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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

45 & first baby

72 replies

Everythingnotsaved · 07/02/2020 05:12

My friend is desperate for a child- they are on their 4th round of IVF and want to keep going & trying. I really feel for them and can’t imagine how painful it must be when you really want a baby.

When do you call it a day though? I know that’s none of my business but I worry that it’s just putting them through such stress & it’s false hope when she is now 45 - I think they are going for donor eggs now so think then the odds are better.

Aibu to worry- it’s all they think about & they have been trying for 7 years now both naturally & with treatments . I’d never say anything but I do wonder too how ethical the doctors are - it’s had a big impact on them both financially and emotionally. I know you do hear success stories though

My friend isn’t the same person she was 7 years ago- she’s so stressed 😥

OP posts:
Shev1996 · 07/02/2020 05:16

Yes YABU, this has nothing to do with you. She may be stressed now, but you clearly have no understanding of the stress she’ll feel if she doesn’t try this. This is their decision and their feelings don’t effect you

Original poster
Everythingnotsaved · 07/02/2020 05:19

@shev1996 i’m trying to support her as she talks to me about it- it’s really difficult to see the pain she is in

OP posts:
Shev1996 · 07/02/2020 05:23

Then just support her, if your her friend swallow any negatives you feel and just be supportive

Wombatstew · 07/02/2020 05:35

Your title makes it sound like you have a problem with her age....
Hopefully the donor eggs work and she can have her much longer for and loved baby.

BorneoBabe · 07/02/2020 05:42

YABU to question her choice.
YANBU to be exhausted from her unloading on you.

I had a very depressed friend I was trying to support. I was her ONLY outlet. I loved her (still do) so I did it, but I put a limit on it for my own mental health. I would let her speak, then gently change the subject: 'I've got something funny to cheer us both up... ' or 'So and so at work is such a CF, what should I do when (insert stupid problem here)...'

It honestly saved our relationship and I think it helped her as it distracted her from wallowing in her own problems.

Original poster
Everythingnotsaved · 07/02/2020 05:43

@wombatstew obviously I don’t have a problem with her age but i also worry about her age too! There was a thread on here a few weeks ago with a woman of a similar age saying she wanted another baby at 45 and many of the posts said she was too old, it was irresponsible etc, loads of risks etc. And it made me worry for my friend- she’s stressed, anxious, an emotional wreck after everything she has been through. She does ask for my advice and I don’t know what to say- all i ever say is ‘do what’s right for you’ - I read such conflicting stuff about the risks though

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 07/02/2020 05:47

Yanbu. Obviously it's her decision but it's normal as her friend to worry for her. Make sure you don't take too much of it on yourself. I think for me at 45 I would be looking at other ways for having children.

hopefulhalf · 07/02/2020 05:49

45 is old for a first baby though no 2 ways about it. But as it was said on the other thread it has advantages and disadvantages. I think the chances will be better with donor eggs.

hopefulhalf · 07/02/2020 05:50

Other ways ? I am intrigued 45 is pushing it for adoption of an under 1.

SnoozyLou · 07/02/2020 05:51

I know that’s none of my business

Yes. You are correct.

LividLaughLovely · 07/02/2020 05:53

Nobody can possibly understand the pain of infertility and IVF unless they’ve been through it.

It’s all-consuming. Just be there for her.

hopefulhalf · 07/02/2020 05:53

As women age, their egg quality and quantity decreases. Women under 35 using their own eggs for IVF have about a 40% chance of having a baby, but for women over 42 that chance drops to 4.5%. However, using donor eggs changes the picture entirely: the chances of having a baby through IVF increases to 49.6% when fresh donor eggs are used, for women of any childbearing age.

Original poster
Everythingnotsaved · 07/02/2020 05:56

@SnoozyLou but it’s pretty much all my friend has talked to me about for 7 years. So yes, as I have said, I know it’s none of my business & I have kept my boundaries but it’s very difficult when it’s become the entire focus of her friendship with me. It’s bloody exhausting but I am trying to be a good friend

OP posts:
Trahira · 07/02/2020 05:58

This is a very difficult time for your friend and she’s lucky to have you to be a shoulder to cry on. It’s not the end of the road for them yet - if you’re using donor eggs, the age of the woman undergoing treatment is not very important (without donor eggs you’re right in thinking that her chances would be very low).

However, they may reach the end of the road at some point and decide to stop treatment, but that’s entirely up to them.

AngelsOnHigh · 07/02/2020 06:01

My nephew's wife was 45 when she had her one and only child.

He is now 9 years old and the most delightful, well mannered, fun loving little boy you can imagine. He gets on famously with all my DGC and has lots of friends.

He rings me and says Aunty Angels can you please come over for a swim, or play games etc.

His DM is amazing. At 54 she has more energy and get up and go than a lot of the young mums wondering around looking at their phones. Works part time, is always cooking great meals.

Only one thing, DN thinks I am younger than his mum because she has grey hair and I don't.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 07/02/2020 06:01

YANBU
45 is too old and IVF success rates are less than 2% at her age. Sometimes we just have to face the harsh reality that we left it too late to start a family. To me donor eggs is about someone's desire to experience pregnancy rather than just parenthood. Just because we can doesn't mean we should

Orchidflower1 · 07/02/2020 06:01

Yanbu op you are being a good friend in hard circumstances.
And yes I think 45 is too old for a FIRST baby.

hopefulhalf · 07/02/2020 06:11

Do you think the same of Elton John ?

Oysterbabe · 07/02/2020 06:16

It's easy to say what other people should do when you aren't in that situation. I have 2 children and will never know the pain of infertility so I'll save my judgment and trust that she's doing what feels right for her.

Original poster
Everythingnotsaved · 07/02/2020 06:17

@hopeful honestly, I am not being judgy of her age. But Elton John wasn’t going through loads of injections & hormones and all of that - it wasn’t taking a physical and emotional toll on him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Everythingnotsaved · 07/02/2020 06:19

It’s really difficult to watch someone you care about being slowly broken by something

OP posts:
DonKeyshot · 07/02/2020 06:22

I don't necessarily believe that 45 is too old for a first child, or a last child for that matter.

Life expectancy has increased exponentially in the last 50 years, and I'm firmly of the opinion that someone who is in general good health is as old they feel.

Telling your friend to 'do what's right for you' is exactly what she needs to hear, but perhaps you can introduce a change of subject as per BorneoBabe's post so that your friendship doesn't become solely one-sided with your friend talking about one subject and one subject only.

You sound a very good friend, OP. I hope it works out for your friend but, if not, I'm sure you'll be on hand to help her come to terms with childlessness.

BoomBoomsCousin · 07/02/2020 06:24

YANBU.

I would be worried for her too. But I don't think there's much you can do other than ride it out with her, providing her with as much support as you can.

SnoozyLou · 07/02/2020 06:25

@Everythingnotsaved I haven't been through IVF but I have a friend who has and it is absolutely all consuming. In her shoes, I would be ok with my friend backing off a bit as this is something she has to do right now, though not necessarily a journey you want to join her on. I found the same thing with a few friends after I had my first child - there was a disconnect - and that's ok.

Leflic · 07/02/2020 06:25

Elton John as a man can’t “ have” a baby though . He’s an incredibly wealthy parent without the constraints of only doing the parenting he chooses.His child will always have the social capital to be successful even if he does the square route of fuck all.