Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

[InterestedinOthersViews]

DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

I don’t know. I met him when I was in my early 20s so while I’ve had other brief love interests he’s probably my first love and the love of my life. It’s very sad. I don’t think he feels that way about me. He loves me but I don’t believe I’m the love of his life. He’s very damaged.

Every post makes your marriage sound a chore rather than a pleasure.

A loving caring husband to be would not want his future bride to pay for her own ring.

If this was a friend or female relative, what would your advice be to them?

Re the ring be claimed he would pay for it but I was to get the loan as he already had a loan and so it would have been easier for me

He’s already been made redundant once while we were engaged and so I didn’t want to take the loan and then be left liable for the payments. Yes he bought me a nice ring but I paid for the rest of the wedding. At that time he was the same. He wouldn’t discuss it. I tried to discuss with him why I didn’t feel comfortable taking the loan (I didn’t really have any loans or credit as it was) and be wouldnt discuss it with me beyond asking / telling me to do it and then storming off or saying I was out of order if I didn’t. That’s how he is now about anything he’s not happy with. I find it bizarre.

He smokes weed. Yes I know it gets worse. And I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it. He isn’t willing to stop that. Or smoking.

This makes it entirely clear. Weed addicts are generally selfish and self centred.

Please, please, please, please, please do not have a child with a weed addict. Please. It never ends well. There are dozens of threads about it on here.

Imagine you had a child. Imagine you split up. Imagine send that child off to daddy for the weekend under a joint residence agreement, knowing that daddy will be stoned all weekend.

He might be damaged, but you cannot fix him, nor should you.

"Women, you are not rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix him, change him, parent him. You want a partner, not a project."

I hate this man. He is despicable.

It's really hard to leave someone but its amazing afterwards. Imagine the peace, the freedom. It sounds like you're often resentful, walking on egg shells, biting your tongue.

Please tell your mum or aunt or friends. Dont be surprised if they're arent surprised.

I’ve got a text!

Tried to call earlier but you were busy or preferred not to answer. I’ll leave the car where you usually park it unless you request otherwise

I didn’t realise he’d call but note he doesn’t apologise! Leaving the car is an acknowledgment I’ll be upset but not that he has any part in that. That’s how I read it anyway.

The thing is I do love him

Aaaaw OP - that feeling can take a long time to dissipate.
There is also a very common trap that women experiencing the cycle of abuse fall into - longing for the good times, & hoping they will return.
When really all that is happening is that their loved one is offering just enough shreds of comfort, enough 'good days', enough hope that eventually the nice man they thought he was will resurface.
This is "the script", Interested. (Bancroft)
Please, please, please inform yourself about it, so that you can see it coldly for what it is & not waste further years spiralling in & out of ever-smaller pockets of 'good times'.

We had a bad patch when engaged, partly of money (he wanted me to take a loan in my name to refinance the credit card he’d used to by my engagement ring
I am finding it hard not to weep at this OP.
Because, even then, he was financially exploiting, if not outright abusing you &
which I refused to do)
THIS (well done btw!) is what brought that bad patch about.
If you had complied, & saddled yourself with his debt as he felt you ought to - I bet he would have been perfectly lovely.
Until he wanted the next pound of your flesh.

partly over other things, and I remember feeling then like it would be too embarrassing to postpone or cancel the wedding
Your instincts were sound. So is your heart. There is nothing wrong with feeling doubt, & nothing wrong with wanting to make things work. Sadly, in your H's case, your instincts & your heart are now quite naturally at war - because rationally, you know he will not improve, but your heart does not want to let go of hope. Remember - no sudden movements. Let this all just settle within you. It is a hell of a lot to process.

I wish I hadn’t felt that way as this was maybe 5 years ago
Oh, hindsight is 20/20, & we only get wise by learning from our mistakes.
Allow yourself to grieve for the love you held for him when you believed he was a better man, capable of surmounting the difficulties he now insists on making your responsibility.
Do not chastise yourself for still feeling that residual love.
However ...
Please forgive me for the harsh words that will follow. I promise they are kindly meant.
I am so sorry, the issue at root of your problem is not whether or not you still love him.

The giant, glaring, trumpeting, farting elephant in the room is ... he does not love you.
I apologise for these wounding words. It is nothing to do with your quality as a person, & no reflection on your worth.
He is a coercive controller: they do not know how to love. It really is that simple. He does not love you, he loves what you can do for him, what you can give him, how he can manipulate you into handing over more & more of your personal & financial autonomy until he holds total control.

