Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

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DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

My vote is for a good lawyer. Real life support and a plan for the coming weeks and months.

Of course if your relationship was anything like normal you'd just ask for your spare keys. Say you've lost yours. Say you're not sharing the car anymore he needs to get his own.

But with every post your situation sounds worse and he sounds more dangerous. And I think you need some realistic life help. Sorry this is happening. Especially this week.

But you can look back on all this as a memory one day. People here have done it.

It feel like this thread has been an eye opener for you on how badly your husband behaves towards you. The interesting thing about discussing wills and inheritance is that that people's true character often comes out.

I think you're at a cross roads in choosing a happier life OP. My heart goes out to you as you've suffered a terrible tragedy but don't let that bind you to a nasty, selfish, lazy man for the rest of your life because you don't feel like you can cope eith breaking up with him. You've still got time to have a child and meet someone new, but you need to not waste any more time.

Whilst you're deciding what to do here's some practical things you can consider -

• as pp have mentioned seek advice about egg / embryo (using donor sperm) freezing as it gives you options and takes a bit of pressure off the biological clock.

-start thinking about what to do with your money - one option would be to transfer some money to your sister as a long term loan (if you trust her 100 percent) as I don't believe this can then be counted in a divorce settlement.

• get some legal advice from a divorce lawyer. Even if you're not at the stage where you've decided that is what you're going to do, I promise you that you'll thank yourself for getting some advice at this stage as you can lay some of the groundwork if you do decide to go down this route.

In terms of what you said about staying with him because you want to have a child - bear in mind that you can do this without him, especially as he doesn't financially contribute anything anyway. If you did it alone you wouldn't have to have him in your life whilst you raise the child.

I really wish you well x

He broke something I got for my daughter’s grave. He goes for things that matter if he is going to break something.

My eyes filled with tears reading that and I don’t even know you. That is a real low in terms of unacceptable behaviour.

You are a convenient scapegoat in terms of his relationship with his daughter. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if at her age she has made up her own mind about his qualities as a father.

He broke something I got for my daughter’s grave. He goes for things that matter if he is going to break something.

I couldn't forgive that. That moment would be the end of the relationship.

He broke something I got for my daughter’s grave. He goes for things that matter ( to me) if he is going to break something

Sorry, posted too soon! Fixed it for you.

I bet he never , ever breaks things that matter to him

Anyone know how much egg freezing costs? Thanks

I just want him to realise what he’s doing and stop.

Where as we want you to realise that he’s never going to stop, because we know that he’s not going to stop. You are at a stage where you are in denial of what’s right in front of your eyes. You seem to be thinking if only I could make him realise this or that then he would change. But there’s nothing you can do, OP. This is it, this is him. Some good, but mostly bad, and the bad will continue to take over the good. Don’t wait for any more signs, you’ve had more than enough telling you that this is not the relationship for you.

I think that's absolutely fine. Neither of us have any children apart from the one we have together and I'm still drafting my will to exclude any wife he takes after I die from my assets. He doesn't see anything wrong with that either. I would want my husband to meet someone else and be happy after I died but I want to make sure that my daughter gets what I've worked for without having to share it with any family he has later.

(Don't do mirror wills. My grandmother told us she'd done one with my step-grandfather and after she died he made a new will leaving everything to his kids and the kid they had together - my dad and her other sister cut out completely. Her will couldn't be found. It sounds to me like you need to set up a trust to achieve what you want.)

I'm sorry about your DD

Oh god, sorry, I thought that there was only one page of answers. I see the thread's moved on an awful lot.

Good advice @User128

He broke something you bought for your daughter's grave? There are no words to describe what I think of that. It's beyond unforgivable. This is a painful time for you, as is every day, but it's coming up to her birthday, and at times the pain and grief is unbearable - he breaks something that is important to you. Why is not important to him too? She was his daughter too. Apologies in advance for my harsh but well meaning words - the more you have posted, the more I see not just a lack of love but the searing contempt and disrespect he has for you. He smokes in your car, sleeps on the sofa bed you paid for, without a sheet - I would bet my house on this being the norm - he will deliberately do the opposite of what you ask and will happily destroy everything you work for. He makes decisions without consulting you - that's not a marriage. He knows you will step up and breach the financial gap - this financially abusive behaviour will continue. To stay in this 'marriage' will destroy you from the inside out, it already is. He dictates to you, undermines your abilities and your rights. The only person he cares for is himself and that will never change. Everything will be your fault, from the first bruise to broken bones. Please, for your own wellbeing and future happiness, reconsider this marriage.

