Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

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DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

3) you refer to it as your car rather than our car but it is a famiy/joint car
They both had cars. He decided to 1. Cut his hours, and 2. Sell his car and they’d be a one car couple, but he wouldn’t have to pay for the car maintenance etc and would use it whenever he likes. Op wasn’t consulted about either of these rather large decisions. It is OPs car.

Tinyhhmansurvivalist Leave this poor woman alone and stop criticizing her-she's in an abusive relationship and bereaved

I read this thread when you first started it and gave a response about sharing in a marriage. I have just come back to reading it and I must admit that like @Tinyhumansurvivalist, I had thoughts about your terminology about ‘my car’ and your higher salary. HOWEVER, I continued reading and came to your description of his disrespectful and abusive behaviour and it makes total sense now. Someone who cannot treat their partner with kindness and love and who isn’t willing to give to the relationship (financially/ emotionally) does not deserve to be treated as an partner in finances etc. You are working hard for what you earn, why share it with an abuser?

This man is vile. You are grieving your child and he is acting like a monster. I think you’ve mentioned 2 really good ideas:

1. freezing your eggs so you have no emotional pull to stay with him (wanting another child).
2. starting an account for your younger sibling. Move that money away so he can’t touch it.

I hope you manage to find the strength to end things with him because you deserve SO much more! Unfortunately, in a divorce he may be entitled to half, however when you are no longer married to him, you can build a future for yourself without him draining everything you have.

Finally, you’re being so strong about this and you have so much support here. Please keep coming back.

I've just read you last few updates.
He never does nice things with you.
No meals out, or date nights.
No holidays.
He hates paying for shopping.
So if his wallet is involved, that will be a no.
Just why do you love this man?
At your ages you should be popping off for nice weekends away.

In your position, I would leave my property to my DH as my own closest relative, and expect it would then go to his child as his closest relative. It wouldn’t bother me. It’s sad, in my opinion, that it bothers you as much as it does and I think it’s obviously related to to the very tragic loss of your child. But in your DH’s position it would bother me that you were linking that so nearly with his child and whether or not they ended up with some of your money.

Just a very sad situation all round.

Oh wait, no, my fault: missed the drip feed. Leave him and take your money with you.

@mantarays

It's really not about the will.

Read the rest of the OP's posts.

Cross posts

The car is my car. If I didn’t explain it’s because it might be outing but I have NC anyway DH had his own car (the blue car) car 🚙 and before we got married the car packed in. He didn’t think it was worth repairing (was going to cost £600+ and the car was worth about £1000+ but it was nearly new just has a lot of mileage he was doing. He said I should buy a new car and give him my car (the red car) car 🚗 because I could afford it and he couldn’t and that was the best thing for us as a team. My car, the red car, was fine and I loved it and so I didn’t really want to get a new car but then I went along with it. I bought a nearly new car 🚘 worth about £13k I think initially on a PCP / balloon deal. He put in his banger worth £1k for the deposit. I paid for this car for the three years, which were up last year, when I then paid the £8k to buy it outright. Anyway after I’d given him the red car 🚗 (which was valued by the garage at about £800 but I think worth more as had no mileage and had never had any issues but it was 8-9 years old) so he drove that for a couple of years until that one broke down and it needed about £400 worth of work. He couldn’t / wouldn’t for it. My dad even for it repaired (my dad got the car for me so he and I both kind of wanted to keep it) but DH wouldn’t pay for it and said he never wanted it anyway! He then said we should share the my car 🚘 but it always worked out that he thought he should have priority. On a weekend it was to see his DSD. If we worked we’d go together. If one of us wasn’t working then he always needed it more eg he had e dentist appointment so needs the car and I can get a taxi but if he’s the one working and I’m not then he needs the car to get to work or a lift. I could never usually sleep in on a day off as I had to give him a lift to the station because why should he be put out? So now it’s about 2 years since we sold my old car 🚗 and he started sharing my car 🚘. It upsets me to think about giving away the little red car as I loved it and my dad bought it for me from a friend and paid a lot towards it. I thought of paying for it but then I’d have paid for both cars and he obviously wanted my shinier newer one. Even after I’d give him my old car he’d always want to go everywhere in mine and I didn’t see it for ages but he just wanted to use my nicer car and use my petrol. I know it was petrol as well because I think when we had our old cars he wanted to go in my old one. Sorry that’s long but maybe explains some of the issue with the car. Saying in here does help as I was almost feeling like everything is ok again this morning!

@mantarays Just because I don’t have children currently doesn’t mean all of our property should go to his child / family when we die and that’s not just about not wanting his child to have anything from me. I have a younger sibling I’d want to leave something to (but again only after we had both died). Why is that sad?

