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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not wanting to celebrate valentines due to granddads death?

60 replies

Valentinesblues · 07/02/2020 11:03

I had a pretty hectic childhood and ended up living with my grandad from the age of 12 and life was perfect.

He was my world and after years of him fighting for me i found him dead on Valentine’s Day. A healthy man in his late 50s just died in his sleep.

He was like my dad and he referred to me as the daughter he always wanted etc.

The first few years that he was gone I was an absolute mess but these days I just seem to reflect on valentines.

This is my AIBU. My partner keeps going on valentines is a big thing for him and that he’s sure I can learn to ‘enjoy it’. Last year was nice, we just ate nice food in front of the tele all snuggled up. I find it completely disrespectful the idea of putting on sexy underwear and having a dirty weekend away, which he has suggested. I do not want a card saying ‘happy valentines’ as it’s the death of the man I loved the most.

AIBU just to say that Valentine’s Day isn’t in my calendar and we don’t need a commercial holiday and that’s the last I want to hear about it.

OP posts:

foodandwine89 · 07/02/2020 11:49

He's an insensitive twat. YANBU.

PrinnyPree · 07/02/2020 11:50

YANBU I don't have the same reasons as you but we don't celebrate it or gets cards because it's just an excuse for companies to charge twice as much for hotels and dinners out. Sometimes we get some nice food in at home but thats about it.

I also proposed to my husband Feb 29th so usually do something romantic end of Feb and on a leap year we'll properly go away for a nice weekend somewhere.

He is being a bit selfish since he knows Valentines day is a hard anniversary for you, tell him to please respect your feelings and maybe celebrate your own romantic weekend a week or two later. x

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/02/2020 11:51

Tell him that you are indeed going to start marking Saint Valentine's Day and you will do this by going on a retreat/starting a novena/other religious thing.
I find the whole Hallmark holiday thing very contrived and the whole "romance" aspect seems too much like women being pushed into agreeing to sex because a man actually did a nice thing for them. I am very cynical and grumpy though.

Vulpine · 07/02/2020 11:54

So many posters will have the opposite problem of bring with people who never do anything romantic. I think the past is in the past. Reclaim valentines day for some thing lovely and positive

Samhradh · 07/02/2020 11:57

Tbh I would struggle to continue a relationship with someone who thought it was supremely important to mark Valentine's Day and I don't have anything like your reason not to want to. What is he, 14?

This. Tell him there are 364 other days in the year when he can buy you scratchy nylon underwear and fluffy Ann Summers handcuffs.

Tell him that you are indeed going to start marking Saint Valentine's Day and you will do this by going on a retreat/starting a novena/other religious thing.

Suggest he comes too. He can sleep in the men's dormitory.

Sorry about your grandfather's death, OP. I grew up with mine as an extra parent we lived together until his death when I was 17 and there's not a day goes by when I don't think of him.

RhymingRabbit3 · 07/02/2020 11:59

I don't know anyone who really "celebrates" valentine's day. They might get their other half a card or a box of chocolates but it's not like Christmas is it. You're definitely not unreasonable and if your partner can't understand why it's a tough day for you he sounds like a waste of space.

AliBear90 · 07/02/2020 12:00

YANBU my partner and I don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day as my mum was found dead (at 51 years old) in her home on feb 15th a couple of years ago. Since then my partner and I haven’t celebrated valentines as I don’t feel in the mood for it. He’s happy with this plan, makes his life easier not having to worry about it anyway.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 07/02/2020 12:03

I agree it’s marketing hype but if he still wants to celebrate then perhaps he could choose a different day?

The Welsh patron saint of lovers is St Dwynwen is celebrated on January 25th (too late for this year), Wikipedia suggests that St Valentine is also celebrated on the 6th or 30th July in the Eastern Orthodox Church.

JosefKeller · 07/02/2020 12:06

I don't do "valentine" so it's hard to reply.

but I find it completely disrespectful the idea of putting on sexy underwear and having a dirty weekend away, which he has suggested.
there's nothing disrespectful about that - dismissing the fact that you are too upset to want to do is is disrespectful, but if YOU wanted to have a weekend away, there would be nothing wrong with it.

Of course it's fine to say you don't feel like it AT ALL, but it's so personal, others would be fine or even looking forward to going away and clear their head.

