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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Accidentally opened valentines gift

82 replies

LongWalkShortPlank · 08/02/2020 10:13

I've accidentally opened a box this morning containing britney spears fantasy perfume which I can only assume is my valentines gift my boyfriend mentioned he had bought. A bit of background, our relationship is currently long distance due to work and my boyfriend has anxiety/adhd. One of the coping methods his therapist suggested was my perfume sprayed onto cotton wool, so I bought him a bottle to use which was MIDNIGHT fantasy. Now generally I don't use that anymore since finding the verset range, which he does know and he knows I have plenty, he had just visited. But even if I did need some its the wrong perfume, and there's really no excuse when he has a bottle right there, is there?
I'm a little hurt and disappointed I think and I don't want to upset him or seem ungrateful but we've had almost this same scenario before with sunglasses. He uses the excuse that he's bad at buying gifts but honestly I think he just impulse buys the first thing he sees whether he thinks I'll like it or not, which I'm aware could be influenced by adhd. So I don't know what to do, or say. If anything? I'd like to return it really. I won't use it and don't want to waste it. I'm sure he paid a stupid amount for what is a generally reasonably/cheap priced perfume. Aibu to bring it up nicely or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:

Youcunnyfunt · 08/02/2020 10:16

It might not even be for you! Hold your horses!

Lockheart · 08/02/2020 10:17

It could be thoughtlessness, it could be he's been sent the wrong one by the seller, or it could be that he thought you'd like to try a new one. The only way to know is to talk to him and not MN.

TomeOfSomething · 08/02/2020 10:18

Its only like £15 in boots, so it's not a lot

Original poster

LongWalkShortPlank · 08/02/2020 10:20

It's definitely for me, my daughter is 6, lol. That's true. Could be a mix up. I know it's cheap, but he is one of those who will buy the first one he sees so I know he hasn't paid £15.

OP posts:

BacklashStarts · 08/02/2020 10:22

If it is for you then you should nicely say something about it being wrong otherwise you’re just setting yourself up for years of this. If he is poor at buying gifts then that is something that he needs to improve on not think ‘oh well that’s that then.’

You have been very good with him about his needs but that is a two way street. I happened to know quite a lot of people with neurodivergences and this is not a trait which runs through those with ADHD. It is however a trait that seems to run through many men.

Whatsername177 · 08/02/2020 10:24

Erm, its just valentine's day - surely a token is all that is needed?

Lindy2 · 08/02/2020 10:26

If he has ADHD then he almost certainly does impulse buy. But....

He's bought you a gift
His intentions are kind and he has thought of you.
He has planned ahead and bought it in time for Valentines Day.

I don't see what there is to bring up. Ok it's not quite what you would have chosen but most gifts aren't in reality. Can't you just say thank you and appreciate what you've been given?

Original poster

LongWalkShortPlank · 08/02/2020 10:29

I agree, I think it's happened quite a few times now and he has been using his diagnosis as an excuse for quite a few things rather than even trying to work out what extra support he may need there, instead leaving that to others. Sometimes the gifts have been the top amazon result when you search "girlfriend gift" and it's the thoughtlessness of it. I wouldn't have cared what the gift was really, it's not about the money of it but the thought. I think we'll talk about it, gently.

OP posts:

TokyoSushi · 08/02/2020 10:30

Exactly what @Lindy2 said!

katewhinesalot · 08/02/2020 10:30

Just say you opened it by mistake and be honest. If he's crap at buying gifts you'll have to teach him to be better. Not just stuck it up.

We only buy each other cheap token gifts so it doesn't matter if they don't hit the spot. If proper money is to be spent, we like to choose our own things.

GiveHerHellFromUs · 08/02/2020 10:33

He probably didn't even realise there's two with really similar names.

Whatsername177 · 08/02/2020 10:40

Or, tell him what you want. Write a list and let him choose. My dh is terrible at buying gifts. He goes way over the top and spends a fortune but often buys something I dont really want. For Christmas, we agreed a token gift from the kids only. I was thinking a box of Ferrero Roacher. He bought me three huge boxes and a weighted blanket. When my birthday rolls around, I give him a list to choose something from. Ok, so I'm never going to be surprised, but I wont be disappointed either. I thought I was 'safe' this Christmas as we'd agreed a token, then he went off piste! We did giggle though. For Valentines day, it's not something I'm bothered about so I dont care if he gets me a gift or not.