Op he is an abusive wanker. He really is.

Work on a plan to get out.

Thanks

Yes he does just seem to not respect me. I’m sure part of that is I’ve given the message he can treat me that way as I’ve let him but there is a nasty streak in him for him it be that way.

Yes obviously she is his daughter too and he broke what I’d bought. It really does seem like he loses control and he expects me to know this as if it’s my fault if I wind him up ie say anything he disagrees with.

I’m feeling calm about it. A little sad and emotional and all over because there’s a lot going on.

I got home from work a little later than usual. I left this morning without waiting for him or telling I was going alone (we usually go to the station together) and he isn’t home yet. He hasn’t been in touch. I’m ok with that. At least I can relax. I don’t feel like I want to play nice with him tonight and pretend everything is ok. A lot of the time I get upset and then calm down and just let things go for an easy life but that can’t last as I can’t always please him or be the perfect wife.

He just blows hot and cold all the time. I have a stressful job and losing my DD was just about one of the worst things that can happen but nothing has ever upset me like he does. I’ve cried and been distraught, conflicted and just not known what to do.

I think the here have been several particularly low points where I’ve considered my position but concluded I’m not ready to leave and I’ll keep trying. But each time I’ve got to that point (and of course I’m at that point again) I feel like I see him and our relationship more clearly.

I was in my early 20s when I met him and now I’m in my mid-late 30s and I’m annoyed I’ve wasted so much time with him.

We both have always said we’re traditional and old fashioned and don’t believe in ending a marriage. Once you’re in it, you’re in it. I think that’s easy for him to say when he gets the better end of every deal. I can’t keep being treated like this.

The fact that he hasn’t even apologised says it all to me.

I’m coming closer to the realisation that he doesn’t care about me. Sometimes it seems he does, not just because he’s being. Ice tk keep me. But he does seem to take on board what I’ve said even if he dismisses it at the time. For example he’s been doing more housework and cooking recently because I said I put in more financially and domestically and emotionally he is not supportive (he can be horrible). So he seems to be trying to address this by doing more in the house. But that’s not enough if he’s also shouting abuse at me and being nasty and upsetting me on a regular basis.

I just hate that I’m in this position.

You've been with him for a long time. Breaking free of him will feel like coming up for air after a long, suffocating time underwater.

It might feel too hard to swim up to the surface but you can do it. I know you can.

you everything you've been through op.
I was married to someone similar to your husband.
It took a lot of strength to leave and the divorce was horrific- but I've only got one life and once the scales had fallen from my eyes I couldn't stay with him.

I hope this is the bottom for you and you get away and hopefully have the life & family you deserve with someone wonderful.

It sounds like he's worked out just how nice he has to be for you to tolerate the status quo, but still behave like an arsehole when he wants to.

And don't buy that bullshit about 'we're both old fashioned', if that were true he'd still be with the mother of his first child (whether or not they were married he still got her pregnant). He wants you to believe that this is your only option as he's got it pretty sweet at the moment.

This thread has made you admit to yourself how awful he can be so next time you feel like it's easier to just stay married to him , re read your posts and all the posts from all these people rooting for you to leave and build a better life for yourself whilst you still have youth on your side.

We both have always said we’re traditional and old fashioned and don’t believe in ending a marriage. Once you’re in it, you’re in it.

And now you can question that. Why? Why can't you end a marriage? You've done your best and it isn't and couldn't be enough for someone like him. And he's not even trying to do his best. He's treating you as a cash machine not a wife.

It's easy to say you deserve more, but truly, you do.

Op you could live another 60 odd years! Rather than be annoyed think about how you want those years to be. You're better than this. There is more out there for you.

Well the old fashioned thing obviously work for him. You can’t assume he had the option to stay with his ex. I think she can’t be quite nasty too in my experience but obviously once I realised what he can be like then I realised she might not have been the problem! Having said that I think he would have stayed with her so it’s not that he chose to leave her. I don’t know the full story obviously. It changes. He doesn’t always tell the truth I realise.

The point is yes I know I don’t have to stay in the relationship but it’s hard to leave and I do believe in trying. However I don’t know what else I can do!

