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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited - how would you feel?

75 replies

Wickedwitchofthewest789 · 08/02/2020 11:27

A lady, we'll call her Sheila, invited me to an all day event she's holding. It's a sort of cookery course with a dinner in the evening. She invited me before Christmas and told me it would take place in February. We had a couple of conversations about it.

Roll forward to now, the event is taking place and my invite has clearly been withdrawn. I know this because Sheila has shown me the itinerary for the day which has the name of the attendees on it, my name isn't included and she although she's mentioned the event, she hasn't mentioned me being a part of it recently. It's happening tomorrow so I'm definitely uninvited.

To make it clear, I work with Sheila and we're not close friends. She's very wealthy (I'm not) and she mixes in circles I don't. I probably wouldn't have fitted in all that well but I am a little upset. AIBU? I know it's her event and she can invite who she wants, but to invite me and then uninvited me but still talk about it feels a bit odd.

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 08/02/2020 12:46

Well that's a really shitty thing to do. She might be wealthy, but she's also rude.

Frenchw1fe · 08/02/2020 12:47

I would have taken the itinerary and stared hard at it for a while.
When she asked’what are you looking for,’ I would have answered
‘my name, which should be on here according to previous conversations we had about my invite.’

Blackandgreenteas · 08/02/2020 12:48

Might she have thought you hadn’t accepted the invitation?

74NewStreet · 08/02/2020 12:51

I’ll bet she hasn’t forgotten at all. Why would she show you the cast list, as it were, if not to rub your nose in it?

user68901 · 08/02/2020 12:54

you've completely jumped to the wrong conclusion. She showed you the itinerary because you'd been invited and thought you'd be interested to see it. She just clearly forgot to add your name to the list. I bet if you asked her she'd just say "oops" and add your name.

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 08/02/2020 12:56

relieved I don't have to take part in the rich ladies pissing contest

Maybe she has picked up on your antipathy to her friends?

TimeForPlentyIn2020 · 08/02/2020 13:02

unlike in Mumsnet world, in real life people aren't openly rude to one another, or overly confident or assertive

There is no such thing as ‘overly’ assertive. I suspect you mean aggressive. Honestly OP, it is possible to be assertive in real life. I might need to go away and think about things first though when flummoxed, or put on the spot, but it does happen. In the scenario you describe I would say something because my assumption would be that there had been a mistake with the list and that I would be being rude not to turn up!

nacher · 08/02/2020 13:08

WhereShallWeMoveTo has it. It's a selling party, a barely concealed pyramid scheme.

You've been saved from a highly embarrassing evening OP.

GrouchoMrx · 08/02/2020 13:37

Why not ask her?

She certainly has some power over you if you are afraid to ask her.

Oulu · 08/02/2020 13:51

I suspect that she hasn't made a decision that she doesn't want you there any more, she simply forgot that she'd asked you.

What was the context for showing you the itinerary?

Dieu · 08/02/2020 13:53

It seems odd that she showed you the itinerary, having gone back on her invite!
Maybe she sensed that you weren't keen when she invited you.

BalloonSlayer · 08/02/2020 13:57

Are you sure you accepted the invitation?

I was wondering if there was money to pay or something that hadn't been made clear and an email had gone round to invitees to say "confirm this and pay £ by so and so date," and yours went to spam so you didn't get it.

So Sheila thinks you decided not to come . . .

TheNoodlesIncident · 08/02/2020 13:59

I'd just assume she's forgotten, she did invite you back in December and who knows what's been going on since then. It seems far more likely than her being very spiteful and nasty for no apparent reason at all?

If you did still want to go, you could mention it, but since you feel relieved about it perhaps it's best to just let it go.

burnoutbabe · 08/02/2020 14:02

i'd have just have said, when shown the itinerary", oh yes, i am looking forward to it", i'd not have scanned the invite list for my name as such unless specifically asked to look at that list for some reason.

it also depends how the invite was sent - an actual email/card saying come to event on XYZ, location Y, RSVP and I'd RSVPd (and then I'd have gone along anyway on the Saturday), or just a casual "i am doing this in feb, you should come, will see who is interested" where i'd wait for an actual invite of time/date/location.