Your partner should respect your feelings, you are grieving. You are still allowed to life though. You are not disrespectful to do anything you want privately.

5foot5 · 07/02/2020 12:06

Whilst I agree that Valentines Day is a bit of an over-commercialised, made-up thing, can we take that out of the equation for now.

Suppose it was some other significant date that your Grandad died on. Christmas Day. Your birthday. Your partner's or any future children's birthday. Would you refuse to celebrate those events for ever? Or would you eventually be ready to move on for the sake of those close to you now?

Mittens030869 · 07/02/2020 12:23

How would you feel if the date had been Christmas day? Would you never want to celebrate Christmas and be cross that others do?
Would your lovely Grandfather want you to feel this way?

But it isn't Christmas Day, is it? There are no kids missing out on Santa. No one has to do anything special on Valentine's Day; it's such a simple matter to go out for a romantic meal on another day. DH and I love to go for romantic getaways for our anniversary but even that doesn't have to be on the actual date.

Mittens030869 · 07/02/2020 12:24

That's a very good idea, OP.

Mittens030869 · 07/02/2020 12:25

I mean that the OP should consider this idea, in case I get misunderstood.

cologne4711 · 07/02/2020 12:26

It’s a commercialised load of nonsense, I honestly don’t understand anyone who thinks it’s important

Exactly. Once you're no longer a teenager and all excited about your first boy or girlfriend it doesn't matter.

And yes the restaurants see you coming with their overpriced menus (ditto Mother's Day).

Why on earth is it so important to your OH?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/02/2020 12:33

*Tell him that you are indeed going to start marking Saint Valentine's Day and you will do this by going on a retreat/starting a novena/other religious thing.

Suggest he comes too. He can sleep in the men's dormitory.*

Yes, this!

Peakypolly · 07/02/2020 12:38

gullible thicket here.
Seems like only Vulpine and I have any, even slightly, different view to you. But for what is it worth, would your much loved Grandad prefer you to wallow in misery or embrace life? I hope I’m not being offensive but, having lost my DDad as a teen, I would rather celebrate the precious years we shared than dwell on the three months he was dying and the day he actually died. For a number of years this was impossible to do but I have concentrated on moving forward because I believe he would have wanted me to be happy.

Brightpot · 07/02/2020 12:41

YANBU and your partner is highly insensitive.

OralBee · 07/02/2020 12:42

For people asking why it’s so important to OPs DH to celebrate Valentine’s Day, I think of you re-read the hot about the lingerie and the dirty weekend it will all become clear!

GiveHerHellFromUs · 07/02/2020 12:51

He's an idiot.

He can arrange a weekend away for the two of you at any time of the year.
He can cook you a nice meal whenever he likes.
Your grief trumps his penis.

Urkiddingright · 07/02/2020 12:55

Valentine’s Day is a load of crap anyway.

GrumpyHoonMain · 07/02/2020 13:01

Both my bf’s gran and mum passed away on mother’s day, but she still celebrates the day with her daughter. Life is for the living not mourning the dead and I think you should at least try to move on

messolini9 · 07/02/2020 13:04

My partner keeps going on valentines is a big thing for him and that he’s sure I can learn to ‘enjoy it’.

Perhaps he can set himself the task of learning that Valentine's Day is also a big thing for his partner, for very different reasons, & that the death of her beloved GP & father figure kinda trumps his suggestion of putting on sexy underwear and having a dirty weekend away.

luckylavender · 07/02/2020 13:04

It's just commercial rubbish

FlossieJEM · 07/02/2020 13:10

I think it is extreme you won't allow him to buy you a card (commercial or not - isn't really the point). I think if you feel sad on this given day and you have someone there saying they love you it is nice. The sentiment of a card doesn't detract from your feeling of loss. Compromise? You perhaps don't feel like a sexy weekend but you can accept a bunch of flowers and a card and feel pleased/appreciative at the effort. Save the weekends away for later in the year.

Try and make room to be happy on this day too, I think your loved one would want you to be happy.

You could to consider the day of passing on Valentines as a positive not a negative, a celebration of your love for him on a day that asks us to reflect on our blessings.

OralBee · 07/02/2020 13:10

@GrumpyHoonMain she did celebrate though, they spent last year snuggled up watching tv and eating nice food, that’s a lovely way to spend time with someone you love. She just doesn’t want to wear lingerie and have a dirty weekend away.

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