Pregnant friend driving me insane...

[STANTER]

My friend is 7 weeks pregnant. I'm really happy for her. I'm happy for anyone who is pregnant, it is supposed to be magical (it wasn't for me). I had an extremely traumatic pregnancy, lots of complications, were looking at tfmr at 27 weeks, IUGR, placental insufficiency, oligohydramnios, echogenic spots etc etc. Birth was traumatic. I got sepsis after. Son was in NICU. I just hated it all.

My friend had the audacity to say to me the other day 'you are so lucky you got to have loads of scans. I hate that I only get 2' - I just smiled and moved on. The reason I had extra scans was because of all the complications. I hated scans. They terrified me.

My friend also asked 'how I managed to get an extra scan at 6 weeks' - I told her it was because I passed a large clot and had pain. Suddenly 3 days later she's in for an early scan with pains.

I'm finding it really hard work and still find it hard talking about my experience which she asks me about all the time.

How do I cope with this? Is this my issue? AIBU?

I would back away from her very quickly. She sounds really self absorbed and insensitive.

YANBU. I'd say something like:

"I still find it hard to think or talk about my experience of pregnancy. You know how difficult and traumatic it was for me. I am pleased for you, but I'm not the person to compare pregnancy notes with. What do you think about the news/latest episode of Love Island/ the weather?"

She is unbelievably sweet and would do anything for anyone but her biggest flaw is her obsession with always having something wrong with her and I struggle with that as it's very clear it's not all that genuine

Yeah agreed! I'm a high risk pregnancy and am having lots of scans which is clearly making other people envious despite the fact every one could contain bad news and I have a higher risk of late miscarriage. I just tell people that, usually shuts them up, although to be honest your friend should know the reasons and not compare! She sounds totally self absorbed and I'd reevaluate the friendship if she doesn't pack it in.

I’d back away slowly. This is going to be the longest pregnancy in human history. For you.

I had prem twins (nearly 11 weeks) was told I was lucky I didn’t get very big and managed to avoid stretch marks, and I was lucky I could sleep all night when they were in nicu

Sorry you had such a terrible time
She sounds really insensitive. YANBU. Is she aware of all the issues with your pregnancy?
At 7 weeks it’s way too early to know if she will have any issues too but you could remind her she can always pay for a private scan if she wants an extra one, and that would be a nicer experience on the whole then having to have lots of scans because medics are worried about your baby

her biggest flaw is her obsession with always having something wrong with her

A lot of people have some form of hypochondria.

I'm sorry you had such a rotten experience with pregnancy, but it's not fair to take it out on her. Maybe she genuinely had pains?

Yes, I think it's your issue to sort out.

She sounds very insensitive, OP.

If she also has health anxiety she will do anything to have more scans.

You could tell her that the jury's out as to whether unnecessary U/S is bad for the baby's brain.

I foresee her getting a doppler and listening to the baby's heartbeat several times a day.

Could you tell her how you're feeling? Explain how bad your pregnancy was? Maybe she genuinely doesn't know or understand.

It's funny isn't it how some people's pregnancies just slot in to your friendship, you talk about it occasionally and your lives just continue. You're happy for them and excited to meet little one. This time just feels so different. I feel like it's a bit of a game and it dominates the whole conversation.

OP I do feel your pain, I had a rough first pregnancy (nowhere near as tough as yours hugs) and so now I’m pregnant again I’m being looked after with scans every couple of weeks and consultant appointments etc. With the hope of catching any placenta issues or signs of iugr early to prevent another 30 weeker and NICU stay

DH’s step sisters is also pregnant for the 2nd time, her first delivery was an assisted delivery and she therefore thinks she should be entitled to the same. She’s kicked up a fuss with the midwife that she should be consultant lead and have extra scans. The midwife has explained she doesn’t meet the criteria but has said if she still feels so anxious later on in pregnancy then she will look to refer her. So she is now looking for any reason for extra scans etc 🤦🏻‍♀️

