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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Accidentally opened valentines gift

82 replies

LongWalkShortPlank · 08/02/2020 10:13

I've accidentally opened a box this morning containing britney spears fantasy perfume which I can only assume is my valentines gift my boyfriend mentioned he had bought. A bit of background, our relationship is currently long distance due to work and my boyfriend has anxiety/adhd. One of the coping methods his therapist suggested was my perfume sprayed onto cotton wool, so I bought him a bottle to use which was MIDNIGHT fantasy. Now generally I don't use that anymore since finding the verset range, which he does know and he knows I have plenty, he had just visited. But even if I did need some its the wrong perfume, and there's really no excuse when he has a bottle right there, is there?
I'm a little hurt and disappointed I think and I don't want to upset him or seem ungrateful but we've had almost this same scenario before with sunglasses. He uses the excuse that he's bad at buying gifts but honestly I think he just impulse buys the first thing he sees whether he thinks I'll like it or not, which I'm aware could be influenced by adhd. So I don't know what to do, or say. If anything? I'd like to return it really. I won't use it and don't want to waste it. I'm sure he paid a stupid amount for what is a generally reasonably/cheap priced perfume. Aibu to bring it up nicely or should I just suck it up?

OP posts:

Shinycat · 08/02/2020 11:32

@BacklashStarts I agree that some people on here are really mean to people who like/want/expect a gift for their birthday, and it's unfair, because even GROWN-UPS have feelings, and get hurt, and Christmas is NOT just for children, (and so on.........)

However, the OP @LongWalkShortPlank sounds really petty and ungrateful. Yeah it's a bit annoying to get the wrong thing, but the way she is talking about her DP is just nasty. I feel sorry for the bloke. I hope he is reading this, so he can see what she is really like.

Funguy · 08/02/2020 11:34

I don't think she sounds ungrateful.That last comment is unpleasant. I think she does not want to get stuck wearing Britney Spears perfume.
I would just say tbh that you opened it and it's not one you like.
Having ADHD and anxiety does not manifest in buying poor perfume or dissolving into a puddle just because your girlfriend does not like a gift.

TheDeep · 08/02/2020 11:38

You do sound like hard work, maybe for his sake you should end it.

Nousernameforme · 08/02/2020 11:43

He probably saw this made the connection that it was something similar to what he knew you already liked and thought he was on to a winner.

Suck it up then mention a couple of days in it's brought you out in a rash or something so you don't end up with it for chirstmas

KatyCarrCan · 08/02/2020 11:47

Well, if it's the thought that counts then he thought of you and remembered your perfume had fantasy in the name. It seems as though the 'thought' isn't important to you at all. You sound ungrateful. Lots of people will buy someone a different perfume so they can try it. Not everyone is rigid in their perfume choices.

Shinycat · 08/02/2020 11:47

@TheDeep

You sound like hard work, maybe you should end it.

@LongWalkShortPlank

This. ^ Let the poor guy go, he deserves better. Saying the guy is using his condition as an excuse to buy so-called crap gifts is a pretty unforgivable thing to say. If I heard anyone say this about me, they'd be in the bin immediately. He deserves better than you.

FredaFox · 08/02/2020 11:48

*Ok if someone bought me Britney Spears perfume for valentines Id be looking elsewhere 🤣
^ This missing the point entirely but i agree

IckyIsAFuckingStupidWord · 08/02/2020 11:48

Firstly you are being really childish.

Secondly this will probably be my son when he’s a man, buying the wrong perfume as he has ASD, but if his girlfriend moaned about it and “gently had words”, I’d tell him to ditch her ungrateful arse, because (ateotd) HE TRIED.

BarbaraofSeville · 08/02/2020 11:56

Because those roles don’t require attention to detail, they delegate detail to their minions

They don't walk into those roles though, they only get them after many years of doing a better job than all the other minions.

Greggers2017 · 08/02/2020 11:56

My son has ADHD and ASD. He tries so hard with gifts but often gets mixed up and confused. He used his pocket money at Christmas to buy what he thought was my favourite chocolate. He got it slightly wrong. I wasn't ungrateful, I thanked him and ate it anyway. I was just happy he'd made an effort.