Why on earth did you get married if you don't want to act like you are married. All property become communal. My husband earns 4 times what I do, My parents died and left us a lot of money. He has had periods of unemployment as have I but I have always had the money to support myself during that time such as a generous redundancy package, which I still had a lot of when I went back to work and maternity leave.

What if you do have a baby and want to reduce your hours? Will you re-jig your will you reflect you reduced income? Or if he stays at home to cut him out entirely?
What if the child has special needs? No one orders a child with special needs, I hit the jackpot and have two, I have managed to limp my "career " along part time but get paid less money than my colleagues doing the same job (charge the client the same I have noted) you might need to rethink it again.
What if you have children and everything is fine are you still going to leave to relatives? And yes in this I do think he should leave money to his other child. My uncle and aunt the only people I know who are similar took about life insurance to be paid to their children from other marriages on their death as both had agreed that their estates should be left to all their children but were sensible enough to know when you are dead all bets are off.
Obviously this is an expensive way to do it when old but they both said it was more about making sure their children where set up in life and they would worry about that when the policies became to expensive. My uncle died at 33, I expect my aunt has now earned more in the past 25 years to have over taken any of his higher salary bringing up their child on her own.

I haven’t got my head around the fact that he doesn’t love me and even yesterday we spoke and I started to feel sorry for him again but then I think he lies! He says one thing and then says something that completely contradicts it. It’s weird. As you’ve all said he has a good job. We actually do pretty much the same job and he can obviously speak to people and communicate.

We don’t do anything nice together. He’s good at Christmas and birthday gifts but sometimes it feels like he does things cause he feels he has to. I’ll book something nice for his birthday and then he’ll take me about off a meal but make clear it’s because I’d expect something. I’ve always felt he’s not that bothered about spending time with me and he’s the kind of person who wants me more if I withdraw myself a bit. When I’m where he wants he completely takes advantage. We don’t do weekends away or anything. It’s just rubbish.

So part of me thinks what is my life with this man? We have a nice house in a nice place but I’m basically the one paying for it, it feels like, and we don’t do anything fun together. Once he has booked a weekend away but that’s it otherwise we don’t do anything unless I sort it and he doesn’t even initiate meals out. If I suggest it he says no he doesn’t feel like going it. If a friend calls or DSD wants to go out he’s all for it. It makes me feel like I’m nothing.

What I’m struggling with is that he does seem to be taking some things on board but then there will be something else not right. He’s said he’s going to do more housework so I’m not doing all the housework and paying more financially. I think this would be fair enough. BUT I don’t want to be spoken to the way he spoke to me the other day. Nothing makes that ok. And he still doesn’t acknowledge it.

I’m sure I’m repeating myself again but sometimes I need to vent and get down in black and white how he really treats me.

He didn’t ask me to take him to the station this morning which is a plus! But he made the point that he couldn’t get the bin out as the car is in the way so I had to get out to put the bin out. He didn’t have time although he was up for ages. Things like that annoy me now because I see it as a spiteful little way to make me get out of bed because he had to.

Wow.
Grown man can't move the bins.
Your car share is weird.
You pay all the bills,, all the fuel and should be grateful to sit in it. He is a barstool to you.
Being a couple should not be this much hard work on your part.
He is abusing your kindness.

He says one thing and then says something that completely contradicts it.

That's called gaslighting, OP.

Read up on it. My ex used to do it all the time. I never clocked on, I didn't have Mumsnet! It wasn't until I came on here that it started to make sense.

I thought I must have just misunderstood him, even when I was sure he'd said one thing, and he was telling me the opposite. I thought I must have just got it wrong.

I can guarantee you'll be loads happier without him. I'd put money on it!

What he did with the car was planned and he got what he wanted. It was never about cars, it was about you having something you loved.

He hates that you're "better" than him, so he has to take it all away. Turn it around and you take it all away. He's scum, OP.

And get an initial will sorted straight away, you can get another one done when you're divorced.

And the little red car thing will also be about you and your dad doing and having something together.

My mum bought me a lovely ad hoc pressie at a craft fair the three of us were at. Husband was furious. He didn't think I deserved it and it was outside his control.

Your car thing is a way of controlling you.

It's really shit that he never wants to spend time with you. He should want to take you out for dinner. I know not everyone does it but did he get you anything for valentines today?

Btw, good work on the red and blue car emojis earlier

@katmandoo I don’t think you’ve RTFT. I’m sorry you had two children with special needs. I can’t say what would happen if I have child with special needs but I’d consider any child a blessing and I would make it work as best I could with help from family probably. I didn’t order a dead baby either but I got one. That’s probably the jackpot as you want to call it! So thanks for that your sensitivity there. I know life doesn’t always go as planned, which I think was your point.

