Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

[InterestedinOthersViews]

DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

Sorry interestedinothersviews MN is not loading properly and I have missed pages of comments and your updates. Take nothing from my post except the bit that it is reasonable of you to assume that you can make bequests to others and not include your stepdaughter. Really sorry this is happening on top of your bereavement.

Can you nominate someone to receive your pension if they're not a dependent? I don't know much about it but thought you'd have to show they were married to you, living with you or dependent on you.

Final salary/defined benefit schemes (rare now, mainly public sector) have their own rules, if there is a dependent's pension then yes, the person has to be a dependent within the definitions in the scheme to get the pension.

But if it is a defined contribution scheme, which are much more common now, then there is a pot of money and you tell the scheme who you would like it to go to when you die. It might have £5 in it, it might have £500k in it. But it doesn't pay a pension, it's just the pot of money.

Im annoyed again because as usual he’s acting like nothing happened. Well no he isn’t. Like his text, his behaviour is slightly more accommodating because he knows something happened (I’m not sure how far that goes), but he isn’t acknowledging directly that he did anything wrong. I asked if he had anything to say and his response was “did you enjoy your dinner?” because he’d cooked. I asked again if he has anything to say about this morning and he said no and then “do you?” I hated myself for asking because it just winds me up

Now I just went to find his keys so I can get my car key back but I don’t know where they are. I might take him off the insurance but if I do anything to provoke him he’s going to be a nightmare and I could do without it this week (well, any week)

Be careful, he sounds like the type of twat who would drive it whether it was insured or not

If you do decide to take him off the insurance, you need to notify him by email and keep a copy of his reply. So you if he takes the car, you can prove( to the police or your insurers ) that you didn’t give him permission and he knew that he wasn’t insured.

Personally I think that would be quite confrontational while you are still living as husband and wife. It’s would make more sense to do that when you seperate. Isn’t that the bigger issue ?

Sorry if I’m being bossy.

Have another look- where would he keep his keys? You need your key back! Then take him off the insurance. Change your will and decide about your life. Decide not to be treated like this anymore.

jesus reading your posts had me almost in tears, without knowing it you are very very unhappy in your marriage, every post sounded like a cry for help, and every post is worse than the one before...
you know you have to get out, you KNOW it, dont let the grief and what ifs confuse the issue, he wont get better he will only get worse, sure he might play nice and love bomb when he thinks hes pushed you too far until you are back under control , but he will get worse
im sorry you have to deal with this while grieving but you have to see a lawyer and you need to do it now, get copies of all his paper work that you safely can, get copies all all the home and insurance paper work etc etc and see a lawyer... you got to get out

I have got my set of keys but he’s got the second one. I actually only gave it back to him recently as he took the car without my permission all day one day (and after shouting at me about it of course - I said no he told me why I was wrong and then took it anyway) and then I recently found it.

I probably don’t need to take it right this second but I just feel annoyed. I’m probably unreasonably annoyed because I know he’s a twat. I bought a new sofa bed for my home office and it’s currently in the dining room because we’re decorating. He often ends up sleeping downstairs and I have asked him not to sleep on that unless he uses a sheet but I’ve just been downstairs and he’s on it/ I’m sure that probably doesn’t seem like a big thing but he just doesn’t care! I don’t want it to smell of sweat and fags before I even get it upstairs. He sleeps downstairs often and must have known he would last night so he could have got a sheet. Can you imagine if I’d said anything though? It’s that kind of thing where if I’ve said “I’d you’re using the sofa bed, please will you use a sheet?” or if I’ve said in the morning “I’d rather you didn’t do that...” then I would get shouted at. And it’s not normal shouting. It stupid face, voice on, sometimes grab me and come right into my face to shout at me...

So even after being completely horrible to me yesterday morning he then smoked in my car and slept on my sofa bed without a sheet as if it’s just flagrant not giving a shit.

He just makes everything difficult.

I just wish I did have the strength to leave him.

The one person I have spoken to... her advice is to be harder on him. Don’t give him the car. Take him off the insurance. Don’t cook for him. Just cook for myself. I know things would just escalate though. He’s the kind of person who will punish me but make out it’s a normal reaction eg well you’re not cooking for me so I’ll just do my own thing too or he’ll just be a twat. Even now, he knows I’m upset with him and probably realises I have reason to be, so he’s almost acting like it’s a mutual fall out. He’s not trying to get me to talk to him or saying he’s sorry. Well he’s made me dinner etc. And if I speak at all, which I do because I can’t walk around mute, he thinks everything is normal and I suppose it is because this is normal for us.

