Uninvited - how would you feel?

[Wickedwitchofthewest789]

A lady, we'll call her Sheila, invited me to an all day event she's holding. It's a sort of cookery course with a dinner in the evening. She invited me before Christmas and told me it would take place in February. We had a couple of conversations about it.

Roll forward to now, the event is taking place and my invite has clearly been withdrawn. I know this because Sheila has shown me the itinerary for the day which has the name of the attendees on it, my name isn't included and she although she's mentioned the event, she hasn't mentioned me being a part of it recently. It's happening tomorrow so I'm definitely uninvited.

To make it clear, I work with Sheila and we're not close friends. She's very wealthy (I'm not) and she mixes in circles I don't. I probably wouldn't have fitted in all that well but I am a little upset. AIBU? I know it's her event and she can invite who she wants, but to invite me and then uninvited me but still talk about it feels a bit odd.

Perhaps she forgot she had invited you?

I say things to people that i forget quite a lot (menopausal brain!)

Clearly my name wasn't on the list because she didn't want me there anymore, to have questioned this would be rude.
No it wouldn't.
Unless we are dealing with some arcane etiquette from 18th century Parisian salon culture, it would be NORMAL & HUMAN to have a reaction to this.
And the ONLY person who would be rude is the person who thinks it's ok to issue an invitation, chat about it with the invitee, & then - without ever having the courtesy to say so uninvite the invitee, keep banging on about the event, & expect the ex-invitee to keep schtum.

She is weird, & she is toying with you.

I've seen the event is today? - so it'll be over when you see her at work again?
If (When, if she's playing with you as I reckon she is) she starts up again about her bloody socialite of the year event, just shut her down.
Say what you wrote to us, or "Sheila, it's odd to invite someone then make it clear they're not invited, your call of course but don't expect me to be interested".

That is NOT rude! It is simply making sure she is aware you know what a boundary is, & will draw yours up when she tramples on them.

I don't think it's overly confident or overly assertive to ask why your name isn't on this list, it's 'just' confident and assertive. And there are plenty of people in the 'real world' who do this, thank god, and the rest of us should be striving for this, not hiding away and saying it's rude when it isn't at all!! Just send her a message and ask her! Either she forgot or she has deliberately excluded you, either way, then at least you'll know. These things don't come naturally to me at all, but I am fed up of living quietly and resentfully when I can just ask.

I don't think that the response suggested by ShirleyPhallus is so out there that you couldn't sent it. I would personally send it. She has been rude and is getting away with it without actually being overtly rude if you see what I mean.

She is clearly lacking in social skills and is definitely not a friend. Don't bother with her again and distance yourself from her.

I don't really see the point of this thread. 'How would you feel?' I think you know that anyone who was in your position would be feeling shit. No one likes being taken for a fool and treated as second best.

I would assume she had forgotten
Or she no longer wants you there and is brazening out!

Not worth thinking about it - move on

I don't understand why it would be rude or desperate to have said something like "o I think you've missed my name off the list my mistake"...tbh that would be what I would assume had happened, rather than assuming she's been rude enough to uninvite you without saying anything about it.

YANBU, Sheila is a rude wanker.

Do something more fun instead.

I would of said why is my name not on the list . She invited you then showed you the list , it's a bit odd did she forget ?
You can't actually be miffed with her because you didn't say anything to her . If she forgot then she could of said oh I forgot sorry . If she didn't want you to come she'd avoid you and never mention it / tell you it's cancelled but to show you the list if she didn't want you to come is mean and is she a mean person ?
I'd clear this up with her and say I'm not in the list what's happened? .

Are you seeing her today? If so (if you don’t want to go) I’d say “Just want to check that you’re not expecting me tomorrow, as I noticed my name wasn’t on the current list.”

Otherwise, I’d just ask if she’s expecting you tomorrow as she’d invited you earlier.

No big deal, either way, just you wouldn’t want her to think you’d stood her up if you weren’t there.

I would assume she forgot she invited you otherwise why on earth would she show you the list?? Surely she would just not mention it and hope you would forget about it? Unless she is even ruder than we first thought......