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 08/02/2020 14:02

A friend once forgot she'd invited me to a birthday day drinks and meal out, and I rearranged my entire plans to leave my uni town for the summer to accommodate her birthday and bought a gift.

She then decided to restrict her numbers to people who belonged to a specific group, there was a lot of crossover between friends and all stood up for me.

I had bought a really nice gift but she still on the day treated me like an absolute dog turd who had imposed on her day.

In hindsight I wish I/my friends hadn't forced the issue and I'd sent a card with the gift instead saying "This is the gift I bought you when you invited me and before you uninvited me, fuck you very much" but I was a lot less confident/eager to be liked then

My point is : If you force the issue, you'll feel like you don't belong all day and it's super shit.

Boireannachlaidir · 08/02/2020 14:03

We had a couple of conversations about it.

Did you confirm you could make the date?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 08/02/2020 14:07

Oooo

I've just seen WeShall's post that is TOTALLY what this is.

Celebrate your lucky escape OP

GertiMJN · 08/02/2020 14:18

I'd assume miscommunication or lapse of memory before assuming batshit rude. Because it is quite bizarre behaviour to show the itinerary to a previously invited guest as a way of uninviting them ....

So, unless she has displayed irrational and rude behaviour previously, I would let it go.

If she has been crazy rude before why did consider going to this event?

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/02/2020 14:40

It does sound rude, yes. Is there any chance she thought you’d declined and her showing you the itinerary was your “in” to change your mind?

emilybrontescorsett · 08/02/2020 14:47

Sheila sounds very rude. Either that or forgetful.
I wouldn't bother .much with her. Just be pleasant but not over friendly.

VenusTiger · 08/02/2020 15:23

She's going to think you rude if you assume you're no longer invited and don't turn up OP. Just call her and ask if you're still on for xx date dinner party. I don't understand what's wrong with just asking for clarification- what are you afraid of? If you don't want to go, make an excuse.

Skysblue · 08/02/2020 15:46

Maybe she wasn’t clear if you were coming or not and showed you the itinerary in case you wanted to be added.

It’s possible you’ve been uninvited but it sounds more likely there’s a miscommunication and she thinks you’re not up for it.

Saying stuff about her other friends being more wealthy makes me wonder if you’re being a bit insecure/ paranoid about it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/02/2020 16:06

"Sheila has shown me the itinerary for the day which has the name of the attendees on it, my name isn't included"

That's the bit that I find odd - her showing you the itinerary. Why would she do that, if she had 'uninvited' you? Of what earthly interest would it be to you, if you were not a part of it?

In your shoes, I would probably not have said 'why is my name not on the list', but I WOULD have said - 'is this the event you invited me to or a different one?' Regardless, that ship has sailed.

So - the event is happening tomorrow and you are actually "somewhat relieved I don't have to take part in the rich ladies pissing contest" (love that description!). Two possibilities:

  1. Sheila is expecting you, and the list of names was a list of people she had to contact other than face-to-face and you weren't on that list because she'd be seeing you at work
  2. Sheila is not expecting you, the list was all invitees, and she's a rude cow for rubbing your nose in being dropped

If she is expecting you, on Monday have your surprised and innocent face ready when she asks why you didn't come, along with 'Oh, I assumed this was a different event, because my name wasn't on the list you showed me!'.

If she wasn't expecting you and she is indeed one rude madam - I'd just distance myself from her. She's not a close friend, and whether she's ditzily forgetful or likes to make herself feel important/bountiful - it really doesn't matter. She's just a work colleague. Should she ever raise it later, I'd just look puzzled.

NewName54321 · 08/02/2020 18:10

Would she be expecting you to help out on the day (a kind of poor-relation skivvy) rather than actually be a guest?

RaisinsRuinEverything · 08/02/2020 18:59

Maybe it’s an oversight? Why would she show you the programme if you weren’t invited?
Do you want to go? If so, mention it to her. If not, here’s your get out Grin
Have you paid anything? If so, just turn up on the day and assume it was a mistake.

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