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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3 days reasonable to ask for help?

51 replies

Sorph · 08/02/2020 20:58

Dp asked mil before we got pregnant if she would be able to help us with childcare as we wanted to make sure we could afford etc. She said yea. Since then and now baby here she has said she can't help us because she looks after other gc 5x a week so she would have to ask them if she could help us. We only asked her to help for 3 days a month (in one go) to allow my dm time to see her other gc. Mil doesn't live local but has always come to stay in holidays etc for 3-5 days at a time and personally I think a visit once a month isn't too much to ask and would hope that she would want to see gc regularly. Mil has never got back to us about it, one way or another. I would completely understand if she said she didn't feel confident looking after a young baby etc ect but she gives impression its because she has agreed to help with other gc. Side note she did agree to help us while other gc mum not working so it wasn't like 'they got there first'. Do you think 3 days a month is reasonable to ask? I'm not going to mention it ever again and will just get along without her as my child is ultimately my responsibility not hers but I think it's her loss in the end. I'd be interested to hear if anyone else would be hurt by this? I kind of feel like well I know where our dc comes in the pecking order and feel sad for our dc. I also feel gutted for my dh as I know he feels really upset by this but doesn't want to upset his mum either. AIBU to think 3 days a month wasnt unreasonable to ask for even if she isn't local (2hr journey) ?

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2020 21:03

I'm not sure how 3 days a month saves you money and certainly enough to make having a baby viable or not?

It was wrong of her to say yes and then go back on it if the only reason she's saying no now is cos it didn't occur to her she'd already commuted to other gc. I don't think it's unreasonable of you to have asked ab to be out out that she's suddenly changed her mind. I'm also not surprised DH feels out out she's helping one child 5 days a week but can't help him out even a few days a week

Strugglingtoquit · 08/02/2020 21:06

Not sure how much help 3 days a month would be anyway tbh.

But yes, expecting her to travel to you every month for several days just to provide childcare is unreasonable. It’s too much of a tie and too disruptive to her other commitments.

noeyedeer · 08/02/2020 21:09

It's not unreasonable to ask, it is unreasonable to expect. Would she be doing a 4 hour journey 3x per month?

I would also factor that you asked before you were pregnant. At that point it was a hypothetical "yes". Even if you got pregnant straight away, it could be almost two years until your MIL was needed (factoring pregnancy plus maternity leave), and a lot can change in two years in terms of health, energy levels etc.

I'd also say this has little to do with "pecking order" and more to do with previous commitments and the issues mentioned above. YABU to equate GPs love to availability of free childcare.

MsVestibule · 08/02/2020 21:10

I can understand your DH (and you) being miffed, but there's just nothing you can do about it. Surely you didn't TTC based purely on his mum saying she would help out?

I guess if she's committed to looking after her (presumably) local GC every day, she can't just drop them for 3 days every month - it's very difficult to find ad-hoc childcare like that.

You'll just have to make your own childcare arrangements and as for your MIL building a relationship with your DC, wait and see what she does. It's all out of your hands really, so there is absolutely no point in worrying about it.

CoffeeNeeded2019 · 08/02/2020 21:16

There could be any number of reasons why it’s now not possible for Mil ; she may not have appreciated the length of time she’d be asked to help for, or the practicality/logistics of such an arrangement; she maybe thought you’d move nearer or thought the idea was more of a casual evening babysitting.

It absolutely does not mean that she loves your child any less; it’s simply not an option to rely on her for regular childcare and it sounds like she already has a lot on her plate. I know childcare is expensive but often people like the idea of helping but the reality is too difficult to commit to or their circumstances change.
It might be worth looking into adding a blend of more formal childcare to help balance things out for your mum.

MitziK · 08/02/2020 21:17

Could the other DC have put pressure on her to agree to 5 days a week and is now saying 'you can't abandon my child/ren for 3 whole days'?

1Morewineplease · 08/02/2020 21:18

Your situation sounds vague. So you you only want care three days in a row once a month?
Is your DM helping in the meantime? Why can’t you afford a nanny for three days?
Why are you relying on a parent who doesn’t live near you who has other commitments?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2020 21:22

Why can’t you afford a nanny for three days is having a Nanny for just 3 days a month a thing? And lots of people can't afford a Nanny 🤨

Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 21:32

msvestibles no we didn't ttc just cuz she said yes but we tried to make sure we knew where we stood first re childcare and if it was feasible with me working

Strugglingtoquit The 3 days is just to give my mum a break, it would help her a lot to have a week off.

Really grateful for another perspective friends tend to agree with you but people who don't know you will be truthful :)

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 08/02/2020 21:42

I think it's unfair to expect someone to travel every month just to do childcare if they're already providing childcare full time. When would (or does) MIL get a break?

I think you should pay for childcare alongside your mum proving care so she gets a break each week.

Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 21:44

We wouldn't relying on MIL we are relying on my DH and asking if she would do the 3 days to give DH the break but similarly if it turns out my mum can't do it, I tell her all time if it's not working/ its too much she just has to say as I know it's a lot to ask.

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Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 21:45

Typo meant DM.

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HalfBiscuit · 08/02/2020 21:46

How far away does she live?

SleepingStandingUp · 08/02/2020 21:47

So how many days a week will dm be pro idimg childcare?

Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 21:53

Dm will do the 3 days a week. She lives 2hr away. I really hope I'm making sense ?

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Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 21:57

Nerrserr that is a very valid point and has made me think differently. Although tbf when we asked she wasn't doing any other childcare as other gc had stay at home parent. x

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HalfBiscuit · 08/02/2020 22:01

Hmm. A 4 hour round trip is quite a lot.

lengthenmylutealphase · 08/02/2020 22:05

Can't you and your dh take turns using some annual leave to give your mum a break?

lengthenmylutealphase · 08/02/2020 22:09

And yeah, when does mil get a break?

I really think it's unrealistic to expect to be working parents and not have to pay for some kind of childcare.

RedskyAtnight · 08/02/2020 22:12

So your DM is going to drive 2 hours every week, stay for 3 days, 2 nights and then drive 2 hours home again? She'll do this for 3 week of the month and MIL (you're hoping will do it for the other week).

I think you need to rethink your whole childcare plan tbh. That's a huge commitment you're expecting from everyone.

Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 22:17

No the person who drives would be driving once a month not every week shine a light no one would do that every week.

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Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 22:19

Also we are paying for childcare the rest of the week is paid childcare

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AgileLass · 08/02/2020 22:22

Why can’t your DM see her other grandchildren on the days you have paid childcare?

Nonnymum · 08/02/2020 22:22

I think you were unreasonable to ask.. 2 hours away is actually quite a lot. 3 times a month is almost once a week and as it's a 2 hour trip she would probably have to stay overnight a couple of days so it turns into quite a big commitment.

Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 22:29

She doesn't get a break either way cuz she has other gc 5x a week whether she helps us or not.

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