He will not care that this will leave you a husk with nothing left inside you for yourself. Instead, he will blame you, for not being more upbeat, not looking pretty & happy enough for him, not being able to stump up for the next car he wants, for being exhausted from being the main wage earner AND handling all the domestic load - it will ALL be your fault, & you will have nothing left to fight with.

Keep your strength for yourself Interested - because however this pans out, you are going to need to look out for YOU & not HIM.
That is a very hard realisation, & it is also very hard to let go of the care & nurturing you are used to feeling for him, or from worrying about him. Please try hard not to - he is not in the least worried about you. You are a resource to him. All the good times were a mask, which is only going to slip further & further as you push back against his barkingly unreasonable demands & expectations.

Look after yourself, & I am truly sorry to have written so forcefully. I know how much this hurts.

Have as quiet & relaxed an evening as you can, & ... keep all your cards close to your chest.

Weed? Other drugs too?

Because I'm still puzzled about where his money is going.

I didn’t realise he’d call but note he doesn’t apologise! Leaving the car is an acknowledgment I’ll be upset but not that he has any part in that. That’s how I read it anyway.

You read that text perfectly OP.

& I'm gonna deconstruct it anyway, because I have taken a real dislike to your H.

Tried to call earlier but you were busy or preferred not to answer.
Passive-aggressive crapola.
I did the right, the 'normal' thing by calling, my demonstration of actorly skills failed to reach its audience, but don't let me miss a chance to imply that YOU are the one in the wrong for not answering. That YOU are the person acting out, not me.

I’ll leave the car where you usually park it unless you request otherwise
What a quietly noble soul I am, making sure my wife's car is parked conveniently for her
Who would ever suspect that this mild-mannered, considerate sentence, which even takes the trouble to anticipate his wife's possible desire to have her car moved to another place, is written by the very same arsehole who only this morning threw keys at his wife, who shouted her into handing her car over to him, or who told her that he would do exactly what he wants & speak exactly as he likes to her?

Interested - have you any idea of how smart & insightful you are?
Your interpretation of that text & description of his behaviours & motivations over the years are spot-on. To be frank - I am slightly in awe of you. You are already light years ahead of where I was when I finally made the decision to escape.
When you are ready to consider & manage your own freedom from his abuse, you will find that you cope far better than you anticipate, There will be rough patches, it will never be plain sailing, & you will need time - but you have nearly everything you need to bring yourself through this intact. (The other ingredients are Lundy Bancroft; solo therapy; real life support - because eventually the secret must out, abuse only thrives in secrecy; - & a SHL).

btw - I didn't want to do a glib Mumsnet Bingo on you & call your H a narcissist. So yes, well done again - you have spotted the dysfunction, & sure it could be that. Or any one of the Cluster-B personality disorders. His behaviour is certainly extreme enough to warrant some diagnosis. This gives you another toolkit - you've probably already looked up info on this to help you navigate his moods, yes?

Long post, sorry, but so much new info is coming through -
he is very damaged
SNORT!
He is very damaging.
Whatever his childhood trauma, whatever excuse he has either honestly told you or manufactured - it won't 'compete' (sorry) with mine, or that of many wise posters on MN. However I have managed to live my entire adult life without coercively controlling anyone, or emotionally, financially, or physically abusing them.
Don't swallow any more self-justifying bullshit from him.

Finally - the dope-smoking.
That explains the jacking in & downsizing jobs then. If he smokes it daily, he will be negative, self-defeating, & unwilling to challenge himself. How much easier to make his wife pick up all the burdens he wishes to shed!
However - his problem isn't dope. His problem isn't even his childhood. His problem is - he is an "Angry & Controlling Man". Rather than take responsibility for that, he makes it your problem. Because he can. Because he is a manipulative little shit who views you as his meal ticket & household slave. Because he hasn't got one ounce of the honesty, self-awareness & generosity that hs wife has - & guess what? He resents her for THAT too.

This is from "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft:

THE MENTALLY ILL OR ADDICTED ABUSER

This last category is not actually separate from the others; an abusive man of any of the aforementioned styles can also have psychiatric or substance-abuse problems, although the majority do not. Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner, but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change. When these additional problems are present, it is important to be aware of the following points:

1. Certain mental illnesses can increase the chance that an abuser will be dangerous and use physical violence. These include paranoia, severe depression, delusions or hallucinations (psychosis), obsessive-compulsive disorder, and antisocial personality disorder known as psychopathy or sociopathy). These psychiatric conditions also make it next to impossible for an abuser to change, at least until the mental illness has been brought under control through therapy and/or medication, which can take years. Even if the mental illness is properly treated, his abusiveness won't necessarily change.

