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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off at this?

76 replies

OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 19:59

My stepdaughter told me and her dad tonight that her mum told her that I 'sit on my bum at a computer all day and don't do proper work'. Apparently she asked what I do because her and her dad dropped me off at the office the other day.

She is absolutely not the sort to make this up or say it off her own back and I can believe it has definitely been said.

I'm really annoyed. Firstly I work in a high pressured corporate role that I've been in tears about before now because of the stress, but that's not the thing that's bothered me. The thing that's annoyed me is I do this woman so many fucking favours. When she wants to go out at the last minute and H is working (not on his contact days), I'll offer to help, when she can't get DD to school on her days because she's working and DD doesn't want to go into breakfast club (DH works early too), I'll take her. I do so much of this stuff because I thought we had a pretty amicable relationship. Not best of friends but no drama either.

This has upset me though. I've never been anything but nice to this woman and DD. She doesn't mind asking me when she needs something but speaks like this behind my back? To SD of all people as well. Me and H have never and would never dream of saying anything negative about her to DD.

Because I know I'll get asked... No I was absolutely not the OW. Split wayyyy before I came along and we've been married for quite a while now.

I'm not going to say anything because I'm not interested in getting into any awkward situations especially for SDs sake but AIBU to say no from now on whenever she asks me to do something? I don't know why it's bothered me as much as it has but I feel like a bloody mug now.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 20:27

I was worried about being outing but I don't care now to be honest. She's in the police, I'm a wills and probate solicitor. So both are what I would consider alright jobs but yes I imagine she probably does think her job is more important.

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 07/02/2020 20:29

Well now you know she's a bit of a shit, you needn't put yourself out to do her anymore favours.

That comment sounds like jealousy talking to me. What does she do?

Flywheel · 07/02/2020 20:30

I don't know. Of course it was an inappropriate comment but context is important. Does she do a low paid manual job? Maybe sd was bragging about your fancy office and it really hit a nerve. It was wrong to say no matter what, but I think it's unlikely she really thinks that. She was probably being defensive. Like you say, you have a good relationship otherwise. I think I would give her the benefit of the doubt, especially if she does not have form.

Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 20:30

don’t let that comment have a negative affect on the relationship you have with your step child. It’s no the step child’s fault their mum has been negative about your work

Oh no, it never would. I love SD, she's fab. It would never ever affect how I feel about her. But yes it would grate on me doing favours for this woman now when I know this.

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 07/02/2020 20:30

Sorry op, missed your post. Still sounds like a touch of the green eyed monster to me.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:31

I dont like this narrative that op should just ignore and carry on doing favours "for the sake of the child"

How about mum winds her neck in for the sake of her child?

Op can have a perfectly good relationship with the dd by having her when she actively wants to and on contact days, not just when her mother clicks her fingers.

Snowman123 · 07/02/2020 20:31

YANBU but please keep behaving in the amicable way that you do. The DD will recognise this and she grows she will remember who the back stabber was.

Sounds like the mother is jealous of your job.

Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 20:34

Sounds like the mother is jealous of your job

I have no idea why though. Her job is a well respected profession, I wouldn't think there would be any need. I'm not rolling in it or anything. I'd say we are both comfortable (obviously don't know the details of her pay but there doesn't appear to be a huge pay gap between us or anything).

OP posts:
SnoozyLou · 07/02/2020 20:34

It is ok to question (at the time) a negative comment from another adult. Even if it’s “ oh I wonder why your mum made such a negative comment?”

To the adult, not via the child. That would be unfair and make her uncomfortable.

Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 20:36

To the adult, not via the child. That would be unfair and make her uncomfortable

I just said 'ohhh haha, I wish!' As I didn't want her to think she'd said something she hadn't or be worried she'd get in trouble for having said it, but was fuming to DH later on about it.

OP posts:
Tellingitlikeitisnt · 07/02/2020 20:36

I’d def ask your DH to mention what SD said and to ask for some mutual respect when speaking to the kids given you had thought the relationship between you and her was respectful if nothing else.

SnoozyLou · 07/02/2020 20:37

I wouldn't think there would be any need. I'm not rolling in it or anything.

That's not the way a lot of people perceive it though. You say solicitor, they hear kerching. I would hazard a guess she feels threatened by you on an intellectual level too - it might not even be about money.

