Finances / wills (I earn more and he has DC)

[InterestedinOthersViews]

DH and I are married and we both earned equally when we got married. We recently moved into a new house and at that time DH changed jobs so he earns about £10k less than he did then. I’ve had promotions and earn about £10k more than I did when we got married. So now I earn about £20k more than him. I am ambitious and don’t rule out doubling my salary yet.

He has a DD. We had a DD together who died. We’d like more DC but there are no guarantees. I’m very aware of death and mortality since losing her so don’t assume I’ll have more children before I die.

Anyway DH is asking me to contribute more and more on the basis I earn more. He also pays CSM.

I pay more towards the mortgage and bills, I pay for all the food, I pay for the car and I pay for anything extra for the house or any work (house needs a lot of work since we moved in).

I’ve said if I am to pay more because I earn more, fine, but I’d like us to do wills which reflect this. If I don’t have DC of my own I want my share of all I have worked for (I am ambitious and expect my earnings to increase significantly yet whereas he’s happy on his average salary) to go to my family. I have a much younger sibling and would want my share in the house and money to go to them and my nieces and nephews if I die without any DC.

He is not happy with this and I think it’s because he sees it as being personal to his DC. Please don’t say “you knew he has kids” because yes I did but she has two parents. I feed her and buy her things and take her out when she’s here. DH pays the CSM. She would inherit from him and her mother who hasn’t had more children and is now unlikely to as shes late 40s. I don’t think DSD needs to inherit from me too.

He thinks if I earn more I should pay more. That makes sense because he can’t pay what he hasn’t got and tbh nothing would get done if I waited until he could pay half.

But if I dropped dead tomorrow the house and my savings etc would go to DH and then to his kids. Maybe his new wife and kids if he decided to go down that road. Am I wrong for thinking I want my share to go to my family (who could do with the money and supported me for a long time) only after we have both died?

How do we do this fairly?

Well he came in this morning and I told him I want a divorce

He came in and asked what I want to do today re DD. I told him. I asked if he wants to come. I said he can if he wants

I asked if he has anything else to say and he said no and he said I haven’t said much to him. Obviously this is because he was a twat the other morning. He said he shouldn’t have got that angry but I shouldn’t have said what I said and that what I said (which was something like can he make sure there’s diesel in the car when you bring it back) was offensive. He doesn’t know how else to express himself but again not in a way that he thinks he was wrong. He said he doesn’t want to get like that again as it’s not good for him so all he can do is stay away from me. He said he won’t go near my car again. I said he says that every week to get out of discussing the car but then takes the car as soon as he wants it. I also said it’s clear that he isn’t sorry for upsetting me. He thinks it’s fine that he upset me because I upset him. I tried to say that it’s not the same, we can disagree but screaming and shouting and swearing at me is different to just saying what you think and me disagreeing...

Anyway he said he won’t go near the car again but I should know that’s the first step to us splitting up. I said that’s then.

I’ve probably said above but I’ve tried to say I’ll share a car with him but we need to agree something about diesel and looking after it. Mainly don’t give me an empty car (he’s got better with this) but also keep it clean. I like a clean car, maybe cleaner than him, but that’s my choice when I pay for the car. It’s shit to have to share it and then it be dirty all the time. Last time we discussed it a week or so ago he wouldn’t agree and said he wouldn’t get in the car again so of course in Tuesday when he was taking the car and managed to hit the wall with the door I said something. He said he doesn’t get why I keep going on about it. I keep going on about it because we haven’t agreed anything! He ends every conversation saying I won’t get in the car. So when he takes the car as if nothing happened, of c have something to say about it

I don’t think I’m speaking a foreign language

Sorry I meant he asked if I want him to come...

Also he won’t believe I want a divorce (even I’m not sure) but maybe I shouldn’t have said anything to make today easier

But then I’m not sure I want him to come out with me making me feel uncomfortable so

He’s calling someone now 🤔

Just thinking of you today interestedinothersviews. You deserve more than this.

I do deserve more than this!

It’s just shit though that it took so many years and losing a DD to get to this point

Money wise the way we have things set up (I earn significantly more) are that we split the mortgage 50:50 as we want to own equal share in the property but then everting else is split proportionally say 65:35 based on relative earnings. I know this doesn’t address your main question about wills but it also seems as if you are feeling day to day living costs may not be fair? We did this so there is no resentment and will change it as our relative earnings change.

Ah sorry I see things have moved on.

If course you deserve more.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your dd, can you take a family member or friend with you to visit her grave with you?

