AIBU to ask how you cope?

[SippingTea]

Posting in AIBU for traffic. Just thinking after reading the thread about taking mental health days off work.... Something one of the posters mentioned was the importance of building resilience and having strategies for getting through the tough times, rather than trying to avoid difficulties in life. While I guess this is obvious, I struggle with it and am often overwhelmed by worries. So please may I ask - what are your coping strategies? How do you manage when life is hard? Do you feel resilient? If so, how did you come to feel this way? I’m 40 and still struggle to cope when things get difficult. Any advice, strategies etc would be hugely welcome.

I think I'm pretty resilient. Have faced some tough times including losing my DM in a car accident with very complicated circumstances. Having to sort her estate, empty and sell the family home, whilst working as a nurse and caring for two DC. I'd already lost my DF aged 54. A brother I don't see.
I'm massively practical. A real list maker. Ironically, qualities learnt from my DM. I was back to work within three weeks. Three years later, no counselling, no medication, no anxieties. I don't know if that's healthy or not in the long run.

I’m not resilient but getting better at it (just as well as I developed a life-limiting illness a couple of years ago). I imagine a ship being battered by waves but keeping on steering on a straight course. How I try to achieve this practically is by sticking to a routine, as much as I can, with lots of exercise and self-care. I also try to treat my flat as my retreat from the outside world. When I find myself worrying about things I can change in the future (illness and death) I try to distract myself, even if only with a colouring app. Good luck.

Can’t change not can change!

I think it's down to upbringing. I never saw my parents break down or not cope with anything, so I couldnt act that way myself. I know a young girl who is very melodramatic at the slightest thing, and her Mother is too, I think she has learnt that behaviour.

P.S. I also put practical things in place for the worst case scenario, while hoping for better than the worst case.

I think it is possible to learn resilience, but it is only part of an overall package. And it's not foolproof. It would be very smug, and frankly clueless, of anyone to say 'I would never break under pressure, because I'm just so resilient'.

I spent my 20s frankly miserable, because I just couldn't see a way out of anything, and every setback seemed insurmountable. In my case, a lot of it was feelings of worthlessness, and lack of confidence. So, eg I constantly worried about money and career (or lack, thereof), to the point of making myself seriously ill, whilst simultaneously believing that I was so worthless I didn't deserve either.

In my 40s I have dealt with stress, bereavement, lack of time, health worries, worries about my children (who doesn't have those!) and nursing elderly parents (one of whom has since died), family troubles, and the overall state of the world. But in all honesty I cope because 1) I feel like even my worst day doesn't feel anywhere near as bad as my lowest ebb in my 20s and 2) I know that my children rely on me which gives me strength that I didn't previously have and 3) because I take my medication faithfully.

And I also think “What would x do?” I often pretend I’m Hillary Clinton/Michelle Obama/Emily Maitlis (random) and then do what I think they would do.

I've had to learn it - and some days I'm more successful than others.

I am pretty ruthless about who I have in my life. I have gone VLC with some family because of the impact they have on my MH.

I make sure I get plenty of sleep and I try and get outside daily when I can - whether it's a walk with the dog or a wander round the garden (not today though!).

I use relaxation and meditation exercises when I feel anxious or like I'm on the edge of a panic attack.

I remind myself that 99% of the time people are generally thoughtless about what they say and do - it's not usually intended to deliberately hurt you, which is a reminder to myself not to overthink things and over-analyse.

I go for CBT and and EMDR to help me move on from things that stick in my head (which is the root cause of the overthinking and over-analysing).

I have just completed a year of Dialectical Behaviour Therapy - it teaches skills for emotional regulation and distress tolerance. Mindfulness is a big part of it too. I use the app Headspace. Look it up and you might find some of the skills are helpful.

I don’t think resilience is not a fixed thing in that you have it or not. Many people can cope with one serious knock but few can manage several knocks in quick succession. I suppose you can help yourself by building strong support networks to rely on when times are hard, but an expectation of recovery must come from experience, and knowing that you’ve made it so far...

Your resilience reserves can run down, too - it's not something you are or aren't, it depends on a lot of other variables as well. When you've been under a lot of stress, for a lot of years, without having the opportunity to build up your resilience reserves again, then even someone who usually crows about how resilient they are will have struggles.

X-post with Tired^ she said it much better

Saying 'oh my mental health is currently very good so I must be very emotionally resilient' is like saying 'oh I'm currently physically well so I must have an amazing immune system'. Maybe yes, but also maybe the thing that would floor you hasn't come along?