I feel a bit crap now as I’m think of my DD whose birthday we should be celebrating and instead I’m alone in a house with a man who doesn’t seem to care about me.

I am also thinking practically in terms of finances and divorce so maybe this is a good thing?

I’m thinking yes I’d absolutely open an account in my sis name and put money in there. Or my mum. My parent supporter my through uni etc and paid for everything so it wouldn’t be strange for me to give back to them or DSis and I try to do that anyway.

I don’t want to keep paying for work to be done to the house but then we need to finish off upstairs before we could sell it. I suppose we could put cheap carpets in.

I don’t know. I feel the closest I’ve ever been to actually leaving. Maybe I could have a great life without him.

At the moment I feel frustrated because of all I put in but also at so little I get out. I consider myself moderately successful and earn decent money. Not major money but enough that I can pay the bills and still treat myself. But it’s like with him I can’t have anything nice. No point buying a nice new car (although my car is nice and I love it) because I’d have to share it with him. No nice holidays with DH because I’ve got to pay for everything and book everything to make it happen and then I don’t know which personality I’m going to get when I get there. We don’t even have dinner together. He always says no because he doesn’t want tot spend the money and he doesn’t want me to ( maybe because it’s another thing I will think I’ve paid for or maybe because he’s not bothered about spending time with me).

eg for his birthday I thought of a dinner for me, him and DSD. When I mentioned dinner he said he’s not bothered about that as he’s rather we save the money. I said oh I thought you’d like that the three of us and when he realised it was for DSD too he said he’d have been up for a “family dinner”. That’s nice but why wasn’t he up for dinner with me? It’s often like that. I’ll talk about going out for dinner then every time DSD is here he’ll say “I thought we could go to Italianos becauee you ve been saying you wanted to go” and it just makes me feel like I’m not worth spending time with or spending money on alone. My friends seem to do things with their partners, have holidays or weekends away, and we don’t do anything together because he isn’t interested. He doesn’t make me feel special or like he likes being with me.

I even remember our honeymoon being shit because he argued with me over nothing. He’s the kind of person (with me) who’ll get in the car and if something comes in the radio or I’m listening to a station he’s not into he’ll make a disgusted face and say “can we turn this off” or simply turn it off but thinks nothing of having the football on loudly when he’s in the car even though I have no interest in that. So he ruins everything.

Sometimes I think things are getting better but maybe I’m just getting used to it a bit or knowing to avoid saying / doing certain things

What really annoyed me was a few weeks ago I was a bit arsed with him. I was grumpy and maybe hormonal and tired and I was moody. I was doing all the housework and at that point I was washing up. He was making stupid comments about it like how there’s nothing there anyway and “it’ll take 2 minutes” (but he wouldn’t do it) and I asked him to leave me alone because he was winding me up. He carried on and I really shouted at him. Now it’s rare for me to be the one to go off at him. He acted like such a victim. I apologised almost immediately and then again a bit later and the next day when he was being funny again. But I did point out at one point at the time that when he is much more unpleasant to me and does horrible things he barely apologised. But heaven forbid I should raise my voice to him and he made me feel so shit about it. I didn’t feel that guilty because I know how he treats me but I knew I was the one who was wrong and I was upset that he was then treating me that was in response.

Saying these things is helping me realise acknowledge what a selfish twat he is.

We are supposed to be going to DD grave today. I don’t know what we’ll do as I’m not sure I want him to come with me. I could just it all aside for today.

Go by yourself

Each update you reveal more and more that (in my opinion) this relationship is dead.
You are still very young. Freeze your eggs, hide your financial assets and get divorced.

for today.

The trigger for me leaving abusive ex was that I realised I was turning into a person I didn’t like. In response to his vile behaviour towards me.

Also the abuse obviously.

He sounds really awful.

Go on your own

He doesn't sound like a traditional husband in an old fashioned marriage... shouting in your face, grabbing, taking a massive pay cut, sponging off his wife, getting rid of his car, damaging yours...

He may be counting on you being an old fashioned wife meaning he can do anything he wants.

He's not kept to the terms of your marriage agreement. He's failed on so many levels. Deliberately. He's totally in breach of contract !

He knows something is going on. Dont be surprised if he empties your joint account or similar. He appears to have no standards for his own behaviour. Be careful.