With regards your marriage, maybe go consult a solicitor just so you know where your stand if you started divorce proceedings.

I do think freezing your eggs would be a really good idea, it gives you options.

"I need my spare car key, can you get it".

Said pleasantly.

I'd hate him to take your car today and I wouldn't put anything past him.

You can go to the grave by yourself. Or if that’s not possible, you can remember your DD in your own way at home, by yourself. There’s no rules about how to do this.

You could read a poem, play some music that’s special to you. Be mindful, pray, meditate or cry. Look at her photos. Write her a letter. Go for a walk somewhere beautiful and think of her. Plan a new future for yourself ( and perhaps her younger siblings ) in honour of her.

Whatever feels right to you.

Do you want to post here about her? We are happy to listen if you want to talk.

Or you could start a thread in bereavement, just about her. Name change if you don’t want it linked to this one.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I BEG you to leave the abusive motherfucker and go on and live the rest of your life in peace

Op he doesn't get why you keep bringing it up because he isnt going to stop taking the car. He has zero respect for you. He doesnt get why you think he does.

You are being abused. Honestly. Your thinking isnt clear.

Please be careful, OP. Enlist some real life support before he realises you're serious about divorce and turns very nasty (even nastier, that is).

I agree with anotheremma, the reason why this hasn't blown up in your face yet is because he doesn't think you're serious, he will just put it down to you being angry because of a row, and because of the timing around your daughter's birthday.

He will definitely get nasty once he realises you're serious.

You might have said you wanted a divorce to see if you got a reaction from him that you want, ie him saying sorry and changing his behaviour. He's already shown he's not going to do that.

What you need to try very hard to do is drop the subject and quietly seek legal advice as it's likely you'll be much better off making some changes re your finances before you officially seperate. These next few weeks are crucial OP so try and stay calm and plan logically what you're going to do next.

Well things were calmer again today as we were out doing things together. I’m still upset with him but try to just put that aside to focus on my DD. So as far as he is concerned the mention of divorce was meaningless and we all say things in the heat of the moment...

The trouble is as things are calm thats when I am so easily swept back up into thinking things are not so bad and he doesn’t handle stress well but I can handle it. I’m not quite there as I’m still upset with him and know he’ll continue to take advantage or at least that I’ll be taken advantage of.

Eg today we went to shipping for things for DD grave but also things at home. I paid in the first shop as it just seemed a given I would. So I didn’t go to pay in the next shop and busied myself with packing shopping. He paid but then suddenly got a bit wound up about how he’d spent £16 when he’d only gone in for one thing... I think he’d expected me to pay...

Anyway I know nothing is going to change so I am going to try to keep things calm but without just doing every thing he wants, not putting in more than necessary financially and looking into freezing my eggs.

I’m not ready to walk out the door though. I really am torn between what is worse. This or a divorce... the divorce is temporary discomfort though...

Thank you again for the support

I did have a thread in the bereavement page when I first lost my DD. Maybe I will go back there. I also have some online support from parents who have had similar losses

I just want him to realise what he’s doing and stop.

Oh, OP.

He knows EXACTLY what he's doing and he will never stop.

Please, please gather all your strength and leave him.

Yes he does just seem to not respect me.

Oh, OP, there's no SEEM about it! He doesn't respect you at all.

I havent read all the posts but what you are proposing is perfectly legal and quite easy to set up.

My parents (married for 45 years) have just done similar. Basically their wills are set as 50/50 ownership the ..

Whoever dies first their 50% goes to my sister and I but is held in trust whilst ever the other parent is still alive. Neither my sister nor I cam evict the surviving parent and the surviving parent cannot sell without our agreement. And in the event of a sale would only receive 50% of the value.

It protects my sister and I from any future spouse/family of the surviving parent but also means that the house cannot be sold to fund care in their dotage should one parent outlive the other... In the event of it having to be sold to fund care only 50% would be able to be taken into account and that would see them under the threshold for support (currently)

Your posts suggest that you want to set up something similar.... So whatever "split" you agree on (personally it ought to be 50/50 - if a man suggested what you are suggesting he would have his nuts roasted) so your dh's share would go into trust for his dd and your for your sibling/nice/nephew etc. The surviving partner maintains a life interest so it cannot be sold without all parties agreeing and funds being released which protects everyone.

I’m not ready to walk out the door though. I really am torn between what is worse. This or a divorce... the divorce is temporary discomfort though...

