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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell him I love him.

88 replies

easyon · 07/02/2020 10:54

It's one of those situations where the timing always seems wrong. One or both of us has been in relationship.
I am now single for many many months and he is in a relationship. It's committed but they do not live together or have any plans to so according to him.
Since he has found out that I am single , I feel that he has ramped up contact and seems more flirtatious and interested in us spending time together.
We are close for years and years and there has been something there for a long time , on both sides.
I buried this when in a relationship and he also did at the beginning of his. We spoke about it and agreed that all the contact was Iinappropriate so we both detached .
The thing is, I love him.
Do I leave well enough alone or tell him.
Wwyd?

OP posts:
Cam77 · 07/02/2020 11:49

They’re not long term/married and don’t have kids. I don’t think telling him would be immoral. But I’d do it by email rather than face to face and be prepared to lose him as a friend if he isn’t interested.

FuzzyAtmosphere · 07/02/2020 11:49

If he really wanted to be a relationship with you, as soon as you were single he would have ended his relationship to give things a go. So I would guess he knows you like him and likes the ego boost; he might have an affair with you but you aren’t the person he wants to be with or else he would be.

Original poster
easyon · 07/02/2020 11:49

He knows that I would not be interested in an affair.
Could we work as companions doing things together minus the sexual element?
Would that still be unfair to his girlfriend?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/02/2020 11:51

Oh my god. Be someone’s first choice OP! He’s in love with his girlfriend. He has sex her. Shares a bed with her. Is planning his future with her.

Would you want a relationship with a man who wanted to holiday with another woman? If not how can you respect him?

TheMustressMhor · 07/02/2020 11:54

He knows I would not be interested in an affair

So why does he keep suggesting it, then?

HollowTalk · 07/02/2020 11:55

You've just had a thread about this guy, haven't you? He wanted to make arrangements with you to go away, spend time with you etc, but he had a partner who wasn't happy.

PersephoneandHades · 07/02/2020 11:55

I seem to be the only one who thinks so but I think you should tell him.

I think you need to be prepared for him to answer that he doesn't feel the same way though, and then end the friendship. As PP have said, if it was meant to be it probably would have happened by now.

Life is too short to lie/conceal feelings, be honest and then move on with your life

Original poster
easyon · 07/02/2020 11:58

He has never suggested an affair .
Yes I posted before. I thought that by coming out and telling him how I felt it would clear it all up and we could move on which ever way it worked out .

OP posts:
lunar1 · 07/02/2020 12:00

If you dated him, you would know going in that he likes to invite female friends for nights away and flirt with his friends.

Why would you want this? Find someone who chooses you, not someone who wants you for a bit of fun or an exit affair.

JosefKeller · 07/02/2020 12:00

he sounds like a peach Hmm

He knows. He could just end his relationship, he's not married with kids or has made any promises or vows. If he is staying, either he is simply enjoying the attention, or wants to play on both games.

To remove all doubts, you could tell him but need to be prepared to walk away and lose him as a "friend". Unless he breaks up with his girlfriend, he's not into you. It's so simple.

Original poster
easyon · 07/02/2020 12:01

What I meant was if you thought we could do things together as friends if I decided not to reveal my true feelings . He has no idea I feel like this. It is he who does the contact and suggestions. It is me who declines .

OP posts:
Samhradh · 07/02/2020 12:02

Could we work as companions doing things together minus the sexual element? Would that still be unfair to his girlfriend?

If you're in love with this person, I'm not sure there's such as thing as 'companions, minus the sexual element', if you're hyperventilating with suppressed desire and making big 'Pick Me' eyes at him every time he passes you the salt or gets out of his chair.

And surely, if he's an averagely nice human being, he would find hanging around with someone who desperately wants to be in a relationship with him deeply uncomfortable?

qazxc · 07/02/2020 12:03

Could we work as companions doing things together minus the sexual element?
Short answer is No. While you are pining for him and pretending that it is just a friendship, you are not moving on or emotionally available for a relationship. You are leaving yourself in limbo.

