Don’t set yourself up to be strong or resilient, allow yourself to have feelings, but know when they are overwhelming you, and have a plan in place. I had a counsellor when it was bad, now I have a good friend who i can talk to about anything.

It does get better.

Itwasntme1 · 09/02/2020 18:46

I was actually quite offended by @georgialondon post.

It’s quite an old fashioned and damaging attitude, if you are brought up well you will be able to cope. I really hope all the mental awareness campaigns are breaking down this type of ignorance.

user18463585026 · 09/02/2020 18:54

Do you expect your physical health and wellbeing to be perfect at all times without action from you? No, you feed yourself, you rest, you keep active, you see the dentist, wash your hands, take vitamins or medications when you need it, take care of yourself when ill, seek medical help if you have an injury, and you recognise that sometimes it's just luck (either good or bad).

Your mental wellbeing and physical wellbeing are connected so some of the things you do to care for one helps the other.

There are some unhealthy and toxic attitudes to mental wellbeing, mental health, and mental illness on here at times so take things with a pinch of salt.

Being kind to yourself and recognising that you're a human being with emotions helps! Emotions are internal communication. They can be useful if we learn to listen to them instead of pushing them away and suppressing them (which is a recipe for illness!).

If the worrying is causing you difficulties then there are resources specifically for that you could use. No shame in that. You can self refer for IAPT CBT which is for mild difficulties. There are CBT resources online based on CBT (try googling "cci looking after yourself anxiety" ) and the "books on prescription" scheme has titles you could look at.

There are skills you can learn, strategies you can develop, activities you can choose, connections with others you can build, and some of it is luck as to the hand life deals you.

crystal1717 · 09/02/2020 18:58

I think resilience is a bit of a myth. Everyone's lives have ups and downs. I remember reading that Margaret Thatcher used to cry privately before speeches and she was PM and seemed very tough.
I used to be more resilient before DC. Water off a ducks back, long hours etc.
Now I'm the opposite of resilient as my kids have to come first as I'm all the family they have. Career has suffered quite badly as a result and I have bad days with MH but tend to bounce back. Be kind to yourself. Try not to compare self with others. There's always worse off. It could be worse etc.

user18463585026 · 09/02/2020 19:00

I think emotional resilience is a bit of a myth. People will announce they have emotional resilience and can be quite smug about how strong they are.

I very much agree with this and the rest of your post. It's casual stigma and I really hate the way it's used by some. There is a lot of ignorance and prejudice still about mental health and mental illness.

I'm sorry for what you've been through, Itwasntme1

georgialondon · 09/02/2020 19:01

@Itwasntme1 I really think you need to build on your emotional resilience a bit more if my post offends you.

It's not an old fashioned view at all. I find your point of view puzzling. But it doesn't offend me!

Arrowfanatic · 09/02/2020 19:03

I lean on my husband & my friends, also martial arts helps because I put on that gi & black belt & the world melts away & I just focus on that. Afterwards I always feel better prepared to deal with lifes crap.

Yogawoogie · 09/02/2020 19:05

@georgialondon could mean that she had an awful upbringing along with her siblings so they’ve built resilience from that. Don’t jump on her without knowing more.

Op, I’m far from resilient but I do try. I practice daily yoga and medication. I read and walk daily. I try to eat well, I practice good sleep hygiene.
Basically I do all the things that the tin tells you to do, it doesn’t always save me but I like to think it helps.

crystal1717 · 09/02/2020 19:07

Sorry @Itwasntme1
I think I didn't read the full thread properly x
No intention to copy your post.
I 100% thought my line 1 was my own words
Sorry x

puppymouse · 09/02/2020 19:08

I am the same age as you OP and am also a worrier. Hope some of this helps...

I have a very supportive family and DH around me but I've reflected on this a lot over the last few years. It has cropped up a lot at work as it's very obvious when I am stressed.

This was a development issue as far as my employer was concerned until we had a major restructure and suddenly I was the one cracking on, fighting for a role and coming out better than ever. It's kind of turned things on their head now as what people perceived as weakness all along was actually me getting rid of my stress, feeling angry or frustrated (I cry when I feel this way) and being open about my fears. Amazing what not forcing yourself to put on a brave face all the time can do for keeping your mind healthier imo.

I would say my go to mantras are:

Let it out somehow: talk, cry, vent (obviously with care about hurting others around you).

Have time for you and an outlet. My horse is my everything when it comes to de-stressing. I would say animals and children are great reality checks and force us to live in the moment and be practical.

Write lists and talk yourself through scenarios. For example I like to know the worst case so I can mentally prepare.

Block scary things that aren't happening out until they happen. E.g. if I know I have to do something I'm anxious about on Saturday I will ignore it until Friday eve/Saturday morning.

Live every day and notice little things. I live very rurally because it makes me happy but sunshine, hillsides, fresh air and space regenerate me and take my mind of worries.

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