1. An abuser's reactions to going on or off medication are unpredictable. A woman should take extra precautions for her safety at such a time. Abusers tend to go off medication before long—I have had few clients who were consistent and responsible about taking their meds in the long term. They don't like the side effects, and they are too selfish to care about the implications of the mental illness for their partners or children.

1. The potential danger of a mentally ill abuser has to be assessed by looking at the severity of his psychiatric symptoms in combination with the severity of his abuse characteristics. Looking at his psychiatric symptoms alone can lead to underestimating how dangerous he is.

1. Antisocial personality disorder is present in only a small percentage of abusers but can be important. Those who suffer from this condition lack a conscience and thus are repeatedly involved in behaviors that are harmful to others. Some signs of this condition include: (a) He started getting into illegal behavior when he was still a teenager; (b) his dishonest or aggressive behavior involves situations unrelated to his partner, rather than being restricted to her; (c) he periodically gets into trouble at workplaces or in other contexts for stealing, threatening, or refusing to follow instructions and is likely to have a considerable criminal record by about age thirty, though the offenses may be largely minor ones; (d) he is severely and chronically irresponsible in a way that disrupts the lives of others or creates danger; and (e) he tends to cheat on women a lot, turn them against each other, and maintain shallow relationships with them. The psychopath's physical violence is not necessarily severe, contrary to the popular image, but he may be very dangerous nonetheless. Antisocial personality disorder is very difficult to change through therapy, and there is no effective medication for treating it. It is highly compatible with abusiveness toward women.

1. Those who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder have a highly distorted self-image. They are unable to accept that they might have faults and therefore are unable to imagine how other people perceive them. This condition is highly compatible with abusiveness, though it is present in only a small percentage of abusive men. Clues to the presence of this disorder include: (a) Your partner's self-centeredness is severe, and it carries over into situations that don't involve you; (b) he seems to relate everything back to himself; and (c) he is outraged whenever anyone criticizes him and is incapable of considering that he could ever be anything other than kind and generous. This disorder is highly resistant to therapy and is not treatable with medication. The abuser with this disorder is not able to change substantially through an abuser program either, although he sometimes makes some minor improvements.

1. Many abusers who are not mentally ill want women to think that they are, in order to avoid responsibility for their attitudes and behavior.

Substance abuse, like mental illness, does not cause partner abuse but can increase the risk of violence. Like the mentally ill abuser, the addicted abuser doesn't change unless he deals with his addiction, and even that is only the first step. Chapter 8 examines the role that substances play in partner abuse.

The attitudes driving the mentally ill or addicted batterer are the same as those of other abusers and will likely follow the pattern of one of the nine styles described above. In addition, the following attitudes tend to be present:

• I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.

• If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me, considering these other problems I have. It also shows that you don't understand my other problems.

• I'm not abusive, I'm just———(alcoholic, drug addicted, manic-depressive, an adult child of alcoholics, or whatever his condition may be).

• If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness, and you'll be responsible for what I do.

What you said about your engagement ring is the saddest thing I've heard.

Honestly, OP, I want to shake you.

You sound lovely and he's a complete and utter user. You know it's not going to work out long term. Why stick around when all that will happen is the loss of more money and your self-respect?

The twat has smoked in my car. Apparently it’s because he was “upset”. He laughed when I reminded him that I didn’t really fancy talking to him actually. He thinks it’s funny.

You know what I'd do? I'd pack my bags and put them in my car and go to stay with my mum. Then I'd contact a solicitor and start divorce proceedings. Then I'd go and get my eggs frozen.

Don't waste your life, OP. He is walking all over you.

Apparently it’s because he was “upset”

Excuse my hollow laughter ... but 'NOW look what YOU made him do'!
See @AnotherEmma's excellent Bancroft excerpt.

He laughed when I reminded him that I didn’t really fancy talking to him actually. He thinks it’s funny.
Sure he does.
He likes to push your buttons. He doesn't care how it makes you feel.
Just so long as you are still dancing to his tune. Stop dancing - he'll maybe even Be Nice for a while. Or play hurt, or sulk, or shout, or abuse you. Or smoke a phat doobie in your car & tell you that's your fault too.
It is all a facade. It's all about him doing as he pleases, & making you foot the bill for it. Metaphorically & literally.

I agree @HollowTalk. But Interested ... in your own time.
Please dont allow my investment in this thread - which is your actual life - precipitate any action which you are not ready for, or that might push Mateyboy into further tantrums.

Unless you are ready to escape to your mum's, which would be a fine idea. But we don't know your circumstances, altho' I won't be surprised if you've been putting on a brave front for your mum, (if you have one? Or is it just you & your sister now?)