I just want to give her a good shake and tell her although her delivery was assisted, at least it was at term and they were home within 24 hours, not 3 weeks! Do not wish for a complicated pregnancy and certainly do not wish for a preemie and NICU stay 🤦🏻‍♀️

As others have said in your case I’d distance myself, unfortunately we have little choice, I do not talk to her about pregnancy, but unfortunately her mum feeds everything back she hears DH telling his dad

GreenFingers I understand. I haven't taken anything out on her though. I'm just airing my frustrations on here, mainly so I don't end up taking it out on her 😅

Distance yourself from her.
I was pregnant at the same time as my "friend" and I was severely sick with hyperemesis and she told everyone I was faking it, i couldn't handle being pregnant and I wasn't supportive enough of her pregnancy.
The supportive comment was awful because I was so dehydrated and sleeping on my bathroom floor due to throwing up so much.

On another note and please don't think I'm patronising or anything but have you spoken to anyone about your pregnancy? I know you've said you don't like to talk about it but I found speaking to a mental health nurse really helped me however my experience is completely different and what you've been through is traumatic.
How is your little boy?

@avacadooo he's absolutely fine. He's perfect and so lovely. Wouldn't change a thing about him. I will talk about it eventually. I just have a lot of other stuff I need to sort first. But thank you, it was kind not patronising :)

I ended up With PTSD years after my horrific experience, if you can talk to someone pleases try. I bottled it up which wasn’t good

I was deemed high risk and had lots of monitoring and scans, but so was a friend of mine who was due just before me. While her issues were different from mine, the only time we talked about it was to check each other was being treated properly. In your case your friend has lost it.

First remind her that every pregnancy even ones deemed high risk is unique therefore what you experienced will be completely different to what she will experience.

If she continues then distance yourself from her as she will carry on being a nightmare once her baby is born and as it grows up.

Thank you. I suffer withPTSD from domestic abuse so need to move forwards with that first. Not sure I could handle both at the same time 😅

At 7 weeks she doesn't actually yet know how many scans she will end up needing! I also got people saying I was lucky to get extra scans and I also found it so upsetting. I had lots of scans because I had recurrent miscarriages and then later in the pregnancy because they were worried that DS had restricted growth - I always wanted to ask the people who only had two scans because they had lovely straightforward pregnancies if they were saying they'd have liked to swap, because I'd have taken that?!

I think you need to say something to her because if she's like this three weeks after peeing on a stick god knows how she'll be later and it's better you do it in a planned manner than end up shouting at her in frustration.

Pregnancy and weddings always bring out the worst in people with a tendency to be self-absorbed - they're a time where it's generally accepted that you'll be a little bit more wrapped up in yourself, and some people really take that and run with it!

How do I cope with this?
By telling her to be grateful for a less worrisome pregnancy, & to fuck off while she's doing it.

Is this my issue?
Nope. Your "friend" is oblivious, selfish, & has not got enough empathy or kindness to understand what a load of randoms on the net have managed to appreciate:
I'm finding it really hard work and still find it hard talking about my experience which she asks me about all the time.

Seriously, you need to repeat to her what you have told us - "I dont want to keep reliving the experience I had, I don't want to talk about it, & I am finding your obsession with the treatment I needed distasteful".

I'm just airing my frustrations on here, mainly so I don't end up taking it out on her
Funny that. She doesn't mind taking her frustrations about not getting enough attention in her pregnancy on you.

She doesn't sound "unbelieveably sweet" OP.
She sounds like a selfish pain in the arse.

I think you’ll have to back away, for the pregnancy at least. Some people are too self absorbed despite often hiding it well.

I was told it wasn’t fair I could have a c section at 36/37 weeks. The c section was because of previous complications and neonatal death. I would much much rather have had no need for a c section at that gestation!

In that case your “friend” should be more understanding. Although I think I’ve you have never experienced nicu you can not truly understand the emotions and stress that it places on a parent, it’s something that never leaves you.

I would just be honest with her. "Well, actually, the reason I had lots of scans was because of these complications and the pregnancy was very stressful. You should feel lucky you don't have any problems like I did"
That should shut her up.