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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Uninvited - how would you feel?

75 replies

Wickedwitchofthewest789 · 08/02/2020 11:27

A lady, we'll call her Sheila, invited me to an all day event she's holding. It's a sort of cookery course with a dinner in the evening. She invited me before Christmas and told me it would take place in February. We had a couple of conversations about it.

Roll forward to now, the event is taking place and my invite has clearly been withdrawn. I know this because Sheila has shown me the itinerary for the day which has the name of the attendees on it, my name isn't included and she although she's mentioned the event, she hasn't mentioned me being a part of it recently. It's happening tomorrow so I'm definitely uninvited.

To make it clear, I work with Sheila and we're not close friends. She's very wealthy (I'm not) and she mixes in circles I don't. I probably wouldn't have fitted in all that well but I am a little upset. AIBU? I know it's her event and she can invite who she wants, but to invite me and then uninvited me but still talk about it feels a bit odd.

OP posts:

APatchyTomCat · 08/02/2020 11:29

I'd think she was manually unstable.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/02/2020 11:29

Well she can do what she wants, but why didn’t you say to her “oh Sheila, my name isn’t on the list but you’ve invited me to join - I’d still love to come, when should I arrive?” And then let her tell you why you’re not invited anymore

ThePants999 · 08/02/2020 11:29

Sounds to me like she forgot she invited you.

20viona · 08/02/2020 11:30

As @ShirleyPhallus said. Let her feel awkward.

MadamePewter · 08/02/2020 11:30

I think YANBU ti be a bit upset, but personally I’d also be quite relieved I didn’t have to go

Pipandmum · 08/02/2020 11:30

I would have done as @ShirleyPhallus said. Why didn't you?

CakeandCustard28 · 08/02/2020 11:32

I’d do what @ShirleyPhallus said. Make her feel like the awkward one.

Original poster

Wickedwitchofthewest789 · 08/02/2020 11:35

:-) I don't think she's unstable.

I'd love to have the confidence to do what Shirley suggested but sadly who actually has?

I'm conflicted, somewhat relieved I don't have to take part in the rich ladies pissing contest but a bit put out at being uninvited.

OP posts:

Brazi103 · 08/02/2020 11:36

I wouldnt do what shirley said. It sounds desperate and begging.
You should just ask her why your name isnt on the invite given the many discussions she had with you.
It would make her feel awkward without you begging for an invite.

Bezalelle · 08/02/2020 11:36

Why didn't you ask her why your name wasn't on the list?

Have people suddenly lost the ability to communicate and assert themselves? Thread after thread of people unable to tell their bloody BIL to sleep in a bed not a couch, unable to tell interfering MILs to fuck off... I think schools need to start teaching assertiveness.

Original poster

Wickedwitchofthewest789 · 08/02/2020 11:40

Because it's real life @Bezalelle and unlike in Mumsnet world, in real life people aren't openly rude to one another, or overly confident or assertive, particularly where they have to work together afterwards.

Clearly my name wasn't on the list because she didn't want me there anymore, to have questioned this would be rude.

OP posts:

FuzzyAtmosphere · 08/02/2020 11:41

YANBU and it reflects poorly on her and her bad manners that she didn’t apologise to you to say that you weren’t invited after inviting you.

Original poster

Wickedwitchofthewest789 · 08/02/2020 11:43

Thanks @FuzzyAtmosphere that's what I was thinking. It was bad manners on her part.

OP posts:

MsPepperPotts · 08/02/2020 11:45

Well that's just plain mean/spiteful on her part
To invite you, then talk about it with you, then show you the attendee list without your name on it.
You were probably unknowingly just a space filler and now you are surplus to requirements.
Why she had to go down the route of being passive aggressive by showing you the list rather than being upfront and explaining to you why you were no longer invited is anyone's guess.

Clearly she does not value you as a person....
Some people are just naturally mean spirited and she seems to be one of them....
Having to work with someone as superficial/inconsiderate as her must be really difficult.

Cohle · 08/02/2020 11:45

I'd personally assume there'd been a misunderstanding or miscommunication of some kind rather than jumping to the assumption she's a rude cow.

I really do think you just need to ask.

messolini9 · 08/02/2020 11:46

Sheila is either forgetful, or an oddball, or likes playing games with folk.

Wicked, when you wrote ...
I know it's her event and she can invite who she wants, but to invite me and then uninvited me but still talk about it feels a bit odd.

... I wondered why you would not just say exactly those words to her.
They are perfect. Factual, not a big deal, & allows you to put her actions squarely back on her without you losing any dignity.

Plus the added benefit of making her STFU about her poncy event.
You're better off out of it, especially if she's a gameplayer, as I suspect.

BottleOfJameson · 08/02/2020 11:47

YANBU that's incredibly rude of her. If you're not sure whether you'll be able to invite someone just don't mention the event at all. Certainly don't tell them they're invited then bump them off the list later on!

Unhomme · 08/02/2020 11:47

Actually OP, I think it's fine to say "oh am I no longer invited" when you see the list of names without yours on it. It's not rude given you were invited and presumably blocked out the day.

Rosehip345 · 08/02/2020 11:47

It doesn’t sound like it was because she didn’t want you there but has forgotten she’d invited you in the first place.

BillHadersNewWife · 08/02/2020 11:48

She did it because she's a bitch.

So you don't want to go anyway. She set out to hurt you.

Ignore her from now on. I know this is real life so just withdraw the friendliness and keep things cool and professional.

user1493494961 · 08/02/2020 11:51

She probably had too many people coming and thought it was OK to ditch you. She doesn't sound a very nice person.

messolini9 · 08/02/2020 11:53

Because it's real life @Bezalelle and unlike in Mumsnet world, in real life people aren't openly rude to one another

But Wicked - in YOUR real life, this Sheila bint has been openly rude to you.
Until you counter that, are you not going to seethe?
Will it not leave you open to feeling you've been her victim, a bit-part player in her "rich ladies' pissing contest"?
(Perfect description btw, you did make me laugh :) )

Your own words in your own initial post are also perfect.
Sorry Sheila, but it's odd to invite someone, leave them off the itinery, & then expect to keep brightly chatting about it to said bit-part player.

If you don't call her out on it, I promise you she will see you as someone to play further games with. And as you have to work with the stupid bitch, I'd be very wary of allowing her to see she can walk on you & you won't squeak.

WalkingDeadTrainee · 08/02/2020 11:53

I'd think she was manually unstable.

Being manually unstable is no fun. I never know whether I will hit the nail or myself when using hammer

Smartanimal · 08/02/2020 11:55

Well you are wrong about being uninvited. You were definitely invited back last year but you definitely haven’t been uninvited since. She didn’t officially inform you verbally or in e-mail about being uninvited, so I would take it as still invited and would show up. If she says you were not invited just tell her what I wrote above.

Mayomaynot · 08/02/2020 11:57

She can invite anyone she likes, but it's not unreasonable of you to feel upset about it. At work I once saw a list of guests that a colleague had drawn up for her upcoming wedding. (I wasn't prying, she'd left it out and I had to read paperwork on her desk to do my job). She'd printed off a list of all the employers (not a huge number) and crossed off a few people that she wasn't going to invite. I was one of them. It stung a bit, even though I hate weddings and didn't even want to go. Being excluded can feel very hurtful, because it feels you have been found wanting as a person. But I got over it by reminding myself that I wouldn't actually have wanted to go and we were definitely colleagues rather than friends.

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