Actually, I’d ring or text if I wasn’t seeing her today, in case she is expecting you! You have the perfect get-out if you don’t want to attend, as you made other arrangements after seeing your name wasn’t on the list yesterday.

It seems really weird to start giving a work colleague the silent treatment on the assumption she's some kind of rude Machiavellian monster, without bothering to have a quick chat to work out what's happened.

Do people really hate communication that much??

How well do you know her? Could it have been a genuine oversight?

If she has form or you suspect she’s being horrid, consider it a handy warning to watch your back around her both at work and out. Obviously YANBU to feel a bit peeved.

If you don’t actually want to go I wouldn’t say anything, particularly since you work together. The time to have spoken up was at the time - but I totally see why you were too flummoxed, I would have been too.

If she tries it again you’ll be wise to her.

I think she's forgotten. I wouldn't bother to say anything if she's just a colleague.

Are you absolutely sure you're uninvited? Because if someone invited me to something and was showing me the itinerary a couple of days before I'd assume I was still invited but there had just been a mistake with the list.

Why else would you show someone the itinerary?

Honestly you need to communicate rather than try and second guess. Give her a call or a text today and just ask!

It's like she's just avoided a very awkward conversation and banked on you figuring out that you're uninvited. That's cowardly, awkward and rude.

In fact, say a version of that to her on Monday.

@Wickedwitchofthewest789 ''Sheila! It's lucky I figured out that I was UNINVITED huh?!, imagine if I hadn't figured that out! I could have shown up!''.

I find it's all down to the tone when reacting to these things; personally, when shown the list, I'd have gone for a calm smile and a slightly breezy "I see my name's not down - am I still supposed to be coming or what?"

That way the response is all up to her; she can't claim you've been rude or pushy, and if she stutters uncomfortably or is even downright rude, you can just stroll away with the same calm smile

That's true though, if she was uninviting you would she keep talking about it, to you?!

Had you actually said yes please to the invite. It could be that she'd got the impression that you weren't going.

You demonstrate that you have more class in your little finger than Sheila by very tactfully never mentioning her appalling bad manners.

Yes, given your outline of said event I'd be irritated to be snubbed BUT it would be very quickly overtaken by relief that I was no longer obliged to go. Sounds very dull plus you'd then be on closer terms with her which sounds like something to (politely) avoid.

It sounds to me like a sales pitch to a captive audience for Thermomix machines, disguised as a dinner party. It's their preferred format for trying to drum up new business. Then when you buy one, they'll be on at you to host a dinner party for a new captive audience to pitch to.

These food processors that also cook are hugely expensive and the people who host the parties are encouraged by the agents, who then give them a commission on any new sales.

They are good machines but insanely expensive and much of that cost just goes in sales commission and agent's fee. Think of it as a posh Tupperware party.

Call it a lucky escape. Maybe she's chosen to only invite her wealthier friends because they are the ones most likely to afford the bit of kit.

Are you certain she actually invited you before? She wasn't just sounding you out when thinking of booking it along the lines of 'do you think this is something you would want to go to' rather than 'I have booked this and would like you to come'?

I wouldn't assume she was being rude. I'd think she'd forgotten about the invitation, especially as I can be forgetful myself.
If I was Sheila would hate to think you were quietly stewing about me being rude and would much prefer you to say something at the time, like "Is this the event you invited me to, or will there be another one?"

Did she actually invite you, or was it a casual ‘oh you must come’ comment, probably thrown in so she could talk about how fabulous her event was and in turn how great she was.
She’s either a deeply insecure individual that likes making people feel like shit by doing stuff like this and she’ll be found out eventually, if not already. Or maybe she just forgot she’s invited you.
I don’t think it rude to ask what’s happened to this invite. If you do it in the right way. ‘ hey, where’s this invite Tracey ? I was really looking forward to the event’.
If she’s a head fuck then you’re rightly putting her on the spot and making her feel like shit, which she’s deserving of. if she’s forgetful you’re just reminding her.