Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

[InterestedinOthersViews]

DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

I would like to keep the house but I don’t know whether that would be possible financially

Interested, I can guarantee you that anything you "would like", he will sniff out & cause trouble about.

Be prepared to walk away from the house. A fresh start would be beneficial in many ways anyway. & when I say "walk away" I mean with as much money from the house as a SHL can retain for you.

This is do-able.
You also don't have to do it all at once.
For today, for this week just keep allowing everything to percolate inside you.
You have one hell of an emotional load to process - just keep yourself safe while you start to do so.

My DH and I have the same written into our Wills.

All assets, house etc split 50/50. If I die first, my 50% gets split equally between our children. Although, DH can live in the house "forever". If he remarries or has more children, they only have access to his 50% on his death. My 50% is protected for my children.

It’s just rubbish isn’t it

I hate to feel sorry for myself as I have lots to be thankful for and people go through worse

To grieve for your only child while being abused is shit. But going through a divorce while grieving isn’t exactly going to be easy.

I do feel a bit more in control with the idea of freezing my eggs because wanting another child and my age is a stress factor for me.

Sorry. I’m probably repeating myself.

It will be difficult and expensive to make sure that if you die first your husband can inherit everything but then in turn on their death your sibling gets your share (could be 50 years later!) or vice versa so that if your husband died first you got everything and later his daughter his share.

A simple mirror will won't cut it as after one of you has passed the other is at liberty to change their own will. A lifetime interest in the house could be a pain if the person remaining wants to move/remarry etc and could create the uncomfortable situation of someone waiting for the person to die or become ill and have to move to get hold of their money - or putting pressure on them to sell/fall outs.

I would try to get your wishes wrapped up on the first death so there is no complicated drawn out process. I think the most straightforward way to achieve this would be life insurance. E.g. If you own equity in your house but still owe say 100K on the mortgage take out 200K of life insurance and will your partner your share of the equity in the property and 100k of the life insurance and your sibling the other 100K of life insurance. That way it's done and dusted and everyone is free to move on with their lives. He could do the same re his daughter.

If you tell the life insurance what you want to happen to the money I believe they can organise it outside of the estate for inheritance tax. Make sure you update it on marriage or divorce else your declared wishes might be invalidated.

I have thought about what I would want to happen if I died. In my case my husband and I have a mortgaged home, 200K of life insurance, some death in service money and children of 10 and 2 to provide for. If I die and my husband had a new wife and family I worried that my children who would be much older might not be provided for in a way that reflects my/my family's contribution to our finances. I have spoke to my husband and parents and I'm comfortable that if I die (before my parents) my inheritance from them will go straight to my children and should be fairly substantial allowing them to have a large house deposit at a time in their life it is more useful to them. After that I will trust my husband to look out for them but I will know that they have been looked after and that my inheritance won't be lost to a new household.

I hate to feel sorry for myself as I have lots to be thankful for and people go through worse

Now now OP, you stop that minimising.
You are clearly a smart, kind & resourceful person, & the fact you can focus on what you have to be thankful for is an enormous advantage to you.
However - it's common for smart & resourceful people to minimise their own abuse. OK, it's a coping mechanism - but just because some other people have it worse than you, doesn't mean your own problems aren't painful & deserving of empathy.

No, things are not going to be easy.
But you will find new strategies & coping mechanisms as you push yourself through the process.
A SHL (shit-hot lawyer) - & I mean a really, really good one, preferably female, who will focus on your rights & protect you once the shit hits the fan is going to be essential.

Mine spent almost 3 hours on my initial interview, & was instrumental in making me accept that not only was my marriage abusive, but that I had become a victim, that Ex's behaviour would not change, but - & this was the gobsmacking, life-saving realisation - that I no longer needed to accept it.

It was terrifying Interested - I'm not going to fib to you about that.
The moment I signed the divorce & injunction papers, laying out in black & white the exact facts of my marriage, all I could see was my H's angry reaction to it. I had to brace myself to sign it through the shaking. My SHL then explained to me what phrases like "suicidal miscreant" & "potential family annihilator" meant, & how much danger I would be in without legal protection. She was incredible. Her experience & certain knowledge of "the script" (see Lundy Bancroft again) won me my freedom & kept me safe.

