To tell him I love him.

[easyon]

It's one of those situations where the timing always seems wrong. One or both of us has been in relationship.
I am now single for many many months and he is in a relationship. It's committed but they do not live together or have any plans to so according to him.
Since he has found out that I am single , I feel that he has ramped up contact and seems more flirtatious and interested in us spending time together.
We are close for years and years and there has been something there for a long time , on both sides.
I buried this when in a relationship and he also did at the beginning of his. We spoke about it and agreed that all the contact was Iinappropriate so we both detached .
The thing is, I love him.
Do I leave well enough alone or tell him.
Wwyd?

So the start to your relationship would be you giving him a guarantee of his next GF before he dumped the current one?

Not classy.

Straight up honesty would be better IMO.

Spending time on trips with him “as friends” when you want a relationship with him would be a self destructive choice.

Your “closeness” to him whilst one or both of you were in relationships suggest that at times you have already been his OW, and/or him your OM.

@easyon
You know how it feels to be cheated on, so how do you think his gf will feel whilst he’s off having weekends with you?
He’ll need to lie about staying at yours. Stop being naive, you’re thinking of saying you love him but acting all innocent, you’re clearly planning on getting involved and hoping folk will encourage you!
It’s a non starter.

See, Pauline, I think that was a good outcome. You told him how you felt, he wasn’t interested, so you knew the score and were saved further time and emotional energy!

There was a thread about this a week or so ago. I agree with the advice that was given then: if he loved you and wanted to be with you then he would break it off with his partner and be with you. He hasn't done that so it's time to move on and find someone (SINGLE) for yourself OP.

Men are generally pretty straight forward. If they’re into you then they’ll be with you and they’ll show that. If they’re not that into you then they’ll shag other women and stuff, just like this guy is. He’s not into you OP, move on and find someone who is.

You could say by text “I’m really sorry but I’ve developed stronger feelings for you than just friendship now I’m single. I wanted to let you know so that you can make a decision on whether our upcoming plans are still appropriate and respectful towards your girlfriend.”

Then see what he does.

That's true @Dozer but I still felt a fool-offering up my heart and being rejected.

I had no response except to look deflated and I just wish that I had spent an hour planning out how I would react if the outcome had been negative.

I'm fine with it now, years later but, at the time it was hotly crushingly squashing!

In the OP's case, I think he has more than an inkling how she feels and if she insists on telling him, I would advise her to work out what next if his response is to suggest some sleeze or tells her she has the wrong end of the stick.

I would never be the ow It kinda sounds like you already are.
I can tell you know what will happen if he comes over. you'll either cave and sleep with him/kiss him and be the other woman.
Or he'll think up a lot very noble excuses as to why he can't break off the relationship and continue to keep you on the back burner.
Or he'll straight up lie, say he has ended it and have both of you on the go.

What's the odds he knows how you feel and he's enjoying the attention?

It doesn't sound like a committed relationship if he's ramping up contact and flirting with you. Don't go there. Imagine if you were in the girlfriend's shoes? if he could cheat on her then he'd cheat on you. He sounds like he wants his cake and eat it.

I agree that if he wanted you, he would leave her for you prior to all of this. YABVU, not heard of girl code?!

Lemme also get this straight, he wasn't good enough for you to leave your partner but now YOU ARE single, you expect him to leave her. Fuck off

Yes, Pauline, the moment of rejection is horrible! Have been there too. Agree that it’s a good idea to prepare for a (likely!) negative outcome! In retrospect, had I looked at it rationally, it would’ve been obvious that the ex I was still interested in didn’t feel the same, and was a dick to boot! No MN then, sadly.

On the upside, ending all contact was v healthy for me. Met my DH fairly soon after and may well not have dated him had I still been hung up on the ex and spending time with him.

Said ex, now a married father of three, had a thing about keeping exes as “friends” and still occasionally seeks to re establish contact. Odd. I ignore.

You have posted about this before and ignored all the same advice OP so why post again? I don't think anyone here is going to encourage you into an affair with this bloke.

The best case scenario he dumps the GF gets with you and you get to live with a constant knot in your stomach as you know he is the type to cast about for a "better" offer and then jump ship.

Worse case scenario you will be the OW and shred his poor GF life all for a bloke looking for an easy leg over. Only you know what you are worth in life OP.

'I thought that by coming out and telling him how I felt it would clear it all up and we could move on which ever way it worked out'

This seems really sensible to me. My friend was in a similar situation but despite all of the unspoken feelings they were still in denial that the other felt the same way so they both moved forward with their lives, had new relationships etc. Big mistake. They distanced themselves from each other and never spoke about it until recently when they got back in touch. Everything came flooding back. They both regretted not saying how they felt - they would certainly have ended up together if they had. They were just too stupid to talk about it and assumed that of the other person loved them then they wouldn't be in other relationships, but they were only in other relationships because they thought the other wasn't interested in them in the same way so they forced themselves to move on!

