Pregnant friend driving me insane...

[STANTER]

My friend is 7 weeks pregnant. I'm really happy for her. I'm happy for anyone who is pregnant, it is supposed to be magical (it wasn't for me). I had an extremely traumatic pregnancy, lots of complications, were looking at tfmr at 27 weeks, IUGR, placental insufficiency, oligohydramnios, echogenic spots etc etc. Birth was traumatic. I got sepsis after. Son was in NICU. I just hated it all.

My friend had the audacity to say to me the other day 'you are so lucky you got to have loads of scans. I hate that I only get 2' - I just smiled and moved on. The reason I had extra scans was because of all the complications. I hated scans. They terrified me.

My friend also asked 'how I managed to get an extra scan at 6 weeks' - I told her it was because I passed a large clot and had pain. Suddenly 3 days later she's in for an early scan with pains.

I'm finding it really hard work and still find it hard talking about my experience which she asks me about all the time.

How do I cope with this? Is this my issue? AIBU?

it's going to be a long nine months... I'd make your excuses until then. Apart from all the issues, does she have nothing else to talk about? what a boring woman!

I would just be honest with her. "Well, actually, the reason I had lots of scans was because of these complications and the pregnancy was very stressful. You should feel lucky you don't have any problems like I did" That should shut her up

^ this

Thank you. I suffer withPTSD from domestic abuse so need to move forwards with that first.
Oh Stanter

Not sure I could handle both at the same time
Hmmm. You could view it as a practice run in the emerging, more assertive you. Maybe not the resounding fuck off I would like to give your friend! - but @noeyedeer's response is excellent:

"I still find it hard to think or talk about my experience of pregnancy. You know how difficult and traumatic it was for me. I am pleased for you, but I'm not the person to compare pregnancy notes with. What do you think about the news/latest episode of Love Island/ the weather?"

If you commit that short speech to memory, you can trot it out every time Ms Insensitive starts banging on.
I say commit to memory, because it may have more effect when she finally realises that you are repeating yourself on a loop every time she does it.
With luck, she may eventually realise that other people have feelings too.

Congratulations on escaping the DA, & on your little boy xx

Just say to her that you had a very traumatic pregnancy that you don’t wish to discuss as it upsets you and change the conversation

I had a friend like this!! She used to make up reason so she could have extra scans. Pains, even bleeding but would tell me after that she just wanted to see the baby. It is absolutely disgusting to lie about that. Keep your distance from her. She may be sweet but as a previous poster said this will be a looooong pregnancy.

Oh OP I feel for you here,
I didn’t have traumatic pregnancies but with my last baby I had a shockingly quick labour that had left me feeling quite traumatised (even writing this makes me feel a bit weird).
People assume (I’ve got three children) that I can talk easily about everything and answer loads of their questions. In reality it’s the opposite.
I think you need to tell the friend, nicely, that you can’t be what she needs here.
Just say that you are still quite traumatised by the whole thing, obviously you wish her the best, direct her to Mumsnet to post as many questions as she likes
Good luck

She sounds overly anxious even for a first pregnancy. Maybe she’s unduly worried her pregnancy will go the way yours did (she knows how hard it was right?). Sometimes our pregnancy and birth scars can terrify young women who are newly pregnant for the first time.

I think she is putting her foot in her mouth a lot though and inadvertently triggering your PTSD. I think her mentioning scans just causes lots of bad memories to flood back to you.

You might want to gently ask her not to discuss pregnancy or childbirth complications or tests with you because you do have PTSD and it’s too raw. Switch the conversation to talking about babies that are home and thriving.

she is scared, and she is reasonably upset that she can't get reassurance. She is not dismissing your problems, she is just as worried as you were. You don't need traumatic pregnancies to be on edge.

Distance yourself if it's better for you, but don't listen to the ridiculous posters calling her names on here. Her worries are just as real as yours were. At 7 weeks, she has a very long way to go.

My SIL said the same thing about my (fortnightly) scans from 5 weeks. I had DD then 4 miscarriages, then was pregnant with DS at the same time that she was pregnant. Due to my history of miscarriage, some medical problems I was subsequently diagnosed with, IUGR and placenta previa I was a nervous wreck. Plus I was having to balance work, my DD and get to all my medical appointments (twice weekly by the end of pregnancy) as my husband was posted overseas.

But all she could do was moan about how unfair it was that I was having regular scans and she wasn’t. This and a whole load of other bulls**t behaviour is why we’re LC now. Some people are just self obsessed, best leave them to it.

