Pregnant friend driving me insane...

[STANTER]

My friend is 7 weeks pregnant. I'm really happy for her. I'm happy for anyone who is pregnant, it is supposed to be magical (it wasn't for me). I had an extremely traumatic pregnancy, lots of complications, were looking at tfmr at 27 weeks, IUGR, placental insufficiency, oligohydramnios, echogenic spots etc etc. Birth was traumatic. I got sepsis after. Son was in NICU. I just hated it all.

My friend had the audacity to say to me the other day 'you are so lucky you got to have loads of scans. I hate that I only get 2' - I just smiled and moved on. The reason I had extra scans was because of all the complications. I hated scans. They terrified me.

My friend also asked 'how I managed to get an extra scan at 6 weeks' - I told her it was because I passed a large clot and had pain. Suddenly 3 days later she's in for an early scan with pains.

I'm finding it really hard work and still find it hard talking about my experience which she asks me about all the time.

How do I cope with this? Is this my issue? AIBU?

Sorry, my post didnt help at all. I was meant to add that i dont see this friend anymore. I couldnt deal with the constant comments.

She's being a bit of a dick.

She isn't even trying to empathise with you.
She's being really self absorbed.

I really don't like people like that.

Sorry you had such a hard time, I can't imagine how stressful that was for you. It IS supposed to be magical and it's absolutely shite when it goes wrong. My youngest baby had a heart condition diagnosed at 20 weeks, he was fine but I understand the hundreds of scans and tests.

I think you’ve both got your own issues going on here.

You’ve had a horrendous time and understandably don’t wasn’t this from your friend.

But she, on the other hand, seems like she’s having an overly anxious first pregnancy. You don’t know what’s going on in her head and how she’s coping. I know I was a mess until my first scan. I wanted my baby so badly and I dreamed night after night of finding no heartbeat in that first scan and it messed me up mentally. I went on to have severe pnd and anxiety. On the face of it, I had no reason for it- my pregnancy was ‘normal’; birth was traumatic (for me but probably but compared to others) so others found it difficult to understand my mental state and I lacked support that I really needed.

There may be no obvious reason your friend needs support in her pregnancy but the doesn’t mean there aren’t reasons. Be kind.
You don’t have to be the person to support her if you can’t face it. But do kindly explain your reasons (which are perfectly valid) and maybe see if you could suggest an alternative person to support.

Hope you work through your issues OP

I'm really sorry to hear about what you've been through and to the rest of the ladies on here who've had a difficult time.
I think you need to distance yourself from your "friend" but gently explain to her that the less scans the better as it means less worries during pregnancy.

I am currently 15 weeks pregnant after 5 consecutive miscarriages and I am 24. so far I have had 3 scans with the EPU and 2 private scans with my first official "12 week" scan next week and a consultant appointment shortly after. It has been the most terrifying time with such anxiety leading to every scan.

We are not the "lucky" ones for having to be heavily monitored and she should thank her lucky stars if I'm being honest.

Back away. Some people think they're the only person to ever have been pregnant. It's lovely that she's so excited but she needs to come back down to earth.

Try not to take her seriously, she's only 7w- a lot can happen from now until 12 and 20w. She needs to chill out.

and she should thank her lucky stars if I'm being honest.

It’s not that simple though. She’s only 7 weeks in... there no baby to be thankful for, she doesn’t know what this pregnancy holds. Even if it’s straightforward, she doesn’t know what the birth will hold...

It’s a dangerous place to be when you invalidate the experience of others because you deem your own as being worse. We should all try to be kind to each other despite our own circumstances.

Secondary infertility was a total killer for me...I never once thought to tell a friend who was struggling to juggle the demands of a toddler and a baby to thank her lucky stars.
I knew I didn’t have the mental strength to support her but I never thought she was wrong to talk about her struggles.

YANBU - sounds like your friend isn't thinking about anything but her own pregnancy. Everyone is different and so are pregnancies.

Would suggest you back away for the time being or talk sense into her if you want to still see her while she's pregnant.

I cant get my head round this idea some people have of scans just being like baby photos - no they are not they are a medical thing to check baby is alright

that's the point, for the majority of people it's reassurance they are after, not a memento. Having only 2 scans and no pretty much no update in between is hard to live for some mothers.

I had nowhere near your situation but had a scary time with my last pregnancy due to reduced movements. I was admitted for three days, had loads of extra scans and monitoring and was ultimately induced early. Nobody could work out why she didn't move but she was born healthy and I was very very lucky.

I've seen people on here and elsewhere telling women to fake reduced movements to get extra scans or an induction and it makes me feel sick. The genuine horror of seeing a completely still baby on scans is horrible and I was incredibly lucky that's mine still had a heartbeat. Some people are not so lucky and it's not a game or something to take lightly.

My niece has congenital heart disease and her mum had to have umpteen scans when she was pregnant followed by a tiny baby having open heart surgery at 10 days old. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. Your friend is an idiot.

My first pregnancy wasn't traumatic, but I did have to have extra scans due to gestational diabetes.
I found my second pregnancy harder because I didnt get the same amount of scans, I barely felt my baby move much at all throughout the pregnancy and as it turned out when they broke my waters I had too much water, I literally flooded the bed.
If she is a bit of a hypochondriac I can understand why she might want more scans.
I would try talking to her, tell her that you are happy for her pregnancy and you understand the worries, but with everything else that has been going on on your life could she please stop asking you about your pregnancy because it was very traumatic for you and you aren't in the headspace to deal with it right now, of course she can talk about her pregnancy with you and you are excited for her, but please stop asking about yours.
If she can't respect that, then take a step back.

Tell her there is no point in discussing your pregnancy with her because your complications were not common, and so are therefore irrelevant to her pregnancy. Don't engage in any further chat about it.