This isn’t about not wanted to behave as a married couple. The point is he doesn’t behave as such as that’s why I resent putting in so much. He takes from me in every way.

Also, as I’ve said many times, my initial intention was that I would leave everything house etc for DH to live in of course. I’m just talking about after we’re both dead and I’m not sure why I shouldn’t leave my share to my younger sis if I don’t have more children.

@Shoxfordian He hasn’t as far as I’m aware. I mentioned it and he said he’d been focussed on it being DD birthday but I have one for him. I forgot to give it to him this morning though!

My ex would swear black was white. I remember one time him saying, on the phone, that he was coming back Fri, it had always been Friday and what was I talking about asking him what time Thursday he was back (relevant because his son lived with us, we had a foster dog and I was out of the house 14 hours a day for work, so things had to be planned). I said he'd told me Thu, no he said, it was always Fri. I said I'm standing in front of the calendar and on Thu in your writing it says X back. I never wrote that, he said.
(It much later transpired that he had been meeting women from websites in hotel rooms when he was away on business and this explained why he was always so vague about when he was coming back).

He also continually broke things that were mine (and once laughed about one of them) but never his own things. And once he bought me a replacement of the thing he had broken as a Valentine gift!.

The car is a symptom isn't it? Most people just share cars, but nicely.

Sorry op but he's just a cunt. While you might love him it's probable that you love the idea of him because he sounds eminently unlovable!
It might be worth getting some counseling on your own to help you see the way forward.

katmandoo even a quick skim of this thread shows it isn't about an equal marriage, it's about an abusive one. The wills are just a symptom of a much bigger and darker problem. Also, your comments about kids with additional needs are insensitive at best - especially given OP is grieving the loss of her own child.

Interested it sounds as though your view is becoming clearer with each post. PP advice about seeing a solicitor to review your options seems like a good next step. Then you can plan the steps that follow. I can't remember if it's been suggested, but a chat with women's aid might help you to work things through a bit more.

Yeah I’m going to make enquiries about freezing my eggs first because that’s a priority. I’m also making sure I’m not giving too much financially or even looking at opening an account for sis. I feel a bit scrambled and emotional this week as it is and didn’t sleep well last night (hence some of my replies are probably a bit spikey) so Im trying not to do anything rash but posting on here is helping get my thoughts in order.

Little things are occurring to me like there is a panto in the village I live in and I’d like to go but DH won’t be interested. I have to find someone else to do it with. I feel like my choices are to stay in a relationship with this man (for what? to save face, to maybe have a baby? for the food times we sometimes have?) and find fulfilment elsewhere - do the fun things like travel and eat out etc with friends - or just leave him and be alone and still do those things with friends and maybe meet someone who actually wants to spend time with me...

You need to both write a legal Will with a solicitor as they are regulated

You then have to have put in a term called 'ring fencing'

So your will would read
'I'm my death my estate etc to go to my spouse, in the event of his death be it at the same time as you or later, then your asserts that he inherited to be passed to your living relatives.

His she be a mirror will in sense of his estate etc to go to you, when you die be at the same time or after, his half of estate to go to his child etc

My parents have a similar clause in their will that their half of their estate is to be split equally between their biological children after the death of last living spouse. So if one was to remarry and have more children/step children, they would not be able to stake a claim to that persons percentage of inheritance

You don't need to open an account for your sister, she must have an account, just send money to that. If you prefer, ask her to put it in a linked savings account, most banks do them.
I'm not sure you can open an account for another adult anyway.

@katmandoo

You didn't even bother to read the OP's posts, did you?

People need to read the OP's posts

Yes or could just transfer money to her

But to be honest part of what I’m thinking (and this could be wrong of me!) is if I stay with him and I’m always putting in more but he refuses to acknowledge that in our wills. And again I could be wrong for wanting a bigger percentage of our estate but the fucker won’t even buy my dinner (I just realised he finished the butter, as he often does, so I couldn’t have toast before I went out and now I’m hungry and hangry) then I am going to do my best not to put in more now.

I’m thinking what if I put a percentage of my salary in a separate account in my sister’s (and my) name so that if I die that money is there for her and my children. I’m sure it’s wrong but that’s how I’m thinking.

Then it all comes back to the position we’ve got to and I obviously shouldn’t be with this man because I feel so used and how can I have a relationship if it’s all about protecting myself from him?!

I’m sorry I’m all over the place.

You could have a joint account with your sister, but 1) the money would still be a marital asset I'm afraid, relevant in divorce or death and 2) even if dh didn't know about it, you cannot be sure she would gift it to your children (though most people would do the decent thing!).