You will need one that good. If only to protect your financial investments - but H's angry posturing this morning has worried me, & indicates how he might explode should you eventually call it quits with him. He will be furious that his free money supply is drying up, for one thing. But let's not get ahead of events.

Again - no hurry. And I am only relaying my own experience to show you why you should keep absolutely quiet about any plans for change that are starting to surface in you.

Again - PM me if you need a hand hold x

Delurking to wish you strength and luck.

It's hard, really hard to walk away from something you have invested so much time, energy and emotion.

However, you still have the chance of a child (be it via a relationship, sperm donation or fostering/adoption). More importantly, you are acknowledging you deserve respect, equality and love.

To echo the others, get a bloody good lawyer and be prepared to walk away from the house, for your sanity. As the higher earner with no dependents, you are in a good position. The longer you stay, the more he can claim, from your emotional energy through to your pension.

OP. I haven’t loss a child, and as such cannot comprehend the immense grief you must feel.

What I will say is this. Divorce next to that is a walk in the park, especially as you don’t have a child with him. This is simply a procedural / financial process. Which is pretty black and white.

You’re made of much stronger stuff than you think. And if it takes a while to come to some sort of view on this. Please stop TTC with this man. None of this gets any better. And right now is when he should be being his kindest. If you’re not seeing a kind human being now, you never will x

Pretty much everything fizzy said. There’s no point just repeating it, except the one thing I always say in a marriage is at some point someone has to prioritise you. And if it’s not the other person then you have to do it fri yourself. The same way he has prioritised himself in every single other detail of your life together. Cut the contributions, start saving. Make our own will. Change the mortgage or sell.

Hi OP.

As I read your thread and your updates I started to get the feeling that this man wasn't on your side. Your latest updates prove it. He's unpleasant and avaricious. He thinks everything you own and earn should be his with no reciprocity. I think it's inevitable that you will divorce him, he's treated you terribly and shows all the signs of continuing to financial and verbally abuse you, and physically intimidate you.

If you can I'd suggest separating ASAP. Maybe stay with a family member or friend? After a few weeks space from him you will start to think more clearly about the financial settlement you will find acceptable. He sounds like he will fight for every penny and please don't underestimate how draining that will be, nor how nasty men like him can become in that scenario.

In your favour you are obviously smart, ambitious, young and have great earning potential. Your future is bright!

I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you have the chance for more children in the future if that is what you choose

Truly excellent post @CheddarGorgeous.

I am so sorry you lost your daughter.

I'm also so sorry you're with this complete twat. He's a nasty user. He thinks that you are there to facilitate his life; your life is unimportant to him. Every time you threaten his nice easy life he kicks off like a spoilt brat.

It's time to start again without him. A divorce will be easy compared to the pain you've gone through.

Please speak to your mum about him. I couldn't bear to think my daughter was going through this without my support. Yes, she will hate him (as we all do!) but that's what you need, not your MIL who will do her best to make you stay with him.

I think the most telling thing you have said is . .... I would like to keep the house.

What do you mean by that, @mummmy2017? She has paid more towards it. Why shouldn't she want to keep it?

OP, I had my children in my late 30s/ early 40s. You have time. Freeze your eggs if you are really worried.
I too have lost a child. The pain and grief is horrific. My dh has been my rock, we have comforted and supported each other.
You have had some good advice here. Put yourself first, get some good legal advice.

I am pretty much in the same situation.
Nearly everything is in my name & I am a lot younger. There are 2 step children and 3 nieces/nephews.
He has verbally agreed that if I die he splits the stuff 5 ways when he dies.
I have a sizable pension, so what I am doing is naming my family as the beneficiaries. This means it is outside the inheritance tax and is not part of the estate. My DH will get the properties.
So I would do this and this makes sure that they get an amount of money and not relay on what someone may or may not do after I am dead.

I think the most telling thing you have said is . .... I would like to keep the house.

Can you be clearer about what you mean by "telling", please @mummmy2017, because vagueness (or insinuation, if that is what this is) is not helping your communication.

Actually reading everything, I think you want out.
Do it now before the balance is even more off.
Just sell the house or buy him out and do not more work to it until it is yours.
Cut your losses now

InterestedinOthersViews you have lost what was most precious to you in the whole world. It's natural to want to hang on to everyone and everything else in your life that's familiar because you can't face another loss.

