AIBU to ask how you cope?

[SippingTea]

Posting in AIBU for traffic. Just thinking after reading the thread about taking mental health days off work.... Something one of the posters mentioned was the importance of building resilience and having strategies for getting through the tough times, rather than trying to avoid difficulties in life. While I guess this is obvious, I struggle with it and am often overwhelmed by worries. So please may I ask - what are your coping strategies? How do you manage when life is hard? Do you feel resilient? If so, how did you come to feel this way? I’m 40 and still struggle to cope when things get difficult. Any advice, strategies etc would be hugely welcome.

cry

go through my list of things to do, one thing at a time

In the worst times, it would be lovely to have the luxury to "self care" and listen to your feelings, but in real life, when you have a family and bills to pay, you just go one step at a time. Even if everything is too much. Kids need to be fed. It doesn't matter how you feel ,you just get on with it.
One day it gets better.

I’m quite a practical person so when things get tough, I just think of all the practical things I can do.
It works on two levels for me as 1. It stops me thinking about the actual thing as I’m looking for solutions and 2. It can help to sort things out.

There is a difference between being basically healthy , actions you can take for building and supporting that , and being so ill that you need medical help

Like building stronger muscles is one thing, where the small tears that lead to a bit of pain are fine and can be worked through and lead to greater strength, where as abig tear needs resting and physio when you have seriously torn something. And if you don't build the muscle , or you ignore training advise, you are much more likely to really hurt something

So a lot of what people here have talked about is building strength to reduce the likelihood of serious injury, and coping with the milder problems

If you get so you physically can't do that you have to get help to get everything rebalanced. It's not people being dismissive or not understanding, its recognising the different aspects of mental health

I have found the book 'Power of the Now' useful to get me through dark times and experiences. The main thing is trying not to dwell on events in the past or those that are out of your control. It is done. And not catastrophising and feeling stressed about the future: it isn't here yet. It is important to focus on what is going on right now.

Other things that have helped are doing things I find relaxing (for me, craft type activities, reading, playing guitar) or things that are immersive like roller coasters, gigs, games etc. I don't spend time with people who upset me or are unkind about others.

I sought a career that attracts like minded souls and work alongside kind and caring people.

This is possibly terrible but I often read books about wars and traumatic situations because it helps me see I am far from alone in what I have been through and in some ways am incredibly lucky.

I wish you peace OP

OP may suggest you post in the mental healthboards. While there is some brilliant advice here, there is also a lot of ignorance.

It will get better, an you will find the coping mechanisms that work for you.

Bit unfortunately mental health issues are still poorly understood, and people think it’s an issue of character, attitude or upbringing. It is so much more complex than that. Compassion and understanding would go a long way. 💐

Interesting discussion.

I'm very emotionally resilient on the surface but only because I can easily disconnect after a tough upbringing.

Dh grew up with an overprotective mother and lacks emotional resilience... I have to be the stronger one, and I don't enjoy that role all the time.

I think people with true, deep resilience have often been brought up in a secure, loving environment but have been pushed to think and act for themselves, learning how to lose as well as win and through activities like the Duke of Edinburgh scheme. They'll also have seen their parents modelling resilience.

I don't know how you learn that as an adult.

Purely a personal perspective, but a real worry used to be "what if the very worst happens and I can't cope? What if I fall apart?" And then my very worst did happen (DH died, very young) and I did fall apart...and the thing was, that was totally OK. I am no longer afraid of falling apart and breaking into pieces, because I know I have it within me to re-build myself. Not into the same person, because big stuff changes you, but into a different kind of whole.

In a smaller way, I often use the "I've done it once, I can do it again" mantra about all sorts of stuff - difficult meetings, setbacks, saving up again after the car or house eats all my money by unexpectedly needing something big...

I'm starting to be better about remembering sensible bedtimes and nourishing food have a huge impact on my general feeling of being able to handle stuff. Wishing you well, whichever path you follow - you're stronger than you think

@georgialondon I think we will agree to differ. I wouldn’t wish what I went through in my worst enemy. My therapist doesn’t think I suffered because I had poor resilience, or because of anything my parents did or didn’t do.

I do think you have a very old fashioned view of mental health, but I am happy that you had a lovely childhood (as did i) and you have enjoyed good mental health. I truly hope that this is always the case.

Oh one thing that's maybe also useful to know. We don't have to be the sort of person to do something before we can do it. We become that person by doing it.

I got this the wrong way round for at least 30 years and it was a way of thinking that hampered me enormously.

All my friends describe me as resilient. Not because I don't break but keep getting back up even when I wonder how the hell I can
Making sure I have enough sleep, taking my meds and sometimes laughing because if I didn't I would cry!
And realising sometimes that it's fine to cry and cry if you need to. As well as spotting when I am very low - I was in the bathroom washing my face and had a sudden intrusive suicidal thought. Straight to the GP that day so I could get sorted ASAP

I read recently that procrastination comes about because we're so caught up in the emotions of the whole and the answer is to turn it into small practical steps. So, going to work seems overwhelming? I'd get dressed anyway. Get in the car. Drive there. Get out of the car. Stay for an hour then leave if I want to. And so on.

@ClientQueen inspirational post😊. Good spin on emotional resilience.

I agree surviving a mental health crisis is tough, and carrying on takes more courage than some people can ever understand.

I recently had coffee with some friends, and we all opened up about what we have been through over the years. A group of pretty high achieving ladies, Half of whom discussed Bumps in the road, depression, anxiety etc. One of my amazing friends described a suicide attempt. She is he most successful, put together lady

I really do think if everyone was more Honest about their struggles then the stigmas would start to break down.

I recognise that it’s totally ok to have strong emotions about events. I don’t feel guilty. But I also recognise that these intense emotions will quickly pass so I try not to act on them. I am someone who enjoys learning new things so I book myself in for a new craft day course every two months or so. I sing regularly. I keep in touch with friends although I don’t see them as often as I would like. I value the wonder in everyday -I linger when hugging dc to sniff them and really feel the hug. I sniff the air when outside.

I am also a natural worrier and I manage my anxiety through medication. Low dose duloxetine every three days.

And I am very honest with people when I’m finding it a bit hard. I’ve had do many conversations with people as a result.

@Itwasntme1 You really have just projected so much onto my post. If you read it again you'll see.

Never mind 

@georgialondon sorry if I misinterpreted your post. I thought you had said you And your siblings good emotional resilience was a result of your upbringing. I was making the point that emotional resilience, in my understanding (and research) was more complex than this.

But if I misunderstood the point you were making then I apologise.

Prozac and diazepam. I’ll be on them forever but it’s fine. They saved my life

I’ve been thinking a bit more about this and realised that I’m always perceived to be strong by everyone around me. It is true, I think. I am strong and emotionally resilient but I think it’s gone a bit too much the other way for me.
I refuse to let anyone see any weakness in me. I always seem to know what needs to be done and just get on with it, pushing down all emotions. I can’t remember the last time I cried.
Sometimes I yearn for someone else to take control and tell me what to do, but if they did, I’d tell them where to go. It’s confusing.