CakeandCustard28 · 08/02/2020 10:45

If your making a big deal out of this... (with ADHD impulsive is part of it, he might not be able to help it) then maybe you two aren’t suited?

NoSquirrels · 08/02/2020 10:47

Can't you just say, "Thanks, love - would you mind if I swapped it for a different fragrance?"

If gifts matter to you, you are probably in for a world of disappointment. He's very much unlikely to get better at it!

My DH is an extremely thoughtful gift-giver, in that he puts lots of thought into it. Alas, his ideas of my tastes are not remotely similar to what I'd choose.

You know what they say, you cannot change someone else, you can only change your own reactions. Don't get all upset about it, just de-prioritise gifts as an 'act of love'. He can show he loves you in other ways.

smashstore · 08/02/2020 10:47

he has been using his diagnosis as an excuse for quite a few things

Yeah that's not how it works. Maybe get yourself more educated in his condition and stop acting as if you are 12.

NoSquirrels · 08/02/2020 10:50

I wouldn't have cared what the gift was really, it's not about the money of it but the thought.

You see, if you say this to him he will be confused. You'll be saying you "don't care what the gift is" at the same time as saying "the gift you bought me was wrong". You'll be saying "it's the thought that counts" and he'll be thinking "but I DID think about it, and I got a gift."

Honestly, if you want him to buy you things you like, you need to give explicit instructions. If you want a surprise, you need to be prepare to be surprised - and not always in a delighted way.

Boom45 · 08/02/2020 10:54

Where is the Britney Spears perfume expensive? I thought it was one of the reasonable priced ones? He may have wanted to get you a different perfume as you already had plenty of the other one so went for a different sort of the same make which is actually quite sensible.
I think you're overreacting a bit.

Boom45 · 08/02/2020 10:56

Also, I've exchanged perfumes that my DH has bought me before and he's fine with that. Perfume is quite personal so it's easy to explain why you'd want to exchange. And, if he's spent loads on it unnecessarily then you can get a much better perfume as a replacement. Everyone's a winner

collywobblescar · 08/02/2020 11:00

I think you're being unreasonable, Valentine's Day is a token gesture, he's tired and men aren't exactly known for attention to detail. Just say thank you and get over it

crosspelican · 08/02/2020 11:01

This bugs me because if he was at work, he would not bring the Dynamic Widget Acquisition Strategy Report to a meeting instead of the Automated Whistle Acquisition Strategy Report.

Because he would make sure he KNEW which report was the one for the meeting and the similarity in name would not confuse him in the slightest. Because it MATTERED.

I don't like this "my DP/DH is so bad at buying gifts" because how is it any different from the basic intelligence required for navigating a job? You know what is expected, you pay attention and you deliver.

Sorry - no help at all OP! I probably wouldn't say anything and just give it away. If he asks specifically about it, just say "Oh thank you, but I don't wear it - it didn't suit me. I wear XYZ perfume."

kenandbarbie · 08/02/2020 11:03

I think he's got mixed up as the names are similar. Easily done. What's the big deal? Say thank you and either exchange it for something you want or just use it for spraying in your drawers to make your knickers and socks smell nice.

crosspelican · 08/02/2020 11:03

and men aren't exactly known for attention to detail then why do they occupy the overwhelming majority of leadership positions globally? They ARE known for their attention to detail - when they give a shit.

Wearywithteens · 08/02/2020 11:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Toffeecakes · 08/02/2020 11:04

You sound really ungrateful, you don’t have to accept a gift it’s wrong but generally nice people just say something alongside the lines of it’s not quite right - then exchange it.

You sound like you want to rip his head off. He has anxiety, it’s not an excuse it’ a bloody reason he might not get things quite right. Coupled with ADHD I think he’s probably finding most day to day things a bit of a struggle. You sound like you make things worse, picking over an honest mistake like that and obviously it’s happened before with your references to ‘the sunglasses’. Educate yourself and stop being such hard work for him.

1066vegan · 08/02/2020 11:05

I think you're being ungrateful. He knows that you wear perfume so thought you'd like some for a present. OK, he messed up and got one that you wouldn't wear but it's hardly the end of the world.

I hope you took as much care with his valentines present as you wanted him to have taken with yours.

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