I'm not really sure what people mean by resilience - is it more about bouncing back after difficulties or coping well during difficulties or both?

I do find 'whats the worst that can happen' and 'this too shall pass' good for smaller issues.

I think prioritising physical comforts like sleep, food and temperature help a lot. Then support whether its someone to talk to actually help.

I also think that if the chemicles in your brain get unbalanced, then you need medical support and being told to build more resilience is a bit absurd.

The other thing that can help, I find, is to think of how much more some people are going though than you, e.g. people with terminal cancer and young kids.

Doing something proactive to help yourself, though this can take a huge amount of effort, depending on where you are emotionally. People calling others 'melodramatic' and 'not emotionally resilient enough' is not helpful. We all get pushed too far sometimes. I find that those people who take time to process things (or don't claim to be ultra- resilient superhumans who completely have their shit together) can be nicer to hang out with and more considerate.

It's ok to not be ok sometimes.
Things that help me:
Early nights when needed, meditation/ reading before bed, limiting screen time, self care, seeing friends, no pressure or rush to be 100%. I also think there's truth in fake it til you make it x

I have a panic disorder (it's a bit like anxiety) which means coping isn't really a thing as my panic attacks simulate pain. If something sets off a panic the only way I cope is either to remove myself from a situation or hurt myself to remind my brain what real pain is (nothing brutal just like pinching). Obviously neither are very resilient but I've found that I'm far less likely to panic when my general mental health is good, and running has done wonders for that.

I think just don't take your emotions TOO seriously? Feel your feelings and then carry on. You don't necessarily have to DO anything about your emotions - they are not always the best advisor. But they are also not such a terrible thing that must be somehow overcome/pushed back/avoided. They are just feelings. No more, no less. Acknowledge them and continue.

There's not really such a thing as coping or not coping. Life continues to happen whatever we feel about it, and nobody is coming to save you. It's just you. There is only living or dying.

I won't share how I learned this as I think there's some high temperature responses already. But it's useful to know. Good luck xx

Getting lots of sleep is good (though often wishful thinking in my case) and talking about your worries and problems rather than squashing them down. Making sure you get enough downtime and doing things which make you happy. I think it also helps if you can dig deep and identify and separate out what is really bothering you the most, because then you can take steps to deal with those things.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories, views, and coping mechanisms. @Egghead68 you’ve give me some fantastic advice. I like the ship idea, and the thought of imagining I’m someone else and thinking about what they would do.

@isabellerossignol I’m so sorry for all you’ve been through. Your strength is amazing.

I’m so sorry for your struggles @Itwasntme1. Thank you for sharing and for advising. So many other massively helpful viewpoints and stories too. It’s reassuring that most people aren’t resilient by nature, I always kind of felt everyone else had somehow ‘cracked it’ and I was the only one wondering how...!

Sadly my main worries relate to health anxiety so do tend to be life and death related. Much harder when I ask myself “what’s the worst that could happen?”

I’m very grateful for all the help on this thread. Good to see so many referring to medication in such an accepting and almost casual sense. I was on SSRI’s but developed an adverse reaction so can’t take them anymore. A shame as they were life changing in terms of managing my fears. Time to properly consider alternative medications, I think.

Thanks for making me feel heard and understood, everyone. I love mumsnet.

I think Lojoh’s advice is good.

Glad it’s been helpful @SippingTea!

Yes I agree that I let myself feel the feelings but then move on from them.
I’ve been through lots of trauma, some of it recent, and I definitely don’t ever try to think that certain things will get easier or will pass with time, and in many cases we don’t want them to pass. But rather I get used to what it feels like and adjust my expectations. Know that they will stay with me and that’s ok.
Talking, being honest without worrying about judgement (I have DH, friends and family I can do this with thankfully) and honestly talking out loud. I quite often will rage about something to myself in the car and I find it helps to have a little rant and a few tears and then it’s done. This is less practical now that I have a poor DS in the back thinking his mummy is mad 🤣
I think everyone has to find their own way, but knowing that you have to put one foot in front of the other the next day is key. We are but tiny specks of dust in a massive infinite universe and much of this life is absolutely matterless so focus on what is important.

@Lojoh yes, I see what you’re saying. I wish I was the type of person who could just not take it all seriously and just accept stuff. Sadly I’ve been serious about most things since I was a child.

@Abouttimemum Yes, I absolutely agree. Love the idea of saying it all out loud. Can imagine my DS’s face in the car .