But think about what your husband has become. You've already lost the man you married, he's been replaced by a selfish, greedy, lazy lookalike.

If you were to have a child with him you'd be tied to him and his selfishness forever. He would expect you to pay for everything for your child, to facilitate him staying at home as a SAH dad (and what sort of a dad do you really think he'd be? Look at how he is with his existing DD). He will expect you to do all the cooking, cleaning and general work, while you are out earning the money, and he'll demand that what you earn is all spent on him and his wants. And he'll use your child as a pawn, as ammunition to make sure that you always bend to his will.

I'm not clairvoyant. I don't know all that because I have a crystal ball to see into the future. I know it because of how he's behaving now. It will get worse, and with a child together there will be no escape from him.

You are not too old to have a child. You can do it on your own. Please don't let your desperation for a child keep you with him when it will only bring a lifetime of heartbreak and abuse. Because that's what he is - an abuser. And abusers don't wake up one morning having changed into someone lovely and caring. Like an addict wanting more and more drugs, they become more and more abusive to get the same kick.

Please don't get sucked in to his need for power and control. Leave, for your own long term sanity. Grieve for your DD. You can't do that in a healthy way now because you are having to deal with his crap.

Make a new life for yourself away from him. I promise you won't regret it.

@lightyearsahead Can you nominate someone to receive your pension if they're not a dependent? I don't know much about it but thought you'd have to show they were married to you, living with you or dependent on you.

Sorry was not trying to be vague.
When OP said they would like to keep the house, rather than she wanted to try to fix the marriage.
I think he has killed the love, enough that your not even thinking about repairing the mess this man has willingly caused.
Now you just need to find a way out.

Thanks @mummy2017, I understand now.

The thing is I do love him

I want so much for everything to be ok and for us to be happy together. I feel like we do care for one another and are a good match in some ways but then in other ways we obviously do not get along and he won’t address his issues.

I haven’t made up my mind to leave but I’ll be honest PPs suggesting freezing my eggs has made a big difference. Having another child is a big thing and this gives me a bit more control.

BUT stupid thing is it’s not just now that I feel tied to him because we’re married and I want another child. I knew before I married him that he was difficult and unsupportive sometimes. But I thought it would be ok once we were married. We had a bad patch when engaged, partly of money (he wanted me to take a loan in my name to refinance the credit card he’d used to by my engagement ring, which I refused to do), partly over other things, and I remember feeling then like it would be too embarrassing to postpone or cancel the wedding. I wish I hadn’t felt that way as this was maybe e 5 years ago. We’ve been married about four years but I knew him for a long time before that but didn’t live with him long.

I don’t know what to say or do. Of course I know my mum and friends would tell me to leave him. I know I’ve tried everything to make things better. I know I’m not the problem.

I don’t think I’m ready to let go yet but I feel a bit stupid and annoyed I’m in this position.

💐

OP you can’t make everything better, you just can’t

Please don’t cave in, you deserve so much more than him

And I just realised I’ll have to pay a taxi from the station tonight as he’s got my car and I don’t really want to get in my car with him even if he offers.

I already got a taxi twice the other day because he took the car. It might be a little thing but he’d said can I get a taxi and he’d give me a fiver. He didn’t and then managed to leave his phone at home so wasn’t around to pick me up and of course it annoys me I’m paying for the car and then taxis when he’s got it...

Sometimes I feel I shouldn’t go on about it and cause an argument (that’s how he makes me feel too) but I should be able to express my views and be able to discuss things.

I wouldn’t mind sharing everything with him if we were a team but we’re not. He can be nasty and horrible to me. It happens often. So then I don’t feel like giving him my CSR when he asks or buying food for all of us.

I think he is trying to do more but the only way I’d believe he is trying to really change is by seeking professional help for his anger.

He smokes weed. Yes I know it gets worse. And I don’t know whether that has anything to do with it. He isn’t willing to stop that. Or smoking.

He literally (not literally) expects me to bend to his will and he isn’t willing to compromise at all. Anything I ask for is unreasonable. I’ve realised that for a while and I think he’s a narcissist.

But then maybe he’ll cook me dinner when I get home and I’ll go along with it for a quiet life.

More likely he’ll be moody because he can’t stand any consequences to his actions even just me being upset with him for being an arsehole.

Why do you love someone who can be nasty to you? Not seeing much to love here