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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Accidentally opened valentines gift

82 replies

LongWalkShortPlank · 08/02/2020 10:13

I've accidentally opened a box this morning containing britney spears fantasy perfume which I can only assume is my valentines gift my boyfriend mentioned he had bought. A bit of background, our relationship is currently long distance due to work and my boyfriend has anxiety/adhd. One of the coping methods his therapist suggested was my perfume sprayed onto cotton wool, so I bought him a bottle to use which was MIDNIGHT fantasy. Now generally I don't use that anymore since finding the verset range, which he does know and he knows I have plenty, he had just visited. But even if I did need some its the wrong perfume, and there's really no excuse when he has a bottle right there, is there?
I'm a little hurt and disappointed I think and I don't want to upset him or seem ungrateful but we've had almost this same scenario before with sunglasses. He uses the excuse that he's bad at buying gifts but honestly I think he just impulse buys the first thing he sees whether he thinks I'll like it or not, which I'm aware could be influenced by adhd. So I don't know what to do, or say. If anything? I'd like to return it really. I won't use it and don't want to waste it. I'm sure he paid a stupid amount for what is a generally reasonably/cheap priced perfume. Aibu to bring it up nicely or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:

crosspelican · 08/02/2020 11:05

Perfume is such a risky one though. Unless you have specifically heard your partner say "I love XYZ perfume in the Eau de Parfum and would love to have it" in the last 4 weeks, it's such a punt. Even I check and double check with my DH before getting his fave Diptyque, which was selected on a couple of deeply contemplative trips to Space NK - I wouldn't risk assuming I knew what he would like.

smashstore · 08/02/2020 11:06

Also, why kind of therapist is encouraging him to be dependant on you? Because that's really not ok.

Toffeecakes · 08/02/2020 11:06

Weary it’s a slight difference in the name - he has put thought into it. If he’d bought a random bottle of perfume I’d agree with you. But it’s not quite the same.

Toffeecakes · 08/02/2020 11:08

What have you bought for him OP?

FrivolousPancake · 08/02/2020 11:09

I would understand the dismay if he had given you a Britney Spears perfume in general- I would assume it was for the 6 year old or some sort of joke gift.

But if you wear the same perfume but a different version the how can you be offended?

category12 · 08/02/2020 11:10

You see, if you say this to him he will be confused. You'll be saying you "don't care what the gift is" at the same time as saying "the gift you bought me was wrong". You'll be saying "it's the thought that counts" and he'll be thinking "but I DID think about it, and I got a gift."

This ^.

Also, maybe he liked the smell of it and thought you would too, thought you might like to try something different. you might as well buy your own presents if you're not prepared for any deviation.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 08/02/2020 11:10

You don’t have an actual problem that needs solving.

BrokenWing · 08/02/2020 11:12

Your bf chose a perfume and bought it for you for valentines day. Maybe he thought you would like to try something different or add to your perfume collection. You do sound ungrateful.

Accept it, sniff it, say its lovely, take it home and then wear it or put it away in a drawer/bin later. Its a £15 bottle of perfume, no need to overthink it.

JorisBonson · 08/02/2020 11:14

Oh my god the man tried to buy you something you'd like and got it a bit wrong.

LTB. And call the police.

Daffodil55 · 08/02/2020 11:15

Use the perfume as a room spray if you do not like it much. Then at some point say you have found a lovely new fragrance which is now your favourite and write down the name of it and deliberately put it in his pocket as you give him a kiss, or some other act like that.

Not something worth fretting over in my view.

kingkuta · 08/02/2020 11:15

It's a gift. You didn't ask him to go out and buy a specific perfume, how can you possibly be pissed off. Maybe he thought as you like one type of britney spears perfume you might like to try another. What the fuck is wrong with that?

You sound VERY hard work. And nosey as well. Accidentally opened it my arse!

PepePig · 08/02/2020 11:15

You're ungrateful. Childish. And a bit pathetic tbh.

Get a grip and stop blaming his ADHD for everything. If he's such a nuisance just break up with him.

BacklashStarts · 08/02/2020 11:17

sorry op but in mumsnet if you want a present you are considered a needy child. I have never encountered this anywhere else but basically the rule is you put in loads of thought for everyone else but are happy with nothing/a potato in a bin bag yourself.

Or, maybe we all just raise our standards a little and expect to be treated as we treat others.

BacklashStarts · 08/02/2020 11:19

She doesn’t blame his adhd he does. Adhd doesn’t make you inconsiderate, it doesn’t make you uncaring and it doesn’t make you unable to learn. He has a personality beyond his adhd.

DowntownAbby · 08/02/2020 11:19

Christ. You sound like incredibly hard work.

Poor bloke :(

BacklashStarts · 08/02/2020 11:20

Then at some point say you have found a lovely new fragrance which is now your favourite and write down the name of it and deliberately put it in his pocket as you give him a kiss, or some other act like that.

Jesus!

JorisBonson · 08/02/2020 11:20

@BacklashStarts it's not about her wanting a present; the man went to the effort to try to get her something, got it wrong, and OP is throwing her toys out the pram.

category12 · 08/02/2020 11:20

sorry op but in mumsnet if you want a present you are considered a needy child

But she's got a present, it's just not exactly right. There's a big difference from getting sod all and getting something from someone who has at least tried.

Daffodil55 · 08/02/2020 11:21

Backlashstarts

A potato in a bin bag??!!!!

Gawd I would be deliriously happy with a pebble in an envelope if it was sent with love.

kingkuta · 08/02/2020 11:23

She has got a present though BacklashStarts. One that obviously her DP chose thinking shed like it. Sometimes presents just dont hit the mark despite how much thought is put into them.

Fact is though, the OP doesnt even know this is for her, given that she found it by snooping.

Nanna50 · 08/02/2020 11:27

This bugs me because if he was at work, he would not bring the Dynamic Widget Acquisition Strategy Report to a meeting instead of the Automated Whistle Acquisition Strategy Report.
He might

Because he would make sure he KNEW which report was the one for the meeting and the similarity in name would not confuse him in the slightest. Because it MATTERED.
Not always

I don't like this "my DP/DH is so bad at buying gifts" because how is it any different from the basic intelligence required for navigating a job? You know what is expected, you pay attention and you deliver.
Its not that simple with ADHD, really it's not.

@LongWalkShortPlank how much do you know about ADHD, he's not being selfish, advance planning can be quite hard and poor memory is common. Processing information can be overwhelming.

Lindy2 · 08/02/2020 11:31

This bugs me because if he was at work, he would not bring the Dynamic Widget Acquisition Strategy Report to a meeting instead of the Automated Whistle Acquisition Strategy Report.

He has ADHD - as does my daughter. He may bring the wrong report, he may bring no report, he may forget to go to the meeting altogether. It depends how his condition impacts on him - although apparently according to the OP he uses it as an excuse.

OP I don't think you are right for him.

Lovemusic33 · 08/02/2020 11:31

You sound hard work tbh and a bit ungrateful. At least he’s trying even if it’s not very hard. I won’t get fuck all for Valentine’s Day 🤣

Alsohuman · 08/02/2020 11:31

and men aren't exactly known for attention to detail then why do they occupy the overwhelming majority of leadership positions globally? They ARE known for their attention to detail - when they give a shit

Because those roles don’t require attention to detail, they delegate detail to their minions.

20viona · 08/02/2020 11:31

Ok if someone bought me Britney Spears perfume for valentines Id be looking elsewhere 🤣

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