Definitely step away OP.
You need to look after you.
You have been through enough.
You could find her triggering you, through her self absorbed chatter.

Pregnancy is a natural occurrence.

Unfortunately some women talk it to death and would bore the arse off a saint with the prattling on their first.

It's tedious to listen to if you are someone who just got on with it.

Step away.
Wishing you well💐

YANBU.

I agree with @noeyedeer: I still find it hard to think or talk about my experience of pregnancy. You know how difficult and traumatic it was for me. I am pleased for you, but I'm not the person to compare pregnancy notes with.

Or words to that effect. You will have to distance yourself for your sanity. You've enough else going on.

“I would really love to support you through this pregnancy and you’re a dear friend to me but talking about pregnancy is really triggering for me as I had such a difficult time of it. Is there anyone else you can discuss your pregnancy journey with?”

If she gives you a hard time for saying something like that then she’s not a friend worth having.

Exactly what @SallySun123 has said.

You need to be honest with her that genuinely your pregnancy was very traumatic and you can not cope to talk about it. If she doesn't respect this then distance yourself from her.

YANBU, she does sound pretty insensitive. I had loads of extra scans too and each one was terrifying.

Anyone can pay for a load of extra scans if they fancy them, nothing stopping her. She doesn't need to lie to the NHS.

AHH it annoys me so much when people pretend they don't know how far they are gone etc for an early scan. I see so many girls around 9 weeks having a scan.

I was six weeks pregnant with my son. I had loads of sickness and began bleeding. I was offered an NHS scan at 10.30 in the morning in a hospital 45 minutes away. I can't drive. My child was two. I felt horrendous. We ended up paying £100 for a private scan at the weekend when my partner could take me. I was so scared, anxious etc. Thankfully I was ok. Bit I had three big bleeds in the next three months too.

There is nothing lucky about having more scans when there is a risk of loss. She's being very neive.

Unfortunately some people are anxious or worried or just can't wait and they do silly things like your friend.

Just avoid her for abit. X

She may be anxious and or insensitive. Explain to her and then if she doesn’t stop distance yourself. Just distancing yourself first doesn’t give her the chance to rectify it if she isn’t aware.

billy1966

pregnancy loss is ALSO a natural occurence, how insensitive are you

I dont like confrontation but you can say something nicely. Such as how you're happy for her but your pregnancy was medically complex and it was such a traumatic time for you that you find it so upsetting talking about it. Or you didnt feel lucky having so many complications and as your pregnancy was unusual you're probably not the best person to give advice.

Hopefully she just wasnt thinking it through but once you point out how stressful and upsetting it is for you to discuss it, only a complete bitch would ignore your requests to change the subject. If she persists then she isn't a real friend anyway

I know first hand that pregnancy loss is a natural occurrence, thank you.

I also knew not to bore people with that too.

I also knew not to bore people with that too.
oh great, we have one of these martyrs who dismiss anyone else. You must be such a joy to be around.

Having held daughters hand through many scans twins with complications, we both dreaded them. Thank your stars if you only have the the normal ones.

I cant get my head round this idea some people have of scans just being like baby photos - no they are not they are a medical thing to check baby is alright - I appreciate the first one as a confirmation & something you treasure especially if your way into pregnancy was a long road - but no not having a series of them unless medically necessary (I had to have an extra one because of a iffy blood test - fortunately it was OK - but like you it was a stressful thing & not for the "fun" of it) as for the birth of my first dc - lets put it this way - we both got through it

Stop ganging up on @billy1966 she hasn't said anything wrong. You've just taken what she's said and twisted it - classic MN.

Can we get back to supporting the OP please.

Distance yourself for your own sanity otherwise you’ll have to put up with this for the next 7 months and it’s not what anyone needs.

I had a friend like this. When i was pregnant with my second there was a weird structure on the scan in her heart. We were sent from specualist to specialist because nobody had ever seen anything like it. It was terrifying. In the end nobody knew what it was and i was told to wait until birth and have a scan then
All my friend could come up with was 'at least you get to see the baby every week on the scan, i only had 2 scans.'
Yes great! How wonderful to see the baby every week at a different clinic just to hear that it doesnt look normal but nobody can tell me whats wrong.
Anyways, baby is 4 now and they still see an anomaly on the scans, but they THINK its nothing, because so far it hasnt caused issues and they dont have a name for it.