OP, you are ungrateful, and acting like a spoilt child. It's obvious he's attempted to buy the right one as the names are so similar: you sound hard work, especially making such a song and dance about a rubbish celebration like Valentine's Day, your not 16. I think you let him go and let him find somebody who appreciates him.

bumblingbovine49 · 08/02/2020 11:57

I wouldn't have cared what the gift was really, it's not about the money of it but the thought.

You see this is just not true for you. You want him to know you well enough to choose a perfect gift. You see the choosing of something you don't like as proof that he does not pay enough attention to you to think carefully about what you would like and to get it right. Getting it right is the only way he can prove he thought about it really. Probably in his eyes he thought about it otherwise he wouldn't have bought you anything.

Of course you do not have to accept this and there are things you can do (give him a list, decide not to buy each other gifts, break up with him) to stop being so disappointed in what he buys. Expecting him to get this right, however, is a recipe for unhappiness. He probably just can't. Only you can know if other things in your relationship make up for this deficit (for you).

20viona · 08/02/2020 11:58

@FredaFox just trying to lighten the mood

Butterfly84 · 08/02/2020 11:59

Why did you open it? Surely it was addressed to your DP? Accidently?

If I was you, I would be grateful that he's got me a present. Just accept it and use it because he's chosen it...it's special because he's chosen it. And then in a month or something (before your birthday), drop into a conversation that you'd love to get a new bottle of -insert perfume name-. Done.

GabsAlot · 08/02/2020 12:00

Hes obviously just made a mistake due to the name-these celebs bring out loads and its hard to keep up with

CalleighDoodle · 08/02/2020 12:01

End it. Youre not compatible.

Nanna50 · 08/02/2020 12:03

He may bring the wrong report, he may bring no report, he may forget to go to the meeting altogether.
Exactly this.

Having ADHD and anxiety does not manifest in buying poor perfume or dissolving into a puddle just because your girlfriend does not like a gift.
Do you understand what ADHD is?

HasaDigaEebowai · 08/02/2020 12:04

Grow up a little and be grateful he's remembered to even buy you a valentines gift. Goodness me. You say you don't want to hurt him or seem ungrateful - so say thank you and put it in a drawer to regift or use at some time in the future.

bumblingbovine49 · 08/02/2020 12:06

basically the rule is you put in loads of thought for everyone else but are happy with nothing/a potato in a bin bag yourself.

Who the hell said that. I'd say it is more common to list the 'lovely thoughtful' presents we all seem to think we buy that the recipient is 'ungrateful' for and then in almost the same breath complain about being given presents with 'no thought'

I personally try with presents but know I won't always get them right and accept anything given to me graciously and never complain or say I don't like it (which I sometimes don't). It works for me and luckily it works for DH. The key thing is to have a similar attitude to your partner. I could never be with someone who get upset at being bought the 'wrong' gift, it is just so tiring and it would make me anxious every time an event came that I had to buy for. Not worth it in my opinion

PanicAndRun · 08/02/2020 12:12

If there are specific things you want/like then give him a specific list. If you're happy with anything don't, but you obviously aren't. If you want to be surprised but definitely get something you like give him a generic list.

However perfumes are very personal and if you don't like it that's fine. Just tell him that, it was a good idea but sadly you don't like that particular fragrance and maybe steer him away from perfumes in general.

Drabarni · 08/02/2020 12:31

At least he bothered. What have you got him?

Drabarni · 08/02/2020 12:36

If you love someone you shouldn't even expect a gift or worry if you haven't got one.
31 years together and never bought a card or gift for valentines day, we love each other, there's no need.

fairlyplump · 08/02/2020 12:36

don't be so selfish and ungrateful, say thank you and be pleased he has thought about you !

Deadringer · 08/02/2020 12:44

I hate when women have low expectations of men when it comes to gifts, they are perfectly capable of getting it right if they can be arsed. But in this case op I think you are being a bit ott. The perfumes have very similar names and imo a mistake like that is easily made. As for putting top girlfriend gifts into Amazon search, I have done similar when looking for gifts for my DD, who I absolutely adore. Sometimes it's just hard to come up with ideas, especially when people already have everything they want/need.

74NewStreet · 08/02/2020 12:44

What a dreadful conundrum for you, op. I honestly can’t see any possible way out of it. Poor you.

Candyfloss99 · 08/02/2020 13:07

How do you know it's for you? Have you never watched Love Actually? 🤣

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