I’m sorry for rambling. It’s nice to be able to say some of this to people who will listen.

It stupid face, voice on, sometimes grab me and come right into my face to shout at me...

Oh OP. I’m not sure what to say that will make you leave him. You are worth so much more than this. Please don’t waste your life on him. He doesn’t care about you, OP.

Keep talking to us all, we support you
Life is too short to be this miserable op, you only get one chance at it, don't waste your time with someone who treats you so badly

Thank you

He doesn’t do that all the time. Grabbing me is rare. Kicking the door or breaking something doesn’t happen all the time. Being a big physical - it’s always borderline (at least in his eyes) eg last week it was grabbing the keys out of my hands but in a way that he was grabbing my hands around the keys which obviously. He broke something I got for my daughter’s grave. He goes for things that matter if he is going to break something.

Most often it’s just talking to me in a horrible way, making voices, hell even jump and stamp his feet at times, call me names, get personal about my appearance...

I’m sure he sounds awful.

I feel silly to say all this but then not even be sure I can leave.

OP, you don't have to make any decisions right this minute. You've seen a bit more now, you've opened your eyes, but personally, given that you've told us that it's your daughter's birthday this week, the important thing RIGHT NOW is getting through this week however you need to. If you feel up to doing more- great. If not, you need to look after yourself as a priority. Can you spend time with your mum for a couple of days, and be looked after a little bit?

I don’t think I’d want to leave home and be around anyone else. That sounds weird probably but I’d rather be at home. I don’t want to leave for him

There must be a way to do this, as my parents have. So my step dad has an adoptive son from his first marriage. My mum has myself and my brother. By step brother is older than my brother and I. If my mum died first, my mum didn't want all her money (as the highest earner) going to her husband and then when he dies going to his son, which would by-pass my brother and I. So they have made it so all assets, regardless of who dies first, is split equally between the three children. Also because their house is in quite a sought-after area, and quite large, all 3 of us may want to live in it in the future. So to avoid any arguments, there's a clause on the will stating the house must sell, and all profits split equally. Grandchildren do not feature in the will. Instead it is stated that it is down to the children to decide how much to pass on to the grandchildren.

So, there must be a way that you can decide where the money goes, regardless of who dies first. My parents have had both a financial advisor and a solicitor involved in their wills.

Op, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. How do you want to live the rest of your life? Go and get some legal advice.

Jesus, he sounds horrendous. I would start moving the finances away, freeze eggs and look at leaving this toxic arsehole.

I just wish I did have the strength to leave him.

You have, darling. You have.

Don't expect yourself to turn into superwoman overnight just because a bunch of randoms on the net are helping you see your situation more clearly.

My chief concern is whether you have ANY support in real life?
It would make such a huge difference to you. But I am guessing that the standard DV cover-up is going on for you - embarrassment & hope keeps us from speaking out.

Please bear in mind

1. abuse thrives in secrecy. Sometime soon, you need to choose a RL confidante. Your sister might be your person? If you really feel crippled by the thought of speaking out, even in confidence, try talking to your GP. Just get those words out of your mouth. The first time is the hardest.
2. Abusers isolate their victims - push away family & friends, gaslight, tell the victim she won't be believed, tell the victim it's all her fault, act out in front of acquaintances "but he seemed so nice, so charming, so caring!"

You cannot expect yourself to carry this load alone, no matter your strength. At some point - whether it is a family member, an old friend, a health professional .... & if you can't face that yet, please start looking for a therapist. At least then, you will have a safe space & an expert who understands "the script" - you need this support, & the release you would get from the right therapist will amaze you.

Or - as I did - find a SHL who 'gets it'.
My therapy didn't start for a good while afterwards - I had 2 excellent life-saving friends in the know though. Can't describe how much that helped.

Stop keeping his filthy secret Interested xxx

The one person I have spoken to... her advice is to be harder on him. Don’t give him the car. Take him off the insurance. Don’t cook for him. Just cook for myself.

Your person here is operating on the premise that your H is a functional adult. Remember - he is not. There is no reasoning with Cluster-B personality types, no way of improving or changing them.

Besides - it is not women's job to train men how to behave properly. If he doesn't know by now ... (he does btw - he simply doesn't want to. Why would he, when acting like a shit brings him so many rewards?)

I know things would just escalate though.
Yup.
He's already physically posturing to scare you. No need to wind him up. It will achieve nothing but further escalation. And maybe some nice bruises ... which will be "your own fault".

embarrassment & hope keeps us from speaking out.

This is how I feel.

I’ve spoken to MIL.