I was married to a hideously abusive man, OP. But I loved him. And you know what, ten years after I left him, I still have pangs when I suddenly remember what a laugh we had, how good we were together when everything was rosy. Sometimes I find it difficult to recall all the awful things he did. The worst was the gaslighting, when we'd agree on something, then he'd completely deny it and tell me we had only started to discuss it. By the end I thought I was mad and he encouraged those thoughts.

Slowly I started thinking about ending it, but I didn't believe I'd be able to get a divorce on unreasonable behaviour. I googled, and felt sick when I read all the things that constituted unreasonable behaviour. I thought I would have real difficulties trying to cobble together half a dozen, but there were dozens that fitted what I was going through! I was so upset. I realised then, that although I couldn't see it, I must be in a really bad situation.

You keep writing that he seems unpleasant, he seems unreasonable, he seems.....whatever else. he is a deeply, deeply unpleasant man who knows exactly what he's doing, and of course he can regulate his behaviour because, as another PP said, he has a job, he's not in prison. If he did these things with other people, OP, he'd get the sack, he'd have people calling the police on him!

I truly hope you eventually see that he chooses to be horrible to you, and he likes it that way.

Have you read the Lundy book? Why does he do that? I cannot recommend it enough for where you are mentally.

Sorry I have just read the rest of the thread.

At the risk of being considered hideously u reasonable... And part of your terminology may be because you have already got divorce in your head but as an alternative view point...

1. you seem very fixated on how much more you pay than he does and almost rubbing it in his face.
2. the recounting of what has been said... You have been quite patronising and antagonistic
3. you refer to it as your car rather than our car but it is a famiy/joint car
4. £400 maintenance is a lot on 30k for 1 child. My ex earns 40-45 and pays not much more than that for 2 kids. If he is struggling then that needs revisiting

Firstly I think you both need grief counselling and potentially marriage counselling. You have been through a horrific loss and neither of you appear to be dealing with it in a healthy or constructive way from your posts.

But mostly if a man had posted half the stuff you have about my car, I pay more, I should own more etc then he would be roasted alive.

I'm sorry, I know my view will be unpopular, and as an abuse survivor I can see the horror of behaviour but I can also see where you are maybe causing some of the reaction you are seeing... I know that sounds like victim blaming, it genuinely isn't, but I think you maybe need to step back and be objective about your own behaviour and motivation

@Tinyhumansurvivalist

The thing is it shouldn’t matter who puts in more on one thing or another as we should be a family and a team but the point is we are only a team when it suits him. We’re not a real otherwise. I am fixated on what I put in because he is nasty to me and doesn’t seem willing to do much for me or appreciate anything I do. I might earn more than him but I’m not made of money and he basically does what he likes and then expects me to pick up whatever he can’t pay for whether that’s bills, petrol, food, things for the house. If you’ve RTFT then I’m not sure why you think his behaviour is justified just because I acknowledge that I put more in. I didn’t used to but found that the more I gave the more he would take. He would let me pay for the car and yet walk or get the bus to the train station every day if he could get away with it. That’s the point I feel we’re at.

I have checked the maintenance and he now pays £300 a week based on £30k. He paid £400 until recently probably because he was on £40k but DSD doesn’t do regular overnights really now either. I don’t know but that’s by the by really. It has become the norm that I pay anything other than what he can contribute to the bills.

@SixesandEights Thanks for sharing your story. That’s what I’m afraid of: I do love him and I can just imagine being heartbroken and maybe even regretting leaving him for years to come. But then other times I just feel this obviously isn’t right.

He’s just very selfish.

Maybe what I didn't highlight in my post was that I am so, so, so much happier now than I was. I developed agrophobia and was afraid of leaving the house. He was very very nasty, and I felt everything was my fault, that I was defective because he'd be angry all the time. Walking on eggshells is absolutely the phrase. I tried to do things to be a better wife, and to make it so he wasn't like he was.

It's just that sometimes he'd be lovely, and I spent so long trying to make him "see" and to change the other aspect of him. And sometimes he would, but then he'd get angry and tell me he felt like he had to be on his best behaviour with me all the time. So I felt that that was my fault too! That making him behave like a decent human being was a bad thing! In the end I was apologising whenever I spoke to him because he'd sigh and roll his eyes and make a big thing about being disturbed. Then an hour later we'd be going out somewhere and we'd be having so much fun. It plays with your mind, OP. And that's not right.

Oh, and I never ever regret leaving. It was 100% the right thing to do!!! I just feel sad every now and again for the good bits we had, and I wish it had been like that all the time. But it wasn't and it would have been silly of me to stay and suffer just to experience them.

@SixesandEights I’m pleased you’re happier now. Well done for leaving. A lot of what you said sounds familiar unfortunately.