Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not wanting to celebrate valentines due to granddads death?

60 replies

Valentinesblues · 07/02/2020 11:03

I had a pretty hectic childhood and ended up living with my grandad from the age of 12 and life was perfect.

He was my world and after years of him fighting for me i found him dead on Valentine’s Day. A healthy man in his late 50s just died in his sleep.

He was like my dad and he referred to me as the daughter he always wanted etc.

The first few years that he was gone I was an absolute mess but these days I just seem to reflect on valentines.

This is my AIBU. My partner keeps going on valentines is a big thing for him and that he’s sure I can learn to ‘enjoy it’. Last year was nice, we just ate nice food in front of the tele all snuggled up. I find it completely disrespectful the idea of putting on sexy underwear and having a dirty weekend away, which he has suggested. I do not want a card saying ‘happy valentines’ as it’s the death of the man I loved the most.

AIBU just to say that Valentine’s Day isn’t in my calendar and we don’t need a commercial holiday and that’s the last I want to hear about it.

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 07/02/2020 11:05

I think it's a commercial load of bollocks. Just ignore it.

CaptainMerica · 07/02/2020 11:07

YANBU. Maybe a compromise would be to celebrate it on a different date? I'd celebrate it with a different BF too though, tbh, as he doesn't sound very caring.

TheMustressMhor · 07/02/2020 11:08

YANBU and your DP is being mightily insensitive by not realising your reason for not wanting to celebrate Valentine's Day.

It really is a lot of commercialised bollocks, as PP have said.

Have you explained to your partner how hid behaviour makes you feel? If you have, and he persists, you may need to think about ending things.

TheMustressMhor · 07/02/2020 11:08

*his ^^

FetchezLaVache · 07/02/2020 11:10

Tbh I would struggle to continue a relationship with someone who thought it was supremely important to mark Valentine's Day and I don't have anything like your reason not to want to. What is he, 14?

Bluerussian · 07/02/2020 11:14

Valentine's Day has become outrageously over commercialised. Your husband can give you a card if you want and you can eat something nice in front of the TV, snuggled up, as you did before. Most people I know don't do anything on Valentine's except a card, maybe some flowers.

CakeandCustard28 · 07/02/2020 11:18

YANBU. Celebrate on your anniversary instead? Your DP making a big thing out of a commercial holiday is just ridiculous. Can’t he show he loves you on any other day rather than the anniversary of your grandads passing? Bit disrespectful that he doesn’t get it.

ThunderboltandLightning · 07/02/2020 11:19

Valentine's Day is a Hallmark Holiday, purely about commercialism. Ramping up of prices and enforced declarations of lurrve.

If he wants to romance you, he can pick any other day of the year. Although, I can't see anything romantic about being packaged up in sexy undies purely aimed at the male gaze, but I am old and grumpy like that!

pigsDOfly · 07/02/2020 11:20

Valentine's Day, as it is 'celebrated' nowadays is pretty much a commercial event devised by the sellers of greeting cards and other red coloured merchandise.

I have never ever marked it in any way in my life and never realised people thought it was anything more than a bit of fun and a chance to spend money.

14 February is probably always going to be a difficult day for you, of course you're not going to want to mark it as a day of sexy underwear and all that that involves.

There are 364 other days in the year - 365 if it's a leap year - when you can do those things, why anyone need a commercial holiday to tell them when to be romantic and/or sexy is beyond me; I've always found sex is great any day of the year, I don't imagine 14 February gives it some sort of extra boost.

Of course you're not being unreasonable at all.

inwood · 07/02/2020 11:21

Valentines day is a crap commercial event. YANBU.

CarlyB23 · 07/02/2020 11:23

Couldn't not comment on this one. A few years ago my grandad passed away and his funeral was on Valentine's day. He was literally my whole heart. Luckily my partner is as boring as me so we don't kick up a fuss -Just get each other a nice card and order a Chinese!
I don't know how your relationship is but be firm with him and piss off with the "you can learn to enjoy it". No chance. It's a traumatic time for you! I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain I know you'll be feeling❤

MindyStClaire · 07/02/2020 11:24

YANBU. My best friend died two days after my 25th birthday. More than ten years on I'm doing ok and don't mind marking my birthday - but very lowkey, and DH understands that some years are tougher than others. I'll just never be able to fully celebrate it, I'll always think of the year I sat waiting for the phone to ring. And that's fine, it's just a birthday.