Do it op and at least you'll both have closure either way. It's clearly niggling at him too. You are not going to get over this if you don't.

I do not want to hurt her so maybe I f I say not thing and see what happens , the outcome may happen more naturally

You already have your excuse lined up to be the ow, "We just got so caught up we couldn't help ourselves, none of it was "planned" (just went along with it and didn't put boundaries in place) neither of us wanted to hurt anyone (just as long as we got what we wanted what difference does it make if we devastate someone along the way)"

You don't want to be the other woman but are hoping and trying to get him to dump her for you? Not much better OP, have a word.

He sounds like a dick, if he has a DP and is trying to get you to holiday and stay over with him. Since he chose to be with her, knows you are single frankly, it sounds like he just likes all the attention he gets from you. There is a big difference between having a crush and a flirt and being 'in love'. You don't really know someone intimately until you're actually with them, as a partner and in their own home people are often very different OP. I'd just calm down and stop the narrative that you are secretly soul mates desperate to be together if only timing had gone your way.

He doesn't have to gave been with anyone if he liked you that much and presumably knows it's on a plate and still is with someone else. Don't be surprised if he takes what's on offer (free ego boost and a shag) and nothing comes of it, because you are being ridiculous to think that a normal adult is just going to dump their DP and leap into a serious committed relationship with you. IF it happened, date get to know him better, see if you even like what you see then.

I feel like I’ve read this thread before.

I think this is one of those situations which sounds great in your head but a really just a daydream. If you loved him, you would already be with him. If he loved you, he would already be with you. There’s no such thing as ‘bad timing’ If you truly are in love with someone - you would have found a way to be together but you didn’t. Maybe you’re a distraction for each other. I don’t know. But you would have found a way to make it work by now if this was anything more than a fantasy.

Based on a real life experience I say just tell him then deal with whatever happens.

This is simple. You tell him you like the idea of being together, if he feels the same he avails himself by telling his partner they are finished. Then you try and see if things work out in reality as they appear in your head.

I think you should tell him. He isn't married, he doesn't have children. Life is too short to not tell someone you love them. Some people are hopeless at reading signals so maybe he doesn't know what should be obvious to him. Tell him but only do it if you are prepared to walk away when you are rejected or when he comes back all ready for an affair.

Also - red flags galore that he’s trying to come and stay over at your house when he’s in a relationship - what a sleazebag 😒 do you want to be with someone who doesn’t care enough about you to end his current relationship? Do you want to be with someone who wants to sneak around with you and make you the OW? Do you want to be with someone who thinks this sort of behaviour is okay - would you be able to trust him if you did get together not to do the same to you? I know I wouldn’t.

Instead ,why don’t you tell him that you couldn’t have him stay at your house or go away with him while he has a girlfriend?
So he’ll either agree or he’ll finish with her and then you can tell him.
Don’t tell him while he has a girlfriend , that’s savage

Why would you do that? He's in a relationship. He is having sex with someone else. He is presumably telling he he loves her. Do you have no respect for yourself, let alone her?

And if he is willing to cheat on her with you, why would you want to be with him anyway? If he is flirting with you - is that what you want in a man? Someone who would do that to his gf (because he'd do it to everyone). And as pp say, if he wanted to be with you, he would. They make it clear. They don't cheat and lie and flirt.

This happened to me from the other side - I was the gf. Apparently in a loving relationship - he was proposing, professing his love and all of that stuff. Another woman decided she was madly in love with him, and although she knew he was with me, she tried her damndest to get him to leave me for her - sending long emails, phoning him, (even stalking him and sending him naked photos - I'm not saying you're doing that). She even slept with him knowing he was with me. (I didn't know I should add!).

Clearly the relationship was crap anyway and he was a lying cheat, but it didn't work out for her either. He was even more of a shit to her after me.

Thanks for the replies. It may be a silly dream and I clearly have not thought this through because no I wouldn't want to be always wondering why f he wanted to go away with other girls in the realm of being friends. I wouldn't have that so it i not reasonable for me to be ok with that either.
I don't t know if she knows we about his invitations to me and as he is so independent, I don't think her opposing them would change the outcome for him.
I would always be looking over my shoulder wouldn't I.
I never gave it huge thought about his girlfriend
Because I never got the feeling he took it seriously it at least as seriously as she did.
I will leave well enough alone , refuse invitations and keep my head down, although when I have spent his O have found him to be more demanding of my attention . I really am the ego boost in the disguise fof that of afriend I think. Thanks for all your insights .
I think it's the best way to protect myself.