HollowTalk · 07/02/2020 12:03

You know his partner is jealous of you and doesn't trust him. Yet still he invites you to things and you consider going. Doesn't that tell you something about him?

He could come to you and say he's mad about you - if you reciprocated he could dump his partner. He doesn't do that, though, does he?

74NewStreet · 07/02/2020 12:06

The timing is still wrong. One of you is in a relationship. Keep your hands off Hmm.

Noconceptofnormal · 07/02/2020 12:06

Here's what I'd do. I'd make the arrangement for him to stay with you. If he makes it clear he likes you or makes a move, just say that you like him too (don't say you love him!) but that nothing is going to happen whilst he's in a relationship.

If he wants to be with you he needs needs to end his relationship within a couple of weeks of you having that conversation.

Don't be strung along or accept excuses, don't start a seedy affair, don't be the bit on the side. Establish boundaries and a timescale.

In my opinion until people are married or bought houses together etc then this sort of thing can happen. But if you are to be together if needs to be done without hurting his girlfriend who's completely innocent in this.

JKScot4 · 07/02/2020 12:08

“he’s never suggested an affair”
Do you think the weekend away is to play scrabble?
Ffs stop being so dim!

Dozer · 07/02/2020 12:10

He is already treating his girlfriend badly by telling you about their situation (no plans to live together) and ramping up contact with you when you became single. Doesn’t bode well for how he’d be in a relationship.

Most likely he intends staying with his current GF but likes having you for further company / ego boosts and “back up” should he or his GF decide to end their relationship.

If you don’t mind all that, an option is to tell him, explicitly and once, that you have feelings for him and would like to date him. And that due to this you no longer want to meet up with / have contact with him as friends.

He’s not just a friend, so it’d be a bad plan to do weekend visits/overseas trips together as “friends”.

CatherineTheNotSoGreat · 07/02/2020 12:10

You're not in a relationship. He is. So if he wishes to be with you, he needs to be the one to initiate i.e. finish his current relationship and speak to you.
And yes, he's looking for an affair.
As a pp said, don't be his backup plan or the OW.

Move on. He certainly doesn't sound like a great catch to me.

Dozer · 07/02/2020 12:11

That would just make you feel shitty and/or lead to you being his OW. Not much in that for you.

TheMustressMhor · 07/02/2020 12:11

We are close for years and years and there has been something there for a long time, on both sides.

He has no idea I feel like this.

Which is it?

PickleMyPepper · 07/02/2020 12:12

If he wanted to be with you, he would. He found someone else and likes her enough to commit and make a future with.

You really need to let it go. You can love him all the world, he still hasn't chosen you.
Unrequited love is a waste of time and energy.

Cut him off and move on with your life.

It sounds harsh, but it's true.

Original poster
easyon · 07/02/2020 12:13

I would never be the ow. I know what it feels like to be dumped for the ow.
I like the idea of seeing how it works out, if he breaks up with his girlfriend or if he tries it on , I can then put on some
Boundaries and tell him that I'm not interested in anything until he finishes with her.
Our trips together are for mutual shared interests.

OP posts:
Darkbendis · 07/02/2020 12:15

You know he fancies you, you fancy him and he knows it, and the plan is to go away together for a weekend "just as friends". Sure....Hmm

paulinespeaksmanylanguages · 07/02/2020 12:15

I did this to someone and it was mortifying when he told me that he liked me very much and was flattered that I felt like that about him but the time wasn't right! We were both single.

Before I told him, I was so sure that he'd sweep me up and declare that he'd only been waiting for me to say something that I had given no thought whatsoever to what I would say and what the future would be like if I'd been rebuffed.

So, from the fruit of my experience-say nothing!

If he wants you, the first thing you will know about it is when he tells you that he has left his girlfriend. If that doesn't happen-and soon-he is just looking for a back up and there you are waiting.

I wouldn't be at all surprised if he knows how you feel already and had no intention of being serious but is filling your head with tripe.

Tell him if you won't rest until you do but look at every possible negative outcome and how you'll deal with it before you do.

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