Christ OP he saw you coming with your big bank balance didn't he... WTF Lady... you need to get this man out of your life

p.s. love the idea of freezing your eggs.. good on you

Oh OP! I have nothing to add to the insight already provided. This could've been written about me and my ex (note ex). Controlling, abusive in every way and everything came down to making sure I had little or nothing as he wouldn't contribute to the bills. I am desperately sorry for the loss of your DD I had my children later in life 39+ - he used them to control me, keep me penniless and then when I realised that it was so very toxic, he tried to take them from me so he could claim child maintenance, he'd tried to make his current partner provide for our children in her will - she refused & he threatened to take their child away from her. Thankfully it failed but everything was and still is about my money, what I have or what he perceives me to have. There are so many parallels......Men like this do not change and they do get worse. Take control (carefully) bit by bit, start a getaway fund, read Lundy Bancroft, look at the freedom program online, speak to women's aid for advice on keeping safe. Freeze your eggs and have the bright beautiful future you truly deserve. He doesn't love you nor deserve you. You are his golden goose, all he cares about is you laying those golden eggs for him & providing all the way. You have some really big decisions to make - put yourself first in every single one. Again, I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this situation but perhaps be grateful that you do not have a child with this man.

When we met we earned about the same. I always had more disposable income because he has to pay CSM (or that’s how he explains it) and actually he earned maybe slightly more than me but I got a promotion and decent pay rise and he’s got an easier job. Having said that it was probably always clear I was ambitious and has more earning potential so who knows. He knew I’d at least pay my own way I suppose!

I’m just playing it cool now. I think the reason I don’t get as upset now is because I don’t take it personally and I know it’s all temporary - all of it - the ups and then downs. But sometimes I find it hard to take e flagrant disrespect and disregard for my feelings. Even now we’re home and he’s cooking but it won’t occur to him to say sorry. Occasionally he’ll say something like “what happened can’t happen again” and his solution will be something like not getting in my car for a day or staying out of my way but it all comes across like he thinks it’s my fault so he needs to stay away from me to stop it happening again.

I actually hate him sometimes. But that doesn’t last long unfortunately

"I knew before I married him that he was difficult and unsupportive sometimes. But I thought it would be ok once we were married. We had a bad patch when engaged, partly of money (he wanted me to take a loan in my name to refinance the credit card he’d used to by my engagement ring, which I refused to do), partly over other things, and I remember feeling then like it would be too embarrassing to postpone or cancel the wedding."

I wonder why you ignored the red flags and married him anyway. I wonder what you learned about relationships growing up. What made you think you should still marry him despite the way he treated you. Please don't feel you have to answer this. I just think it's interesting to consider what made you marry him (even though it seems clear now that it was a mistake) because those reasons might still be influencing you now and preventing you from leaving him.

You don't have to decide anything now or even soon. But please do talk to someone, whether it's your aunt or a counsellor or both. Keep checking in with yourself and seeking out support from people (anyone but him; he can't give it). And if you're feeling very stuck, you might find it helpful to read "Should I stay or should I go?" by Lundy Bancroft.

You've got this. I think you're thinking more clearly now than you have been for a long time, and I think things can and will get even clearer for you.

@Mummacake - congratulations on your escape & HUGS, Ye Dogs, you, OP & I seem to all have been with the same guy!

why stay in a relationship that sometimes you hate him. That is no way to live

Thank you@messolini9 - I'd rather live in a cardboard box than stay anywhere near my ex. Your post & @fizzywater were so brilliant and so very true. OP, heed the words written. Whilst they may sound harsh, they genuinely come from a good place & with the best of intentions. Be strong and most of all be safe.

I nearly forgot to add, he is clearly jealous of you OP. Of your success, potential success, your kindness and your ability to share. He has none of these things and will do everything in his power to rob you of everything. The jealousy & the bitterness that goes with it will eat him alive. I'd that how you see your future? You deserve so much more x

I do find it’s a case of “give him an inch and he’ll take a mile”. He’ll ask for something, knowing it’s cheeky, but if I agree or look like I might agree, he’ll ask for or take more.

Thanks everyone. I am reading the replies but think I will read them all again.

My friends, like you interestedinothersviews lost a baby . They have not had another child but the man has 3 children from his 1st marriage. They are older than you and your DH and, unlike you, the man was the higher earner. His children have already had an inheritance from their grandparents. The bit that might be relevant for you is their wills.

They own their house as tenants in common. His children will only get any of his assets once the woman has died. Her share will go to her nephews and nieces with a few small other bequests. I think it is fair to acknowledge that partners and spouses may have different priorities if either one has children from another relationship.