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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off at this?

76 replies

OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 19:59

My stepdaughter told me and her dad tonight that her mum told her that I 'sit on my bum at a computer all day and don't do proper work'. Apparently she asked what I do because her and her dad dropped me off at the office the other day.

She is absolutely not the sort to make this up or say it off her own back and I can believe it has definitely been said.

I'm really annoyed. Firstly I work in a high pressured corporate role that I've been in tears about before now because of the stress, but that's not the thing that's bothered me. The thing that's annoyed me is I do this woman so many fucking favours. When she wants to go out at the last minute and H is working (not on his contact days), I'll offer to help, when she can't get DD to school on her days because she's working and DD doesn't want to go into breakfast club (DH works early too), I'll take her. I do so much of this stuff because I thought we had a pretty amicable relationship. Not best of friends but no drama either.

This has upset me though. I've never been anything but nice to this woman and DD. She doesn't mind asking me when she needs something but speaks like this behind my back? To SD of all people as well. Me and H have never and would never dream of saying anything negative about her to DD.

Because I know I'll get asked... No I was absolutely not the OW. Split wayyyy before I came along and we've been married for quite a while now.

I'm not going to say anything because I'm not interested in getting into any awkward situations especially for SDs sake but AIBU to say no from now on whenever she asks me to do something? I don't know why it's bothered me as much as it has but I feel like a bloody mug now.

OP posts:
Sunshine1239 · 07/02/2020 20:56

YOure thinking that way likely due to ex paranoia! She prob said it but in a different way. Like it’s a desk job

My dh has an office design job and I tell everyone he does ‘colouring in all day’!

Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 20:57

I guess I just can't imagine me saying it myself, not to a child.

It's nothing to do with thinking my job is super hard or good or anything like that. It's just respect isn't it. I've friends in all sorts of jobs and I'd never undermine any of them to someone else, especially if it were too a child.

OP posts:
Sunshine1239 · 07/02/2020 20:57

Yes but she may just have said she sits in her bum all day meaning it’s not manual! She may have even been laughing or anything! I’d give her the benefit since all’s been well

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 20:57

Paranoia? Are you being serious? Op had nothing to be paranoid about.

I feel sorry for your husband.

morrisseysquif · 07/02/2020 20:58

Next time she asks for favour say you are working your bum at the moment as its been sat on too long today whilst on the computer.

HunterHearstHelmsley · 07/02/2020 20:58

YANBU. In the slightest. I've lost count of the amount of times I've been called a "pencil pusher". Good luck getting anything done without us Hmm

Being as she thinks so little of you, I'd pull back on the favours a little bit.

RUOKHon · 07/02/2020 20:59

YANBU.

Stop doing the favours. If it means your SD ‘misses out’ then maybe her mum should think twice about talking about you in a derogatory way to her.

Sunshine1239 · 07/02/2020 21:01

Op doesn’t have anything to be paranoid about at all

But that doesn’t mean she isn’t being paranoid

Chill out and have a sense of humour getyour

In the real world people actually say things in jest.

Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 21:03

Saying it in a humorous way to another adult about someone you love (your husband or whatever) is one thing. Saying about your childs SM to the child just doesn't seem jokey to me.

I've never ever been paranoid about anything to do with her. But I just don't see this as being said in 'jest' as you say. Maybe I'm wrong, who knows.

OP posts:
getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 21:03

Responsible parents dont "jest" about step parents to their children. Theres something wrong if you think thats ok.

user14572856389 · 07/02/2020 21:05

I'm married to a police officer and many (including DH) are arrogant with regards to thinking their job is more important than many others.

I'd believe this explanation over jealousy.

But this is also the kind of thing I've heard lots of people say light heartedly about themselves and others without any disrespect. Context is relevant in my opinion.

Scarlettpixie · 07/02/2020 21:05

Yanbu to be upset but if you stop saying yes to having your SD so she doesn’t have to go to breakfast club for instance, it is your SD who misses out. You might also make her feel like you don’t want her (and you sound like a good step mum).

Interestedwoman · 07/02/2020 21:06

You're not overreacting, this is really rude/bitchy. I don't see how it's funny at all.

No, I wouldn't want to do much for her now either. Be busy or something Wink

getyourarseoffthequattro · 07/02/2020 21:06

Id say the context that op is married to her ex is enough to establish she didnt mean it as a joke. You joke about people youre close with in a nice way. Not your ex husbands wife.

Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 21:07

But this is also the kind of thing I've heard lots of people say light heartedly about themselves and others without any disrespect. Context is relevant in my opinion

If you're friendly with someone then yes I can imagine it being said as a joke. Don't see it that way to a child about their SM they just rub along with though. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

OP posts:
atomicblonde30 · 07/02/2020 21:07

Lol my DSD mum likes to tell her I go into peoples houses and steal their children away in the night, for context I’m a social worker.

Queue DSD being terrified of me so badly we had to take her to therapy for a year. This was when she was 3 so as you can imagine caused a lot of damage. I had to move out of my own damn home.

I like you bent over backwards to please her mums whims and constant chopping and changing, I stopped all that when I found out she’s been in her own daughters ear spewing lies about me.

Unfortunately me taking a step back just made it worse and she’s now (pathetically) made it her mission to change everyone’s opinion of me by lying through her back teeth - luckily she hasn’t succeeded in this yet bar a few people that don’t really know me.

DSD is 7 and the hate campaign is ever strong.

BottleOfJameson · 07/02/2020 21:08

She definitely could have said it but out of context and with a different intention. I can definitely understand you bring upset!

Original poster
OhDearDear · 07/02/2020 21:13

Atomic, that's awful! Your poor poor SC (and you!).

OP posts:
MiniGuinness · 07/02/2020 21:16

I agree that your DH needs to talk to her about this because, as you say OP, none of you should ever say anything disparaging about each other, because that is not fair on the child. It sounds like up until this point you were all respectful about each other and that is what has blindsided you, because you feel she may have always been a bit disrespectful or disparaging about you. Totally horrible and unnecessary to say anything in front of the child.

atomicblonde30 · 07/02/2020 21:17

Well it didn’t work! DSD is now my little shadow and often asks her mum if I can come round for tea and a sleepover. I’m sure that goes down like a lead balloon Grin

Winebottle · 07/02/2020 21:19

I'd ignore it. You heard it second hand and don't know the context.

I wouldn't care if she thinks my job is easy. I go to work for money not for a physical challenge.

Obviously it isn't nice if she was having a dig at you but surely you don't do favours out because of affection for the woman. You do them for your the girl and her father in the interest of harmonious relations.

TrainspottingWelsh · 07/02/2020 21:24

Yanbu. Whatever her reasons for saying it she's a selfish twat to try and put her dd in the awkward situation of being in the middle.

I completely understand why you wouldn't want to do her any favours, but if it's something such as dsd not wanting to go to breakfast club then I would for dsd's benefit. I know only too well how frustrating it is to know you're being insulted and still being used when needed, but in the long term it's far less important than the good relationship with your dsd.

nzborn · 07/02/2020 21:24

As you don't do a proper job you wouldn't have the skill to do any of the helping out either.

Schwesterherz · 07/02/2020 22:09

Yeah she can f* right off.

GabsAlot · 07/02/2020 22:10

Unless it affects sd id stop doing all those favours when she wwants to go out etc

even if she didnt mean it (whatever that means she sholdnt ave said it to her dc