Ponoka7 · 07/02/2020 20:38

I'd want to know why it's been said. Was your SDD asking to be waited on, or cleaned up after and her Mum has said no. To which your SDD has replied 'Ohdeardear does it'?

Your DH could get to the bottom of it. I know you said your SDD is lovely, but children (even in non blended families) do get to an age were they like to play one off against the other.

Ponoka7 · 07/02/2020 20:41

"i would hazard a guess she feels threatened by you on an intellectual level too"

We all know that qualifications don't necessarily mean someone is smarter than other people.

I could imagine that being in the Police is physically and mentally draining. It also must make you quite sad at times.

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:44

We all know that qualifications don't necessarily mean someone is smarter than other people

We do but it doesnt mean she doesnt feel threatened by op. Either way it was a really nasty and disrespectful thing to say and absolutely something she shouldnt have said to her child no matter how drained or sad she may be.

SnoozyLou · 07/02/2020 20:47

Exactly, @getyourarseoffthequattro. I'm not saying it's right! I'm just saying she appears to have a chip on her shoulder. To be honest, it could be for any number of reasons.

mcmen05 · 07/02/2020 20:48

I'd tell her no the next time I'm too busy sitting on my arse the cheeky woman. Shes just jealous

AcrossthePond55 · 07/02/2020 20:48

It's jealousy. Some people with physical' jobs are jealous of those who seemingly 'sit and do nothing' in offices. They discount the knowledge and mental skills that go into quite a few 'office jobs' these days. And perhaps a bit of the resentment some LEOs have about members of the legal profession, although usually for those in criminal defense.

The main thing I tried to impress on my DC was that there is dignity and honour in any work, whether ditch digger or CEO of a Fortune 500. As long as your SD understands this, it's all good.

I'd probably let things lie unless something similar comes up again. But as far as 'extras' just do what you feel comfortable doing. Just don't cut off your SD's nose to spite her mother's face.

bumbling2020 · 07/02/2020 20:48

It's probably not personal, that doesn't make it right though.

I'm married to a police officer and many (including DH) are arrogant with regards to thinking their job is more important than many others. I wouldn't be surprised if it just slipped out without her really thinking about what she was saying. She absolutely should have though, in front of her daughter.
I would stop doing her favours and distance yourself from her a little.

AmelieTaylor · 07/02/2020 20:51

I can understand you feeling the way you do, but if you’ve always rubbed along ok so far, maybe this isn’t quite what it seems?! Or maybe a short fuse at the end of a long week that she regrets saying.

Maybe DSD said something like ‘Why are you always tired after work. ODD isn’t?’

Hence the ‘sitting down & not proper work’ meaning physical work.

Maybe something about the way DSD asked her mum made her a bit defensive and snappy?

I think your DH should have a word with her though, along the lines of ‘Are you ok? It’s not like you to make disparaging comments about ODD? ‘. See what’s really going on? Because it’s in everyone’s interest,especially DSD’s, for you all to be respectful & kind about each other and not make DSD feel there is any animosity. And it would be a shame for this to cause a weird vibe if it could be easily sorted out.

If it turns out she is generally like this then I would stop doing things that help her out (babysitting) but not things that are for DSD like taking her to school so she doesn’t have to go to breakfast club.

I hope you can get it sorted out & it’s not quite what it seemed.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 07/02/2020 20:52

Oh rein in the favours 100% !

When she wants to go out at the last minute and H is working (not on his contact days), "Ahh can't help you with that, I'm waiting for a British Gas visit"

when she can't get DD to school on her days because she's working and DD doesn't want to go into breakfast club (DH works early too), I'll take her - if it suits you to do so , it is helping your SD ( as long as it doesnt end up every day)

Sunshine1239 · 07/02/2020 20:54

I wouldn’t dwell on it

Your sd May have said something about how you do stuff for her and she doesn’t - like she wants something and has been told no or that mums too busy

Ex may have said it even joking - I say stuff like that about loads of people joking!

Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 20:54

Amelie, possibly. I guess it got me really wound up I'm struggling to see how it couldn't have been said in anything other but a shitty dig against me.

OP posts:
Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 20:54

Ex may have said it even joking - I say stuff like that about loads of people joking!

Really??? You probably shouldn't.

OP posts:
getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:55

sunshine presumably not to peoples step children though?