I speak to friend who is like an aunt to me - she is the one who tells me to toughen up. Not to leave but to treat him how he treats me. I get her saying, for example, just say no to the car. But I can’t do the cook for myself, but food for myself... maybe that’s the start of the end though?

Honestly I don’t know what I’m expecting.

I just want him to realise what he’s doing and stop. I gave recorded him carrying on a few times. He got really angry the other day when he realised and tried to grab my phone but it helps me in a way to feel I have proof of what he’s like. I know if we split he’d say I was the evil SM because unfortunately it’s a narrative people believe. He already says I’ve ruined his relationship with her and I ask how. He says because I don’t always let him have my car to see her (she’s 17). Or he points to the fact that she doesn’t come over as much but he’s always known and said she’d come over less as she gets older as she had no other family or friends near. I suppose it doesn’t matter what others think.

Thank you again for your support. It helps.

He broke something I got for my daughter’s grave.

Fucksake. Excuse me OP, I am weeping with rage & frustration for you.
He is an unmitigated cunt.

Please brace yourself. I'm gonna get harsh again.
You know ... if your daughter had lived (I an SO sorry) ... he would have used her against you, don't you?

You know how.
And once she got the the backchat stage, he would have started abusing her too.

You ARE strong enough OP. You simply are not yet quite ready, & you need a stand-up proper functional human being on Team Interested in real life.

please forgive me for writing about your darling girl like this. I am not looking to cause drama or wound you.
He is ... reprehensible. Deliberate, gloating cruelty to you. Find your rage. Keep it quiet. Talk to a SHL.

Jeeeeeeeeze OP - cross post -
I know if we split he’d say I was the evil SM because unfortunately it’s a narrative people believe.
Already, he is demonising you & showing you how much more awful he is prepared to make your life. You are SUCH a convenient excuse for his own no doubt shit parenting.
he points to the fact that she doesn’t come over as much
& I point to the fact that she's 17, & not just getting her own life, but is old enough to start to see him for what he is.

I am glad you have your aunt.
But always remember - she maybe has no idea about how coercive control works.
... tells me to toughen up. Not to leave but to treat him how he treats me. I get her saying, for example, just say no to the car. But I can’t do the cook for myself, but food for myself... maybe that’s the start of the end though?
Excuse me, but - minutiae.
It will achiieve nothing expect make your home life even more uncomfortable.
Start focusing on what you can do OUTSIDE of the home.
Keep your head down inside it. You know what he is capable of.
Outside will give you some relief from his presence. Also - that's where the lawyers, therapists, GP's & trusted friends are.

Forget the petty stuff. He will only use it to wind you up further, make you even more accountable for HIS behaviours, & you even more miserable.

OP - have a 'good-enough' day. Just get through this week as best you can, & give yourself as much down-time as you can manage.

I just want him to realise what he’s doing and stop.

I know.
I understand.
Also the conviction that one day, somehow, you will 'get through to him'.

You won't.
He already knows what he is doing to you.
He doesn't care.

You will find the strength op. Start with the car. It’s not his and he can’t use it. Ever. New normal for you is he respects that.
If he says he can’t see his daughter say calmly well You should buy a car. If he says he can’t afford it say calmly I have no idea why you decided to cut back on your hours. It makes it harder.

The one person I have spoken to... her advice is to be harder on him. Don’t give him the car. Take him off the insurance. Don’t cook for him. Just cook for myself.

Apart from the fact that it's not your 'job' to manage his behaviour, what sort of life would you have if you did that? Why do you want a husband you have to be 'hard' with?

I felt dreadfully guilty leaving my ex due to the impact on DSS. I would have left sooner if it had not been for him.

But I got to the end of my tether and that was it. We'd had rows before but that time I just knew it was the end for me.

It's probably best not to wait until you feel like that though. Maybe start making some subtle arrangements now. Talk to some friends, set some money aside, look into solicitors you could use, get all your documents in one place, hide the spare car key (this car thing is bonkers, he earns enough to run a car, people normally just agree between them the logistics of sharing, who needs what and when etc). See if your employer has an Employee Assistance Program you can access for free support and potentially counseling.

I’m sure he sounds awful.

He doesn't sound awful, he is awful. I know it's hard to hear but you're in an abusive relationship and it's getting worse.

Not cooking or letting him have the car won't change him. Your (understandable) desire for children after your sad loss is making you cling to him. But do you now really want him as father to your children? To be tied to him forever?

Please, get your ducks in a row. See a solicitor before you confront him. I think he could get very nasty.

Make plans to end this misery. Get yourself settled and happy (And you will be) then look into egg freezing. Or even donor insemination? You're strong enough with a supportive family to do this alone.

Good luck