If your DP feels the need for a big annual celebration of your relationship ( Hmm ), suggest you start marking your anniversary or something else in that way? He really should be able to understand though, it's not rocket surgery.

Frariedeamin · 07/02/2020 11:25

My mum died on Valentine’s Day so I also ignore it. It winds me up when I take the day off from work and get bombarded with questions about what I have planned for my romantic day off when in reality I spend the day willowing in my own self pity.

lurker69 · 07/02/2020 11:25

why is it a big thing for him? I literally cannot think of one reason he could come up with that is more important than why you do not want to celebrate it! its really quite selfish of him, not to mention valentines day is a load of rubbish, I cant understand why it would be a big deal for anyone tbh!

AllHeart1 · 07/02/2020 11:26

Yanbu.

As it is valentines is an over-commercialised load of crap but added to that your reasons are your reasons and that’s all that counts.

Added to which who are these people for whom Valentines is such a big deal? Because the florists and card sellers and restaurant owners must be rubbing their hands together with glee whenever someone buys into it.

I would just say that you don’t celebrate valentines and that’s that. I don’t, and I would be mightily unimpressed if someone tried to tell me it was a hugely important thing to them.

NameChangeNugget · 07/02/2020 11:27

Valentines Day is only embraced by gullible thickets.

It’s how you are treated on all 365 days of the year that counts. YANBU

AryaStarkWolf · 07/02/2020 11:28

Agree with others to have a different date to celebrate your relationship. Really insensitive of your partner to try and push it, I didn't think anyone was that bothered about Valentines Day, it's definitely the worst "holiday" so tacky and commercialised

Bluetrews25 · 07/02/2020 11:32

Yes, it is a load of commercial crap.
What matters is not what the festival is to celebrate, but the feeling that you are not allowed to participate in the festival.
How would you feel if the date had been Christmas day? Would you never want to celebrate Christmas and be cross that others do?
Would your lovely Grandfather want you to feel this way?
Celebrating something else on the anniversary of his death does not make his death any less significant, and does not mean that you have to wear a hair shirt of mourning for the whole day. Why not celebrate his life annually on a date that he would have celebrated, his birthday, rather on a day that he would never have realised as significant as he will never have had advance warning of his death date?
(veteran of far too many family funerals, here)

CanaryFish · 07/02/2020 11:32

He can be romantic , celebrate your love or plan a “dirty weekend” anytime , he needs to show respect. You lost someone very important to you on this day and that’s more important than a hall mark holiday.

tenlittlecygnets · 07/02/2020 11:33

Why is he so obsessed with being stereotypical on Valentines day? It's how the relationship is for the whole 365 days of the year that's important. Why not pick another day to celebrate your love for each other??

Or tell him that since he's being so insensitive and selfish he can fuck off and celebrate VD by himself in a hotel...

Alsohuman · 07/02/2020 11:37

I really couldn’t stay with someone so insensitive. It’s a commercialised load of nonsense, I honestly don’t understand anyone who thinks it’s important.

YummyChipCurryDip · 07/02/2020 11:40

You are not being unreasonable. I don't even know you and can perfectly understand your feelings. Anybody could. Why can't he?

BrightYellowDaffodil · 07/02/2020 11:42

Regardless of whether it’s all commercial/a Hallmark Holiday etc (and I don’t disagree on that front), if it’s important to your partner then it’s important to them. I completely understand your views but your partners views have to be respected too - can you not find some middle ground?

Kirkman · 07/02/2020 11:46

I dislike valentines day. It's just not a thing for me. However, my dp really enjoys it.

So we compromise. Is that something you can do? Do something on a different day?

NotStayingIn · 07/02/2020 11:48

Your boyfriend is being an absolute arse for being so insensitive about it. I don’t get why it’s so important to him in the first place, it’s a really naff commercial event.

But if he wants to celebrate a ‘romantic’ day just pick another event/anniversary/day and make that really special between you. If he is too narrow minded to be able to jump on board with that I would dump him. It really sounds like he just wants to mindlessly do ‘what people do’, rather then have a unique thought in his head. I wouldn’t be impressed.

Swipe left for the next trending thread