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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3 days reasonable to ask for help?

51 replies

Sorph · 08/02/2020 20:58

Dp asked mil before we got pregnant if she would be able to help us with childcare as we wanted to make sure we could afford etc. She said yea. Since then and now baby here she has said she can't help us because she looks after other gc 5x a week so she would have to ask them if she could help us. We only asked her to help for 3 days a month (in one go) to allow my dm time to see her other gc. Mil doesn't live local but has always come to stay in holidays etc for 3-5 days at a time and personally I think a visit once a month isn't too much to ask and would hope that she would want to see gc regularly. Mil has never got back to us about it, one way or another. I would completely understand if she said she didn't feel confident looking after a young baby etc ect but she gives impression its because she has agreed to help with other gc. Side note she did agree to help us while other gc mum not working so it wasn't like 'they got there first'. Do you think 3 days a month is reasonable to ask? I'm not going to mention it ever again and will just get along without her as my child is ultimately my responsibility not hers but I think it's her loss in the end. I'd be interested to hear if anyone else would be hurt by this? I kind of feel like well I know where our dc comes in the pecking order and feel sad for our dc. I also feel gutted for my dh as I know he feels really upset by this but doesn't want to upset his mum either. AIBU to think 3 days a month wasnt unreasonable to ask for even if she isn't local (2hr journey) ?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 22:33

@Nonnymum it's once a month for 3 days in a row not 1 day per week 3x a month.

OP posts:

Iwannatellyouastory · 08/02/2020 22:34

Maybe your MIL thinks that as your mum is providing childcare for you three days a week you already have a lot of help and she is trying to help mind her other grandchildren. You want your MIL to provide childcare to give your mum a break, presumably so that your mum will keep on providing childcare indefinitely.
You are being ridiculously entitled and very unreasonable.
Your question should actually be am I being unreasonable to expect my DM to provide childcare 3 days a week 3 weeks in a month and also expect my DMIL to provide 3 days once a month. YADBU

Iwannatellyouastory · 08/02/2020 22:38

And don’t pretend you’re upset that your MIL doesn’t want to visit to see your child you are upset that she doesn’t want to come and provide you with childcare.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/02/2020 22:39

Maybe you should jut book childcare all week rather than expect grandparents to do it for you so you don’t have to pay. It’s an awful lot to put on others. When do they get to live their own life?

Ilovepinot · 08/02/2020 22:42

2 hours away means she is away from anything local she might want to do for 3 days.

Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 22:43

@Iwannatellyouastory that doesn't make sense- she helps 5x a week with other gc not mine. I get help 3x a week and am very grateful for it.

OP posts:

NeonSalamanda · 08/02/2020 22:44

It's unfair to expect any parent to provide childcare for you full stop.

NeonSalamanda · 08/02/2020 22:46

And, I would hope you would do everything possible to foster a positive relationship with all you child's grandparents without expecting them to provide childcare for you so I don't see how it's her loss at all.

AgileLass · 08/02/2020 22:48

You should all stop relying on grandparents for childcare, and pay for it yourselves. That’ll solve the problem.

Iwannatellyouastory · 08/02/2020 22:53

In that case I’ll put it simply, your MIL or your DM don’t have to do childcare at all it’s not obligatory, and you don’t sound in the least bit grateful, just complaining that you are not getting enough free childcare.

Waveysnail · 08/02/2020 22:53

If shes already providing childcare then what's going to happen to the gc shes looking after for 3 days you want her to do childcare? Out of curiosity how old is other gc?

PureAlchemy · 08/02/2020 22:53

It’s a lot to ask given how far away MIL lives, even if you’re going to have her stay in your house / pay for a local hotel during those 3 days.
Presumably the other grandchildren she cares for live locally to her so at least she gets to relax or socialise in her own home or area in the evenings?

I don’t think she’s being at all unreasonable to be reluctant to commit to this as a regular monthly thing.

IanSomerhalderIsAGod · 08/02/2020 22:54

AgileLass
Yeah it's really as easy as that 🙄

AgileLass · 08/02/2020 22:54

NC fail?

IanSomerhalderIsAGod · 08/02/2020 22:56

Who?

DonnaDarko · 08/02/2020 22:58

I actually agree with AgileLass and we're not big earners at all.

I personally won't be doing it for my kids. I'm going to fricking enjoy my retirement.

NeonSalamanda · 08/02/2020 23:00

Yeah, it is really as easy as that. People need to sort out childcare options without relying on unwilling elderly family members who have already done their fair share of child raising.

HeddaGarbled · 08/02/2020 23:03

I think both grandmothers should go on strike. They’ve raised their children, and now they’re raising their children’s children. These poor women need to be set free!

Rosebel · 08/02/2020 23:04

TBH it's unfair to expect any grandparent to do regular childcare. It's your child not theirs.

AgileLass · 08/02/2020 23:05

I think both grandmothers should go on strike.

Me too!

Blackbear19 · 08/02/2020 23:14

Op if 3 days childcare is too much for your mum, maybe ask for Tues & Thursday's and nursery Mon/ Wed/ Friday. Then your mum gets a break between days.

I think asking MIL to ditch her other DGC one week a month would be a disaster for all concerned. Where are there parents going to get ad hoc childcare? And if your mum is finding 3 days too much then that's a daily/ weekly problem that needs solved rather than monthly.

If your mum has holiday then maybe ask if DC can go to MIL for a few days or if nursery can cover it.

Greysparkles · 08/02/2020 23:16

I'm assuming she would have to start early in the morning, so would either have to get up at stupid o clock to drive 2 hrs to you or drive up the night before?
It's too much OP. Far too much to ask someone. I'm surprised you can't see that tbh. Would you want to do that?? Every month?!

Original poster

Sorph · 08/02/2020 23:27

Didn't take long did it for the nasty brigade to turn out. If I told my dm I was putting dc into ft childcare she'd go spare, she can't wait to have her to herself. I have a new perspective re the driving if you used to LD doesn't seem a big deal but obviously it is. Lot of talk here like grandparents don't want to help though but some do! I'll take the 79% yabu nowt wrong with a bit of constructive criticism. Thanks to those who helpfully contributed x

OP posts:

Blackbear19 · 09/02/2020 00:07

I don't think people are being nasty people are just seeing that what the Op is asking is a big much.

She's recognising that 3 days every week for her mum is too much.
And its not practical for MIL to do one day. The alternative of MIL doing 3 days sounded ok in theory but practically combined with commitment to other GC just doesn't work.

Blackbear19 · 09/02/2020 00:09

Sorry I didn't realise I was responding to you Op

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