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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off at this?

76 replies

OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 19:59

My stepdaughter told me and her dad tonight that her mum told her that I 'sit on my bum at a computer all day and don't do proper work'. Apparently she asked what I do because her and her dad dropped me off at the office the other day.

She is absolutely not the sort to make this up or say it off her own back and I can believe it has definitely been said.

I'm really annoyed. Firstly I work in a high pressured corporate role that I've been in tears about before now because of the stress, but that's not the thing that's bothered me. The thing that's annoyed me is I do this woman so many fucking favours. When she wants to go out at the last minute and H is working (not on his contact days), I'll offer to help, when she can't get DD to school on her days because she's working and DD doesn't want to go into breakfast club (DH works early too), I'll take her. I do so much of this stuff because I thought we had a pretty amicable relationship. Not best of friends but no drama either.

This has upset me though. I've never been anything but nice to this woman and DD. She doesn't mind asking me when she needs something but speaks like this behind my back? To SD of all people as well. Me and H have never and would never dream of saying anything negative about her to DD.

Because I know I'll get asked... No I was absolutely not the OW. Split wayyyy before I came along and we've been married for quite a while now.

I'm not going to say anything because I'm not interested in getting into any awkward situations especially for SDs sake but AIBU to say no from now on whenever she asks me to do something? I don't know why it's bothered me as much as it has but I feel like a bloody mug now.

OP posts:
EightiesHair · 07/02/2020 20:01

Yanbu, something like that would completely change my view of a person and I'd definitely re-assess any favours I normally do for them.

jjjnnnnnrrssss · 07/02/2020 20:02

YANBU and I think your DH needs to sit down and have a talk with his ex about mutual respect, and voicing that around DD

Herringbone31 · 07/02/2020 20:03

I would stop doing the favours

Point blank.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:03

Yanbu at all. I would only have dd extra if thats what you want to do, not because she wants to go out. I would hazard a guess that she is jealous of you.

Herringbone31 · 07/02/2020 20:04

However. This does mean that the child misses out

But to readdress the balance. I’d stop for a while at least.

CakeandCustard28 · 07/02/2020 20:04

YANBU, I would stop doing so many favours for them.

CSIblonde · 07/02/2020 20:05

Well at least you know her true colours. Don't give her any ammunition tho. Only do favours if it actually works for you, don't go out of your way to. And explain & show your step daughter what your job is, she'll then know the truth. If her DM carries on with snide stuff, it'll be her that looks bad as you've done nothing wrong .

sanmiguel · 07/02/2020 20:06

I would have your husband call we out on it. This is not the behaviour of co-parents with new partners. You must always voice respect for each around the DC

ivykaty44 · 07/02/2020 20:07

Such a shame to say negative stuff about other blended family members

Obviously it’s hit a nerve with you, why is that?

It is ok to question (at the time) a negative comment from another adult. Even if it’s “ oh I wonder why your mum made such a negative comment?”

GYNisaliarWTF · 07/02/2020 20:08

Even if she thinks that (which is poor form if she does because it sounds like you’ve been more than nice to her and her dd) - she shouldn’t voice it in front of his child. Not fair and a good example of how to undermine you; potentially resulting in the sd not taking you seriously in the future as her mum has made it clear she doesn’t.

Sorry you’re going through this OP, I’d not even make excuses moving forward I’d just say no. You needn’t explain yourself to her, sd or anyone else. Flowers

user14572856389 · 07/02/2020 20:09

What does she do that constitutes so-called proper work?

Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 20:11

Obviously it’s hit a nerve with you, why is that?

Well because it's not true for starters and I feel it's incredibly disrespectful. I also thinks it's really not appropriate to say Infront of SD.

Also, I thought we were rubbing along okay. Upsetting to know she actually harbours these thoughts about me behind my back!

OP posts:
iklboo · 07/02/2020 20:12

And what does she do? Personal bodyguard for Teresa May? Shark wrestler?

user14572856389 · 07/02/2020 20:12

I suppose I ask, because if someone said that about me when they too worked in an office I am not sure I would be that fussed. But if I had an office job and someone with a starkly different "on your feet" job said it about me I might feel it was more of a dig and be hurt.

Bluntness100 · 07/02/2020 20:13

Could she have been messing around and meant it as a joke?

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:14

Op it says much more about her than it does about you. I have been in the same situation not about jobs but where ex has said nasty things about me to dss one day and asked me to babysit the next.

Ive just accepted shes not a nice person and like you any requests after i realised i was being taken for a mug were met with a firm no.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:15

Oh yeah bluntness its so funny to undermine your childs step mum isnt it Hmm dont think youd be saying that if op insulted the mum, somehow!

Elieza · 07/02/2020 20:16

What does the kids mum do herself as a job?

Is she doing a manual job like being a cleaner or a painter and decorator or something that is quite tiring and she’s jealous that you appear to get well paid for sitting down when she’s out grafting and sweating all day?

Or perhaps she doesn’t work at all and again is jealous of you getting paid to sit and do nothing while she scrapes by?

It does sound like jealousy to me.

Next time she wants a favour tell her “I’d be happy to take little xxx to her school club later if it wasn’t for the fact I’ve been sitting on my bum all day doing no work as usual apparently and it’s quite worn me out’.
Wait and see if she bites.....!

Willow2017 · 07/02/2020 20:17

Obviously it’s hit a nerve with you, why is that?
And most ridiculous question of the day goes to...

After all the favours op has done she says this about her behind her back and op isnt supposed to be bloody annoyed?

BecauseReasons · 07/02/2020 20:18

I dunno, op. Kids often enjoy driving a wedge. I'd ask the mum about it- it's entirely possible that your stepdaughter has altered what was said to increase the impact.

Waveysnail · 07/02/2020 20:18

She sounds a bit jealous. Perhaps she see's you and her ex having a nice life, perhaps more money to spend and she is lashing out. I'd take it with a pinch of salt.

ivykaty44 · 07/02/2020 20:21

OhDearDear

It all rather sad, but whilst I understand your feelings of not wanting to help out any more, don’t let that comment have a negative affect on the relationship you have with your step child. It’s no the step child’s fault their mum has been negative about your work

Willow2017 · 07/02/2020 20:22

Or perhaps she doesn’t work at all and again is jealous of you getting paid to sit and do nothing while she scrapes by?

Considering op says in her first post she often takes dsd in the morning so the ex can go to work that doesn't really fly does it?

PanicAndRun · 07/02/2020 20:24

I completely get why you're so pissed off OP.
This is someone who you thought you got on ok with, that you did favours for and while you will never be best friends, assumed there's at least some mutual respect. Which there obviously isn't, and not just that but she's making disparaging comments to DSD .

However, I'd think long and hard about what you should say no to and how. This is an adult making bad choices, you don't want DSD to miss out or end up shouldering the fall out because of it. I doubt her mum will respect you more if you said no to everything so it wouldn't change anything but it could affect the relationship you have with DSD.

ivykaty44 · 07/02/2020 20:26

Willow2017

I’d be more upset to think that the mum was putting me down to the child

You’ve stated that this is due to doing things for the mum and being hurt

They do say no question is a stupid question, just trying to find out more to offer advice than just assume I know the answers 🙄

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